To think my husband is having an affair?

[scaredoflabour]

My 'd'h gave up drink at Christmas. He was heavily reliant on it and it was causing huge fights. Since then, he has shown no interest in me what so ever. Not even a hug unless I initiate it.

Yesterday I found a piece of paper on our bedroom floor with a girls name on it. Nothing else, just the a name ( not in mine nor his handwriting).

I asked him and he joked about it and said I was being rediculous.

Today I found a bottle of unopened perfume in the car. I asked him who it wad for and he got cross saying 'for you, I was going to give it to you for Christmas'
(He did give me perfume at Christmas but a different bottle)

What would you think?

I can’t imagine why anyone would have a woman’s name written on a piece of paper.

Secret Santa draw? Might have been tucked somewhere in his wallet since December and fallen out recently. But he would say that surely?

Although why he has perfume for Xmas in March is anyone's guess? Did he buy it and misplace/bought another bottle?

You have a problem alright, no sex since before xmas unless you have been off the boil. The name could be a sponsor. It is a puzzle.

Could he be a Russian spy? It would explain the perfume bottle. The piece of paper might be code?

My dad is in NA and he asked a woman to sponsor him and was told no it had to be the same gender as him so now has a male sponsor. So I doubt it's that.

Was the name written down "Emma"

He should go to aa.you can get support from alanon.
He may just be struggling, depresssed. Lots of people drink to mask emotional problems.
He could be angry and withholding? I would flag it up and talk about it again in a week or two. Keep your eyes and ears open. Couple counselling?

The trouble is that whatever the paper or perfume mean, the focus is still on him even if he's not drinking now.

If he's doing this without support he may not be tackling underlying reasons. He may feel ‘flat‘ emotionally, for some time, as there‘s an intensity missing from the old strategies and outlets (alcohol, rowing).

Could you get some support OP? There is support for partners and families - not just AA either, which tends to be the most well known but is not for everyone. Smart recovery has online meetings for families, for example.

There are helplines too that offer support - and not just when someone is still drinking.

Resentment and blame towards partners or families is common while adjusting, it will come out the most to whoever they acted out the most to when they drank, in this case, you. That's why people formerly close to the person in recovery can be supportive, but can't be the sole support - in fact they need some support themselves, to recover from the impact it's had on them.

A name on a note is no evidence of anything, he could have sat on it and it stuck to his jeans, it could be someone he had to email for work that someone wrote down and he forgot, it could be anything. As could the perfume.

You need to have a conversation about the lack of intimacy though... not a good indicator

No I wouldn’t think he was having an affair. The name wasn’t even his handwriting, it could be anything but why would you have the name of a woman you were having an affair with written down in someone elses hand? The explanation for the perfume sounds plausible.