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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think there are soooo many posters with useless partners?

27 replies

YeahNah1980 · 18/03/2019 05:00

Why do you stay with them?? Time and time again I hear, he doesn’t help around the house, pesters me for sex, is controlling, absuive, lazy, mean to the kids etc etc. why are they so useless and my biggest question, why on earth did you choose to marry them???

OP posts:

WooWooCocktail · 18/03/2019 05:11

This thread was done a few weeks ago. Not sure how to find it though

lboogy · 18/03/2019 05:16

Bit judgmental aren't you?!
People come and complain about the worst parts of their relationships. Doesn't mean there aren't other redeeming qualities. No one comes on her to sing the praises of their DH - at least not without getting flamed for bragging.

Foxmuffin · 18/03/2019 05:18

It’s just a snapshot in time when someone is feeling frustrated. It doesn’t necessarily represent their relationship the rest of the time.

chickensub · 18/03/2019 05:25

I think people usually post at the end of their tether. I'm not sure I believe it's just a snapshot, I think there genuinely are just a lot of shit men around.

I think women fall into the trap of being with a man they think is 'ok' or does more than 'most' men, and then things get worse when kids come along. This is why it's so important for women to keep their careers and insist on equal parenting from the start. The person with the money and the job holds all the power.
I bet there are a lot of women who would leave but have no where to go, no money to set themselves up, no ongoing income and no childcare support.

blackcat86 · 18/03/2019 05:26

Because things change. Me and DH were doing great until a difficult pregnancy, traumatic birth and near death of DD darkened us both. Add in issues with DSS, PND, his depression and family pressure and yeah things have all gone to shit. So why dont I kick him out? Well because DD loves him and so do I. Maybe overtime we can heal and things will improve, maybe they wont. Life has taken so much from us in the 18 months we've been married that I just cope with anything else right now. Also am I awful for saying that I just couldn't share custody? Maybe I'll have to come back to that, but right now, today, like fuck would I be handing DD over to fun time Disney dad simply because of genetics. So I stay and I cope, and I try to heal as best I can.

Original poster

YeahNah1980 · 18/03/2019 05:27

@Iboogy no I do t think I’m judgmental . It’s an observation.

OP posts:

burritofan · 18/03/2019 05:32

You honestly don't know why women stay with abusive, controlling partners? Or you think abusive, controlling men show their true colours prior to marriage and kids? Do you think it's easy to leave an abusive, controlling relationship – or even a crappy one?

Middlrm · 18/03/2019 05:34

If you are u happy you complain if your content you’re busy being happy and do t post about it ... no one will come on and ask for advice on how to communicate with their wonderful husband is or partner ...

Middlrm · 18/03/2019 05:36

Maybe we all should to lighten the mood a little ... I find reading the posts makes me realise how lucky I am though albeit gas relationships like it haha b the past and trust me abusive partners don’t start out that way it’s a slow process like frogs in boiling water

Original poster

YeahNah1980 · 18/03/2019 05:37

@burritofan really abusive partners yes I do understand. Husbands who are just lazy, mean, useless with the kids, selfish, then no I don’t understand why people can’t leave. My main question was actually why did they marry them? Choose to be with the at all?

OP posts:

Tempoaryname · 18/03/2019 05:49

I've posted under this name about my experience if you want to look. I stayed for 10yrs with a emotionally and sexually abusive man. When your in that situation getting out seems impossible. He made me believe I was mad, that the kids would be ruined if I wasnt with him. He also would push me to the edge and just before I snapped go back to being great again so I would question if I was wrong.

When I did finally try to leave he would tell the kids that mummy's making him leave so they would cry and start begging me not to and I would back down. It took me 2 years to finally get him to go. I was a shell of a person back then and wish I could go back and scream at myself but the way I felt back then I dont even think that would have made me leave.

