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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

All our friends are breaking up!

36 replies

HennyPennyHorror · 17/03/2019 20:10

AIBU to wonder why? Ok...not ALL of them but we're in a tight-knit group of four couples. We're all in our mid to late 40s/early 50s and have been friends since our 20s.

One of our set broke up mid last year when he just upped and walked out on her and their teenage DC and now, my absolute best friends of the whole group are looking at divorce.

None of the relationships were perfect but they were lovely when it was right...the second break-up hasn't fully happened yet but is pretty much going to.

DH went round there yesterday to give a gift to the husband and he said it felt so sad there. I am cut up about the changing face of my group and so sad.

Also...what is it about this age? Or is breaking up "catching"?

OP posts:
Original poster
HennyPennyHorror · 17/03/2019 20:24

I feel sad that our old ways will change...that's probably selfish of me, thinking like that. Their lives will take much more of a hit than mine...but our nights in together and occasional trips away as couples...all gone. Nothing can be the same again and I valued things so much as they were.

OP posts:
Livelovebehappy · 17/03/2019 20:33

Pretty common these days I think for that age group to part ways. Guess it’s because you suddenly start to panic that you’re approaching middle age and have the need to be happy/explore different life experiences before it’s too late, especially if you’re dissatisfied with your current life. Grass of course isn’t always greener, but that doesn’t stop people seeing if it is!

LostInShoebiz · 17/03/2019 20:35

Is it catching? Depends how it works out: new lease if life, freedom, happiness - very catching. Suddenly much poorer, ostracised by family, living in a bed sit - not so catching.

Original poster
HennyPennyHorror · 17/03/2019 20:37

Happy I'm definitely not unhappy in my own life...DH and I have a lot of plans together and individually. I think the thing both couples had in common was a lot of debt. We don't have any so haven't had that stress...the reason we have none is not because we're rich but just never taken credit cards out or "bought" cars we couldn't afford.

However, both couples were doing well financially...all professional people....debts yes but also lovely children and good social lives...nice houses....everything, you'd think.

OP posts:
Original poster
HennyPennyHorror · 17/03/2019 20:39

Lost the female part of the first couple to breakup isn't doing well at all really but she's separated herself from us...we don't see her ex either because he left her for another woman...and we rejected him as it was so heartless.

We all tried to keep the woman in our fold...but she was so heartbroken it seemed that she couldn't bear to be near us even just the women together...we've tried to maintain contact with her individually but it's not being reciprocated and she's isolated in a rental.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 17/03/2019 20:40

What's the reason given for the break up? Is there anything you can do as friends? (Not lending money, I don't mean that.) I wonder whether your husband could talk to the guy and you talk to the woman and see if their relationship is fixable.

Weebitawks · 17/03/2019 20:44

I'm in a different age group (early 30's) and it seems like a lot of the people who met around the same time as DH and myself are in the process of ending things. It's like they get to 10/11 years and start questioning things, which makes sense. None of the couple's involved have children and I've put it down to them thinking "I'm not happy and I don't have to stay and it's better to do it now while I'm relatively young then stay and always wonder what life could of been like"

It's very sad but for they have to make the right decision for themselves.

Original poster
HennyPennyHorror · 17/03/2019 20:46

Hollow it's down to his past infidelity (15 years ago) which has basically eaten away at them all this time.

We've both tried talking to the other...and nothing changed. He's also not always nice to her...he drinks too much and is rude. DH has spoken very frankly to him about his drinking but he's basically a functioning alcoholic so my poor friend has no chance does she? She's waited all these years and he's not changed.

He's very upset she wants to leave. But "upset" doesn't translate to changing...so it's his loss really.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 17/03/2019 20:50

I don't blame her for wanting to be away from him. I imagine he's much worse to her when you're not there, too. I would do my best to support her and when she's ready, try to introduce her to someone much nicer.

TheBigFatMermaid · 17/03/2019 20:51

It's sad, but I think you need to focus on your own relationship, not those of your peers. Hopefully, that will keep you on the straight and narrow. If not, then maybe you weren't in it for the long haul anyway.

I have been married twice and lived with DP for the sum total of the length of time of my marriages, I really do believe other people influenced the out of my my 10 year, 2nd marriage. If he had not paid attention to what others were doing, we may still be together now,

Livelovebehappy · 17/03/2019 20:52

In theory henny when you’re late 40’s early 50’s, you would think life should be the best it’s ever been; children now grown up allowing you to have more ‘couple’ time, mortgage free usually too, so better off financially. It’s sad therefore that couples stick together through the difficult bits of raising children and paying a mortgage but then when life gets easier they split. Maybe it’s just that you don’t have time to stop and think how unhappy you are with each other until your children fly the nest and then you only have each other to focus on?

Iflyaway · 17/03/2019 20:54

We're all in our mid to late 40s/early 50s and have been friends since our 20s.

