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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend telling me to 'get a life' - AIBU to tell her to get fucked?!

55 replies

HelenLaBloodyAnnoyed · 18/03/2019 22:29

One of my friends is always lecturing me on how I need to get a life, make time for myself, make the effort to meet a new partner, take time out and so on and so forth. I appreciate the sentiment but the reality is I have an 11 year old who's clingy due to emotional abuse from her father, a 5 year old who has HFA, a 4 year old who is diabetic and possibly has ADHD/PDA, a 1 year old who's still breastfeeding. I work from home at night and make a pittance. I can't work during the day at the moment due to my caring responsibilities and the reality of childcare costs for 4 DC.

I don't like the idea of leaving the DC with a babysitter but even if I did, I can't because of the various issues detailed above. I have no family support at all. It's really beginning to grate on me that my friend keeps telling me all about her trips to the gym, people she's met, nights out she's planning and rolling her eyes like I'm being a martyr when I say it isn't an option for me right now. AIBU to give her short shrift if she starts with the same conversation when I see her tomorrow?

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 18/03/2019 23:59

She's very superficial, with her nights out and her gym. You've got more important things to worry about. She doesn't sound like a friend to me.

jessicawessica · 19/03/2019 00:00

Asking her to babysit will make her realise what a twat she is being, that's why.
Give her 30 mins whilst you go to the gym she will be begging you to come home

Chocmallows · 19/03/2019 00:01

Enjoy your DC and avoid the witch.

SleepingStandingUp · 19/03/2019 00:01

Are you constantly complaining about being single and having no time for yourself? If so then maybe she's taxtlessly trying to help.

Otherwise she's just being a. Rap friend.

Every time she mentions it say "are you offering to baby sit then?" she's soon shit ul

TurboTeddy · 19/03/2019 00:20

Wow she's a friend? A decent friend with fewer commitments would offer to babysit once in a while to give you some time for yourself. If they weren't able to do that they could at least be supportive. Sounds like she's a commitment with zero reward, get rid and make room in your life for a better friend.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/03/2019 00:59

She's an idiot, plain and simple.
Next time she says it, ask her how she thinks you could possibly manage it - get her to give you a detailed plan. When she can't, then you can look pityingly at her and say "now maybe you get it you can stop with the useless "advice", eh?"

NoineNoine · 19/03/2019 04:39

Ugh, I hate people like this. Sounds like she's one of those people who are really unhappy with themselves and keep trying to put others down. Feel free to ask her to shove her unwanted advice up where the sun don't shine.

AgentJohnson · 19/03/2019 06:19

Yes she sounds smug and annoying but how was having another child going to make life easier or cheaper?

Preggosaurus9 · 19/03/2019 06:21

Definitely thank her for her babysitting offer. 7pm tonight then? Thanks! See you then!

Sarcelle · 19/03/2019 06:23

You do need to make some time in your life. Make a start by dropping her. It's a start.

Original poster
HelenLaBloodyAnnoyed · 19/03/2019 06:51

No I don't complain about how life is for me right now. I just figure it's going to get a bit easier in time, when my 4 year old starts school and I only have one DC at home for example. She keeps insisting I should try signing up to Tinder, but it's not as if I'm going to rock up to meet some guy with 4 kids in tow Hmm She says I'm being defeatist.

OP posts:
Stormyday · 19/03/2019 06:52

She obviously doesn’t have children herself. She doesn’t have a clue.

Vulpine · 19/03/2019 06:57

Your original post sounds like you are struggling. In her own crass way she's just trying to help.

Cornettoninja · 19/03/2019 07:07

She sounds like she’s lacking any empathy and you sound like you’re in a tough place right now Flowers

If you have decided the friendship isn’t worth it by all means tell her to fuck off (and enjoy it!) or otherwise tell her the subject is upsetting right now whilst your energy is going into keeping you all going and the subject is off limits.

Or tell her excitedly you have a lunch date on Saturday, isn’t that great? As she’s been championing you getting out more you thought she could watch the kids for a couple of hours, then fuck off out and either have some lunch or a coffee in peace for a bit.

Soontobe60 · 19/03/2019 07:10

It could just be that she sees you having this life where you are totally immersed in looking after your very needy children by yourself, which isn't a criticism, just an observation. She may want you to have an alternative bit of time for yourself, because she sees you burnt out?
I know someone very like you, who is constantly talking about how she has no time for herself because of her children, yet when practical offers of support are made she dismisses them as she claims no one can look after her kids as well as she does.
We all need time for ourselves to recharge our batteries, even more so when we have additional challenges in our lives.

Original poster
HelenLaBloodyAnnoyed · 19/03/2019 07:29

It's just fact that I have no one else that can have them; I don't complain about it.

OP posts:
OohYeBelter47 · 19/03/2019 07:47

Ask her if she is offering to babysit, if so then it would be nice to have some 'me' time, go off read a book/shop/swim whatever. She'll soon stop saying it if you do this each time.

OohYeBelter47 · 19/03/2019 07:48

Or even better she'll actually babysit for you and you will have some nice self nurturing time

woollyheart · 19/03/2019 07:53

You appear to have quite enough life to cope with at the moment!

Point out that your responsibilities do make the gym and dating unrealistic (and possibly unwanted) activities. However, it would significantly improve your life if you didn't have to listen to her lectures about it.

I'd also take her up on her concern and thank her for being so considerate - tell her it is great to have friends offer to babysit while you have a rest.

yanboo · 19/03/2019 07:53

Things sound very hard for you right now Flowers

I wouldn’t axe a friend in a hurry. She sounds like a lot of people without children. They just don’t get it. I’ve found it infuriating when people have insisted I come out despite knowing I can’t. That said I am still friends with one such person who has gradually realised that I’m not as free as they are to drop everything and go out. This took two years of explaining (through clenched teeth) and I came very close to exploding with rage a lot.

It might be very very hard to make a new friend. Maybe try to make the best of this one.

Movingtoplanetclanger · 19/03/2019 08:11

I dunno there seems to be a lot of attention paid to making an effort appearance wise and finding a new partner. How is that taking time for yourself? I think I'd be inclined to tell her to fuck off too.

maverickgoose · 19/03/2019 08:39

I agree with many others that she is utterly clueless and lacks empathy.
Also agree that you should ask her to babysit a couple of nights a week every week so that you can implement her excellent plans. Oh, and ask her for the cash so you can afford it too.

EmeraldShamrock · 19/03/2019 09:09

Your friend is delusional. How would you have time, unfortunately with 4 DC your needs will be side lined but it wont be forever Flowers

ittakes2 · 19/03/2019 09:38

Sounds like you have a a life - a very busy one! Ignore her - find someone who gets it!

Lizzie48 · 19/03/2019 10:01

I'd be tempted to ask her to babysit as well. It might shut her up.

You really are doing an amazing job, OP. I have 2 adopted DDs (nearly 10 and just turned 7); DD1 has a lot of attachment issues and SEN and DD2 can be very clingy. That's hard enough to cope with and I have my DH to share the load and he's very hands-on.

If your friend doesn't shut up, you should ask yourself whether you really want her as a friend? Friendships are supposed to enrich your life, not make you feel worse.

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