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AIBU?

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Original poster

To send this issue back to EXDH as he started it

76 replies

jessicawessica · 22/03/2019 23:35

Have had some good advice off MN in the last few days so hoping for some more.
DS1 turned 17 a couple of weeks ago. His Dad decided he "needed" to learn to drive and has arranged 10 driving lessons for him with a "mate".
He sent DS1 home with the form to apply for a licence to me. Said I could do it all online, "just needed to get passport style photos and a signature on the pics from reputable person".
I can't do it online as DS1 does not have a passport, so have to pay £43 to do it through the post.
Have to send in 2 forms of ID. Have birth cett....fine. EXDH says send in national insurance card. Don't have one, which leads to EXDH moaning that I must have it and have lost it or thrown it away. No, just not received one.
Have spent my day off at the library on the computer printing off app form for new national insurance number which will take 2 weeks to arrive by post. Then i can fill in driving licence form, add national insurance card and birth certificate, badger DS1 to get photos signed by busy teachers pay £43, post then wait.
All the time getting text messages from EXDH to get it sorted.
This was all his idea, DS1 not even that fussed, just doing it because EXDH wants it.
Who's going to buy the car?
Who's going to pay the insurance?
Who's going to pay the road tax?
ME!!!!!
I just want to give the app form back to EXDH and say "Your idea, you sort it".
But I just know he will twist it to make me look bad.

OP posts:
PregnantSea · 23/03/2019 01:33

Not sure why you're getting involved? Just say to DC "oh, that's really nice of your dad to sort you with some driving lessons. Good luck with it" and then don't give it another thought. It's none of your business. Your ex sounds like a right CF but you're letting him be one - stop it!

GemmeFatale · 23/03/2019 02:04

He can only play the game if you engage. Drop your end of the rope.

Have you sorted the licence yet?
No, I’m sure the two of you will manage it.
Then ignore everything further on the subject.

Tickets to paintball.
Oh how lovely, make sure dad takes you before they expire.
Then ignore everything further on the subject.

Return tickets to the theme park.
Oh fab, cousin bob really wants to go, I’ll pass them along and he can be ‘DS name’ for the day

Queenofthestress · 23/03/2019 02:22

I'm pretty sure you stopped etting national insurance cards a few years ago. I got mine but none of my friends born after me got theres

TowelNumber42 · 23/03/2019 02:33

This can't be right

I don't care what he thinks of me. But he will twist it to make me look bad with the DCs.
"Your mum can't be bothered to do this for you".....that kind of thing

He's 17. All you have to do is say "If your dad wants this then he has to do it or help you to do it. I'm not his PA."

The boy is almost an adult. He can't be turned against you by his dad spouting bollocks, especially if you tell son your side first.

Maybe you are still scared of saying no to your ex.

7yo7yo · 23/03/2019 07:09

Sorry but this is a self made problem.
At 17 your son should be old enough to;

  1. Fill in his own forms
  2. Understand it’s not your problem
  3. Tell his dad to do it

You’ve done the hard job of leaving your ex now you need to stop being his “wife”.

AguerosAngel · 23/03/2019 07:14

Absoloutely pass it back to the Ex! He and DS are more than capable of sorting it and if DS isn’t bothered about it then he needs to tell Ex he’s wasting his time and money.

Don’t enable him any further, he’s s CF!!

Kungfupanda67 · 23/03/2019 07:22

I can’t believe you’d consider sorting paperwork for a 17 year old, let alone for your ex husband on behalf of a 17 year old!

He might not be fussed about learning how to drive, in which case don’t 🤷‍♀️ Not your problem surely?

caughtinanet · 23/03/2019 07:46

What is your sons relationship with his dad like? It sounds like the sort of man you can't disagree with.

It's all very well saying the son should do it himself or tell the Dad to do it but maybe neither of those are realistic options in this situation.

Learning to drive is a good thing to do imo and I'm not sure why getting the licence is proving so difficult.

You don't need to fill in forms for an NI number, ring them up and ask, they send you a letter, you need to do that regardless of driving, what if your DS wants to get a job?

Mamabeartofive · 23/03/2019 07:49

I see why he's your ex... he's a man child and encouraging your ds to become one too, if ds WANTS his provisional he can do all the running around for it.
Your not his skivvy stop allowing this behaviour ASAP

frazzledasarock · 23/03/2019 07:56

I really wouldn’t engage at all.

And at 17 your ds should take responsibility,if he wants to do it he can print off forms and chase up his NI number, we got a letter with NINO when DC was about to turn 16 no card.

I’d practice saying ‘how nice’ and that would be the sum total of my efforts towards any ‘gifts’ from ex to my dc.

Same for the paintball parties and theme park tickets. The dc are old enough to see their father doesn’t organise your gifts to them so why should you for him?

You’ve got to learn to care less what ex says about you, your kids live with you and see how much you do for them daily.

Onceuponacheesecake · 23/03/2019 07:56

I sorted my own at 17. I'd leave it between DS and EXDH, you don't need to be involved at all.

Custardandnoodle · 23/03/2019 07:57

Actually I think you do need to sort the NI number out. Your ds is going to need it anyway, especially if he's wanting to get a job soon.

As for the driving lessons, I think this is a good life skill to learn so can see where your ex is coming from. I also think your ds will be bothered once his friends start passing their tests.

