To tell the school no to this plan

[lyralalala]

I'll try not to waffle too long.

There's a boy in DS(10)'s class who every break or lunchtime only wants to play one specific playground game, and always wants to play it with either DS or another boy.

The school is excellent in terms of having a lot going on at break times to keep the kids busy and active. There's always football, one other 'moving around' game and then they have giant connect 4 type games as well as bits and bobs like skipping ropes etc.

This boy always wants to play one of the giant board games. My DS has no interest in them as he likes to play the running about games. The other boy is the same. They do sometimes play the board games with the boy, but they don't often. However, there is always a queue of kids waiting/willing to play (that's one of the reason DS doens't enjoy them, he says you basically wait ages and then have a quick game) so he is absolutely not being left with no-one to play with. Even his own Mum has said this on numerous occasions.

However, he wants to play with one of the two boys. If they say no he cries, gets angry or has some other big reaction that usually involves one of the adults in the playground stepping in. This has been an ongoing issue for the last few years. It has been escalating more recently as DS and the other boy have both been playing football most days as they've joined the school team (break times have no correlation on the team, they are just on a spurt of enjoying playing football). The boy has been throwing more and more tantrums and twice I've been called in as he has actually hit or kicked DS. Same with their other friend.

So the way the school have decided to deal with this is to have a rota. DS got upset at bedtime and told me that 2 lunchtimes a week, and 2 morning breaks a week, he's to play with the boy at the board game. 2 other lunches and breaks the other boy has to play with him. He was in tears when he said that he was told by Mr X (one of the school SLT) that the school needs "team players" and feels bad that he doesn't want to do it.

I'm livid. It's completely rewarding the bratty behaviour of the other boy imo. There's no SN or anything like that - I know his Mum well and she openly says that he's spoiled and is a 'demanding child'. Unfortunately she's one who thinks is easier and better just to give in to him once he gets loud.

Don't get me wrong, if the child had no-one to play with, or if my DS was in anyway saying that the boy couldn't play the game they were playing I'd understand it. In fact if DS was excluding him from the games I'd come down on him like a tonne of bricks! However, that's not what is happening. I'm not at all happy about almost half of his breaks being completely dictated by another child so specifically.

DH thinks it would be "kind" to tell the school we'll agree to 1 lunchtime, but I don't want to agree to any. AIBU to say no completely to any rota?

[Deadringer]

That is madness! It's play time for goodness sake! Your ds should be able to play whatever he wants. No one wants any child to be left out in the playground, and I am all for encouraging kids to be kind and inclusive, but forcing a child to play a game during their free time because another child wants him to, that's crazy. This is actually one of the strangest things I have read on here, and that is really saying something.

[Wonderbag]

And if they’re on opposing days - when is your boy supposed to get to play with his friend?

[Motherofcreek]

This is really odd and I’d tell the school to piss off.

I’d also be coaching ds in how to politely but firmly NO

[Originallymeonly]

My son has diagnosed SEN, with social communication issues. He is not able to play creatively or join in football with his peers and would love the structure of a
121 game like this.
His school has asked his class to volunteer for their name on a lolly stick, and my son pulls out a stick each day to play with until he has worked through all of them (about 18 lolly sticks)
This is extra to the class outdoor playtime and they are supervised and guided by my son's TA.
I just offer this as a better way than your son's school, alternating between just two other children is not on.

[talktoo]

Speak with the school. Tell them your DCs playtime is valuable for him to develop friendships and there will be no rota where he is sacrificing his socialising time to look after someone else who isn't even a friend. As mentioned before, the rota basically forces him to never get to play with his friend who has also been made to give up his playtime. Just tell them no, it's not appropriate and your DC will not be doing so. Kindness would suggest everyone ensures no one is left out. That is not the same thing as 2 boys sacrificing 2 days of feee tine looking after someone else. It's too much.

[thedisorganisedmum]

That is the most ridiculous thing I have heard, your poor son!

What's the message when school reward bad behaviour, and punish children who stay out of trouble? I would be complaining to the school and not accepting that at all.

Even if the other child had absolutely no one to play with, well 2 lunchtimes a week, and 2 morning breaks a week is too much. If they must do a rota, they have a class of 29 to put in the rota. Not just 2 children out of a whole class!

[NWQM]

Totally agree that you are not being unreasonable.

There should not be a rota full stop if the play arrangement is that they get free choice.

[OrigamiZoo]

YANBU, it isn't your child's job to manage this child's expectations.

[Mehaveit]

Absolutely not!

[faw2009]

My DS could have been that boy - and he is HFA. He would get in a strop if his friends didn't play what he wanted and he would find every excuse under the sun not to participate in their games even though they would have happily welcomed him. But I would be appalled if his school had forced a rota of boys to play the games he wanted.
What does his mum think of the new rota. Perhaps she can see that it's not fair on your DS and not beneficial longterm for her own, and hopefully you can both work towards ensuring the school finds a better solution?

[lyralalala]

when is your boy supposed to get to play with his friend?

That I hadn't really thought of tbh. They don't specifically play together, it just so happens at the moment they are both playing football. If the other running around game is something DS likes they don't play the same thing.

