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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To really dislike going back to the area I grew up in?

36 replies

zeit · 21/03/2019 18:28

Lived in the same valley for the first 18 years of my life, before moving away for university and then a career elsewhere. It's a very deprived area, heavily voted for Brexit, and just feels sad due to the loss of its key industry in the 80s. I hate going back there to visit family, not that I dislike my family, it's just so depressing.

I'm not sure if it's a thing, but the whole feeling of the people there feels sad. People I was at school with live a few streets over from where they lived growing up, have the exact same friends, and many in jobs they took at 16/18 etc. Whilst there is absolutely nothing wrong with this, and we ought to do whatever makes us happy and fulfilled, it's not what I wanted for my life. So, I sort of feel sorry for them, coming from what I wanted if you get me. I'm of a mixed heritage, and the area is bigoted, but where I live now is very urban, affluent, liberal. They're complete opposites.

Does anyone else dislike where they grew up?

OP posts:

whiteroseredrose · 21/03/2019 18:44

Me. Where I grew up was OK then but it has deteriorated and is really scruffy now.

StoneofDestiny · 21/03/2019 18:44

You might think the area is sad when you go back and find it strange people have never left the area or their first job or friends. They might be happy and contented.
Each to their own........people want different things and have different ambitions and levels of contentment.

AnnieMay100 · 21/03/2019 18:47

I feel the same about my home town whenever I visit my parents. It just means you’re in a new chapter of your life now, it’s your past and you’ve outgrown old feelings/friends you grew up with etc. Be proud you made something of yourself and have fond memories of the past rather than resent what it’s become.

Mmmhmmokdear · 21/03/2019 18:51

I don't recognise the town that I grew up in any more - it's had so much regeneration! Weirdly, I don't feel any connection to it, it never felt like "home" iyswim?

happyhillock · 21/03/2019 18:52

I loved the area i grew up in, mum and dad had great neighbour's, us children had lot's of friend's, school's were pretty near, i live not to far away from it now

HexagonalBattenburg · 21/03/2019 18:54

I feel the same about my home town - it got absolutely fucked by the Thatcher years and has been in decline ever since. I used to go back a lot for the football but even that got fucked up to the glory of double relegations.

There's just no aspiration to attain anything more than what the city has - even those responsible for running it seem determined to accept "meh" as an aspirational goal. Makes me angry as there are good hard working people there but the city is lost - apart from as the poster child for Brexit.

adulthumanwolf · 21/03/2019 18:56

I feel the same about my home town. I really don't like going back.

Limensoda · 21/03/2019 18:59

I was looking forward to visiting where I grew up and seeing our old house. Once I was there I got an overwhelming feeling of dread and sadness and memories of being bullied came back really strong like I was living it again. I'd actually forgotten those feelings or minimised them but I came away feeling very down and couldn't shake it off for days.

BlueMerchant · 21/03/2019 19:01

Love my home town. Went away to uni and have lived other places but always thought fondly of it and the people who live there. Felt quite envious of those people who seem to have never left the place. I now live about 10 miles away and hope to move back 'home' when my children are older. ( I've already picked the street I want to live in!)

Oliversmumsarmy · 21/03/2019 19:04

I grew up in 2 places.

The first no longer exists. Complete area bulldozed. Not a house, shop or road left.
Replaced with some trying to be urban Docklands flats and failing miserably.

The 2nd area has become really posh and is similar in expense to some nice parts of London/Home Counties in property pricing.

Both are in the north and I hated driving North on the M1 so much that back in 2004 I refused to go North again. It was making me so depressed every time I had to do the journey.

And yes, even though it isn’t a deprived area the same friends lived in the same community, did the same jobs and had the same friends.

Rtmhwales · 21/03/2019 19:10

Me. I'm back in my hometown now after having traveled the world, been educated, and lived abroad in four countries. Everyone is right back here where I left them 13 years ago doing the same things, seeing the same people.

