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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not like our financial arrangement

33 replies

Cocoamamma · 18/03/2019 07:54

So... my partner had a paid off flat and then his mother did something crazy, and bought some land with a house on it. The house was a wreck and she paid only really for the land.
We decided we were having a child around the same time as this happened and he started thinking he should sell up and we should do up the house (and this is how it was presented to me)
Move forward and the house isn’t done. It’s in fact it’s a complete nightmare. What my partner has actually done is give ALL his money to his mother (who is awful with money but that’s another story) and we are going to ‘rent’ this house. He doesn’t seem to understand why I am not happy about this. He got me to agree to a decision without knowing what I was agreeing with. I’ve had no involvement in any of the building works. Him and his mother have done it and it’s gone wildly over budget and she’s now put more money in to (so has now even more say about things).
To make things even more complicated I bought a house which I now rent out to my father. The agreement was he would pay a very low rent and look afte the house which has now turned into he will live there until he dies. However this is ok as I kind of knew this would end up being the agreement. (There’s ways out of the situation that would mean I could buy for me and my son further down the line- that bit isn’t such a big deal)

I’m so stressed by it all.

My partner basically thinks we could not have afforded such a large house without the help but the house prices where we are we could’ve have afforded a nice house and garden on our own.
I do see that it seems a bit first world problems but I actually haven’t ever had my own home and lived in it. Ever. I think it’s hard for someone who had his own flat since his 20s to understand how important it was for me to have my own home.
I’m being made to effectively rent for the rest of my life. He’s now got to borrow money to finish this house which isn’t even in his name.

There’s so much more but it’s impossible to keep writing.

What do I do? He won’t take any equity out of the house so we can buy so now we have to live there indefinitely.
He thinks I will change me mind when I live in such a wonderful house but I will not.

I bought a place for

OP posts:
LovingLola · 18/03/2019 07:57

It all seems a bit mad
But why did you buy a house and more or less give it to your father ???

Stormyday · 18/03/2019 08:00

It does sound messy and I can’t believe you agreed to do up a house which belonged to his mother. Will you be living with his mother? Are you married?

Original poster
Cocoamamma · 18/03/2019 08:03

Well... I didn’t agree to do up a house that belongs to his mother. I wasn’t expecting him to give all his money to her. I fact I wasn’t expecting any of this. He was very sketchy on the details but it was good for us and for us a family.
But it’s not and I’m at breaking point

OP posts:
Hunter037 · 18/03/2019 08:03

But you do own your own property, you just don't live in it, is that right?

Where did your dad live before you bought him a house? Is there an option for you to live in your own house, with your dad or alone, at least while the building works are going on?

Original poster
Cocoamamma · 18/03/2019 08:06

The father and house thing isn’t such a big deal. buy to let and then I can buy somewhere else.

I want to leave but I am not because we have a child

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 18/03/2019 08:06

His financial decisions would have been a deal breaker for many people, including me.

Yours sound poor too.

Sounds like the relationship is secondary - for both of you - to other things. You don’t take big decisions together. Given that, living together, especially when you have a DS (assume DP is not DS’s father), doesn’t seem sensible.

If you want to live in a mortgaged rather than rented place, suggest asking your father to move out of the place you purchased, assuming you can legally do that.

Original poster
Cocoamamma · 18/03/2019 08:06

No, we live with my parents mother at the moment.

OP posts:
LovingLola · 18/03/2019 08:07

Also your do might be of the view that you spent money on a house for your father so what’s wrong with him spending his money on a house with his mother

ApolloandDaphne · 18/03/2019 08:07

Where do you live now? In the house being done up?

Original poster
Cocoamamma · 18/03/2019 08:07

Yes he is the father of my child!

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 18/03/2019 08:08

So you're renting a wreck from his mum.

Your Dad is in your own house.

It seems like you have left yourself completely vulnerable at every step of the way tbh. You have allowed these two men to dictate what has happened to you and I'm not sure why.

You can be kicked out of the mums house at any time. Your partner is unlikely to be, I'm presuming he has done an arrangement with his mother for part ownership. You on the other hand have absolutely no entitlement to a centimetre of it.

Meanwhile, can you even move into your own damn house???

Loopytiles · 18/03/2019 08:08

Missed your second post making clear that you have a DC together, although it doesn’t change my view.

Disagree that it’s “not a big deal” that your father lives in the house you got a mortgage for. How as a single parent would you afford to buy a second property?

LovingLola · 18/03/2019 08:09

No, we live with my parents mother at the moment.

Why ?? Is that your father’s mother or your mother’s mother?

Loopytiles · 18/03/2019 08:10

Your personal (and therefore DS’s) housing and financial situation sounds precarious. Suggest getting legal advice, and working FT if you don’t already do so.

Original poster
Cocoamamma · 18/03/2019 08:10

Yes this is complicated and a mess...

He decided to do up the house before I bought my house. I only bought the house because of his decision.

The father situation is definitely secondary to the main problem. I have ways out of the dad situation.

We live with his mother and as I’ve got to know her I don’t like her at all. It’s fairly mutual.

It is a dealbreaker this situation isn’t it. I should just get out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cocoamamma · 18/03/2019 08:11

Sorry, we live with my mil

OP posts:
crimsonlake · 18/03/2019 08:12

This is all quite mystifying, if you could afford a house at all and you could why not buy it for you to live in yourself? Sounds a financial mess, sorry that is of no help.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 18/03/2019 08:12

I wouldn't want to live in a house where I had no legal rights and no say. Does your dp even own any of this or has he literally just handed over his money? He isn't behaving like a partner to you, since you get no input and he does as he pleases.
I'd move out and rent somewhere with the rent money from my dad.
I assume your dad is keeping the house in good order and you have a legal agreement in place so he can't just move a new partner in and you effectively get yourself a squatter.
In all honesty, you need to get some legal protection for yourself in place.

Gazelda · 18/03/2019 08:13

The way I understand this, is that you've both done pretty similar things.
He's thrown money at a house he won't own and isn't one you would have chosen. You are committed to living there for the duration of your relationship.
You've bought a house and passed it on to your DF. Does the rent cover the mortgage? Does it provide a contingency if the roof needs repair or the boiler blows up etc?
Both of you have taken decisions that are detrimental to the partnership.

Original poster
Cocoamamma · 18/03/2019 08:13

We are from two different countries is that makes it easier to understand

OP posts:
PurpleWithRed · 18/03/2019 08:15

Yes it's a dealbreaker and you should just get out. From what I understand you don't have any equity in the wrecked house, but do have equity in the house your dad is living in, so you can just up and walk.

ApolloandDaphne · 18/03/2019 08:15

What age is your DF? Surely he can't expect to live in your house on a reduced rent forever? Would it be big enough for you and your DS to move in with him or would that be worse?

ApolloandDaphne · 18/03/2019 08:16

So the house with your DF in it is in a different country?

Loopytiles · 18/03/2019 08:16

Yes, you should get out.

Is the property you own even in the same country as you live in?

Dippypippy1980 · 18/03/2019 08:33

Okay so you and your partner have made some very odd financial decisions involving your parents.

He has given all his money to his mother and you have given lots of your money to your father. As far as I understand it he doesn’t own the house that he is sinking his money into, and you have no claim on it. Your father lives in the house you own.

Don’t put any of your money into his mo5ers house unless it is also in your name. If you want to salvage this relationship see a financial advisor.

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