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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Having to explain why you don't drink alcohol

76 replies

DirtyDennis · 22/03/2019 11:28

So I know I probably am BU but I'm in a bit of a grump about this so wanted to have a rant.

I'm not teetotal but I have periods of time (weeks or months) when I don't drink alcohol for all kinds of reasons.

It annoys me that during these periods there's always a moment of silence in the pub or at a meal where there's a clear expectation that I explain why I'm not drinking.

For example, yesterday I went to the pub with some colleagues and I ordered a Coke. One colleague said "Oh, are you driving?" to which I said I wasn't. Another colleague said "Oh you're not drinking" and I said "No, I'm not". After both of these moments there was a really awkward pause where it was clear these colleagues were expecting me to explain why I wasn't drinking. I didn't explain, mostly because there is no particular reason or explanation and, secondly, it's no-one's bloody business Grin

It really annoys me. Alcohol is a drug and is addictive yet is so normalised in everyday life that there's an onus on people who don't drink to explain why not. It's really bizarre and I can't think of another instance where people have to explain why they don't do something harmful in everyday, normal life.

I don't know what my AIBU is - I just wanted to rant !

I guess, AIBU to just let the silence hang and not offer any explanation as to why I'm not drinking? Grin

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 22/03/2019 12:20

I often don't drink and if anyone asks me why I tell them. It could be
I don't feel like it
I'm on another health kick
I have to be up at the crack of dawn with the kids etc etc.

What's the problem? People can't ask anything about someone else's choice these days without causing offence. Obviously it's different if they're trying to pressure you into drinking but just asking is no issue IMO.

Original poster
DirtyDennis · 22/03/2019 12:21

I just find it so odd that you get judged for not putting poison into your body. So strange.

OP posts:
M3lon · 22/03/2019 12:22

tapas YOU might be able to, but I've had this one before and I really can't....I'm really sensitive to alcohol (and caffeine) so I steer clear.

SapatSea · 22/03/2019 12:23

I don't drink anymore because of medication I am on and I also suffer from chronic migraine (which alcohol exacerbates). I've had people buy me alcohol, force me to hold sparklng wine etc. as apparently those "excuses" are BS and even openly discuss / suggest how I must be a recovering alcoholic.

TapasForTwo · 22/03/2019 12:24

TBH I have never tried M3.

Original poster
DirtyDennis · 22/03/2019 12:24

@Oysterbabe My point is that it's really bizarre to have to explain why you're not putting poisonous and addictive substances into your body. It's just really odd that people expect you to explain that.

Plus, it's really nosey. I might not be drinking because I'm TTC, pregnant, have long-term health issues, am a recovering alcoholic. I might not want to necessarily want to share such personal information and I shouldn't have to. But neither should I have to lie. That's the point, there shouldn't be an expectation of an explanation.

OP posts:
poppym12 · 22/03/2019 12:25

My response was simply 'I don't want to'. Usually met with oh so whitty little quips but I let the awkwardness hang as I think 'because I don't want to' is an adequate response and the awkwardness wasn't mine.

Original poster
DirtyDennis · 22/03/2019 12:25

@SapatSea I went to a wedding but I wasn't drinking and was told in no uncertain terms by the mother of the bride that I wasn't to toast with my Coke. It had to be glass of wine, even if I didn't then drink the wine Confused

I toasted with Coke

OP posts:
jenthelibrarian · 22/03/2019 12:27

Give 'em the assertive 'broken record' treatment: just keep repeating your minimal explanation until you bore them into submission.

'No, I'm not drinking tonight'
'I'm not drinking, thanks'
'I don't want any alcohol'

It pisses me off most royally that women especially always have to explain these things. Stand your ground. An American friend says 'Fuck 'em and feed 'em beans'. Which I don't fully understand, but sounds about right.

Applesbananaspears · 22/03/2019 12:28

I have so never experienced this. I do drink but when I’ve not wanted a drink and ordered a soft drink nobody has even muttered a word

Original poster
DirtyDennis · 22/03/2019 12:30

@jenthelibrarian Your American friend's suggestion made me properly laugh out loud. I don't really get it but I like it Grin

That's basically what I do, just say "I'm not drinking" and let the awkwardness hang. You can see people waiting for me to elaborate, which I don't.

