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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband is an arse (childcare and house work related)

75 replies

thetwinkletoescollective · 18/03/2019 20:20

Background dh and I both work ft. I am main earner and always have been. This causes dh ‘issues’.

I leave for work at 7.15 so dh gets kids up and to cm mon, Tues, thurs, fri. I do them on a Wednesday morning as I can. I collect them everyday.

This started because Dh thinks I should do all bath and story times every day because he does every morning. When I pointed out he doesn’t and also there is more to do with evening routine he argued that he does more. So I tallied it up and I have done 11 ‘sessions’ and he has done 9 sessions in the past week and a bit that I can remember (am and pm).

He shouted at me for tallying it up - saying that doesn’t show anything. I don’t understand his POV. Tallying it makes it worse.????

He then adds in he does 90 % of the household chores. ????? WTF?????

Seriously he doesn’t. When I show him actual facts he denies them. He doesn’t appreciate at all that we do different things.
I don’t know how to respond to his unreasonableness.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 18/03/2019 21:03

I would keep the bathtime routine.

Why is he at the gym while the children are at the childminder's? Why doesn't he pick them up?

Do the children eat an evening meal at the childminder's?

kingfisherblue33 · 18/03/2019 21:08

Yeah. What else does he actually do? Sit down together and write down what you act if you do re chores.

Eg
Monday - op
Put on two washes
Changed beds
Put on dishwasher
Did Tesco order
Made oacked lunches
Ironed school clothes

Monday - op’s dh
Put out bins
Got up with dc

And then you can see who does what.

But he sounds like a bit of an arse.

kingfisherblue33 · 18/03/2019 21:09

*what you each do re chores

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 18/03/2019 21:14

Would he consider you both writing things down as you do them and then swapping chores for a week? Some of the things probably seem like nothing at all to him because they aren't physical (like meal planning or remembering that Wednesday is wear pyjamas to school day) but in fact they take mental energy when your brain is already frazzled from work.

3in4years · 18/03/2019 21:15

This reply has been deleted

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Nogoodusername · 18/03/2019 21:18

Come on, it’s not about trying to avoid time with her kids! Quite frankly, mine are feral
at bath and bedtime (i’m surprised they haven’t broken a bed or a limb yet the amount of super hero moves that go on) - I wouldn’t see it as ‘equal’ if I were doing all of them! Could you try and alternate so you both have some mornings and some bedtimes?

Mamia15 · 18/03/2019 21:20

3in4 - hope you mean the H not OP?

H is an arse as he goes to the gym everyday.

You both should have equal amounts of leisure time - is this happening?

cordeliavorkosigan · 18/03/2019 21:22

It seems one of the big issues here is that if he thinks he is doing 90% then he is really not respecting what you do, and that is a major problem.
If he won't listen and maintains he does 90%, and he won't look at a list of things you have done, then what if you suggest that your 10% is clearly non-critical for a week or two, so you stop doing it and he can see what he thinks of the difference.
Also, go to the gym every day for an hour or take equivalent time for yourself for 2 weeks while he does evenings.

I don't think you need to worry about all these accusations that you don't want to spend time with them blah blah. Young DC can be an exhausting slog, with amazing moments and relationships in the midst of a sea of relentless domestic drudgery, and your working days are SO LONG already! It's not surprising that you want a bit of time to yourself and a DH who recognises what you're doing, no matter how much you love them.

WeWantJustice · 18/03/2019 21:25

No YANBU.

He sounds exactly like an arse.

He just sounds like a sexist who believes that you should be doing most of the housework because you have a vagina. He has a simmering resentment that you expect him to do his fair share and you're in denial about it so you're floundering round for complex explanations when it's staring you in the face.

He's a sexist. He doesn't respect you as an equal human being.

Middlrm · 18/03/2019 21:28

I don’t think it’s about how to spend the least time with children ... it’s about how they are doing as a team ... that he doesn’t notice or appreciate her as a partner ...

WeWantJustice · 18/03/2019 21:30

I don't think you need to worry about all these accusations that you don't want to spend time with them blah blah.

God no, don't listen to Aunt Lydia crap like that.

The way to work out if the housework, childcare etc. is being divvied up fairly, is to tot up how much free time each of you have over the course of the same time period - a day, a week, a month, whatever works for you.

