To think my husband is an arse (childcare and house work related)

[thetwinkletoescollective]

Background dh and I both work ft. I am main earner and always have been. This causes dh ‘issues’.

I leave for work at 7.15 so dh gets kids up and to cm mon, Tues, thurs, fri. I do them on a Wednesday morning as I can. I collect them everyday.

This started because Dh thinks I should do all bath and story times every day because he does every morning. When I pointed out he doesn’t and also there is more to do with evening routine he argued that he does more. So I tallied it up and I have done 11 ‘sessions’ and he has done 9 sessions in the past week and a bit that I can remember (am and pm).

He shouted at me for tallying it up - saying that doesn’t show anything. I don’t understand his POV. Tallying it makes it worse.????

He then adds in he does 90 % of the household chores. ????? WTF?????

Seriously he doesn’t. When I show him actual facts he denies them. He doesn’t appreciate at all that we do different things.
I don’t know how to respond to his unreasonableness.

9 vs 11. So almost 50/50 then?

Poor kids with their parents fighting over who gets to spends the least amount of time with them.

What has brought on this bout of petty point scoring? Can you not simply agree as a general rule whoever does am, the other does eve. Give and take? How much does he woh?

Ew. Yet you chose him of all the men in the world to be the father of your children.

Oh wise up formerbabe, it isn't like that at all. Stop being disingenuous.

I assume they don’t get baths every day?

And how pathetic to tally it up.......

He takes them to the cm 3 Mornings a week, quick get him a medal!!

Who does the shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing? Who cleans the toilet is generally a good indicator ime

Yep..with it just a little towards me. Which I sort of knew. This all started because last Tuesday I asked him to do the story and one child’s bath as I had done it three days in a row. He flipped because he had done them in the morning and didn’t think it was fair.

I seriously can’t get my head around what he is wanting and why he thinks he does so much.

Sometimes you have to tally it up for a bit if perspective.

What about your dc? Who would they like bedtime done by?

To be honest, I think you’re both being arses. Arguing about it and tallying it up is pretty immature and unreasonable. And how much you earn is irrelevant, to this post and to the division of labour so not sure why your husband has ‘issues’.
In our place, we are all working when we are there. So if one person is working a shorter day then they contribute until they need to leave or pitch in when they get home. One person doesn’t sit down and rest while the other is running around.It works for us.

I think we need a bit more info. What hours are you each out of the house? What time is pick up time? What’s he doing in the morning to get them ready? How old are they? Do they dress themselves, brush their own teeth?
You have my sympathies though. I have similar with my DH and it builds resentment. I think you need to sit down and work our a routine you’re both happy with. I wouldn’t like to do bedtime routine every night with tired children.

Stop bathing them so often!

It sounds like you could be a bit kinder to each other. I think bedtime might be longer than the mornings, but it also include some nice story reading, while mornings are pretty thankless.

Yes they get baths everyday. They have since day dot.

I don’t know how to refute his claims that he does 90% of stuff without concrete evidence like a tally but poi;t taken about it being pathetic

My dh was convinced he did his fair share. He would collect one child from the cm 5 days a week, he’d be home by 4.40 and wait for me to come home at 7 to cool dinner. He is now my ex!

So stop bathing them every day and adding to the stress. They don’t need bathed daily.

Ok, who cooks? Who does the washing? Who does the washing up? Who hoovers?

You asked him to do the bath because you'd done it three nights in a row? That seems petty.

Asking because you were exhausted or had other things to do, fair enough. But just because "it's not my turn"
does seem petty.

What on earth are your children doing that they need a bath every single day?

Wait, OP’s DH is outright lying to her face about what he does and she’s the pathetic one for actually proving she’s right?

I seriously can’t get my head around what he is wanting and why he thinks he does so much.

Because he's one of those men who thinks childcare is women's work (no matter how much else you do) and you SHOULD be doing it and LOVE doing it and any time he does it he's doing you a massive favour because it's YOUR job.

What does the other parent do while one does bath and bedtime?

We do one person making dinner/cleaning up dinner or tidying while the other does bath and bedtime, so both are helping out and both can rest afterwards.

Poor kids. Tallying things up? Grow up OP - your husband needs to grow up too.

I am out the house at 7.15pm and pick them up at 6pm so it’s a long old day. DH has a more flexible work schedule and is in the gym by 5pm most days. I think he deliberately tries to avoid bath time.

I do enjoy reading to my children and we have read some cracking stories. It’s just the attitude from him that he is so hard done by.

Today for example I tidied the pig style of a kitchen when I got in, made dinner from scratch, did one load of washing and made the bed. I don’t think he is as hard done by as he makes out.

He probably thinks subconsciously or not that childcare and housework are things women should do.

So 40% feels like 90%.