I don't find it quite sad per se, just kind of gives me a weird feeling like the world was moving on, and me along with it, and this part just stayed dead still. Different things float different people's boats though and I don't pity them.

raffle · 21/03/2019 19:16

I love going ‘home’ precisely because nothing’s changed! I still have a few friends there who still go to the same pub on a Friday night. I just slot straight back in! I’m talking about things being unchanged for 25 years! It’s a slice of my life from before, and I gobble it up twice a year

Asta19 · 21/03/2019 19:19

I really dislike where I grew up and it’s somewhere other people love! But I had an abusive childhood, I was also bullied at school, so I never made any happy memories there so that may be a large part of it. It’s also one of those places though that a lot of people haven’t moved on from and, like you, I wanted to experience more of the world. I’m happy for them that they are happy. But I do sometimes think that if you spend your whole life in one place it’s a bit of a “waste” for want of a better word. Life is so short and, for me, experiencing different things makes me feel alive. But I understand not everyone feels that way!

Unfinishedkitchen · 21/03/2019 19:20

I totally understand OP as long as you don’t bang on about how nice your new area is compared to your old town. Nobody likes that.

I didn’t move far (one part of a London to another) but it’s like living in another country. I hate going to my parents area. It’s quite ‘Brexity’ for London and I recall that a lot of the people had no ambition or get up and go but wanted to drag others down who wanted to improve themselves. It hasn’t really changed and feels so soulless. I feel blue every time I have to drive towards it.

I never tell anyone how I really feel about the place in real life. The people who live there either want to live there or have no choice for one reason or another so there’s no point in offending them.

IamPickleRick · 21/03/2019 19:20

I grew up in an area of huge deprivation in London. It’s renowned for stabbings and murders now. You could always sense it was always going to go that way, even 20 years ago.

I sometimes look at the kebab shop and think - ah remember when that was the wimpy! Or the phone shop and think - oh that used to be the stationery shop where we spent our pocket money! The old bank where I opened my first account is now a chicken shop. It’s better to go there in my head than in person.

Oliversmumsarmy · 21/03/2019 19:24

I actually hated the areas I grew up in even when I lived there.

All I wanted to do growing up was to move.

Gottalovesummer · 21/03/2019 19:25

I haven't visited my home town for over 15 years and feel sad about that! It's where I was born and grew up. I have no family living there now and no connection to it.

My DC know nothing about it and the environment I grew up in. That makes me feel wistful.

Altho I absolutely love where I live now and am pleased it's where I chose to bring up my own family.

I guess it's just nostalgia?

IamPickleRick · 21/03/2019 19:27

I totally understand OP as long as you don’t bang on about how nice your new area is compared to your old town. Nobody likes that. .

Hear hear!

BartonHollow · 21/03/2019 19:40

Yes.

To the degree that I experience physical anxiety going there

It's a really nice area and ironically the average mumsnetter would consider it a lovely area to raise a family

But my own childhood was unhappy both within and outside the home, the community gossipy and very closely related, there was a negativity to it I found

DanglyBangly · 21/03/2019 19:41

Yep. My home town is deprived, provincial and staunchly Leave. It depresses me when I go back.

abbey44 · 21/03/2019 19:47

I felt the same way too. We left the area when I was 13 and I never wanted to go back, but my parents retired back there, and I moved back (reluctantly in many ways) twelve years ago to look after my Dad. He died a few years ago, but I can't sell my house and I feel trapped. I don't want to be here, but until I can sell my house - or win the Lottery - I have no choice. I hate it.

SabineUndine · 21/03/2019 19:57

I grew up in a dull suburb of a nice city and hated going back. I went to uni in a much bigger city and have only been back a couple of times since moving away to work. For me it's the going back that's difficult, whatever the place is like.

Decormad38 · 21/03/2019 20:02

I grew up in a picturesque town in tbe Lake District. I hate returning. It reminds me of my alcoholic father and difficult times being teased. I much prefer my multiracial gritty city home. Life eh?

Oliversmumsarmy · 21/03/2019 23:02

abbey44

Could you rent out the place for a year and then rent somewhere you feel happier.

Putting distance between you and the place might make you feel a lot better

CrispbuttyNo1 · 21/03/2019 23:11

I grew up in a mill town in Lancashire, I couldnt wait to leave. I moved to London in my early 20s. The town itself is now an almost derelict shell. Many of my school friends were married with a couple of kids by the time they were 25. Most have worked in the same place all their lives.

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