To think he should still pay maintenance if he takes a 'career break'

[PIPERHELLO]

Just that really. He's very well paid (six figs) and planning a career break. I am struggling to find a definitive answer online as to whether he can be forced (by court / Child Maintenance service) to continue paying maintenance if he voluntarily leaves his job.

Thanks.

Dear OP

I sympathise re paying for child support. We are in different circumstances in that I have always worked and earned more than my XH so there has never been any spousal maintenance involved. However i did hit a similar situation re child support.

My XH told me he was intending to take a sabbatical from work and wouldn't therefore be paying child support during the period. I said that I didn't understand why he wouldn't be supporting his children given that the cost of their food, clothes and other expenses wouldn't be going away and he was electing voluntarily not to work. It would be different if he had lost his job and been made redundant. He was choosing not to work and therefore choosing not to support his children. What it amounted to was him expecting me to subsidise his time off - something that we might have discussed if we were still married but not now that we were divorced.

I feel strongly that parents have a responsibility to support their children on a continuous and consistent basis. As their mother I would never opt out of housing, feeding or supporting them. I didn't understand why he got to take a year off from it. It wasn't as if he was asking to look after them more during that time and taking on more parental responsibility - in fact he was planning to go abroad and see them less.

In the end he backed down and kept paying. Whether mother or father I think whatever plans you are making you need to keep it in the forefront of your mind - how will I still support my children? Not expect the XW to simply subsidise your jaunts. JMO.

Did we ever find out WHY the ex H is taking a career break ?

Far too much conjecture in this thread. I thought the OP might address some of the questions re her Ex.

no, we did not.

I’ve also never met an NRP who wants to be the RP

My DH would love to be RP and has said as much to his ex on numerous occasions. Not just because he wants it but because it genuinely would work better for the children as his working hours are a lot more structured than hers (she works night shifts) meaning the children end up staying with grandparent's on her nights a lot and DH does most school pick ups etc... anyway.

He is continually told to fuck off at even daring to suggest he becomes the RP despite it being the most sensible option for everyone involved and is accused of saying she's a bad mother.

Not that this adds anything to OPs predicament sorry!

Was the mum their primary carer when they were still married Chanandler? I think it's also relevant how the marriage ended. If he left her, then it would be unfair for him to take the kids too. If she left him, or he was primary carer before the divorce, it might make more sense for them to live with him. It's tricky, because at heart most people believe kids should be with their mum. But is true that not all mums are good and there are cases where the kids would be better off with dad.
Society judges women very harshly when their children don't live with them, which is another thing to consider.

I think the issues are complex because on the one hand a lot of women (me included) have almost had it 'programmed in' to be a mother - biologically, I think for me. Not very fashionable thing to say and I fully expect a good old MN roasting, but true & from the heart. I wanted to look after our son. I do support myself and my son through work, and nor would I want not to do so; especially having been so let down by my XH. I would NEVER advise ANY WOMAN to give up work after having children. I see it and shudder because he her H leaves her / they split up / she leaves, she is likely to be royally buggered.

There is a lot of crap going around about women pillaging their XH's for millions when they divorce. Bollocks from what i am told by lawyers these days.

Re. 50/50 split of time. I do not feel it would be in our son's best interests for him to split his time 50/50. Yes, that might be considered 'fairer' to my XH, but I don't think it's best for our son. And that is the most important thing.

The career break is - as far as I can see - a whim. Nothing more or less. Possibly him wanting to spend more time with his new gf / his gf wanting that too.

Was the mum their primary carer when they were still married Chanandler? I think it's also relevant how the marriage ended. If he left her, then it would be unfair for him to take the kids too. If she left him, or he was primary carer before the divorce, it might make more sense for them to live with him. It's tricky, because at heart most people believe kids should be with their mum. But is true that not all mums are good and there are cases where the kids would be better off with dad.
Society judges women very harshly when their children don't live with them, which is another thing to consider

Default is always the mother.
My dbro wanted RP. They both worked full time, he did the bulk of the ferrying about, reading stories etc as his work was more flexible. Plus our mum did all the childcare.