However, as other people have said, it's not up to you to facilitate this. Give your ds the driving licence forms and disengage (Offer to proof read if you're feeling generous). Then let them get in with it. At 17 he's more than capable of filling out forms, getting photos sorted etc. Tell ex to check with ds if he badgers you then rinse and repeat.

Also from experience if ex then expects you to pay for more lessons 'as it's only fair' say it will be a birthday/christmas present. Your ds will agree or not depending on how bothered he is.

C0untDucku1a · 23/03/2019 08:00

If be saying repeatedly for goodness sake your dad is lazy. Tell him to do it. It was his idea. Fgs your dad is lazy. He should take you back to alton towers as he got the tickets. Fgs your dad is lazy... It would be my mantra.

Quartz2208 · 23/03/2019 08:05

Actually DS1 should be more than capable of doing it himself he is 17
And just send it back your children are old enough to see him for what his is. You need to make a stand

GreenTulips · 23/03/2019 08:10

DC here can drive at16
She went to the post office for the forms
She filled them out
She got her NI a week before her birthday
She went to town for photos
She got them signed at school
I wrote a cheque
I found a driving instructor (all fully booked so I asked around)
She pays for her lessons
She needs to do her theory
She’ll sort that out via the internet when she feels ready

Seriously back away

Awrite · 23/03/2019 08:11

You need to learn to ignore. Just ignore.

The kids will know what their father is like I'm sure. They also know you - that you don't let them down.

Let exh crack on. Filter out his whining and requests. Be busy but don't justify.

I realise that I don't have to deal with your ex but honestly - your kids sound old enough to have the measure of him.

Lollypop701 · 23/03/2019 08:22

Ex is doing this because you actively allow it. You are still doing wife work and allowing ex to control you... via the children. I get it, you don’t want kids caught in the middle but it won’t stop because for him it’s a win when you do what he wants. So you have a choice to stop. It’s ok to tell dc and ex on a text so they all know ... great paintball party YOU got dc. Let me know when you are booking so I don’t arrange anything’ if he says it’s easy for you to sort, tell him it’s easy for him too as he wouldn’t have bought X if it wasn’t. OR you can continue as you are...

theresafoxunderthedecking · 23/03/2019 08:23

unless 'his mate' is a qualified driving instructor your ds is going to have his first 10 lessons with a random who may or may not be a good driver himself Hmm i wouldn't be keen on that idea tbh.
if exh is that keen for ds to learn he can pay for 10 qualified lessons so ds learns the correct way and then go out with HIS son in the car for practice. but as you said your ds isn't bothered anyway,

Stawp · 23/03/2019 08:26

Send it back to him and he can buy the car and pay for the insurance too since this was all his idea.

Walkaround · 23/03/2019 08:35

Well, I think it is a good idea for your ds to learn to drive. However, it is also a good idea for your ds to learn that men can do admin and should not be lazy fuckers who think they can get away with telling women to sort it out. It's your ex's project for his ds, so he should sort it out for him, like a proper father would.

Margot33 · 23/03/2019 08:44

I actually remember having to do all this myself when I was 17. Remember that you're doing this for your son, not your ex. Do it, it will be nice for him.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 23/03/2019 08:45

"If you're that keen for your son to learn to drive now, then you will need to sort it out with him. I will not be taking this on."

Repeat. Repeat. REpeat.

OffToBedhampton · 23/03/2019 08:55

You've applied for his missing NI number, good as DS needs this.

You've printed provisional Driving licence application forms. Great, that was kind of you but unnecessary as XH could easily have done it. So put them in an envelope as filled as possible, to go with DS next time he sees Dad. Text XH after he's collected DS, that btw driving licence application is in there for you. Or he can apply online.

Stop replying to XH's texts about it. So what if he makes up a story to DC? He'll do that anyway. And all you need to say is Dad is a grown man who can do his paperwork and organising.

And if XH whines, go with "dont be so lazy, driving lessons are your birthday present, you make the arrangements, I'm not your secretary" and repeat. As
his Mum, you've decided upon and bought DS his own birthday present. Just don't get involved.

OffToBedhampton · 23/03/2019 09:08

For those saying it'll be a good skill to learn - Yes when DS wants to. This isn't coming from DS, it's what his Dad wants with minimal cost and effort to himself.

A DS not motivated to learn will take far more than 10 lessons!!

DVLA standards research shows it takes on average 45 hours of lessons to pass their driving test. And that'll be people motivated to do it!

There's all the exam costs as well as afterwards ongoing costs for car and insurance, mot, tax etc.

10 of mates rates lessons will be the cheapest thing XH could do but I bet he claims it all as 'his gift'! I'd also prewarn that dad will likely later on offer to buy him a (£500 old) car whilst he expects mum to cover insurance, petrol repairs, tax, and the rest. DS clearly isn't Part time working if he hasn't used his NI no. yet.

TowelNumber42 · 23/03/2019 10:09

Selective misunderstanding and deafness are your friends.

He asks if you've sorted X out. Either don't respond at all (my preferred) or reply "I don't know. Ask DS." Then ignore.

He's going to fight to make you keep doing his wifework. Wifework is generally shit: frustrating, boring, time-thief. I'd ignore him completely. Any interaction will be used to manipulate you into doing his wife work for him.

Don't let him steal all these hours from your life. You don't get them back.