Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To feel oddly conflicted about private school

43 replies

bertiesgal · 17/03/2019 18:57

DD is at the local primary school. She is thriving and happy.

On the one occasion I had concerns about her not making progress I made an appointment with the school.

I felt listened to and the school acted on my concerns. DD is part of a lovely community and we couldn't be happier.

She is very able and so is her best friend. They have lots in common and are the only 2 girls in the top group

I have just found out that DD's best friend will be moving to the local private school.

I am weirdly emotional about it.
If I'm honest with myself

A) I guess as her parents seem lovely and like minded, their choice to send their kid to the local school has kind of validated my choice (pathetic I know, I'm a grown woman!)
B) Until now I have naively assumed that we could all push for positive change together and make life better for everyone
C) DD is bloody devastated
E) I was very lonely in high school and although still at primary school I was delighted that DD had a kindred spirit who would hopefully be with her throughout her school life
F) We have never budgeted for private school and even though it's probably not necessary (my siblings and I all got straight As at local comp) I still feel like I've failed DD in some way. I feel irresponsible as if I should have saved thousands before even considering children.

G) In our neighbourhood alone 3 lovely kids are being shipped out of town to the private schools. I feel that the loss of these well brought up kids who have motivated parents is to the detriment of the local school.

All of these feelings have taken me by surprise. I've had a stressful few weeks at work with very little sleep so I'm feeling a bit irrational about it.

I'm sad for DD and the local school.

Aware in the grand scheme of things people are dealing with real disasters and nothing this minor so apologies for the self indulgence.

Anyone out there felt something similar or want to give me a shake? I'd appreciate it!

OP posts:

AriadnePersephoneCloud · 17/03/2019 19:27

You're entitled to feel down about it but it doesn't sound like you need to worry about your child's schooling so don't castigate yourself for not saving before children... My second daughter was split into a different class to her BFF a year or two ago and both myself and Bffs mum were upset, but the girls made new friends quickly and things moved on... On the other hand my son insisted on going to the same school as his friends now has completely different friends and never bothers with the old ones. Friendships do change. I have one friend from nursery school and we weren't friends rheoguh seniors and only reconnected as adults. Anyway the short less rambling version is that you will probably feel this more than your child who will move on and make new friends!

NCforthis2019 · 17/03/2019 19:28

Why do you think you feel ‘surprised’ by this? Are you afraid that they will be getting a better education/become better than your daughter because of the facilities th private school have to offer?

I’m not sure I understand why you’re so upset, they will all move on to different schools after a few years and new friends will be made (I was a very lonely person in school so I know what you mean). What’s really bugging you?

NorthernBirdAtHeart · 17/03/2019 19:37

‘shake’

Dapplegrey · 17/03/2019 19:46

A) I guess as her parents seem lovely and like minded, their choice to send their kid to the local school has kind of validated my choice (pathetic I know, I'm a grown woman!)

Op I don’t understand this sentence. I thought you said they aren’t sending their dd to the local school? Validated your choice of what?

ADHMeeee · 17/03/2019 19:48

I was lonely at school for different reasons to being too clever than all the others. I was very smart but wasn't the smartest kid.

I reckon I would have been eaten alive at a private school. I was pretty much chewed and spat out at regular school.

Your daughter will be fine. And she will most likely make new friends. My eldest started secondary in September, not knowing a single person there, or in the area at all. And she has managed to make friends. She has SEN too. Kids usually get by.

SplashingAroundTown · 17/03/2019 19:49

dapple validated the choice up to now. So the OP felt ok about her choice of a state school because other parents like her had made the same choice

SplashingAroundTown · 17/03/2019 19:50

I totally get where you’re coming from. Comparison is the thief of joy and all that, but it’s natural to compare our decisions as parents and to want the best for our children. I hear you.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 17/03/2019 19:51

What was point D?

Original poster

bertiesgal · 17/03/2019 19:52

Dapple, they're taking her out of the local school.

Until now I've subconsciously derived validation from the fact that 2 good parents have made a similar choice to us.

I'm aware of how ridiculous that sounds. I think that's what I'm finding surprising.

I'm normally quite confident in my choices and this has shaken me.

Anyway, I can see how self indulgent this seems when there's so much awfulness in the world.

Mumsnet is great for perspective.

OP posts:

LittleBearPad · 17/03/2019 19:54

I understand where you’re coming from. I second guess myself on this fairly regularly. But if she’s happy and making progress then I think that’s most important for Primary. But I do understand.

NCforthis2019 · 17/03/2019 19:56

So now the good parents have taken their kids out and placed them in private it makes you think they are ‘less good’? Sorry I’m confused. I don’t actually see an issue here.

Motherofcreek · 17/03/2019 19:56

Comparison is the thief of joy.

Focus on you are yours.

