To tell the school no to this plan

[lyralalala]

I'll try not to waffle too long.

There's a boy in DS(10)'s class who every break or lunchtime only wants to play one specific playground game, and always wants to play it with either DS or another boy.

The school is excellent in terms of having a lot going on at break times to keep the kids busy and active. There's always football, one other 'moving around' game and then they have giant connect 4 type games as well as bits and bobs like skipping ropes etc.

This boy always wants to play one of the giant board games. My DS has no interest in them as he likes to play the running about games. The other boy is the same. They do sometimes play the board games with the boy, but they don't often. However, there is always a queue of kids waiting/willing to play (that's one of the reason DS doens't enjoy them, he says you basically wait ages and then have a quick game) so he is absolutely not being left with no-one to play with. Even his own Mum has said this on numerous occasions.

However, he wants to play with one of the two boys. If they say no he cries, gets angry or has some other big reaction that usually involves one of the adults in the playground stepping in. This has been an ongoing issue for the last few years. It has been escalating more recently as DS and the other boy have both been playing football most days as they've joined the school team (break times have no correlation on the team, they are just on a spurt of enjoying playing football). The boy has been throwing more and more tantrums and twice I've been called in as he has actually hit or kicked DS. Same with their other friend.

So the way the school have decided to deal with this is to have a rota. DS got upset at bedtime and told me that 2 lunchtimes a week, and 2 morning breaks a week, he's to play with the boy at the board game. 2 other lunches and breaks the other boy has to play with him. He was in tears when he said that he was told by Mr X (one of the school SLT) that the school needs "team players" and feels bad that he doesn't want to do it.

I'm livid. It's completely rewarding the bratty behaviour of the other boy imo. There's no SN or anything like that - I know his Mum well and she openly says that he's spoiled and is a 'demanding child'. Unfortunately she's one who thinks is easier and better just to give in to him once he gets loud.

Don't get me wrong, if the child had no-one to play with, or if my DS was in anyway saying that the boy couldn't play the game they were playing I'd understand it. In fact if DS was excluding him from the games I'd come down on him like a tonne of bricks! However, that's not what is happening. I'm not at all happy about almost half of his breaks being completely dictated by another child so specifically.

DH thinks it would be "kind" to tell the school we'll agree to 1 lunchtime, but I don't want to agree to any. AIBU to say no completely to any rota?

[AWishForWingsThatWork]

I would absolutely kick off on behalf of my own child and say this was not going to happen, end of.

It is the responsibility of the school staff to deal with the spoiled brat behaviour of the boy. It is not your child's responsibility to make their lives easier by giving up his own break and lunch times ... which IS essentially what they are telling him to do. He is entitled to spend his own breaktimes doing what he wants to do so long as he behaves appropriately, and he wants to play football with his friends. The school has NO business telling him he has to join their ridiculous rota to appease a brat.

And I have known children like the brat you describe with no SN ... they are indeed just spoiled. Parent and school's problem, not your son's. Threaten to take it further if the idea isn't dropped immediately.

[ScarletBitch]

I agree with you OP, lunchtime is for playing, socialising etc, the school have removed your DC choice away and forcing him to do something against his will. I would certainly be saying something to the school. It would be easier if the school removed that particular activity full stop, that would solve the issue. CF at its best.

[jacks11]

Child A - Totally support the rota/buddy system as he is on the ASD spectrum so needs help and support at playtime.

Not even in this circumstance would I support this rota system involving only 2 children giving up nearly half of all of their breaks to support another child. Especially when this support involves the other children having to take part in activity they don't want to do and missing out on activity they do want to do, preventing them from playing with other children and quite possibly impacting on their friendships. It is not fair. There are ways to support children with ASD that do not punish other children.

[Omzlas]

I wouldn't have school dictating to me child who they need to play with, this is the age when social bonds are formed and being forced to play with someone won't facilitate that, possible even harm the process


I'd be having serious words and removing my child from the rota. I'm no expert on SEN but it sounds like the child thrives on routine, and that's fine, but not another child's place to manage.