Well, OP, that's a lot of years and people change.

I know it's a shock when you have a tight-knit friendship group....

But why stay in a relationship that doesn't make you happy?

Life is too short!

NoooorthonerMum · 17/03/2019 20:54

I once mentioned to a friend about twenty years older than me that all my friends were suddenly getting married. He said all of his were suddenly getting divorced. I think it's just the age. It's sad for them and sad for you too as the dynamics change.

Cuddlysnowleopard · 17/03/2019 20:55

I think it's an age thing. Lots of my friends are either in marriage counseling, or are starting to make noises about not seeing how they can retire together. They have done the struggling bit, with young children, in their 30's, and they seem to get to late 40's and realise that they're stuck.

Bit different for DH and me, as he has a mid life crisis pretty much every 6 months, so I'm used to it!

Snog · 17/03/2019 20:58

My 4 closest friends all divorced in their mid to late 40s. Their husbands were all idiots who I don't miss from my life, they are all well rid. I'm still with dp after 21 years but we are not married.

I think 42% of marriages end in divorce and on average after 11 or 12 years of marriage. Divorce isn't always a bad thing, it's often the start of a good thing. Sounds like you are processing loss at the moment though OP.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 17/03/2019 21:01

You’re contradicting yourself a bit here. One moment it’s a case of ‘None of the relationships were perfect but they were lovely when it was right...’ - the next he’s a borderline alcoholic who’s cheated. I’m not seeing the lovely bit to be honest.

I also think we never really know about other people’s relationships; even our closest friends. I’m close friends with a couple who I’ve seen have terrible rows and come close to splitting, but lately they seem really happy. If you’d only met them this week you wouldn’t believe they could have any problems, but if you’d spent a week with them this time last year you’d wonder what they were together for.

Original poster
HennyPennyHorror · 17/03/2019 21:01

LiveLove apart from the first couple to splt, we all had kids late...so our children are all still quite young. So the hard years of raising them aren't over yet.

I am fully supporting my friend with the alcoholic husband. It's tricky though as last year she wanted to leave but didn't...and I was very wary of saying anything against him...because as I suspected she didn't leave...so had I been negative about him it would have been awkward.

OP posts:
Original poster
HennyPennyHorror · 17/03/2019 21:03

Coughing I know...it's because it's been so confusing. He's a lovely man in many ways and the extent of his problematic drinking didn't come to light till' last year when she first said she wanted to leave him.

I think it was a shock because I'd not seen his behaviour. Since then though, I've noticed more of it...my eyes have been opened but I still remember the "good times" when he wasn't a wanker.

Yes he was unfaithful but it was 15 years ago and it seemed she'd moved past it...turns out she hadn't and it's eaten her up all this time.

OP posts:
YogaWannabe · 17/03/2019 21:03

The majority of my late twenties/early thirties friends are getting married and my mid to late 40s friends are getting divorced.

It’s just the way it goes I suppose

Longdistance · 17/03/2019 21:07

We’ve had this with our families. We’re yhe last ones married and together in dhs side, which is shocking. Lots of his friends aren’t together either. One of our friends are on the verge of splitting, but hanging in there.

NannyRed · 17/03/2019 21:08

It happens.

Two out of three of your friends have split, seems pretty average. Check out marriage statistics, it’s about 50/50 these days, you and the remaining couple make up the winners

As for he just upped and walked that’s only the version she is telling, nobody walks away from a happy relationship.

I’m in a second marriage, it’s eleventy billion times better than my first marriage. My husband is in a second marriage, his first wife died. Break ups are no longer the big news they used to be because (for the most) women don’t have to put up with being married to a misogynist or a bully or a cheat or a skinflint. Because women can live without the beating and the cheating.

Original poster
HennyPennyHorror · 17/03/2019 21:10

Nanny he really did up and walk. He was a bastard of the first degree but none of us realised. He'd made her take out a big loan and credit cards to save his business, shot her credit to shit...then he's made sure he had nothing so the house had to be sold (remortgaged so no money in it) and then he's left for this other woman...

He started a new business, moved into her house which she owns...and now my friend has nothing at all. Just a rented house and two teenagers. One of her teens has panic attacks and anxiety since her Dad left.

OP posts:
RebeccaWrongDaily · 17/03/2019 21:12

don't 1 in 2 marriages end in divorce? We have had one set of break ups when the kids were say 7 years old, and then another when they were early teens.

Many of the 'early teen' break ups were, and i hate to say it, when the husbands had risen the ranks in work and their wives had sacrificed their own careers to support, they went off with some twinkie.

I don't think we've seen the last of it all by the way,not by a long shot.

StealthPolarBear · 17/03/2019 21:18

I think this stuff does seem to go through phases

Laiste · 17/03/2019 21:20

DH is the youngest of four. All in their 40s. Only one of the four has a life unaffected by divorce.

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