Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset my boyfriend has been off the radar

71 replies

WrexhamBuxom · 19/03/2019 10:50

My boyfriend went on holiday/to visit family a few days ago. It was just for a short visit, a few days.

We have been in touch a couple of times, both of which I initiated. He has not messaged me in and of his own doing.

I'm hurt and bothered. Checking in doesn't take very long. A "I'm having a great time, can't wait to see you soon" takes all of a few seconds. And, I am sure there are a few minutes prior to bed each night that he has to himself that he could have time for a quick message. It's not like he is out with his family ALL day, then collapses into the bed at night with no warning.

AIBU? Should I be upset? I am not necessarily worried, though maybe I should be. Just hurt that he seems to be radio silent for now.

OP posts:
blueyellowgreen · 20/03/2019 06:20

I'd expect some texts for sure. But then I've only just discovered that not all partners text each other throughout the day while at work. My partner and I send each other quite a lot of messages ranging from functional 'can you buy some milk', to general chit chat about things happening in our day. Until recently I (wrongly) assumes everybody did this! So I guess I'm saying people are different and definitely doesn't mean anything is up but like yourself I would prefer to receive some messages. Nice to think my partner is thinking about me...

PH03b3 · 20/03/2019 06:30

Dh and i are forever texting both day to day stuff but also random little conversations i.e what our cat would take on holiday. So unless he is in a course or in a meeting i would find it odd

Monty27 · 20/03/2019 06:35

He CBA. Sling him.

MintyT · 20/03/2019 06:35

If he's landed and not texted landed or home I would be concerned- don't text - wait. See what happens, but I would be upset by now

Seahorseshoe · 20/03/2019 06:42

It doesn't take long to say "hi, I'm having a great time" BUT that might instigate a long, drawn out text conversation and it might be that that he is avoiding. It might seem rude him being on his phone for ages, if he's with family.

I regularly travel and spend several days away from home, DH always texts to check in, he gets to me first because, being away, I'm busy and time flies. Your bf might be busy too.

Having said that, I would expect daily contact by one of us, literally, checking in to see we are both ok at the very least. We have kids and I'd want to know that the DC are ok too.

GetStrongKeepFighting · 20/03/2019 06:42

It all sounds unnecessarily over dramatic. You feel guilty turning over in bed!?! Ffs. He doesn't need 100% attention 100% of the time you're together!

Monty27 · 20/03/2019 06:43

You can send a text in a matter of seconds

OohYeBelter47 · 20/03/2019 07:14

I think it's odd he has completely ignored your texts since Saturday (think you meant you have still messaged him?) and he has travelled home without saying he is on his way whatever.

NameChangeNugget · 20/03/2019 08:03

He’s away, why the constant need for validation?

You haven’t been togetgerba year yet, it sounds like you’re putting unnecessary pressure on your relationship

ShatnersWig · 20/03/2019 08:11

I went away a couple of years ago for a long weekend with my best friend. We've been on holiday many times and we always have a twin room although I'm male and she's not - neither of us in hugely well paid jobs and we've known each years.

Day one, going round a National Trust property and the mobile was coming out every 20 minutes and she was checking for messages from the guy she'd been seeing for two months. Next stop, the same. Had a meal in the evening, said she was tired, so back to the B&B. Wasn't tired at all, wanted to just keep checking her phone for messages.

Day two was the same. That night, I'd been trying to sleep for over an hour but I kept waking up due to the flashing light of her phone where she was checking for messages. Not sending - checking. In the end I just said "oh for FUCK'S SAKE will you stop being so fucking needy and let me get some sleep even if you don't want any"

She hadn't heard from him since Friday lunchtime apparently.

It ended not long after and one of the reasons was because of their difference in textual communication. Fuck's sake.

EmeraldShamrock · 20/03/2019 13:11

I even feel guilty rolling over in bed to check my phone sometimes
I mean this kindly OP but you really need to work on your self esteem, you'll have a breakdown feeling guilty over such little things.
Have you heard from him.

