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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ungrateful or ungracious?

37 replies

GBShaw · 19/03/2019 17:51

New to all this but will be glad of your thoughts.
Am in a new relationship - 6 months
My partners son married a year ago. They are now expecting first child in September.
Thing is, we thought a week-end away would be a suitable 1st Anniversary gift. However, when we asked for a suitable date from them, DIL e-mailed us declining offer but requesting cash equivalent.
Is it me or is this acceptable?

OP posts:
DoneLikeAKipper · 19/03/2019 17:54

You’re a bit over-involved in this I think. You’ve been in a relationship with this man for six months, and now making joint decisions on gift-giving? As new parents I can see why cash would be preferred to a weekend trip, for many reasons.

PurpleDaisies · 19/03/2019 17:56

Requesting a cash equivalent is really rude.

ScreamingValenta · 19/03/2019 17:56

Declining the offer is fine as long as it was done politely, but the DIL should have waited for you to propose an alternative or ask her what she'd like instead.

DoneLikeAKipper · 19/03/2019 17:56

Oh, and ‘deciding’ the gift and asking the dates instead of asking if they’d like that as a gift is not ok. A trip involves planning, packing, arranging travel. It can be annoying at the best of times, forced upon you when pregnant is a bit of a no-no.

MinorChef · 19/03/2019 17:57

Bare faced cheek!

Original poster
GBShaw · 19/03/2019 17:57

I'm in a relationship with this WOMAN!
Gift was to be from us jointly!

OP posts:
DoneLikeAKipper · 19/03/2019 17:59

I'm in a relationship with this WOMAN!
Gift was to be from us jointly!

I apologise for assuming it was a man you were in a relationship with. I still stand by the rest (though if they outright asked for money, it is rude).

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 19/03/2019 17:59

Partners relationship with his own son sets the dynamics.

TBH, you're 6 month into a new relationship, I'd probably be raising an eye brow at the 'we' business (we thought, we asked, email us) - if I were you, back off a bit

pootyisabadcat · 19/03/2019 17:59

Grabby as fuck! You just say decline, not ask for the money. 'I'm sorry you didn't like the offer, but it wasn't an offer of cash. We'll try to honour the occasion in another way perhaps,' and then send them a card.

whiteroseredrose · 19/03/2019 17:59

I'd just not give anything.

Nicknacky · 19/03/2019 17:59

Why? You have only been seeing other 6 months? Leave it to his mother to organise and decide.

Original poster
GBShaw · 19/03/2019 18:00

DonelikeaKipper - what planet are you from?
Refuse the gift if you must = RUDE
Ask for cash instead = money grabbing???

OP posts:
BigFatGiant · 19/03/2019 18:02

Both ungrateful (refusing a gift) and ungracious (asking for money). But at the same time you should have realised that that is a bit of a shit gift idea for people who are about to become parents (both because a more financially beneficial gift like cash or a buggy or a fridge or whatever would be more useful and because a pregnant woman may not really feel up to traveling to some place that someone else has chosen which she may not necessarily want to go to even if she’s feeling great which she probably isn’t).

CalmdownJanet · 19/03/2019 18:03

Were you deciding on the destination for the weekend away?

Who asked which weekend suited you or your girlfriend?

Did they give a reason why the weekend didn't suit?

Loopytiles · 19/03/2019 18:03

Declining the weekend away / not rude.

Asking for cash - rude, unless perhaps your DP regularly gives cash to her DS as a gift.

L1989 · 19/03/2019 18:04

I think it's fine for them to politely decline the gift but not to then ask for the money instead.

OnoAnotherNC · 19/03/2019 18:05

If they are preparing for a baby I can quite understand why the money would be more useful and a weekend away (that comes with it's own expenses) could be impractical.

I also agree that six months is a new relationship and you shouldn't be so involved in the gift-giving to your 'DIL'.

Original poster
GBShaw · 19/03/2019 18:07

Chose venue as DIL had expressed wish to visit; discussed with both at end of January. Have already offered financial support for baby preparations.

OP posts:
PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 19/03/2019 18:08

TBH - the lads mother should be driving this, not her new squeeze.

I hate these sorts of 'gifts' - we've booked you mini break - with zero thought as to how you're going to get there, whether you have the wardrobe for it, whether you have the spare cash for eating or sight seeing, whether you can actually be bothered with the whole rigmarole when 4 months pregnant.

It isn't a thoughtful or nice present, it's a bloody PIA (in my opinion), its not something I would have wanted - please tell me its not a poxy spa weekend.

Original poster
GBShaw · 19/03/2019 18:09

Thought they might prefer to leave trip until after baby arrived.
Trip was 'all expenses paid'

OP posts:
pootyisabadcat · 19/03/2019 18:13

Thought they might prefer to leave trip until after baby arrived.
Trip was 'all expenses paid'

But then they have to take the baby along, most people don't want to leave a young baby or cannot if the baby is breastfed. It could be a real PITA. But asking for the cash is rude.

toomuchtooold · 19/03/2019 18:14

After the baby's born the weekend away will be even less convenient. Take the baby = busman's holiday. Leave the baby with someone else = spend the whole weekend worrying they're OK.

toomuchtooold · 19/03/2019 18:15

Snap, pooty!

DoneLikeAKipper · 19/03/2019 18:15

DonelikeaKipper - what planet are you from?

One where you don’t start doing ‘joint gifts’ for partner’s children after only six months in a relationship.

Thought they might prefer to leave trip until after baby arrived.

By the time the baby would be old enough to be left (if the parents felt comfortable doing so), it may well be a second anniversary present by that point.

I’ve already said it was rude to ask for cash instead of the gift.

I’m really surprised at how involved you are with cash giving at all to other people’s adult kids, when it seems you’ve only been in their lives five minutes, then judging how ‘grabby’ they are. I suggest you calm down with big gift gestures on your end until you’re better involved with the family, it’s evidently already causing you problems.

blankittyblank · 19/03/2019 18:20

I guess it depends on how skint they are. If they have little money, an you're offering them a trip which is a good amount of money for them then maybe they think you're happy to part with the money.

My dad always does this weird thing, where he will only give us money with conditions... ie we must buy a fridge (or something) with it. Which is really annoying, cus we were super skint at the time he was offering this, and didn't need a fridge but could have really done with the money.

Asking for the money is cheeky - but I wouldn't like to be dictated where I will be going on holiday either! Plus, I'm not sure I'd want a weekend away so soon after having a baby. Its tricky. I'd just give them the money. You're happy to part with it anyway.