To be angry at my friend ?

[SarahBT79]

Hi all. I had my first child three months ago, one of my close friends I think is struggling with this sadly. Since I had my baby I’ve met up with my friend as normal, couple of times a month or more, been shopping, cinema and for meals. I’m lucky I wasn’t breastfeeding so this wasn’t too hard but I am very tired!
She’s never met my baby or come over, I have invited her but she’s always invited me to things like cinema and evening meals etc so I’ve got my partner to have baby at home as my friends not seemed too keen on me bringing baby along.
I didn’t hear back from her in a while so I rang her and asked if she is OK... I was worried, she said the following:
-That she feels we have gone in different directions in life
-that she feels I’ve grown up and she hasn’t
-that she feels I’m now too busy for her so she doesn’t want to bother me
-that she’s not visited as she isn’t comfortable with babies
-that she doesn’t see where she now fits in with our friendship now I have a baby.
I was absolutely shocked she opened up and said all this, and I know it’s all clear but I just don’t get it!!! We’ve been close for 3years- speak daily, I’ve still seen her lots and I did make efforts to not be baby bore as I know what that’s like from before I had a baby with other friends !
I’m quite upset I’ve made efforts and done my best to remain “the same” and she’s decided I’m just not the same ? Or she isn’t ? Has anyone else had this ? I’ve tried to patch it up and tell her she’s really important to me - and I got no reply sadly. I’ve rang her back also and she didn’t answer.

How old is she? She sounds quite young/ immature.
Friends often have different circumstances, but they can still be friends.

Her behaviour seems like a ploy for attention. Your actual baby needs your attention, maybe focus on that for now?

At least she has been honest, and you can now decide what to do.

You could just write off the friendship, or you could try to find a way forward. In your place, I would say something along these lines - Yes, things have changed since I had the baby - that is inevitable. But I am still the same person, and I still value our friendship. I hope that, as time goes on, we can find a new level for our friendship, but if you don’t feel that will be possible, I will accept that, with regret.

Hi, she’s 40, but has always been quite immature saying “she never wants to be boring and grow up” etc.
Thank you for the advice for the reply, it’s actually almost exactly what I did say to her - and since heard nothing back :(

I suspect if she is 40 and childless she may be struggling with that door closing and therefore find your baby difficult. If she's a good friend give her some time/space to work through it. It sounds like you can't do any more - leave the ball in her court.

I think you've made more than enough effort OP, it's hardly like you've dragged her to soft play and the park and not put your baby down for 5 minutes. It's hard sometimes doing 'normal' pre-baby stuff with a newborn, but you've done that, for her. What's she done? Other than avoid your baby and moan that things have changed?

I don't think you can actually do any more than you've already done, if she won't meet you half way.

I think she either has pre conceived ideas that parents are 'grown up' and 'boring' and it's so engrained that she won't reconsider, whatever you do. Or she is actually jealous but struggling to express this.

I did have one friend who was more of a drinking buddy, who declared all mums are dull as they just want to talk about their kids. I don't go out that often so I'd rather catch up with people I hadn't seen in a while. But he'd ask me questions about them, then sigh and roll his eyes when I answered! It's like he just decided that's what I wanted to talk about despite evidence to the contrary. I still enjoy seeing him if I bump into him when I'm out but don't go out of my way to make an effort any more

Perhaps she is struggling with the idea she may not have children, but I do feel cutting me off is really mean and telling me that she doesn’t fit in now with our friendship because I have a baby, she was my bridesmaid a few years ago and also said she was excited for me when I was pregnant ! Yet bang - as soon as I have baby she’s off :(
I haven’t told her I’m angry I’ve been very calm, but really I’m thinking what a lousey friend to say these things :(

People here are a lot nicer than I would be, and I don't have kids or want them. Her behaviour is awful, please stop begging for her to come back to you she sounds terrible and she's basically made it very clear she doesn't want to know you now you're a mother!

I would be angry instead, I am truly sorry that you have lost a friend, but you did more than you even needed to

Look, she was honest. She hasn't ghosted you. Leave the friendship, now. She does sound immature and maybe there are other things going on in terms of her own fertility. She's withdrawn from the friendship and all you can say is, "OK, I'll miss you but hope all goes well for you."

Do you think she is perhaps masking her own fertility issues? Just because she's never discussed them, doesn’t mean she's not got them. Some people also make a conscious decision not to have children, the reasons can be varied, may be an underlying health condition, or an abusive past, or as simple as they haven’t met the right partner. They front this out with the blasé oh I don’t want children but the reality is, they cant, or have had to make a choice not to.

Just a thought.

It’s quite a new friendship though, isn’t it, only 3 years, you really know nothing about her past.

I don’t know why she’s not had children, she’s in a fairly new relationship which seems to be going well , so perhaps she will soon but I’ve never asked. So if this reaction is because she’s struggling with the idea of a baby herself etc- what do I do? Walk away like she’s done and told me to? Or try and ask if this is the reason for her odd words ?

Why would you want to be friends with someone who drops you just because you've had a baby? She sounds horrible. A shit friend. Let her go

That’s what I am thinking also!! It’s not fair on me that “she can’t see how she fits in now” is it???!!!

If nothing else, she's honest. Most people would claim to be "busy", repeatedly turn down your invitations to meet up and just allow the friendship to drift but at least she has done you the courtesy of telling you how she really feels. I can completely see why you're hurt though as you haven't done anything wrong and have clearly put a lot of effort into this friendship.

The ball is in her court now. You've made it clear by messaging her that you'd like to salvage the friendship but if she doesn't feel the same there isn't really anything you can do about it. I certainly wouldn't start quizzing her about her fertility or her feelings about her child-free status based on theories suggested on this thread. They are just theories and if there is any truth to them, she won't thank you for prying. If she wanted to discuss those things with you then she would.

