AIBU to not want to wash the au pair's dishes?!

[WhatIsSleep123]

We just got an au pair for the first time and I'm not sure what to expect so would love some help please. I'm particularly interested if you have had au pairs before.
The au pair arrived last week to allow for one week of settling in, getting to know the area, etc.
Today was her first day and I am not very impressed. She just put her things in the sink and go to sit down on the sofa on her phone. Is it normal?
Does it mean that know I will have even more housework than before?
AIBU to not want to wash her dishes?

Just dh and me here. We have a slimline dishwasher which we run every evening with all the day’s washing up. We unload it in the morning before breakfast setting the table direct from the dishwasher and putting everything else away while our eggs are boiling.

I'm convinced that we definitely need a dishwasher now. Believe me or not, I actually enjoy washing dishes, but I think the time has come for one!
She was in her bedroom last night and it was a bit late for a chat, so we are hoping for one this evening. I will make her a cup of tea! 😊
I have found lots of website with examples of au pair routines and they are all pretty similar to what I expect. I am going to print it for her.

Not dishes related, but is it normal for au pairs to use your toothpaste, shower gel, shampoo, conditioner, etc?
When I've noticed that she only put her toothbrush in the bathroom, I've asked when we were out if she needed to get any toiletries for her personal use, she said "no, I'm using the ones I found in the bathroom"

Well I wouldn't because I'm fussy on brands!
So I would have much rather bought my own stuff. And when we had au pairs growing up they didn't share our bathrooms so I can't think what happened.

Are these expensive things and if you bought her her own you'd buy cheaper?

I was an au pair. When I went there I was leaving a pretty awful situation here, and I had nothing. I wouldn't have had the money to buy things like shampoo. I also woke up early everyday to work, but I was never told what to do! I was trying to fit in a family, but I felt like a spare part. It's all about communication. I am sure she will get some toiletries when she gets some pocket money.

When you’re running round on a morning why don’t you ask her to help? Could be that she wants to but doesn’t know if it’s right to start helping? If it’s her first time then she may not understand what she is to do.

Former au pair here.

I au paired for two families. The first was incredibly awkward, because there was no direction in terms of what I was to do. I knew when to pick the kids up, knew to do their homework, but as far as anything else goes I hadn't a clue. It's not as simple as using your initiative either - there's the fear of doing something wrong in an unfamiliar family.

The second family were much clearer, to the point I even knew what I was to cook for the kids dinner and the situation was far far better.

As an aside, if she's only been with you for a week then she port alt doesn't have the money for toiletries etc, and felt too awkward to take up your offer in the supermarket.

Finally I'd say be careful with the housework - an au pair is there mainly for the children. She isn't there to wash up after every meal etc.

Hi Op. I'm on my 6th au pair. Yes to pp saying you need to set out exactly what is expected of them and what is not acceptable. Rules of the house (I include that we all chip in and do dishes bins etc) clearly set out. I have a big excel sheet with timings and what to do each day. Change beds wash towels tidy rooms etc. She throws our laundry in if there's a pile ready and we don't do hers. I cook too much each evening (she eats with the children as we're home late) and she has that for lunch or grand a sandwich. I menu plan so she knows what to cook each evening and not to eat what I've planned for supper that night for her lunch. It's always worked really well. Everyone knows where they stand.

Also my advice is to bring up any issues, in person, as soon as they happen. We have a candid talk at the beginning and both agree this. Same goes for anything she's unhappy with. Mustn't let anything fester.

Happy to send you my email excel sheets and schedules etc if it would help.

Very helpful to hear if you've had lots of au pairs and also from an au pair's point of view. I'm working on the schedule and would be very helpful to see your spreadsheet @usernamerisnotavailable. I didn't see her this morning, she was still asleep when I left for work. I told her that our daily routine starts at 7am. DH was making breakfast and getting DC ready when I left.

The DC and DH have normal whitening Colgate toothpaste and children's toothpaste, while I have a sensitive one, which is a bit more expensive. They have standard shampoo and conditioner (elvive, herbal essences, etc) while I usually buy mine from the hair shop as I think the professional range works best on my hair (it's much more expensive than theirs). I don't her using mine, obviously. So perhaps I need to point that out to her.

