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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? partner related

34 replies

granadagirl · 20/03/2019 15:37

I suffer from chronic anxiety, at the moment I’m coping ok with it on a day to day basis

Today, I had appt at foot clinic
I was prepared to go on my own and thought as I was half way to the hospital I had to attend (any time) for chest X-ray I go if I was not too stressed from clinic appt.

Partner says I’ll come with you, and we can have some lunch out. Ok
I do first clinic appt, was a bit anxious but managed it.
So I say yes I’ll do hospital and get it out of the way as only 5 mins away.

I pay £3 parking for my car, so we head for Costa sandwich and coffee
Then head to X-ray dept, I ask the guy any idea how long wait? Should be in within hour.
So we’re sat there, Partner had scuffed his new shoes (car park) and was going on about them (very ocd about his things) I just said it happens there only shoes.
He starts going on “ I’m going straight home after this” going to shop for shoe polish!!!! Ok
I didn’t want him winding me up(I’m the one with anxiety/panic) so said go for a walk/shop ? I’ll text you when out.

Story short, he’d only been gone 10/15 mins and I was done.
I rang him, no answer. Thinking he’s driving
So text to say I’m out
Few mins later he rings, and says he’s in town centre, finished and walking back to car Ok, I’ll start to walk down, pick me up on road.
Well I get all the way to where he said my car was parked virtually,?he rings said he’d just got there!!
I’m a slow walker, he’s fast.
I was knackered thirsty, he just sat in car.

I knew it was the bloody shoes he’d been sorting out, as it just doesn’t take that long.
I had to let rip, I was so angry.
He knows what I’m like with my anxiety/panic, but me being me didn’t want us to both get wound up
Sat waiting, so said go
I did get the panic/adrenaline feeling in the X-ray room and just wanted to flee.
Virtually ran out off there to the outside.

I’m really angry with him, that he couldn’t wait with me. Instead was thinking more about the bloody scuff on his shoes than me.

I told him!! Said sorry but that’s just a word he finds easy to say.
I can’t stop feeling churned up and angry at him. Wanting to tell him again, but know it will lead to argument

Aibu?

OP posts:
Seeline · 20/03/2019 15:50

I suppose it really depends on whether him 'being a bit OCD about these things' is really a mental health issue, or whether he is just a bit annoying sometimes. If it really is OCD, I don't see why your mental health issues trump his.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 20/03/2019 15:56

I'm confused.

I didn’t want him winding me up(I’m the one with anxiety/panic) so said go for a walk/shop ? I’ll text you when out.

So you told him to go for a walk/shop then had a go at him for going for a walk/shop?

If you wanted him to stay with you, you should have said so.

Sorry, unless I've massively misunderstood then YABVU.

Eliza9917 · 20/03/2019 16:11

Whats the actual issue? That he left and went to the shops or that he sat in the car and waited fro you to get there instead of driving to meet you?

Stargazer888 · 20/03/2019 16:15

I don't understand why you're upset.
I do wonder what you are doing to work on your anxiety though? It's not fair to take out your mental health issues on your dh.

Arowana · 20/03/2019 16:22

But you said were prepared to go alone in the first place, so why does it matter if he wasn't there for the appt?

NoooorthonerMum · 20/03/2019 16:29

Bit you were going to go to the appointment alone anyway and you told him to go for a walk? I think you're probably just stressed from your anxiety and taking it out on him.

mrsm43s · 20/03/2019 16:31

What are you angry with him about? I literally cannot see what he has done wrong at all.

He came with you when you wanted him to.
He went for a walk/shop when you told him to.
You both walked back to the car.
Presumably you were both tired and thirsty, since it was the same amount of time for both of you since you had a drink/rested.

I understand that its your anxiety that is causing the problem, but that really isn't his fault or responsibility.

BlueSkiesLies · 20/03/2019 16:33

You sound hard work. There is literally nothing to be pissed off at here.

PatriciaHolm · 20/03/2019 16:41

You told him to go. He went.

What exactly is the problem? Were you expecting him to say no no. I'll wait?

Valdy · 20/03/2019 16:45

I'm really confused as to why you're angry. Plus all this dissing him about his OCD "they're only shoes", etc... imagine he'd said that about your anxiety/something you feel anxious about. I think YABVU!

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc · 20/03/2019 16:48

You both sound hard work

Redrupunzle · 20/03/2019 16:51

Yabu

Shoxfordian · 20/03/2019 17:04

Yeah I can't see what he did wrong either

Original poster
granadagirl · 20/03/2019 17:09

Ok, I get what your saying !

Most off you probably havnt got chronic anxiety/panic.

I was fine until he did his shoes! He never stopped going on about them, kept looking at them, if I hadn’t off gone in that car park I wouldn’t off happened.
That’s when I said, go for a walk or the shops, he was winding himself and me up.

The walk I did from hospital to town centre took me 30 mins, he was 5 mins from car to town centre.
Yet when I got there, he’d only just got there.
So I knew he’d been at shops sorting his shoes out,
I said, we will call on the way home and not rush about now
Shoes, by the way was the tiniest little mark on the front.

Problem was, if he hadn’t off been inpatient and stressing us both out and waited with me
Like I have done numerous times with him, even a day at hospital, without going on “ how long we gonna be here for etc”
It wouldn’t have got to this

But ok, I get it

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 20/03/2019 17:12

You can’t ever tell someone to go, then complain when they do.
You’re anxiety was no less real than his.
Drop this one.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 20/03/2019 17:15

But you told him to go off. Surely it doesn't matter if he bough shoe polish, or got a coffee or stared vacantly into a window?

Valdy · 20/03/2019 17:16

Ok now you're just being ridiculous

"Most off you probably havnt got chronic anxiety/panic."

How do you know? I've had anxiety and even something like this just sounds childish.

What if you were feeling incredibly anxious in a particular situation, he told you to walk it off/ pop to the shops and when you'd met up again had a raging go at you? It wouldn't be on! I think you need to get a grip, to be honest.

I understand you're incredibly anxious, but it doesn't excuse you to be an absolute nightmare and take everything out on your OH!

SilverySurfer · 20/03/2019 17:31

Mountain and molehill. You told him to go so I don't understand what you are moaning about. Think about someone other than yourself for just one minute. Your feelings doesn't trump his.

SoupDragon · 20/03/2019 17:35

If you don't want someone to go for a walk/shop don't tell them to. I don't really understand.

bridgetreilly · 20/03/2019 17:37

You both need to learn to communicate better.

You could have said 'Why don't you go for a walk, but please don't go too far, so that we'll have time to sort your shoes out afterwards?"

He could have said, "Well, if you don't mind me not staying with you, I'll go and sort my shoes out now and pick you up afterwards."

But it's never okay to say one thing and then be cross because someone else didn't realise you didn't mean it.

Sirzy · 20/03/2019 17:40

Don’t make assumptions about others. I certainly have anxiety and plenty of experience of it in others.

You are still being unreasonable and are letting your anxiety find problems which aren’t there.

Surely him using the time to sort his shoes was best as it saved you having to go on the way back?

AirBiscuit · 20/03/2019 17:41

I guess it depends on which scores higher in MN Top Trumps, Anxiety or OCD

SouthernComforts · 20/03/2019 17:43

Most off you probably havnt got chronic anxiety/panic.

It's a good job isn't it? The world would stop functioning. All this drama over a pair of shoes - from both of you.

Ellisandra · 20/03/2019 17:43

Grin at Top Trumps

Bookworm4 · 20/03/2019 17:44

I think it sounds as if you're using your anxiety to control him and expect his attention on you, VVU, you sound hard work and attention seeking.

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