[snowbear66]

YANBU
It's their free time to make their own decisions.
They have the right to create their own friendship groups, it's not the school's remit to interfere.
It's just inconvenient for the adults but that's not your son's problem.

[StoppinBy]

No way, the other child needs to understand that only children who want to play those games will be playing those games.

The school would not get away with pulling that shite on my child.

[Purpletigers]

My son was told off for not including a boy and walking away from him . The same boy who constantly resorted to kicking and shoving if/when his team were losing.
I told the teacher that only a fool would play with someone who hurt them on purpose . Needless to say he hasn’t been told off since.
Not every child who displays bad behaviour has special needs . Some of them are just little shits . Even a child with special needs has to learn boundaries and understand that they don’t always get to make the decisions .

[TheYoungOffendersMum]

The lolly stick idea sounds better.
I was going to mention about your DS actually getting to play with his friend whO is also on the rota.
SEN or not, the boy is having his shitty behaviour validated and that's not OK.

[lyralalala]

It would be easier if the school removed that particular activity full stop, that would solve the issue

I don't think that's any better than the rota. There are multiple of these big games and a lot of kids play with them. They'd be punishing all the other kids in the same way they are doing the two on the rota.

[lyralalala]

Thanks folks. I'll go into school in the morning.

[Blueuggboots]

My son (awaiting ASD diagnosis) is quite rigid with what he wants to play and has been known to lash out at others....however....NEVER ONCE have we, or the school suggested that people should actually do what he wants them to, unless the other child wants to as well!
The phrases "your fun is not always someone else's fun" and "your friends do not have to want the same things as you" get repeated often.
If he does lash out, he is punished with losing play time.

[IHopeYouUnderstandWeArePuppets]

YANBU

And even if he did have SN, that’s no reason to override another persons consent. The school have really messed this up.

[Sparklesocks]

It seems very unfair to push kids into playing games they don’t want to, their play time should be theirs to do what they choose (within reason). As others have said it seems wrong to cater to one child’s needs over another.

[Gruzinkerbell1]

And tell your DH to get lost with his “kind” suggestion of one lunch time only. Kind to who? The other boy? The teachers who no longer have to deal with a fallout that day? Definitely not kind to your son though.

[ClaireElizabethBeuchampFraser]

I am a Mother to two autistic dc, schools are NOT qualified to know if a child has autism or not! My ds’s class teacher was adamant that there was nothing wrong with my ds, making me out to be an over anxious Mother. It took a professional minutes to recognise that my son is autistic and she laughed at my sons teachers reasoning that he was ‘fine’ as her examples actually proved that he was on the spectrum to a qualified psychologist/ psychiatrist. Too many children are going through school undiagnosed.

Nevertheless OP’s son should absolutely NOT be forced to play with this child. Regardless of any undiagnosed SN’s, all children need to be taught consent! How is this poor boy going to learn consent if he thinks throwing a tantrum will get him what he wants? Likewise how is OP’s son going to learn he absolutely has the right to say NO in any situation that makes him uncomfortable, if the adults who are meant to protect him override his own decision, then manipulate him into doing what this boy wants by using guilt and telling him he needs to be a team player!

Basically telling him to ‘take one for the team’- how far do they expect him to go? This is incredibly dangerous territory and they need to re-evaluate their entire management of this situation!

OP I would look at teaching your ds about consent, I’m sure there is a version of the ‘cup of tea’ video, which doesn’t mention sex- which would be useful in this situation. The school SHOULD be teaching this boy that he needs to respect the decisions and wishes of his peers!

I know how hard it is, it breaks my heart when my ds has cried that he has no friends, but never would I ever expect any child to play or do anything that made them uncomfortable to placate my ds! This would be in contradiction to all of my work in teaching my ds the importance of consent! Luckily ds at 11 is better at understanding this than he was, but it is something I have and will continue to reinforce with him!

[lyralalala]

It seems to me like your DS would do well to learn about the needs of others. This other boy obviously has particular needs that he needs support with and your DS isn't being asked to give up a lot. He's been told what to do by an adult- he does it. It's as simple as that, and he needs to stop complaining.

