To feel oddly conflicted about private school

[bertiesgal]

DD is at the local primary school. She is thriving and happy.

On the one occasion I had concerns about her not making progress I made an appointment with the school.

I felt listened to and the school acted on my concerns. DD is part of a lovely community and we couldn't be happier.

She is very able and so is her best friend. They have lots in common and are the only 2 girls in the top group

I have just found out that DD's best friend will be moving to the local private school.

I am weirdly emotional about it.
If I'm honest with myself

A) I guess as her parents seem lovely and like minded, their choice to send their kid to the local school has kind of validated my choice (pathetic I know, I'm a grown woman!)
B) Until now I have naively assumed that we could all push for positive change together and make life better for everyone
C) DD is bloody devastated
E) I was very lonely in high school and although still at primary school I was delighted that DD had a kindred spirit who would hopefully be with her throughout her school life
F) We have never budgeted for private school and even though it's probably not necessary (my siblings and I all got straight As at local comp) I still feel like I've failed DD in some way. I feel irresponsible as if I should have saved thousands before even considering children.

G) In our neighbourhood alone 3 lovely kids are being shipped out of town to the private schools. I feel that the loss of these well brought up kids who have motivated parents is to the detriment of the local school.

All of these feelings have taken me by surprise. I've had a stressful few weeks at work with very little sleep so I'm feeling a bit irrational about it.

I'm sad for DD and the local school.

Aware in the grand scheme of things people are dealing with real disasters and nothing this minor so apologies for the self indulgence.

Anyone out there felt something similar or want to give me a shake? I'd appreciate it!

Op you can always do more reading etc with your child and extra curricular stuff.

We do this as we also are not in the position of being able to afford private right now.
She's reading well above and also with writing and spelling as the reading assists that.

We may be able to when she's in secondary. She's primary right now.

You might have more of an idea then of what direction she will take in life so can pick more schools suited to her at that time.

Private school is amazing, good for her choosing the best education for her child

Not all of are by any means. Some are absolutely dreadful. You dont even need to be a qualified teacher to work in one either.
Bright students will generally do wherever they go. My state educated DD significantly outperform all of her friends at GCSE and A-level and her school wasn't all that.

I thinks it is natural to worry and get a bit anxious.about things like this. Your DD will be fine

Eva I have no intention of taking DD out of the school.

I am fully aware of how ridiculous my reaction to this has been and I'm trying to make sense of it.

I think that as their decision has come as a surprise I'm dealing with DD's disappointment and my own confusion as to why they'd make such a drastic change (while appreciating it is their choice/ business).

I'll concede on the navel gazing but I'm not so keen on being called arrogant .

Also, the weird guilt I feel about not having money for private school.

I have never planned to send my children to private school. I've also (rather naively) wanted to effect change in the local school if and when required.

The guilt is new and not nice and completely unexpected!

Who even am I? 😂

Try to think if it as they feel a different setting will suit their DD better, not that tge state school is not good enough. Therefore, by extension you have chosen well as it is, currently, the right setting for your child (given she's progressing well), don't assume private is better

But , YNAB, I am so against private school (I went state & did well despite a partial scholarship to a private which I turned down), my parents have offered to pay for DS to go private and I am conflicted (but he's only 10mo so I don't need to decide yet )

I can understand your reaction op. It’s natural. If your dd is happy and thriving focus on her learning and not what other families are doing.
I have experience of both state and private and private is not always better. It really all depends on the child and school.

I'll concede on the navel gazing but I'm not so keen on being called arrogant

I genuinely didn't mean that in a nasty way; but I do think that you seem to think that your daughter and 3 others who 'have been well brought up' are somehow above the others. You are claiming they will be a loss to the school, in what way? I have many years experience in primary school and a pupil moving on is never a loss; they might be missed if they were pleasant but the school goes on regardless.

I must add that I think YANBU to have this reaction to your dd's friend moving.

I had similar op - my very good friend chose private over the outstanding local state primary. I felt all the same feelings as you.