"Free time" is not sitting in the park with the kids, because that's childcare, you're on call. It's not taking off your make up while the kids are in the bath - you're on call. It's not commuting: you're on your way to or from work. It's any work you do, paid or in the home, that means you are not able to genuinely have leisure time.

If it's roughly even, you're dividing up the chores fairly. If one of you has a significantly longer period of genuine leisure time available to them, one of you is exploiting the other.

MirriVan · 18/03/2019 21:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bullyingadvice2017 · 18/03/2019 21:32

I used to have one of these. In 7 years of one child's regular swimming lessons he never went once. I remember staggering heavily pregnant and after an op to get there. He never came to a school thing or parents evening once. Opted out of everything and moaned like a grumpy teenager. Never got any time to myself as it wasn't worth the pandering he would expect.

Anyway, I left him. And now I have free time. And he is having to step up and be a actual dad. When the little ones started swimming recently Iv booked him on the day I know he has them. So here's to me never doing a swim run!! He goes to parents evening and has even learnt how to use the washing machine!

toomanycats99 · 18/03/2019 21:33

I had this - he would only ever put them to bed if I wasn't there. Otherwise he just said 'isn't it time for them to go to bed' he used to go to recovery meetings and would go at least an hour and a half before they starterd therefore getting out of all bedtime and tidying duties. All of the life admin sat on my plate.

I got so resentful.

honeylulu · 18/03/2019 21:34

I'm a bit Confused about the pps shaming the OP for "not wanting to be with" her children by daring to tally up (in response to her husband estimating a percentage!)
It's that sort of attitude which keeps women guilt tripped into doing everything while men do sweet FA.

Eliza9917 · 18/03/2019 21:34

That's so sad that bedtime tucking in and stories are seen as a chore. And something to fight over who gets to do it least.

Your poor kids Sad

Karenola156 · 18/03/2019 21:35

Please can someone pls help me am looking for hoilday for my kids in ether Paris or UK from 1st of august to 18th of august . I have contacted pgl.but they don't seems to have anyone that suit my time . Pls help .they are age 10 and 12

JustTwoMoreSecs · 18/03/2019 21:36

List all the household tasks and sit with him to divide them. Include everything you do and he doesn't see.
Then he can’t complain he does more.

WeWantJustice · 18/03/2019 21:39

*That's so sad that bedtime tucking in and stories are seen as a chore. And something to fight over who gets to do it least.

Your poor kids sad*

Oh fuck off. You don't get to choose which area of parenting other parents enjoy and which they don't.

What do you not enjoy doing that other people do with their kids? How unreasonable would it be to tell them "poor kids" with a sad face? You sound like a fucking netmum hun.

TeddyIsaHe · 18/03/2019 21:39

Why are your kids in childcare till 6 if your dh finishes earlier and can go to the gym at 5? That in itself would tip me over the edge.

kateandme · 18/03/2019 21:45

i know its not quite like this but it does seem so awful getting to this point of tallying up the kids stuff.and I know there is more to it regarding chores housework etc but they shouldn't be included in that.its not all hay days and happy clappy storytime but it should be more treasured than this.
its not having to get them ready,having to breakfast or bedtime with them.you do it cuz they are your kids.
sort all the other stuff out and maybe it wont seem it but try and enjoy the kids time and family time more for what it is not something to chore after daily

MirriVan · 18/03/2019 21:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WeWantJustice · 18/03/2019 21:58

Stop telling women that the domestic and childcare work we do, isn't work.

If we didn't do it, somebody would have to be paid to do it. Because it's essential, it's necessary, it's not bloody leisure, it is work

And yes, we do it because we love our kids, but if you argue that, then you're in danger of arguing that men who won't do their fair share, don't love their kids and then where would we be.

Just because we all love our kids, doesn't mean that every bit of time we ever spend with them needs to be treasured and appreciated and it should not be used as a way of excusing any parent's refusal to do their fair share of childcare and/ or domestic labour.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 18/03/2019 22:14

Tallying it up doesn't work though, which is probably why your DH thinks he is doing more than you. Because tasks aren't equal. Even if they are of the same time length their are certain tasks that people enjoy and find easier and some others hate and find much more of a burden.

Can't you have an open conversation and try and allocate tasks one at a time so you both do some tasks you like and some you find hard work?

Carriemac · 18/03/2019 22:21

He does the bins? Are you kidding me that’s 10 minutes a day max
And goes to the gym leaving the kids in childcare? Lazy fucker

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