I don't believe in teaching blind obedience - manners and respect yes, which is why he didn't complain in school. He can talk to me, or his Dad, about anything that is bothering or upsetting him.

He's 10 years old. Being asked to give up half of his school breaks is a lot. Especially when only he and one other child are being asked to do so.

The boy doesn't have additional needs other than being spoiled. That's the opinion of his own mother and the school. And I'm not going into more detail abotu someone else's child, but I know this because of how well I know her.

If there was a class rota that would be one thing. If he was stopping the child from joining a game that's another. As it is the boy can play the game he wants, and always has people to play it with. He is not being left out, he's just not getting exactly what he wants.

[lyralalala]

I'm not going to go into more detail about someone else's child, but no-one involved with the child has any worries about additional needs. It's been thought of and looked into, but it's not the case here.

[JSSB]

We had a similar issue with my daughter. She kept on mentioning she was being taken out of class to play board games. After a while I queried this with her teacher and it turned out that there was a boy in her class who required additional emotional support and so was being taken out of class to spend time with the school's nurture team. As part of this he was allowed to choose a friend to go with him and he always chose my daughter. She was more than happy to go as she enjoyed it but I was concerned as she was missing what was being covered in class, particularly as at the time she was not meeting academic expectations. My issue was that I felt another child's needs were being put above my own. As it was something she enjoyed I didn't have an issue with her going sometimes but requested that it shouldn't be every time and the school agreed. If she didn't enjoy it I would have been more vocal in my objection. I would be asking the teacher if they could have a session in class about what being a good friend means, ie to respect each other's wants and that they don't have to agree on everything. If you're friends with the mum I would probably also talk to her about it directly. Obviously this depends on your relationship a lot though.

[LittlePaintBox]

YANBU. Basically, the child has been able to bully your son into spending far more time playing with him than he wants to, with the collusion of the SMT.

If the other child is causing problems in the playground, he should be kept in! What on earth are the staff thinking?

[Deadringer]

it seems to me like your ds would do well to learn about the needs of others and this other boy, the one who is demanding that the ds plays with him, what exactly is he learning about the needs of others?

[Orangecookie]

Yanbu no child should acquiesce to another’s will like this.

[ClaireElizabethBeuchampFraser]

Tbh it honestly doesn’t matter if the boy has SN or not! Either way, the schools handling of the situation is entirely wrong and IMO dangerous in what it teaches all three involved children! Why should one child be able to dictate the activities of two other children, to the point that the two boys ‘on rota’ are now unable to play with/ socialise with each other during break, purely to placate a tantruming child!

Do you know the other boys parents OP? I would prefer to jointly approach the school and make a serious complaint at both the handling of this situation and the complete disregard for your ds’s social needs and consent and what the school were teaching your ds about consent!

[UnspiritualHome]

I'm not going to go into more detail about someone else's child, but no-one involved with the child has any worries about additional needs. It's been thought of and looked into, but it's not the case here.

The Special Educational Needs and Disability Tribunal very regularly hears cases where schools and local authority Educational Psychologists are in total denial about children's SEN and equally regularly schools are proved to be wrong.

It does sound to me as if this child has special educational needs, and if that is the case it is the school's duty to meet those needs, not the duty of other pupils like your son. And if he doesn't have SEN and the school believes he behaves as he does because he is spoilt, then they are hardly going to remedy that by pandering to him whenever he throws a tantrum.

I would suggest that when you talk to the school about this, you also highlight the fact that your son has been assaulted and is regularly pressurised by this child to do what he wants, and ask what they are doing to implement their bullying and discipline policies. Also ask them precisely how they propose to ensure that they fulfil their safeguarding duties to your son in future.

[IAmNotAWitch]

Nope, wouldn't be happening here.

You don't get to lean on the easy kids as a solution to the more difficult ones. It isn't your DS's behaviour that is the problem so it is not his behaviour that needs to be modified.