That said they should absolutley have the choice to play together sometimes so I will mention that as well.


Thanks everyone. I will be going in tomorrow for a word.

[Butterfly84]

No way. Not okay at all. Don't let your DS be dictated to like that.

[MrsAmaretto]

Your child has a human right to play, the UN says so. The school is failing your son and the other boys. A polite kick up the arse will hopefully suffice.

[jacks11]

YANBU

Even if this boy had diagnosed SN, or there was a suspicion of undiagnosed SN, it is not your DS's job to provide this sort of support- far less be on a rota. Absolutely ridiculous.

Obviously, if your DS was not letting this boy play a game he wanted to join it and then that would be different. He isn't though- he just wants to spend his time doing something different to what this other little boy wants to do. Why should your DS have to sacrifice his play time for the sake of this other boy? It's important that children have "down time" too- time to let off steam and enjoy themselves.

I would go into the school and ask for a full explanation. I would explain that your DS is upset and anxious about it- particularly being told by a SLT teacher that he needs to be a "team player" and he has to do this. If it is exactly as it appears, I would be specifically stating that you finds this unacceptable and expect the rota to be revoked immediately and DS is to be allowed to play as he wishes. And they are to reassure DS he does not have to do this.

[whiteroseredrose]

I hate it when schools manipulate things like this. Your DS isn't a TA or childminder

[SadOtter]

Say no. Tell the school that what they are doing is re-enforcing negative behaviour which is unfair both on your son and the child having the tantrums (because how will he learn not to get upset and lash out if it gets rewarded for doing so?) it is an absolutely awful way to deal with it and in your position I would say no. Ask them if he behaved the same way about going into class would they give in so easily?

Guarantee the child is on autistic spectrum and the rota is a way to manage his socialisation.

Guarantee that even if that is the case this would still be a completely unacceptable idea, because it would be teaching a child who struggles with socialisation that you can force people to play with you by crying and lashing out.

[Folf]

I would be totally against this were I this childs mother, never mind being you!

Its unfair that her childs demands are being pandered too like that, you need to make it clear it wont be happening.

[puffylovett]

Sounds like a carbon copy of my eldest sons relationship with his best friend. Basically if said friend didn’t get his own way about what they did at break time he would have a meltdown or kick off with other kids.

You need to step in - DS friend monopolised his time, preventing him from spending time with other kids, was a very very strong character, didn’t think twice about fibbing if it meant he got his own way. Turned on DS on numerous occasions. It wasn’t until they moved to secondary that DS has been able to get out from under his claws and blossom, but even that had issues as there has ended up being a lot of bullying by this boy caused by exclusion from my son, and all sorts. His mum wouldn’t get involved.

I’m not sure I think the school are wholly in the wrong, as I presume they must be trying to encourage inclusiveness.. but I would be stepping in based purely on my experiences above. This lad needs to learn he can’t get his own way all of the time and monopolise your sons time.

[MamaAffrika]

I totally agree that a playtime rota is not acceptable. My point was that this child clearly has additional needs and staff are choosing to manage it in this way.
He may not have a diagnosis but no well-adjusted neurotypical 10 year old would want to play the same board game every day with the same 2 friends. His mother may be in denial, may not want to tell other parents or the school haven't been clear with the parents. I wouldn't expect other parents to be aware of each pupils specific needs so I'm not surprised you think he's got no additional needs. Any child with a playtime rota will have some additional need but this is not the way to manage their staffing issues. Your poor son. Def pop down and tell them the rota is unacceptable and it's making your child upset.

[Gruzinkerbell1]

Absolutely fucking not.

Tell them to fuck off all the way to fucksville.

Your poor son. How dare they take away his consent and own free will at the whim of this other child. They need to be teaching this other child the importance of boundaries and not attacking other students. Not forcing your child to shut up and put up in favour of a quiet life. What a message! I’m appalled.

[Stawp]

What a ridiculous plan and horrible example they're setting.

[commentson]

We have had this in our school.

However:

Child A - Totally support the rota/buddy system as he is on the ASD spectrum so needs help and support at playtime.

Child B - Do not support the rota as she is a bully who no one wants to play with and children are forced to play with her, on her terms, will not allow anyone not on the rota for that day to join in.

But if Child A or Child B were mine, I’d like to think the school would do something to help......

[Yumyumbananas]

I’m a teacher and think the school is being unreasonable. The other child is not your child’s responsibility.

[Yabbers]

Nope, wouldn’t agree to this. I can’t actually believe a school has done this, particularly if the boy is NT.

DD has times when she needs to be accompanied by a classmate. Aged 9, they sort it out amongst themselves, nobody is made to do anything they don’t want to do.

For the TA to insist your son needs to be a “team player” is unacceptable. The other boy isn’t expected to give up anything for the team, is he?

[Purpletigers]

Please do not allow your son to be a part of this shambles . A telephone call should sort it if you don’t have the time or the inclination to call in ( I’d just phone ) . Even if the child did have some sen , teaching him that tantrums work is not beneficial to his long term well being . He needs to learn how the world works .