HairyToity · 17/03/2019 19:59

I left a primary school I was very happy at, to go to a private school I hated. I was bullied at the private school. My cousin moved his daughter to a private school, and she hated it too. She is now at the local state secondary and much happier.

The grass is not always greener.

Hollowvictory · 17/03/2019 19:59

Yanbu. You're very honest. Focus on encouragement of other friendships I always try to make sure mine don't have 1 'best friend' but a wider circle so if bf moves, goes to a different school they've a robust circle of other friends.

anniehm · 17/03/2019 20:01

It happens, the reality is towards the end of primary (especially at the end of year 5) parents move their kids to private, it was always the plan for them. It's often partly so their kids mix with the "right" kids aka wealthy ones. At my kids first school (we moved before they reached that age) year six only was half a class because the haemorrhaged so many children, it was a good primary and the kids mostly walked whereas the private schools were 5 miles plus away, you can see why people do it.

ChocChocButtons · 17/03/2019 20:04

Private school is amazing, good for her choosing the best education for her child.

otterturk · 17/03/2019 20:06

The other girl's parents are doing their best for their child. Get / grip on your leftie signalling.

DustOffYourHighestHopes · 17/03/2019 20:11

I understand completely how you are feeling.

No need to think about ‘what ifs’. Concentrate on the here and now. You can’t afford private school. You haven’t saved. So discount it. Stop thinking about it. Don’t stress about it. Your local secondary - seems okay, right? See how your daughter enjoys it. You never know who she might meet. Encourage her to work hard, make her aim high even if she doesn’t have much competition.

So many of my (cleverer) friends left my school at a certain stage for a much better school. But a new girl arrived and we became best of friends very soon. We’re friends now, decades later.

I’d say you could consider a scholarship but you do have to think about the impact on your daughter if she fails to get one, which is non negligible at this age.

DustOffYourHighestHopes · 17/03/2019 20:12

What i’m saying is, think about the cons of a state secondary and take steps to mitigate them. That’s all you can really do at this stage.

No one has a crystal ball who can say how your daughter’s education will pan out.

Original poster

bertiesgal · 17/03/2019 20:16

So many lovely sensible messages then the last two just...😂.

I think I'm just being a bit too emotional about it all.

DD is fine and has other friends. She'll miss her friend to begin with but life is all about managing little challenges like this.

I hope that she'll continue to thrive and I'll just have to grow up a bit.

Deep down it feels like a rejection of our choices and by extension our DD. They are quite rightly doing what is best for their DD. Our choices and our DD have nothing to do with that. My head knows that, just waiting for the old heart to catch up.

To everyone who has been kind or offered sensible advice, thank you.

To those who have been unkind, that's just part of life too isn't it?

OP posts:

Highlandcathedral · 17/03/2019 20:18

We had a similar experience with our son when he was about 10, his best friend went off to private school and he was really upset. We didn’t want to privately educate our children, and couldn’t have afforded it had we wanted to. DS quickly made new friends, and both our children did very well at the local state comp, which was in special measures as they left. Both have excellent degrees and good jobs, as does private school boy, but don’t feel that your child is deprived by not going. We have friends who have children who have been badly bullied in private, or struggled with the pressure, just as some kids in state school have had issues. The grass is not always greener...

Original poster

bertiesgal · 17/03/2019 20:18

Sorry, I posted so late that the last 2 msgs that appear above my msg were not the ones I was referring to!

OP posts:

QuietlyQuaffing · 17/03/2019 20:20

I think I know where you're coming from. I think there is an element of taking it personally when a friend takes their child out of your school - it feels like they are saying it's not "good enough" for their child, when you think it's good enough for yours.

I found myself reacting with a sort of defensive knee-jerk, even though we were confident in our own choices. I wouldn't over-analyse it, it's ok to feel sad but I don't think it should make you doubt your own decisions. You've obviously thought about your DD's schooling a lot, and that in itself is a good predictor that she will do well.

RollerJed · 17/03/2019 20:20

I think you are being very honest, and I get it. Now you feel like 'your people' have moved on without you.

Dd1 is now going to a private school and loving it, but private school here in Aus isn't the $$ it usually is in the UK.

She went to an inner London school for 4 years and one year had 6 teachers...

evaperonspoodle · 17/03/2019 20:27

Until now I've subconsciously derived validation from the fact that 2 good parents have made a similar choice to us.

Sorry OP this sounds most strange. You sent your child to alocal primary school (which sounds great from what you have said), not made a decision to send her to diffuse land mines alongside 2 other children with equally good parents

I get that you are upset for her losing her friend, but I think you are massively overthinking the whole validation of your parenting train of thought. You have mentioned several times about children that you perceive to have 'good' parents as somehow being a catalyst for change in the school, again that sounds a mixture of navel gazing, naive and arrogant.

Your DD is happy in school, thriving, part of a community. There is really no need to feel bad about her staying where she is.

Flip

1 2