Ungrateful or ungracious?

[GBShaw]

New to all this but will be glad of your thoughts.
Am in a new relationship - 6 months
My partners son married a year ago. They are now expecting first child in September.
Thing is, we thought a week-end away would be a suitable 1st Anniversary gift. However, when we asked for a suitable date from them, DIL e-mailed us declining offer but requesting cash equivalent.
Is it me or is this acceptable?

It depends what was said I think, I know I could say to my Mam
"That's such a nice thought Mam but honestly we have so much on, money is tight, then baby arrives and I'm not committing to anything a few months before or after baby as I'm just not sure how I'll feel. If you wanted we could treat ourselves to something else instead with the cash, that would be really appreciated"

And I don't think that would be ungrateful at all. The thing here is it should have cone from the son/daughter to the mother not to you and not via the dil, you can say things as an adult child to a parent that a partner often can't pull off.

But I too think its weird you are so involved after 6 months and I wonder if they think so too and that's why refused?

Why was it joint? Do you have joint finances?

I wouldn't have any issue if my DC asked for cash for an anniversary or birthday or Christmas instead of a gift. We have the type of relationship where they would certainly feel that they could ask- in fact I ask them what they want for each event and that would certainly include cash.

When my daughter is fully grown, if I offer her an expensive present but she’d prefer something else, I hope we’d have a nice easy relationship where she can say “that’s really thoughtful mum, thank you - love you! But it’s not really what we’d want right now - and maternity leave will be a bit tight. If you don’t mind, could we just have cash and decide ourselves?”

And I’d say “course sweetie, I just want to do something nice for you - will transfer £x tonight x”

It isn’t rude, depending on how it’s handled.

I think you oiled leave this issue between your partner and her child. You are far too new to understand the dynamic of their parent child relationship.

It was a lovely gift, incredibly generous of 50% from you, although I would feel uncomfortable to receive a big joint present from such a new love interest of my parents.

Step families are difficult enough - don’t go looking for trouble!

And if money was tight I might quietly and respectfully ask a parent for money instead. But your not one of the parents here - I think you might be overstepping.

From what you've written, she was ungracious. However, we don't know how her email was worded. Did she say, "we'd like the cash instead" or did she say "that's really thoughtful of you! But we've had a think and to be honest the cash would be far more practical and useful at the moment, would that be ok?"

If I were her, I'd have thought the weekend away idea and pretty impractical and lacking in thought, however well intended.

Regardless, shouldn't this be between your GF Nd her DS rather than you and your GF's DIL?

I think it's fine to tell a parent that you'd prefer cash. DD is now an adult, and I always ask her if there's anything specific that she wants, or if she'd rather have the money (my DM does the same for DB and me).

Refusing a gift this specific isn't rude – you have no idea how her pregnancy is going but I would have not been able to go on a trip for the first 6 months of pregnancy and would have been totally miserable at the extra work it would have been.

Asking for cash equivalent, however, is rude. Your son in law and his wife should have graciously thanked and declined, with explanation, putting the ball back in your and your partner's court.

Honestly, you're way too involved. At 6 months you are a girlfriend, not a partner. You don't 'offer support', their parent does.

That aside, declining a weekend away is absolutely fine. It's a lovely thought, but not one that has to be taken up. Asking for money instead is rude on the surface, but for example I know if I said to my parents "you know what, it's such a lovely idea but right now we have so many things we are trying to do that I'd rather have some money instead" they'd have no problem with it. It's in how it is said, and the existing relationship. The latter is something you won't have much knowledge of yet.

A gift is primarily about pleasing the recipient, not the giver.

I agree with barren you seem overly invested in your DPs relationship with her DS and DIL.

I did similar to the DIL in this situation. DPs had kindly offered to pay for us to stay for a night U9FIJH
in a hotel of their choosing, but when I looked at it, it seemed like a hotel for older people and not one we'd like, I therefore asked if it was ok if we stayed somewhere else and my parents agreed. Rude maybe but I'd rather that than spend precious time off at somewhere that doesn't appeal to me.

To be honest, I have the sort of relationship with my grown up kids where I wouldn’t have a problem with them asking for cash instead. If I’m happy to spend the money, then what’s the issue?

I don’t think it’s for you to police this.

Mmmm, I was unsure of your relationship as you referred to DIL but I presume you mean your DP's DIL.

Well, you did discuss this present with them but I assume things have changed because of the pregnancy. It does sound like your DP's DIL has been rude unless she said more than you have told us.

Not sure she was ungrateful though.

My family are ok with asking for cash instead of gifts; that way the person can add more to it if there was something more expensive they were saving for.

I wouldn't like to commit to a weekend away whilst pregnant or with a new baby to be honest and although you are helping towards the baby every extra penny is a bonus x