That’s crap OP she’s not a very good friend. My best friend is in a similar position to yours and she also struggled when I became a mum. She never wrote me off though! I gave it time and made an effort to do childfree things together, like you have, and she adjusted to the new normal.

I would not contact your “friend” again. You have made tons of effort and I would be so very hurt and angry in your position. New mums need their friends more than ever as it can be a lonely place and a difficult adjustment in terms of identity. If your friend does end up having a child of her own I expect she’ll feel very very shitty about how she’s treated you - and rightly so!

Try and focus on other friendships for now and maybe try and make some new mum friends? It is somewhat easier in the early years having other women with small children as friends.

Don’t let her horrible behaviour bring you down x

OP, some people just don’t like babies or want to have much to do with them. Tbh whenever I hear a friend is pregnant I do an inward eye roll and sigh as I’m just not interested in anything to do with babies and know that my friend’s life will revolve around babies for the next few years.

However I don’t act like your friend as I love my friends and I know it’s just a stage and I’ll get my friend back in a few years as their children become more and more independent. I also want to be there for them if they are finding things hard.

Your friend on the other hand seems to have decided that she just doesn’t want to be friends with any parents of young children. That’s pretty rubbish for you and quite selfish/immature or her, but it’s her decision and at least she’s been honest with you.

I’d leave it for now, sorry

You know what - all over the internet are memes to the effect of, ‘Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about; be kind.’ Very few people actually practise this.
You don’t have to be responsible for the way she feels or sort out what is going in(if anything) but just be kind and don’t completely shut her out and maybe understand that you’re both in very different places and just have to work on a new way for your friendship to work.

You've been bf for 3 years when she's in her 40s. Are you younger?

It is possible that this is a recurring pattern and she usually moves on when her bf of the time has children. It may be she's just not interested in kids. Or putting in the the extra effort required to maintain the same level of bf relationship that is needed when children are factored in. She may have fertility issues or just finds mums do not fit in with her 'never growing up' lifestyle. Kids change the dynamic of a friendship, there's no way to stop that. She's not interested in the new dynamic, even though you've obviously gone to a lot of effort to try to lessen the impact. She may also not enjoy not being the priority in the friendship, your dc will always come first.

It's quite possible she'd be happy to be friends, but needs to step back from a bf dynamic. Perhaps she could be your party friend, rather than the more involved bf role.?

I'll be your friend op! You sound great. I'm childfree (by choice) but on the other side of this as my best mate has effectively dumped me (mostly for her NCT friends). We no longer talk on the phone, meet ups are all completely baby focussed and time limited and she basically seems to have no interest in my life/our friendship anymore. I've tried my best and made huge allowances but to little avail.

From what you've said you have tried to compromise and so I don't think you are in the wrong here (I sure wish my friend would meet me in the middle a bit more).

No advice as I'm really hurt by it so I share your pain there (albeit from our respective sides). Maybe pull back a little but keep channels of communication open just so it can get back on track if she comes around a bit.

I feel for you though. It's horrible to lose a friend from no particular fault of your own.

Well she's set out her stall.

She's basically breaking up with you.

There's nothing you can do, and by the sounds of it there's nothing you actually did do, besides reproduce. It doesn't sound like the actual activities of your friendship has been altered in any way by the baby as you're doing everything you did before.

So fuck it. Let this one go.

I’m a little older than her and have also never had children. In the last decade, most of my friends have. When they have had kids they have all, with one or two exceptions, disappeared into a world of baby/toddler for some years. This is very natural but for the person who is left behind and whose life hasn’t changed, it hurts. Someone who is important in your life has disappeared. She may have experienced this many times before with other friends and she is assuming that the same will happen with you so she is getting in first. If so, I think that is a shame because not all friends do disappear and also in my experience about some years down the line when the child is older, the friendships come back,

She's right though, isn't she? Your lives have gone in different directions. She's just facing facts. You sound as though you would like her to be more interested in your baby than she is. The fact that she can't, at the moment at least, is a signal that the friendship needs a rest.

She sounds totally selfish and now you can't do the things she wants to do, she's blaming you! WTF!

That's NOT a friend.

Thanks everyone, and don’t worry I won’t ask her about whether she wants/plans children. I’ll have to let her be. She has really upset me unfortunately and sorry to hear that I’m not the only one this has happened to! I met her in 2015 and she didn’t have any other close friends, just partners we met as we worked together for a year.
It is rubbish that she’s saying she doesn’t fit in with me when I’ve made sure I still did the same things with her at the same times etc. I don’t care if she’s in my babies life, she’s never visited or shown an interest - I think she’s v uncomfortable around babies but I’m certainly not one of those to expect her to be around them. I don’t know whether she’s just jealous maybe or genuinely just simply thinks now I have a baby I’ll be a baby bore, I’ve just looked back at our messages and I sent her two photos when I had the baby- that’s it, nothing about it since just general chat about everything else as I noticed she didn’t say much to the pics in fact it was a “aww cute” and that was all, no questions so I understood she didn’t have much interest for baby talk.
I hope when she has a baby she will realise that it’s hard and that she’s been pretty unreasonable here. Then again perhaps she’s just made new friends and now I’m out. I will stop guessing and just accept her honesty- that she doesn’t see she fits in now with me.

and she didn’t have any other close friends

Maybe that's more significant than you realise. She possibly does this after a while to everyone she's friends with, and in your case she's using the baby as the reason to drop the friendship.

Maybe, I know that she said her college friends all “grew up” “got married” and that seemed her excuse for no contact anymore, I didn’t think anything of that... but if they’d been close friends - it shouldn’t mean she then decides they’re not good friends for her anymore ? Do people do this?!