To send this issue back to EXDH as he started it

[jessicawessica]

Have had some good advice off MN in the last few days so hoping for some more.
DS1 turned 17 a couple of weeks ago. His Dad decided he "needed" to learn to drive and has arranged 10 driving lessons for him with a "mate".
He sent DS1 home with the form to apply for a licence to me. Said I could do it all online, "just needed to get passport style photos and a signature on the pics from reputable person".
I can't do it online as DS1 does not have a passport, so have to pay £43 to do it through the post.
Have to send in 2 forms of ID. Have birth cett....fine. EXDH says send in national insurance card. Don't have one, which leads to EXDH moaning that I must have it and have lost it or thrown it away. No, just not received one.
Have spent my day off at the library on the computer printing off app form for new national insurance number which will take 2 weeks to arrive by post. Then i can fill in driving licence form, add national insurance card and birth certificate, badger DS1 to get photos signed by busy teachers pay £43, post then wait.
All the time getting text messages from EXDH to get it sorted.
This was all his idea, DS1 not even that fussed, just doing it because EXDH wants it.
Who's going to buy the car?
Who's going to pay the insurance?
Who's going to pay the road tax?
ME!!!!!
I just want to give the app form back to EXDH and say "Your idea, you sort it".
But I just know he will twist it to make me look bad.

I got my DD a provisional when she was 16 as she wanted to use it for ID and start driving when she turns 17 but it was very easy as she has a passport. I would be pissed off at the hassle but can’t DS help? He needs one at some point anyway

Just bat it back to DH and DS.

DS is 17 if he's old enough to have responsibilities of driving a potential lethal weapon he can sort the paperwork etc out. It's called being an adult.

As others have said, it will take more than 10 lessons to pass a driving test, make sure the remaining costs don't land on you.

Have you checked out the mate who is giving these lessons? Why isn't your ex prepared to pay for lessons with a qualified instructor?

I agree with everyone saying that if DS is responsible enough to get behind the wheel of a car, he can sort his own provisional license out.
Talk to him and explain that learning to drive is the beginning of learning how to take responsibility and finding out how to negotiate official paperwork.
My dc sorted out their own provisional licences and booked their own lessons.
Is the mate a professional instructor?
If not, how is he going to organise insurance?

Your DS is old enough to sort this himself.

Absolutely do not do any of it. How dare he!

Yes the friend is a qualified instructor, but knowing DH he has probably wangled a lower price on lessons.
Yes DS should be doing this for himself, but really not interested at all. Is only going along with it for his dad's benefit. (To shut him up)
I have applied for the NI letter. When that's returned, I will pass it all back to EX. I really do need to start putting my foot down or this will carry on forever.

Yes you do. Just stop it. Say no.

Your DS has to learn to say no to dad too. Learning to leave it to women to sort your problems doesn't help DS. This could be a situation where you have to step right back and let DS and DH learn the hard way together. The fact that neither is female makes it more likely that DH won't expect DS to lift a finger so it might resolve quite quickly if you sit on your hands, say nothing, do nothing, respond to nothing.

You do not a passport to apply for a Provisional Licence online, my eldest got his fine without one.

Another thing OP, when you complete online, they will send the completed application to your son to sign. The DVLA will not discuss any of this with you because of Data Protection, only your son.

So why not ask your son to complete the Online Form? I think they ask for his NI Number to confirm his identity, but it saves you doing it.

When your twat of an ex asks, just tell him you are unable to discuss it because of Data Protection, then just ignore any further abuse.

Is your DS just hiding behind you rather than tell his Dad he isn't interested or quite simply can't afford to learn to drive etc? He'll need to pass his theory first who is going to pay for that?

Whilst I applied for my own provisional licence at 17, I also applied for DDs, as driving lessons were a birthday present and I wanted to put the licence in with her birthday card.

I don't think you applying is an issue if it was you who was arranging the lessons, but it's not you, it's your Ex.

From now on make it clear that he has to see through any gift he buys for the DC, without impacting on your:

• Finances
• Time

As you do not involve him in gifts you give them.

You've never objected, so he may think you dont have an issue with it.

When you allow him to continue exerting control, he will never stop.

No is a complete sentence.

Keep telling your son how great his dad is getting him a car, insurance ect.

Ask him if he has told his dad what he might like to drive.

To Ex .. oh no I won't be doing that I thought it was your thing not mine.....
Repeat often and the if he tries to say your doing it act confused and laugh,. Nice joke. If he still says your doing it, tell him he is nasty for getting DS's hopes up if he had not intended to finance it..

By doing this for your son, you are also teaching him that all this crap is the responsibility of his partner.
He's 17, not 7. He knows it's not you doing not doing it but that his dad is a lazy fucker.

Oh and why would it be you responsible for the car and upkeep? Ds wants to drive, he can get a job and fund or badger his dad to do it.

theworld totally agree.

But OP should talk to her DS for heaven's sake. Say it's a lovely idea from his DF and she has got it so far - the rest of it is up to DS and DH. If DS can't be bothered, so be it. Then she can genuinely bat off any further queries to say ... sort it between you.

Agree you should sort this via DS not your ex. 'Dad really wants you to learn to drive DS. If you want to learn then you need to do X, Y and Z. Get dad to help you with the forms and any fees.'

Well he'll need a passport or Drivers licence as ID next year anyway. And his NI number for applying for jobs and registering at the doctors so I find your lack of providing any of these things a bit mental tbh.

Annoying as it is a lot of people would complain that their EXH is unwilling to provide any driving lessons. It's a great skill to have.

Though he's would be better if he had sorted it

If DS isn't bothered that's up to him to deal with his dad. Just tell the both of them if they want it done, do it themselves.

@ScarletBitch

No it’s just that it’s all online if you have a passport - the photo and everything. You just put in the details and pay, no paper involved or leaving the house!

Well done OP. Give all the paperwork to DS and then just back ex back to DS (definitely don't pay the £40+ either).

I do agree that driving is a great skill to have but if DS isn't interested then that's not a good starting point. Either way you don't need to provide a car, nor tax or insure anything. If ex wants DS to have his own car then he'll need to sort it out in discussion with DS. I would stay well out of it.

bat ex back to DS