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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to ger DM anything for Mother's day

33 replies

Sunkist12 · 21/03/2019 11:48

DM was an abusive alcoholic when I was a child and as a result, I'm not particularly close to her and only see her on special occasions or keep her at arms length as much as possible.

She is however, close to my DB, who never witnessed any of the abuse first hand, so as a result does always try and ask me to socialise more with her and them both which I always decline to do.

Mother's day is approaching and I really don't want to buy her the token card or gift which she expects. I'm tired of being an after thought to her, tired of being the black sheep out of her 3 children and the only child she was physically and emotionally abusive towards.

The main reason my DB doesn't know much is because he was raised by his father and my mum was the 'weekend parent' and so doesn't really believe DM would ever do this as he only witnessed the kind and playful part of her . So because of this, I've had to just carry on and ignore my past and pretend it didn't happen as I've never been believed when I've spoken about my upbringing.

I've decided this year, I've had enough of carrying on and pretending that mum was the parent you'd expect her to be, you know, the one that loves and protects her child.
Would i BU to just forget this day and deal with the massive fall out? Or just suck it up? My mum is the kind of person that would go crying to DB over this and make a massive song and dance. I so wish I could cut her out of my life, but doing that would mean losing my DB and making that extremely awkward for him.

OP posts:
LL83 · 21/03/2019 12:04

Must be really difficult. I would explain to DB you plan to go NC with your mum, and your reasons why. That you understand she will be upset but you are hurt and need to look after yourself. You know it will be awkward for him, and will never ask him to choose, but please dont tell you anything about mums thought on NC.

Alsohuman · 21/03/2019 12:08

If it were me I’d buy the card, sign it with only my name and forget about it. Just tick the box, it sounds a lot less trouble. And, yes, I know it’s easy for me to say but I’m a pragmatist.

BlueMerchant · 21/03/2019 12:12

I would send a card with long loving verses about her being a great mum and role model etc etc etc that obviously does not reflect your relationship at all. I think this would get your point across to your mum about what a horrible mother she was and how you actually feel about her but she couldn't kick up a stink and cause a rift between you and your brother because after all you sent a card!!!

Thesuzle · 21/03/2019 12:15

I second Alsohuman, I’ve found the cheapest and most unsentimental card I could find and that’s it, my mum is not in Sunkist12 “s league but annoying, and brother is the golden child. ARRRGGGHHHH

Original poster
Sunkist12 · 21/03/2019 12:16

That's also what I'm thinking of doing, human seems the less hassle approach.

I've tried raising the issue with DM and she denies any of this happened and it's in my head. I remember one particular incident when I was pregnant with DD. I was sat in her living room, I must have been around 21 years of age at the time and around 8 weeks along. Mum received a letter, saw red and attacked me by grabbing my hair and throwing me to the ground. The letter wasn't anything to do with me, but she just went full rage.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunkist12 · 21/03/2019 12:19

thesuzle does she acknowledge that DB is the golden child or does she spout the, I treat all my children the same line?

OP posts:
Moondancer73 · 21/03/2019 12:37

I'd go NC if it was me. Why should you have to keep up a pretence just to please others and keep up appearances? This woman was a failure as a parents and just because she refuses to acknowledge it and your DB didn't see it isn't your fault. Personally I think DB should support you whether he saw it or not - how is your other sibling in regards to your mother? Take the stick this year, get it over with and move on.

Original poster
Sunkist12 · 21/03/2019 12:39

My eldest DB can either take her or leave her. No actual abuse with him, but he sees her as a bit full on. Younger DB, absolutely adores her. I've had to keep up this act for years and it's wearing me down. She has supervised access to my DD who is now 9, and loves her she would be broken if I stopped contact. Shame that she's a much better grandparent now, but never as a parent.

OP posts:
TipseyTorvey · 21/03/2019 12:44

I think you might want to see a counsellor. I went NC after I did because once I started talking about all the things my mother did to me to a complete stranger and seeing the look of horror on his face and him saying WHY on EARTH are you still letting this woman have any part of you. He was actually furious on my behalf and said 'if I heard this from a child nowadays it would be an instant issue for the police'. I've been NC now for nearly 10 years and it's such a relief! I tend to tell other people she's dead though because 'ohh but she's Family' and 'you only get one mother' comments come out from people with nice parents.

EvaHarknessRose · 21/03/2019 12:48

That's awful. You deserved safety, I am sorry she did this.

