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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband is having an affair?

35 replies

scaredoflabour · 17/03/2019 12:33

My 'd'h gave up drink at Christmas. He was heavily reliant on it and it was causing huge fights. Since then, he has shown no interest in me what so ever. Not even a hug unless I initiate it.

Yesterday I found a piece of paper on our bedroom floor with a girls name on it. Nothing else, just the a name ( not in mine nor his handwriting).

I asked him and he joked about it and said I was being rediculous.

Today I found a bottle of unopened perfume in the car. I asked him who it wad for and he got cross saying 'for you, I was going to give it to you for Christmas'
(He did give me perfume at Christmas but a different bottle)

What would you think?

OP posts:
PinkiOcelot · 17/03/2019 12:40

Did he mean Christmas gone or coming? If Christmas gone, why didn’t he give you it then?!

Have there been any other instances? Secretive with his phone? Passwords? Going out more?

I think if I were you, my spidy senses would be tingling right now. I think think I’d take a watchful approach whilst getting my ducks in row.

Original poster
scaredoflabour · 17/03/2019 12:46

He once told a friend of mine that 'he liked her' He said he meant as a friend but she was adamant it felt like more.
Sad

OP posts:
GiveMeFiveMinutes · 17/03/2019 12:49

Does he have Facebook / Instagram / Twitter? If so, have a look on there for a woman with the same name, then you can figure out if it's a work colleague, someone he knows from a hobby etc.

Original poster
scaredoflabour · 17/03/2019 12:50

No. Not online at all.

OP posts:
justasking111 · 17/03/2019 12:51

When did you last have sex? sorry to be so blunt.

ReggieWoo · 17/03/2019 12:51

The perfume is weird.

Original poster
scaredoflabour · 17/03/2019 12:52

Before Christmas

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 17/03/2019 12:55

I can’t imagine why anyone would have a woman’s name written on a piece of paper. It’s not like he wouldn’t know her name if he was having an affair. It is weird though.

The perfume definitely sounds iffy. If he meant to give it you for Christmas and it’s now March that doesn’t add up.

Does he guard his phone?

cantbebotheredtoday · 17/03/2019 12:57

Could he explain the woman's name on the paper or did he just say you were nuts?

Is he saying he forgot to give you the perfume for Christmas passed or that he was going to give it to you for Christmas this year?

Have there been any other signs? Is it likely he would have time for an affair?

Hubblebubbletripletrouble · 17/03/2019 12:58

Have you talked about why there’s so intimacy?

Hubblebubbletripletrouble · 17/03/2019 12:58

*no

squee123 · 17/03/2019 12:58

odd to have a woman's name written down if they were having an affair. Unless it was a recommendation for someone whose services he should use?!
Does he have much in the way of unaccounted for time or money?

Original poster
scaredoflabour · 17/03/2019 13:00

Doesn't really guard his phone.
Said he had no idea what the bit of paper was about.

OP posts:
cantbebotheredtoday · 17/03/2019 13:01

In that case I think you just need to keep an eye out.

Original poster
scaredoflabour · 17/03/2019 13:03

His office is a couple of hours commute away. He some times stops away overnight for work.
We have a shared account so no money vanishing.

OP posts:
GiveMeFiveMinutes · 17/03/2019 13:07

If the spelling of the name was unusual, I might think it had been written down for him by someone who had told him to add them on social media. If he doesn't have social media, it's strange that he has a piece of paper with a woman's name written on it.

BejamNostalgia · 17/03/2019 13:11

If he had an alcohol problem and is only 2.5 months into being sober then that would explain the personality differences.

Could he be going to AA secretly? That could explain the name written on a piece of paper.

The other thing, did you smell the perfume? Was it actually perfume or was it alcohol hidden in a perfume bottle? Some alcoholics do actually drink perfume itself if they’re desperate.

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 17/03/2019 13:11

No social media? I’d say that was unusual. Most people have something even if they only use it once in a blue moon.

Is he going to AA or some other programme? Could have met someone there.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 17/03/2019 13:11

What did he say when you asked him what the bit of paper was?

Original poster
scaredoflabour · 17/03/2019 13:14

Not AA. I tried to suggest that and he refused saying he can do it alone.
It's definitely perfume as the box still has the plastic wrapper on it.

He's never been interested in spcial media.

OP posts:
BejamNostalgia · 17/03/2019 13:15

If he is in AA being in with someone doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re having an affair, people in AA are always banging on at each other on the phone.

Pinkbells · 17/03/2019 13:15

What did he actually say about the piece of paper? I would be inclined to laugh with him too and say 'yes, ridiculous. So what is it?' He needs to give a credible explanation, which there will be if there is one, ifswim

BejamNostalgia · 17/03/2019 13:15

He could have forgotten where he’d put it and got something else?

burgundyjumper · 17/03/2019 13:28

Saying you are being ridiculous is what's got my spidey senses going on this one. Why would he even say that? If it is totally innocent why not just tell you who it is and why he had the name written down?

yorkshirecountrylass · 17/03/2019 13:30

Could it be possible this is someone who's also been through alcoholism and is helping him along? Not necessarily AA but in some kind of mentorship role? If he feels uncomfortable about admitting help that may be an explanation?