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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be angry and distressed at the amount of harassment my fourteen year old daughter faces?

287 replies

Saggingninja · 17/03/2019 11:37

A small sample. She's been harassed on a bus by a man in his thirties when she was in her school uniform. Nobody intervened. She was followed slowly down a street by a man in a car, but when she turned to take a photo of his licence plate, he drove off. She was asked for a 'date' by a man who was 'in his fifties'. When she pointed out she was only fourteen he smiled and said 'he didn't mind.' And yesterday on the train with some friends, she noticed this man filming them. When she turned to face him, he stopped and moved away.

My daughter is confident and I've told her not to be afraid of telling anyone harassing her to fuck off or to loudly remind them that she's underage. I put up with so much crap when I was a teenager out of fear of being rude. But I'm so angry and distressed that this happens so often. Nothing has changed has it?

OP posts:
1Redacted1 · 17/03/2019 18:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlackCatSleeping · 17/03/2019 20:24

I got it loads growing up too.

I was sexually harassed by a client at work. I told my boss and she just told me that I probably just misunderstood. Hmm

MissEliza · 17/03/2019 21:51

I remember when I was 11, the ice cream man used to wolf whistle when I walked past. Wtf?

justilou1 · 18/03/2019 07:04

This started a very passionate conversation with my husband and his friends and their wives last night. (They all have daughters who are all younger than ours, also....). None of these men are remotely creepy and are mortified at the stories shared by the wives and I, then by our daughters (12 & 14 - I swear my husband has been grinding his teeth ever since!). They are so shocked and mortified at the matter of factness with which we reported sexual harassment and how frequently it happens - and from what age. They are so naive. Not all men are icky, it’s true, but a lot of people - male AND female have covered up for a lot of icky men for a very, very long time, and women and girls HAVE put up with this shit for far too long.

paddyplaistow · 18/03/2019 07:24

I was harassed in the 70s. It really was terrible, looking back. It was just not acknowledged, you just put up and shut up. Especially in the workplace.

littlebillie · 18/03/2019 08:05

I have horrid memories of being assaulted verbally and physically at that age.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 18/03/2019 11:50

School was the worst for me. Being constantly groped on the school bus and bomarded with porn mags (I have never let my daughters get a school bus) and in the corridors and even in class. I remember a couple of leering Y11 lads, men really they felt like, cornering me and a friend in Y7 or 8, around the back of a building and groping and talking about what they would do to us. I was so scared I was actually lightheaded.

Uni was better for me: it was the early eighties and men seemed reasonably respectful and the vibe in my uni was very very politically correct.

My first job was in a male dominated industry: there was porn on every office and workshop wall. I actually got a feel for the managers by their taste in porn. I remember one, really nice guy who was all about the equal opportunities, had lots of very uncomfortable looking tied up women. Another, very grandfatherly type, had really soft focussed young girls. Christ that sounds bad looking back. I can’t believe my 22 year old self had to put up with that.

SurgeHopper · 18/03/2019 12:05

I put up with so much crap when I was a teenager out of fear of being rude.

^^

This.

Girls need to be taught its fine to give a death stare, call these creepy men out and say what the actual fuck are you staring at?

It's OK to be rude.

SurgeHopper · 18/03/2019 12:07

None of these men are remotely creepy

^

But they are, aren't they?

Husbands, brothers, sons. All these men talked about on this thread are creepy, they are someone's husband/son whatever!

GerryblewuptheER · 18/03/2019 12:21

Husbands, brothers, sons. All these men talked about on this thread are creepy, they are someone's husband/son whatever!

There was a speech hannah Gadsby gave that explained how basically these so called good guys need these bad guys to keep us In check and to be able to he the good guys

All these men claiming they dont want to get into fights calling it out , men get into fights all the time over parking spots, tiny scratches on cars, a misheard word in a pub. They have no problem.over reacting to nothing . But this? This is what they decide they are to scared to act on on case they get hurt? Nah..

LakieLady · 18/03/2019 12:31

This thread has shocked me.

I naively thought that things wouldn't be so bad for young women today as they were when I hit puberty in the 1960s. I thought that after some high profile abuse trials, Savile, Me Too etc men would have become, if not more enlightened, then more inclined to exercise some self-control.