I also think as others have said people often only talk about the bad bits of their relationships on here so we dont get the full picture.

burritofan · 18/03/2019 05:54

Why people don't leave useless (not abusing) men… Not everyone can afford to leave. Not everyone has a high-paying job, family support, wide network of friends, good mental and physical health, etc etc. It's easy on paper (well, on screen) to say LTB. Practicalities are harder. And most useless partners aren't useless all the time: plenty balance out the lack of housework/parenting/whatever with charm, occasional treats/dates/fun, or just enough random bouts of niceness to convince their partners that it's all going to change. Don't most of us hope to get through a rough patch and back to how things were/the best part of a relationship?

In terms of marrying someone useless, it's either: they weren't this bad when they got married, the crap behaviour only began afterwards/when kids arrived, or happened gradually. Or promises were made that "things will be different once we're married".

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 18/03/2019 05:59

I do think there is a societal problem in terms of what women are prepared to put up with - and in terms of how men are prepared to behave. Men growing up in a societal context that suggests they are entitled to behave pretty much however they want and women's role is to 'work on it' for them, and women societally valued via relationships with men and subjected to the narrative that their worth lies in making and maintaining relationships, especially with men.

GoldenHour · 18/03/2019 06:16

It never ceases to amaze me the crap some people put up with. It's a cycle though, I think when you're raised in a house like that sons go on to mimic the behaviours and daughters think that's what's normal and put up with it themselves.

kateandme · 18/03/2019 06:44

Tempoaryname I wouldn't be screaming at you back then.it must have been hell and you were fucking brave to live through it. and even more amazing that your free now.ingers crossed your ok now and healing and happy.xx

user1471462428 · 18/03/2019 07:12

I have a current thread as I’m preparing to get out. The honest answer to your question is everything used to be okay but his behaviour and attitude have massively changed. I’m looking for work that will suit being a parent and trying to sort the financial mess out he’s got me into. But mostly I’m just scared. Scared of him hurting me and the kids. Scared of being alone. Scared of him leaving and not bothering to see the kids anymore. Scared that they will never forgive me for kicking him out. Scared of being penniless.

JustTwoMoreSecs · 18/03/2019 07:31

Yes!
I just don’t get why women get married and/or have children with men who don’t do their fair share of housework for example.
To clarify, fair share leans half. Including the mental load.

Original poster

YeahNah1980 · 18/03/2019 08:27

@justtwomoresecs 100% yes!

OP posts:

Hollowvictory · 18/03/2019 08:29

Yanbu.
Lots of cases where despite this, they went ahead and had kids or got married. There are billions of men in the world why pick a dud?

CharlyAngelic · 18/03/2019 08:31

I am only going to accept answers that agree with me .

SnakeRattleRoll · 18/03/2019 08:46

And guess what, if there was a Dadsnet (is there?!) then there would be similar posts about the women that moan about the men! Because I am 99.999% sure that the sun does not shine out of these posters either!

PengAly · 18/03/2019 08:57

I personally do tend to at a lot of threads as I suspect some of them are very exaggerated by the OP, this is the internet afterall. There is also the element that people will only post when they have problems therefore you never hear the good stuff

Girlicorne · 18/03/2019 09:03

I m in a bit of a shit relationship, he's very lazy, drinks far too much and relies on me to bring in the money we need to pay the bills. I don't leave or ask him to leave because I m not sharing custody as someone else said up thread. He wants to sit around getting pissed and watching football all weekend while I want to be out having fun with the kids. Not a chance I m handing them over to him every weekend to sit indoors on their screens.

BitchQueen90 · 18/03/2019 09:07

I feel the same sometimes OP but I'm a single parent and I have been for 5 years and I'd rather be single for my entire life than tolerate any crap from a man.

I left my exh when I had no job, claimed benefits until I got back on my feet. He's not a bad man either, I was just unhappy in the marriage and I'd rather be skint and alone than unhappy with the person who is supposed to be my life partner.

Abusive behaviour is hard to escape from but just general uselessness I can't grasp why people tolerate.

Sunonthepatio · 18/03/2019 10:38

@Girlicorne , but aren't you worried that you will normalise this behaviour? So that your sins become like him and your daughters look for men like him. Because that's the alternative.

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