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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder how he's this stupid?

30 replies

soothiesmoothie · 20/03/2019 18:44

I've just left an emotionally abusive relationship. It was horrendous and he treated me awfully. I've posted on here before about it. I have a 5 month old. My ex did some pretty nasty things. To his ex too and also his mum.

I've ignored him for the past week as he's continuing to be unreasonable. I'm scared of him and been referred to MARAC. Ive been advised that although he's only been emotionally and not physically abusive, I'm still at risk. To not facilitate any contact. Women's aid, my solicitor and HV have given the same advice.

He's just emailed me to tell me he's 'done nothing wrong' and it's infuriated me. He's emotionally abused me for 2+ years. He's broken me and 2 other women in his life. He's ruined my confidence and beaten me so far in the ground I have no idea how to dig myself out of this awful hole.

And he says he's done nothing wrong? That it's 'not like he was hitting me'. That I should put it in the past and 'forget about it'

How dare he. How can some people be so stupid?

OP posts:
PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 20/03/2019 18:49

Don't respond, he's trying to get a rise out of you.

Ignore, documents, vent here. But above all - do not respond

Original poster
soothiesmoothie · 20/03/2019 18:56

It makes me weep that he's now in my life until my son is 18. If not longer. I can't believe my eyes have been so closed to his abuse. I didn't realise it was abuse until the day before I left.

OP posts:
SexNotJenga · 20/03/2019 19:00

If it's gone to marac then he may not be in your lives until your son is 18.

Do not reply to the email. Get a new email address. What professionals are currently involved in supporting you?

Original poster
soothiesmoothie · 20/03/2019 19:02

@SexNotJenga healthcare visitor, police as he threatened to turn up, I have an assigned women's aid support worker, gp and solicitor..

OP posts:
pigsDOfly · 20/03/2019 19:06

Sounds like all part of the abuse.

Don't reply.

SexNotJenga · 20/03/2019 19:07

OK, can you print off the emails or forward them to the professionals supporting you? They demonstrate a lack of remorse/insight into his behaviour that will not work in his favour if he ever wants contact.

Original poster
soothiesmoothie · 20/03/2019 19:23

I've got everything saved. I'm so drained I could cry. He's acting like a changed man. It's infuriating.

OP posts:
SexNotJenga · 20/03/2019 19:31

He isn't acting like a changed man. The wording you quote in your OP makes him sound like a massive gas-lighty bastard. Surely you can see that?

Original poster
soothiesmoothie · 20/03/2019 19:32

I can see it. I hate him. I really hate him. And if you knew me you'd know it was serious for me to say that as I don't hate anyone Sad

OP posts:
horrayforharoldlloyd · 20/03/2019 19:35

Record everything. I was heard at MARAC 5 times and he still got a 50/50 order with our pre verbal children.

Original poster
soothiesmoothie · 20/03/2019 19:36

@horrayforharoldlloyd how is that possible? Sorry to hear that Sad

OP posts:
oneforthepain · 20/03/2019 19:47

He's not stupid, he's manipulative: m.youtube.com/watch?v=d5NHBn5p9vY

You're doing all the right things. Has anyone suggested Freedom Programme to you? Understanding his behaviour better might help you keep your sanity and protect yourself. Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

It's free to attend, confidential, and nobody will judge you or tell you what to do. They're small women only groups, run over 12 weeks (2hours per week) and it's information not therapy, so you don't have to share your experiences or talk in front of everyone.

Original poster
soothiesmoothie · 20/03/2019 19:48

I hear so many stories of people being abusive and still getting their way, when their kids are clearly at risk of physical or emotional harm. It's so sad

OP posts:
Original poster
soothiesmoothie · 20/03/2019 19:49

@oneforthepain I've been referred but the wait is just under a year.

OP posts:
oneforthepain · 20/03/2019 20:12

Yikes. Have you contacted them directly to see if there's a group running you could join sooner? You don't need to be referred, and there are often multiple different organisations running groups in any given area (all trained by the Freedom Programme charity).

You could do the online version for a tenner in the meantime, if funds allow.

Original poster
soothiesmoothie · 20/03/2019 21:30

Thanks @oneforthepain - I've just had a google and apparently you can sign up independently. I'll have a look.

OP posts:
BMW6 · 20/03/2019 21:55

OP you are a rational and reasonable person. He isn't.

You will never ever get him to see things from a different viewpoint - his is too screwed up.

Save your energy. He's all kinds of fucked up and nothing will change that.

Ohyesiam · 20/03/2019 22:01

Op, him saying this is all part of the abuse. Twisting truth and altering reality are all part of it.
You’ve got out, we’ll done, be VERY proud.Flowers

Raffles1981 · 21/03/2019 09:02

My ex husband was emotionally abusive. He was nothing but empty threats and hot air. Your ex sounds exactly the same. He will always blame you. There is no point wasting your time, breath or energy trying to reason with him. He will never see his behaviour as bad. You just have to rise above the games, the drama and get yourself back. It will take time but you will get there Flowers

Islands81 · 21/03/2019 09:07

I had an extremely emotionally abusive ex, and through MARAC I was rehoused for my safety. He was never physically violent towards me. You need to go to family court re contact. It took 2.5 years, 19 hearings and a shit load of stress but finally the court decided my ex was too abusive to see my daughter, as he would be likely to abuse her in a similar way. Good luck x

Happynow001 · 21/03/2019 09:25

I've got everything saved

^^ if not already OP, save everything in completely separate places in case one location is "lost" or corrupted. Also avoid verbal communications wherever possible (you may already be doing this) with everything going through either a email or text. If you can afford to get a cheap mobile for him to text (not call) you on all the better, and block/delete him on your regular mobile. If you have a landline block him there too.

Have you changed home location since the relationship ended? How is your home security?

So sorry you're going through this.

Original poster
soothiesmoothie · 21/03/2019 17:54

He knows where I'm living now but he can't get in as it's gated.

@Islands81 that sounds really awful. Emotional abuse is so tough and I surprisingly didn't even realise it was happening.

Do you mind me asking what the abuse was that you suffered for them to make that decision? I understand that that is a very personal question and understand entirely if you'd rather not discuss it.

OP posts:
Islands81 · 21/03/2019 17:59

@soothiesmoothie I actually had a book published about what happened if you want to read it? So much happened that it’s a bit difficult to explain in a nutshell. I can pm you with the title if you want?

As a short term measure the police can do things like give you a fire proof letterbox, window alarms, emergency panic line, and security lights, if you are worried for your safety.

Original poster
soothiesmoothie · 21/03/2019 18:02

@Islands81 that would be amazing. Thank you! X

OP posts:
Islands81 · 21/03/2019 18:11

Have messaged you x

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