I try not to compare too much and made an effort to still keep the kids friends. Think of all that money you are saving! In my case though my friend literally had the money to waste - it didn’t impact their lifestyle at all and that was quite gutting.

I totally get how you feel op but hold firm and have confidence in yourself and your child. The private school thing can be very unsettling the fact that option is there can sometimes make you feel abit shit when others whose opinion you respect are prepared to pay thousands to avoid a school you are quite happy with.

Eva, I think you might have misunderstood me.

I absolutely do not think that well brought up children are above the others. Not at all.

However, I do think that children from stable backgrounds have an easier chance at success than children struggling in chaos. The local private school attributes it's good grades to its excellence when I feel quite strongly that most of the kids attending would do well anywhere.

The local state school's grades suffer as a result of the social engineering.

This is why I'm surprised that I'm feeling guilty about not having private school as an option. Deep down I feel that DD will do well in most environments and I will be watching very closely for signs that she isn't.

I have worked in deprived areas for most of my career and I am acutely aware of the impact of deprivation on every aspect of our society.

I can't believe I've given such a bad impression of myself! The

I get the reaction though

It's guilt about something you don't have to feel guilty about.

We live in the northwest. I earn well above the average here. I'm great with that. No plans to ever move anywhere else. I didn't go to private. Or college. Or uni. I did however join the forces. I've worked my way up to where I am and I'm happy with where I am. Good life/work balance.

My partner didn't go private or uni either. He's a director. He's amazingly driven, clever, successful.

If she wants to succeed, she will.

As her parents, you will instill that in her.

Bertie and Splashing - thank you for explaining. All is now clear.

I am so against private school (I went state & did well despite a partial scholarship to a private which I turned down), my parents have offered to pay for DS to go private and I am conflicted

Cazinge if you’re so against private school how can you be conflicted now your parents have offered to pay? Why would you want to use a system that you so disapprove of?

Private school is amazing, good for her choosing the best education for her child

Wrong
My dd public school offers much more than her cousins private school, the kids seem happier in dd public school, teachers constantly up for awards, yet nothing like that from her cousins school
Just the other day her cousin was saying how much he didn't like the school due to all the time wasted on religion, they snobby and all about image.

Like it or not, some private schools are run purely to be a church feeder and breeder

Count your blessings.
Dd is in a good school
She is able and will probably be a grade a student regardless
She will make other friends
She will learn some resilience
Kids can move at any time especially at primary age

If it's the quality of education you're worried about, I don't think you need to. I'm a private school teacher and don't think a private prep necessarily offers a better academic education to a high ability child than a good primary school. It's broader (Latin, French from age 6) and the class sizes are small but that's of most benefit to average and academically weak children. An academic child will do equally well in both environments. A less able child needs the private school advantages much more.

Where private preps usually win out over primaries is in the extra curricular activities, added opportunities, facilities/resources and specialist teaching from young that they offer. Not the actual academic classroom education which is what most parents want from a school when it boils down to it, I imagine. Teachers are no better in private than in state. We've trained in the same places and most of us have worked in both sectors.

I don't think the same is true of secondary schools and top public senior schools. But I would not make sacrifices to pay for prep school unless I had a child who was academically average or below.

Thanks everyone.

Small town so one high school that the vast majority move on to.

I'm feeling better about it all.

I think the guilt part is down to us being in a situation where we have to say no for financial reasons. I'm always saying no to things because they're unhealthy/ I don't want to spoil my kids/ not affordable but this feels more significant than another bloody crunch corner or a trip to Euro Disney.

On this occasion, no matter how much DD wants it/ even if she is utterly miserable we're unable to do it.

I've also tried to explain to her why we've chosen the local school and why private school isn't an option. I've kept away from the politics of it and just talked about longer journeys/ the lovely community she's already part of.

DD so far being brilliant about it. Loves her current school, has other friends and can't really see why anyone would want to change school at this stage.

I'm taking the lead from my sensible DD and moving on.

If anyone watches Derry Girls, DH says I'm worse than Mary and her obsession with the big bowl 😂.