They think I'm lying don't they

[Asiama]

My aunt told me my parents asked to use her phone for a month (I won't bore you with the details of why but I can see it's perfectly reasonable / plausible in the circumstances to use their sim with her phone).

I mentioned to my parents in a text that I understand they are using aunt's phone (no biggie, just chit chat). They said they are not - apparently my aunt gave them her phone asking them to fix something that's not working, they've managed to work out what was wrong and will be giving it back to her in the next few days.

I said aunt must be either confused or lying to me because that's not what she told me. They said no she's neither confused nor lying, and now they refuse to discuss the matter. It's because they think I'm lying isn't it?

Asiama, have you heard of FOG - fear, obligation, guilt?
Do you feel obliged to make everyday conversation with your parents, even knowing that they will twist things round to make out you are in the wrong?
How would it feel if you were to put some distance between you and stop facilitating them?

outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt

" She told me that her default stance was to distrust me unless I can prove otherwise, "

That is absolutely horrible.

They sound rather unusual in their thinking!

I know it's a terrible situation and posters gave me lots of good advice on a previous post. I don't want to waste anyone's time by going over all that again I'm not ready yet to go NC but I've gone practically NC with my mother (no phone calls, WhatsApp or Skype with her anymore) and have LC with my dad. I won't be visiting them anymore, and I don't think I will have them over more than once a year for a couple of hours.

I just wanted to check that it wasn't me being unreasonable by making an issue out of nothing because my judgement is clouded by my issues.

Low contact you say? I'd go totally no contact! They'll send you mad at this rate.

I just realised my last post might have seemed dismissive of anyone's input on the overall relationship. It was totally not intended like that. I know it can be frustrating for posters to give advice and have it ignored so I just wanted people to know I am already acting on the advice from last time and no one should feel that they are repeating advice I was given previously.

Bloody hell that's some screwed up parenting.
You poor thing. No one can go through life constantly being told that, and come out as an adult without some issues.
This is just one unimportant issue but in the grand scheme of things it's no wonder it's playing on your mind.

I'd try and get some counselling if I were you. It's really not you though. It's really shit parenting.

I was always the model, straight A at school, shy child that never caused any trouble except to have my own, normal taste in clothes and develop my own opinion on things.

I was that and my parents had similar issues more I think because of an older siblings behavior and huge issue with us getting older and not being little kids anymore.

Tell them as little as possible look into FOG - and think in such situations - do I really care about this - because my response would have been well I'm sure your right/know best or change subject or umm okay - and move on. Then try really hard to give it no more headspace - which can be hard but being busy and finding distractions can help - you start thinking turn radio Tv on pick up a book or go out.

Just ignore them, OP. Whatever they say doesn't change the truth as you know it, and you don't have to turn up for every argument you are invited to. Avoid conversation with them!

Thanks. Yes I looked into FOG. I don't tell them anything. I don't even tell them the truth about tiny things like what I've had for dinner if they ask, because they would criticise even a healthy meal eg "you only had your 5 a day? Why not 6? This is why you have bad hair"

In the context of our relationship, I hope it makes sense why I end up scrutinising every interaction which may seem like a misunderstand or unimportant to other people.

Do you need them in your life really?
If not, cut them out. I cut all contact with my alcoholic abusive mother 6 months ago after giving her 22 years of chance after chance. Best thing I ever did. I already feel so much better about myself without the constant shite , guilt trips , ‘ I wish you’d never been born’ etc etc bollocks .

They sound like my mother and enabling father, @Asiama

It sounds as if they are gaslighting you or trying to cause an argument. I would just stop engaging now; it doesn’t really matter who’s telling the truth about the phone.

If they do think you’re lying YOU know you’re not, so keep that in mind if you start to doubt yourself.

I suspect that they didn't want you to know the had borrowed your aunt's phone and were embarrassed. Their reaction is a signal to back off. Just leave it now but I don't think they don't believe you.

OP your mother sounds insane.

You are lc already for good reason. I’d drop that down another notch and go even lower c or nc,

Does hour mum belong to some crazy batshit religion? Who would say that to a child?

your mum

Good point, I don't have to turn up to every argument I'm invited to! I will go NC but I don't feel able to go "cold turkey", eventually I will be so LC that I will be NC.

My mum is ultra Christian, but won't go to any church because they all have something wrong with them, and just takes the bits that suit her and ignores everything else. If you confront her, she will say she refuses to discuss it and God knows her heart, and that's all that matters.

This honestly doesn’t sound very LC, OP.

Just step away from petty conversations like this.

So sorry for that awful parenting. I think as little contact as possible would benefit you. Remember, their words are just words and not fact !

You need to go lower than your current low contact, way lower. Lower it down to life & death situations.

Your parents, especially your mother, are batshit and they’ll have you the same if you don’t pull away.

Bloody hell op, they have really really not stepped up as parents or even decent human beings. They have seriously let you down as both a child and and adult. The fact you are a thoughtful, rational, intelligent and articulate adult does you credit and shows your strength.

They don't think you're lying; they just want you to think they do for some fucked up reason that is only known to their batshit brains. They have some narrative about you (thus making themselves both martyrs and the 'goodies') in their heads that is illogical and irrational, please don't buy into it.

It is difficult to accept that people who are supposed to love you unconditionally are batshit nuts and incapable of normal healthy love. Don't let them write your story. Write your own.

Curse from God?! She's the curse. Does she know how to cook socks in hell?

If you are talking about nonsense things like your aunt's phone you are not Low Contact....

You need to distance yourself further and not engage at all on anything other than massive massive genuine issues - which who uses your aunt's phone and when and why, isn't....

Just accept it - your mother is too 'perfect' for any church. She is probably too 'perfect' for you too. You won't be allowed to say anything that might put her in a poor light or implies that she needs help. It is her lack of self esteem that it the problem here, not yours. Back off from these spats, she is hyper defensive and it will damage you.

I wish I hadn't brought up the phone now, I normally don't ask them about anything but I got curious because we gave them a phone a year ago, so was wondering if they were having trouble with it. And now my cousin is apparently the one who's lying, even though he wasn't involved (cousin is the son of a different aunt and lives miles away).

Sometimes I forget that I can't have normal conversations with them and I know there's still the little girl in me that hopes things might change, although that hope is fading more and more. I forget, because I have perfectly normal conversations with my FIL and think "FIL is reacting normally to this, my parents can't turn this into something crazy" so I tell them the same news, and somehow they manage to react in a way I didn't expect. I sent FIL a photo of our baby, he wrote back "he's so sweet". Thought I'd send the same photo to my dad, response was "why does he not look happy?"

I barely have any contact with my mum, last time I spoke to her was about a month ago and only via WhatsApp. We have had so many things happen since then including medical stuff, I haven't told her any of it and don't plan to. As a result there will be some things she may find out through my FIL (who is lovely) and she will be sad / embarrassed that she's finding out through him rather than me, and it will put FIL in an awkward position. I occasionally text my dad but I realise I have to cut that down too. I suspect that it's actually my mum using my dad's phone because I blocked her number a month ago.

Anyway I AM working on going NC, I KNOW they are the problem and not me, my head knows to keep away from them, it's my heart that needs to catch up with the realisation. Now that I've had some time to reflect I realise this isn't about the phone, it's just symptomatic of a much bigger issue. Yesterday I was getting upset about them thinking I was lying, today I don't care.