His wife had an affair. Asked him to go stay with mum for a few days as she “needed time to think”. By monday she had moved her om in and emptied the joint accounts while he was looking at marriage counselling.

He was never allowed back in the house. Not even to pack his bags.

He went to a solicitor and a) she was in the house, and he had nowhere to house the children. B) he was advised against trying for RP as her treatment of him was irrelevant to the divorce, and as he couldn’t prove her unfit no court would evict her and remove the kids from her care.

He was nearly suicidal over only seeing his kids at weekends. He’s always paid, and seen them as often as possible, but has never felt like a proper parent, he feels like he is there to pay up and provide childcare at her request. He isn’t allowed to make decisions or doing anything she doesn’t allow.

As shit as divorce is, i would 100% rather be a woman than a man in that situation. At least I would be unlikely to lose my home and kids as well as my marriage.

Even if, in later years, there was an opportunity for the kids to live with him he never managed to get back on the housing ladder- she was awarded the house as the kids were young and the court wouldn’t make them homeless, and she couldn’t afford to buy him out. Ironically as another man lived there he couldn’t remain on the mortgage until the kids were grown, so it was a straight transfer into her name.

So will you go to court OP? If he has a big pile of cash to pay living expenses during this sabbatical then he can also pay monthly maintenance payments. But only court will award that, as pp have said.

Micah, that's awful. I'm so sorry this happened to your brother.

Micah

That's why I give a hollow laugh at patriarchy comments...patriarchy may be deep seated in our society but not when it comes to parenting....certainly not when it comes to cases like your DB and my DS..my DS is considering leaving the country...'if I cant see my boys it doesn't matter where I live' .

We already have lost contact with DGC as we refused to get drawn into the drama she caused.

Parental alienation causes MH in children and should be viewed as abuse in court and the parent doing it should risk losing the children.

micah that sounds awful, your poor db.
However....I don't know how long ago this was, but that is absolutely NOT what I was advised would happen.

Yes, short term she might have got the house whilst the kids needed somewhere to live. But no court that I have ever come across would award the house /assets to the mother just like that. Assets are split equally.

I'm sorry, but there just must be more to this, it feels v one-sided. Your ex Sis in law sounds awful and like she behaved terribly, but I just don't buy that your brother would get nothing and she'd get everything. It just doesn't work like that (at least not anymore). And nor should it.

I think people often paint a very one-sided view of divorce; I hear constantly (from men normally) "oh she took me to the cleaners, took everything from me". That is not what happens. It just isn't. You get divorced, things tend to get split 50:50.

I don't u understand how you can just get taken off the mortgage Micah.

Two people owned the house and you're saying his half just got taken off him? Did he seek legal advice, because it really doesn't make sense to me. Was it in the UK?

My XW did all kinds of shit to my DD and it took all my strength and conviction to overcome my own societal bias. I genuinely thought, how can I take a child away from her mother, despite her terrible actions.

My weak reaction to the severity of what happened set a precedent that cafcass latched onto. I'm RP thank god, but I still live in fear of my XW stability with my DD.

🤔 I’m not sure that forcing any single father to work FT is reasonable.

I get what you’re saying that it’s shit if they do it specifically to get out of paying maintenance but I mean, be serious, you can’t tell someone they no longer have autonomy over their own lives because they happen to have kids with an ex 🙄

My father had to quit work due to severe MH issues when my sibling and I were small. My mother was married to him but over night we lost his income - probs better than losing him though right?

But because she was still married to him she just got on with it! I think a fair free women on here would have kicked off that he’d had the audacity to leave his job and called him all sorts of names 🤔

When you have kids you do lose autonomy over your own life because if you are a decent parent, your children's needs come first.
No one would expect a person who is seriously ill to keep on working, but illness aside, you lose your right to just please yourself when you choose to become a parent.