Annoying definitely. I guess it depends on the duties agreed. Honey lull, on the list of duties or not, it surely would just be what you would do to have dishes done, maybe even dinner started when you came in from work. Depending on if you are happy for her to do that and had discussed it.

Definitely keep the professional shampoo separate! If you were buying a separate bottle for her it would be Elvive etc so if she is happy to share with the kids then it should be that stuff.

Spreadsheet sounds fab!

Maybe you could give her a shelf in the bathroom to put her products on? Her own little space?

And defo keep your shampoo separate - I don’t share mine with anyone. It’s too expensive to waste on DH’s less than an inch long hair

Ill send it to you when I get to the office.

Re shampoo toothpaste etc I have never ever had an au pair assume to use ours. They've always brought their own. Most girls like to chose their own washing and beauty products no?

As I said big it's bothering you get it out in the open in a no nonsense way. I also always do a weekly check in chat at the beginning. See how they are feeling. Anything worrying them etc. And I might bring something up then too.

It must be a daunting experience being an au pair for the first time and from my experience, some of them were using an au pair opportunity to either escape an unhappy home or to experience living in another country, not because they had any great interest in children. You can't blame them really but it does lead to some turnover! I'd really really recommend agreeing a notice period to protect you & them - one au pair i had decided to move in with her banker boyfriend with a day's notice - not helpful if you have a week of back to back client meetings. Be prepared for it sometimes not to work out - giving someone the boot isn't nice. I had a young Croatian male au pair who came out virtually as soon as his plane landed & enthusiastically threw himself into the club scene, coming in at 5am, oversleeping & taking my DD into school late. I'd also recommend speaking to your children about what the au pair is there for and what they aren't & to be kind. Just to make it clear, when it works out it is great though & it is like having an additional family member.

Genuinely, it sounds like you need to totally change the way you communicate with her, or you just aren’t suited to have an au pair.

When you have your chat with her, did you say ‘you need to be up at seven’? It isn’t enough to say ‘we are up at seven’. Have you sat and worked out what hours you even need her?

And as for shampoo etc. In the supermarket, you could have said ‘no, those are our ones- you need your own’. And then could have bought her her first ones, and said: when these run out, you can replace them. If that is what you want to do- or if you’re happy to share, say that. You’re not making things clear for her, and she has no idea how things should work in your house, because you aren’t telling her.

is it normal for au pairs to use your toothpaste, shower gel, shampoo, conditioner, etc?

well, yes, if you haven't bought her any. You would buy all that for a family member, wouldn't you?

I would buy her own supplies (including sanitary pads and tampax, just one pack of each and ask her what she prefers).
Au pairs are not paid enough to have to pay for basic things, sorry.

My bathroom has a lot of products on shelves for anyone to use, family, guests, kids friends - shower gels, shampoos, conditioner, toothpaste, got packs of tootbrushes if someone needs them, cotton, and so on.

My own stuff is safely stored away.

Don't buy her make up, but I think it's up to family to buy basic supplies.

Agreed - unless you're paying over the normal rate!

I told her that our daily routine starts at 7am.
And?
That sounds like a fun fact about your household but not much use to your au pair.
When does her routine start?
What does she need to do?
Even if she got up at 7 she would just be watching your DH unless you tell her her working hours and specific jobs.

As for toiletries - I always left a welcome pack of things like shampoo and toothpaste in their room. Until she has been paid and had her days off she can't go shopping anyway.

If you have a dishwasher, do you have enough dishes to put it on every night? Or do you do every other day?

Only me and DH here. I use ours about once a week at weekends. And not always then. DH won't use it at all. He says "I don't believe in dishwashers". Weirdo.

Even if she got up at 7 she would just be watching your DH unless you tell her her working hours and specific jobs

This is a really good point. Do her working hours start at 7? If they do then she will need a clear list of morning jobs so she doesn't feel like she is in your way, especially if she's sharing a bathroom. There're nothing worse than feeling like a spare part

I can’t believe you have an au pair but not a dishwasher misses point of thread