Original poster
Sunkist12 · 21/03/2019 12:49

I've tried CBT in request of my GP and they wanted to refer to an abuse counsellor which I refused stupidly as it was sort of a charity for domestic abuse and I didn't feel like I fell in that criteria and would be a waste of a place for someone actually fleeing a violent home. I feel like I've made a right mess of it, I don't know what I'd say to DD. Didn't have the courage to report her which I wish I'd done

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunkist12 · 21/03/2019 12:50

That's exactly the response I've had. Oh, she's your mum, she doesn't have many people around her Hmm

OP posts:
Zebedee88 · 21/03/2019 12:57

I'm not close to my mum due to my childhood so I just send her some flowers and they have a note in there that just says happy mother day. She seems happy and I don't feel guilty.

Original poster
Sunkist12 · 21/03/2019 12:57

Thank you all for your words of encouragement. Looking back at the things she's done, she shouldn't be allowed to have me not my DD in her life anymore.
There's so many things she's done that are truly awful

  • id wet my bed as child out of fear and would make me sleep in dirty urine soaked sheets until she could no longer stomach the smell

  • would beat me regularly. One particular incident, she'd punched me in the head so hard I ran away to my nana and wet myself when my mum collected me later that evening.

  • had drove my biological dad away to the point of NC as he could no longer cope with her mood swings and violence way after their divorce and would make threats.

  • after her divorce to by DSF she made false reviews on my step mum's business page and beat her in a public setting.

  • punched me in front of then DH

  • mentions DSF to DD when no One is around to manipulate her.

  • I attempted suicide at age 15 by overdose, she didn't visit or come down stairs when the crisis team visited my home even when they requested that she come down.

So so much more

OP posts:
Stawp · 21/03/2019 13:03

Go NC, your brother isn't worth having in your life if he refuses to believe the abuse. They both sound like shit. Him denying your abuse and trying to force you to have a relationship with your abuser is actually abusive and manipulative in itself. Fuck the lot of them.

Adam3322 · 21/03/2019 13:24

must be a tough one i feel for you. have a situation little bit similar with my 3 childrens mother. she sees them once a week however she has never paid a penny towards them she does not buy for them for xmas bdays etc yet if i dont buy her a mothers day card i feel so guilty. like the old saying goes treat people how you want to be treated, if you think she will appreciate a card etc then id personally get her one

ScarletBitch · 21/03/2019 13:30

Nio I think you are perfectly entitled to feel the way you do about your mum, going forward thou would sending a card make an ounce off difference in your relationship?

Perhaps you should speak to her about the way she treat you.

Piffle11 · 21/03/2019 13:32

After what you have written about her attacking you, I wouldn't send her a card. There may be fallout, but stick to your guns and it should only be for a while. Your DB should respect your wishes, regardless of his opinion. My DM was less than great. and I have tried to talk to her and DF about the way they treated me when I was a child - particularly mid-teens - and they won't talk about it. DM gets all defensive and martyr-like, as though I'm throwing it all back in her face. My DSis doesn't totally get it as they treated her very differently. I do send a Mothers Day card but have to find one that's blank inside and just says 'Happy Mothers Day' on the front. Can't send anything gushing as it gives me the rage just thinking about it all! If your DM goes crying to DB then let them get on with it - if he tries to talk to you about it, just say you don't want to know.

Zebedee88 · 21/03/2019 13:33

F##k I'm changing my reply, go NC, she's bringing nothing good into your life

ScarletBitch · 21/03/2019 13:37

Omg ignore my last post OP, I apologise for reading and posting without RRTT.

It was absolute abuse what she did, punching you in the head??

Look after yourself, please go speak to the DV Counsellor, she disgusts me.

ScarletBitch · 21/03/2019 13:40

@Zebedee88 I said the same and changed my reply too, I feel angry for you @Sunkist12 Thanks

Lemonsquinky · 21/03/2019 13:42

I don't send a card to my abusive mother because they don't make cards that read 'To a crap mother ' and on the inside 'You are emotionally damaging '.

Original poster
Sunkist12 · 21/03/2019 13:44

Thank you everyone. She's literally drove everyone away so that all is left is her and DB. I will go back to the gp and see what he suggests

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunkist12 · 21/03/2019 13:44

It's a shame they don't lemon my card would say just that

OP posts:
SingingLily · 21/03/2019 13:50

Sunkist12, I am so sorry to hear this. Your mother abused you, no question of that. You deserved better, much better. If you haven't already done so, I suggest that you have a look at the Stately Homes thread where you will find many others who have gone through similar experiences with their mothers and who have had to find a way to live their lives in relative peace.