OP posts:
LuluBellaBlue · 22/03/2019 12:32

Totally agree with you OP, also drives me mad!
Another I’ve found strange, as I’ve stopped drinking over the past few years I’ve noticed people say along the lines of ‘oh I didn’t think to invite you to (insert band night, meal out, festival, friends birthday) because I didn’t think you’d want to go as you don’t drink anymore?’
So unless you drink alcohol people think you can’t go out and have fun Hmm

moosesormeece · 22/03/2019 12:34

My point is that it's really bizarre to have to explain why you're not putting poisonous and addictive substances into your body.

In general I agree, but in a pub, a venue which exists specifically for this purpose??

I sometimes get questions about why I don't eat meat in eating-based social situations. I give a quick answer and then move on. That's how conversations work!

JamieVardysHavingAParty · 22/03/2019 12:37

Not unreasonable of you to let the silence hang. However if you feel a bit sarky, I've heard someone respond with, "Since the recession/Brexit, the street price of class A's has really gone up. I had to make cut-backs somewhere."

thankssomuchforthat · 22/03/2019 12:40

I also hate the "bet you're fun at parties" attitude about non drinkers, whereas I find sometimes the most boring people at parties are the drunkest!

Original poster
DirtyDennis · 22/03/2019 12:44

@moosesormeece Most pubs I've been to also serve non-alcoholic drinks.

@JamieVardy That's excellent, I'm stealing that.

OP posts:
PregnantSea · 22/03/2019 12:52

YANBU. Couldn't agree more OP

Oysterbabe · 22/03/2019 13:01

They do serve non alcoholic drinks but the reason they exist is to serve booze. I think if I were so offended by the idea of drinking poison I probably wouldn't go. Also pretty much anything in large enough quantities is a poison, such as caffeine if you opt for a coke instead.

WhatAmIDoingNow · 22/03/2019 13:10

I've been teetotal for about 8 years, my Dad was an alcoholic and it just put me off the stuff. MIL was convinced for about 6 years that I was pregnant or that maybe I would drink a wine with lemonade 'because it's not full wine' Hmm
I've also had my doctor quiz me as he didn't believe that I was in my twenties (at the time) and consumed zero units of alcohol.

Damntheman · 22/03/2019 13:15

OP I just love your way of handling this rude bullshit! Continue ignoring the implied question and making them feel really awkward waiting for an explanation. It's gold!

Original poster
DirtyDennis · 22/03/2019 13:15

@Oysterbabe
They do serve non alcoholic drinks but the reason they exist is to serve booze
I don't agree. I think pubs have hugely diversified and have multiple functions for different types of people nowadays (e.g. family-friendly pubs serving food).

I'm absolutely not offended by the idea of drinking poison. As I said, I'm not teetotal, I do drink. I just find it odd that, as a society, the norm is for people who don't consume poison to account for that.

OP posts:
musicposy · 22/03/2019 13:19

People saying you wouldn't go to the pub because it's there for alcohol, what if you can't drink alcohol but don't want to sit at home while everyone else is out socialising?

I hate it too, OP. I was extremely ill with pancreatitis a couple of years ago and was told never to drink again. I was only ever an occasional drinker but it's tough enough at celebrations, nights out etc, without people quizzing me on why I'm not drinking and then if I tell them, assuming I was once an alcoholic (which if I had been is even more reason not to make a big deal of it). I'm also damned if I'm going to sit at home whilst everyone else has fun because pubs "are for serving alcohol".

Recently I just say "I don't drink" and leave it at that, but then I get the assumption that I am boring and no fun.

I love JamieVardy's reply!

PurpleThistles · 22/03/2019 13:29

Im teetotal and it is annoying but i just tell them i dont drink because alcohol ruins lives. I have an alcoholic mother and a recovering alcoholic husband. I also turn into a twat when drunk.

scaryteacher · 22/03/2019 13:30

Well, if it's a coke, and thus liquid, and it's going down your throat, you are drinking, so you could just point that out.

InDubiousBattle · 22/03/2019 14:11

You were in a pub op. I do realise they serve soft drinks but I don't think 'are you driving?' is a totally ridiculous to ask someone (who you know drinks alcohol) in a pub when they order a coke. Of course they shouldn't be arsey but just asking the question is just making conversation I reckon. Being in a pub is relevant, they wouldn't have asked in a library or a soft play centre.