Original poster
WrexhamBuxom · 20/03/2019 22:02

The answer to have I heard from him is no, I haven't. I have not reached out either, and at this point, I don't know what to do.

We are less than 2 days out from our weekend away, and there is so much to discuss. What to pack, what to bring, food to make/bring.

It would be nice to know that he's, you know...alive. In that sense, I do want to reach out. But, it's starting to feel very intentional now. He has to realize by now that he should have messaged me, right?

OP posts:
Original poster
WrexhamBuxom · 20/03/2019 22:53

Well....I finally got a message. "Hey stranger."

I have no idea how to respond. If I play it super cool, I am afraid he will think it's okay. But, if I freak out, I don't want to come across as smothering.

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 20/03/2019 22:58

Awh crap I am sorry OP. Your gut feeling was probably right, if he makes contact he better have a good excuse. I am sorry I and other pps assumed he was busy with family. Flowers

EmeraldShamrock · 20/03/2019 23:03

Thread carefully that is not a very nice response, calling you stranger.
He should be texting with his reason plus an apology.
It will be hard to get over this, assuming you both go on the weekend, you'll figure out his feelings.

EmeraldShamrock · 20/03/2019 23:05

To add feel free to freak out, if the relationship is to last he has to know.

Chinks123 · 20/03/2019 23:06

From the “hey stranger” it feels to me that he was expecting to hear from you..almost saying “hey why haven’t you been in touch.” Reads to me like he expects you to text first and initiate conversation. This is why I hate dating it’s exhausting figuring everything out.

memaymamo · 20/03/2019 23:12

The most likely answer is that there's nothing wrong and you're overthinking it. It's always harder for the person left behind because you're lonely and bored with nothing else to think about while he's in a totally different zone/mode, consumed by the people and experiences where he is.

I would be wary of thinking it's a conscious decision not to text you. It's very likely not.

AtrociousCircumstance · 20/03/2019 23:12

I think the ‘hey steanger’ Is an attempt to make it seem like you are the one who had neglected him. Whereas in truth he has been AWOL.

Don’t reply. Wait and see what he does.

The ‘hey stranger’ seems manipulative and bullshitty to me.

He could have opened with “Hey! So sorry I’ve been a bit quiet. I be been thinking about you and can’t wait to plan our weekend away!”

Lostandconfused240 · 20/03/2019 23:17

I am BIG on communication so it would be an issue for me.

My love language is words of affirmation, so without regular contact/communication, I don't feel loved. I can understand that the back and forth volley of texts you send and receive in the early stages and the three hour phone calls can't be sustained, but communication is still highly important to me.

For other people that level of communication is annoying/cloying - it's individual preference.

I would say a good morning and good night message and one in the day to recap what they've done or something would be bare minimum. But also in saying this now that my partner and I live together we go longer periods without talking.

timeisnotaline · 20/03/2019 23:19

I suppose you could make it clear he’s the one not been in contact- hey x! I thought you might have fled the country, all ok?

burnoutbabe · 20/03/2019 23:22

You may as well just text back a breezy hello and confirm plans for the weekend. Least you know where you stand and assuming all still on, can talk about communication style after trip.
Abs if he has gone off you, you may as well know now. I'd think it strange not to hear from him when he was travelling back and bored hanging around airports etc but different folks have different styles. Hopefully it's fine but don't screw up a good think by being paranoid without cause.

losingfaith · 20/03/2019 23:54

I was going to say he is probably just thoughtless. Your opening post was my now husband and I 12 years ago...my husband was just thoughtless! However, he contacted me re meeting up as soon as I got back.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/03/2019 03:07

He doesn't seem like much of a boyfriend to me. Hey stranger?? Tell him to fuck off.

Bubs101 · 21/03/2019 03:18

to be honest, some women on here are fine with minimal contact, and that's their prerogative. However, I'm like you where I expect a little bit more contact from my DP, I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a short text once a day, just checking in, it takes all of a couple of seconds. People set different standards for the behaviour they expect in life, don't be ashamed of wanting a little more :)

Swipe left for the next trending thread