They think I'm lying don't they

[Asiama]

My aunt told me my parents asked to use her phone for a month (I won't bore you with the details of why but I can see it's perfectly reasonable / plausible in the circumstances to use their sim with her phone).

I mentioned to my parents in a text that I understand they are using aunt's phone (no biggie, just chit chat). They said they are not - apparently my aunt gave them her phone asking them to fix something that's not working, they've managed to work out what was wrong and will be giving it back to her in the next few days.

I said aunt must be either confused or lying to me because that's not what she told me. They said no she's neither confused nor lying, and now they refuse to discuss the matter. It's because they think I'm lying isn't it?

The only way to deal with awful people like this in your life is to remove any power they have over you - stop caring what they think. Their opinion shouldn’t matter to you, easier said than done I know but if yiu can manage not to care what their opinion of you is you will be much happier I promise

Explain it to FIL so he can't get caught out. They're caught somewhere between crazy and nasty; I'm sorry they spoiled your childhood, but please reduce contact further so they don't spoil motherhood too. Call once every 3 months perhaps, or just Christmas.

If they borrowed your aunts phone for a month what was she supposed to use? Had she got another phone?

Seriously. I’d step away from this (and them, to be honest.) I get it that it’s been a very difficult relationship- they sound batshit, from what you’ve said. I’d stop agonising over this, and stop letting it have space in your head, and life.
You deserve better, and it sounds like your PIL are much nicer people. I’d consider just stepping away from any relationship with them. They are abusive bullies. You were brought up with unreasonable demands placed on you, and you need to not make this the norm in your life.
I wish you all the best with managing that.

These people are not good for your mental health OP - and I sincerely hope going totally NC works for you.

BTW do you get on well with your Aunt/text or email to her? It may well be that I'm reading more into the mobile phone situation than there is but I'm wondering if they've loaded any monitoring software on her phone in the weeks they had it...

Why does your FIL speak to them? Can you explain to him the situation. I think if you are going to be LC and potentially NC then your in-laws need to do the same or your parents will still be in your life.

I think my aunt must have a second phone because I called her on her mobile phone number. I expect she put her SIM card into another phone.

Good point about tracking software, I hadn't considered that and I wouldn't put it past them.

My parents struck up a friendship with my PIL and they do email / text / phone each other occasionally. My MIL died last year and since then I have noticed however that my FIL appears to be distancing himself from them. FIL lives abroad and when he comes to visit for a few weeks, they normally invite him for a day, but now he asks us not to tell them when he comes. I wonder if something happened on a visit but it's none of my business so I haven't asked.

It sounds like when you do have anything to do with them, the way they make you feel drags you back to when you were younger - you're so lucky you've come out of this being what sounds like a lovely person - they are totally toxic and you are to be applauded for not running for the hills sooner - good luck OP

Hello all, for anyone who is interested I thought I might update. There were a few more "misunderstandings" like this around more serious matters where aunt told me one thing and my parents another, and my parents insisting that my aunt would never have told me what I had told me the things that she did. Nearly 9 months later my parents have found out that my aunt has been consistently lying to them and had she told them the truth or if my parents had listened to me, they would have saved themselves lots of time, stress and thousands of £s. They admitted to me that I was right, no apology but I feel vindicated.

I can only say ‘Welcome to Screwed up Parenting!!’. I highly recommend no contact- I did it at the age of 36. Never has life been so less stressful.

You’re still far too involved! These people will trash your mental health till the day they die. Try stepping further away.

It sounds to me like your mum has quite severe mental health problems, and the stress of being around her unmedicated has affected both your dads and your own MH. Really, i would try and work on going as LC as you possibly can, for the good of your own health and well-being.

Thank you. Trashing my mental health is a perfect description. We no longer speak on the phone, I have had one text from my mum in 6 months, and my dad I text once a week to check if they need food as they are shielding.

In some ways I'm really proud of myself. My parents have literally wasted tens of thousands of pounds because they believed my aunt's lies. I told them once, they didn't believe me, I let them get on with it. In the past I would have fretted and worried that they were pouring money down the drain and talked to them over and over again, but I stayed silent and kept my distance.

I worry about my dad. She takes his phone and email and writes messages and emails pretending to be from him. She used to send abusive emails to me signed in his name without his knowledge, because it has more worth coming from a man, but my dad isn't man enough to do it himself so she has to take over (her words). The last time I tried to help him set up an online food shop account, the shop sent him a verification email, he saw that the email had arrived and he waited for my mum to come to the computer and open the email. There was a verification code my mum refused to give to me because the email said to ignore it if it hadn't been requested by the receiver, and since she hadn't requested it, she wouldn't give it to me.

Does any of this sound like dementia / Alzheimer's?

No, it sounds like someone who has a disorder and her daughter tying herself in knots to worry about the cow.
So much you say resonates with how my mother is now, and really, the only thing that works is allowing yourself to step away.

They’ve lost all that money because you couldn’t possibly have been right. It’s their own fault.

You’re doing so well.

I know how you feel about your DM always believing you are lying. It does wear you down after a while and you start to question yourself. My DM is the same, always immediately assuming I am lying, and even when I have proof I am not she still doesn't accept it. It is the constant feeling that she believes everyone else but not me. It doesn't matter whether it is a big thing or a very small thing it still gets to you. When I was young she would always believe my friends rather than me. If they ever came to our house and something happened she would take their word over mine, and take their side. If I said they were being mean to me she would turn it onto me and say 'You must have done or said something nasty to them because they would not be mean to you for no reason'. The crazy thing is that DM is always lying and will never admit to it even when everyone knows she is lying.

@hadtojoin are you my long lost sister?? This is exactly my mother! I don't know why she automatically assumes I'm lying and the irony is she lies so much. DH says he can't be bothered talking to her as you don't know what's true and what isn't. She used to say awful things to me in our language (so that DH doesn't understand), I would translate it for DH's benefit and she would say that that's not what she said! The hypocrisy is galling.

My mother has taught me how to be a great mum, by showing me exactly what not to do.