I was 11 the first time I was chatted up and asked on a date, and 12 the first time I was sexually assaulted. I didn't even know what it was, the man next to me on the bus home from school slid his hand up my skirt, and touched my vulva, inside my knickers. I was terrified, didn't understand what was happening and didn't dare tell anyone because I thought I'd be in trouble.

The predatory bastards are still at it, more than 50 years later. It boils my piss.

And who are they? Do they have wives, daughters? Wtf makes them think this is ok? I can't imagine my partner, friends, make family members behaving like this. Is that wrong of me?

TinklyLittleLaugh · 18/03/2019 12:32

I think, as a woman, you do get a feel for those of your friends/relatively/acquaintances who have an off attitude to women.

I’m confident about DP, confident about DS1 nowadays (though for a while he was a bit of a disrespectful womaniser, though probably not creepy) and confident about DS2. DS2 is only 12 though, very alpha and sporty with some very laddy mates. I shall be keeping an eye on him.

But yeah, some of my acquaintances I get a dodgy vibe from. And some surprise me. I had a lovely neighbour who I’ve known for 15 years behave very inappropriately to me at a party last year. I was very shocked and it’s totally changed my view of him.

flothatchicken · 18/03/2019 13:36

It's absolutely disgusting.

After work experience, a manager that worked there asked for my number so he could keep me posted about a Saturday job.

He then text me all sorts of creepy shit and said he wanted to put a ring on my finger. I was 15...he was 28! At the time I thought it was odd and worried I'd given the wrong impression but looking back now he was beyond fucking weird.

I'd love to bump into him and tell him what I think of the creepy fucker now.

Thisnamechanger · 18/03/2019 13:47

This is a really uncomfortable thing to admit but and I hate to say this but I remember us sort of encouraging it as a teenager Confused

If anyone actually approached us in thee street we'd have legged it but I distinctly remember it being a sort of competition how many men wolf-whistled at us/beeped their horns when we were walking around town in our school uniforms (skirts worn as short as possible obvs). It was also a sort of running competition who had the story with the oldest older-bloke (I'm not talking 50, I mean like twenties).

It makes me very, very uncomfortable and quite ashamed, knowing all I know now and realising what total creeps those men were.

GerryblewuptheER · 18/03/2019 13:50

Nah I think that's probably a firm of self preservation . The path of least resistance and all that.

Easier to go along with it than deal with being called frigid/ gay/ slag etc

It is horrible though when you look back and realise what they were like as you say

GerryblewuptheER · 18/03/2019 13:52

Not that I cared if people called me gay or a slag or whatever...its the anger and constant reminder theres something wrong with you for not liking it that gets to u

Thisnamechanger · 18/03/2019 13:52

Actually that being said none of us probably ever questioned why it made you cool/popular to get lots of older male attention - I just remember parading up and down the highstreet for HOURS and giggling a lot. As I say, if any of the men had actually come up and tried to talk to us we'd have probably been terrified.

GerryblewuptheER · 18/03/2019 13:56

That's the stupid thing isnt it . You do this stuff cos everyone else is apparently so much more experienced than you. Inevitably someone ends up going further or getting into a situation they wouldnt normally get onto on the basis it's what everyone else is apparently doing.

Truth is every single one of then would also run a mile

Thisnamechanger · 18/03/2019 13:58

I used to think I was incredibly grown up for having a 25 y.o text me all sorts of disgusting stuff at all hours of the day and night. Takes a good few years to realised how fucked it is!

EmeraldShamrock · 18/03/2019 13:59

Yanbu. I often see men learing from cars to get a better look at teenagers, I would loved to have a water gun.

Oblomov19 · 18/03/2019 14:04

Either I've blocked it out, but nothing, NOTHING like that has ever happened to me, EVER.
No, actually once when I was travelling in Israel. and that was when I was older, pre Uni.

My ds1 is older than your dd, but he's never seen anything bad, or anything that the girls weren't comfortable with. The girls at his school are much more mature, than the boys ,and its the girls that instigated anything sexual.

GerryblewuptheER · 18/03/2019 14:12

I used to think I was incredibly grown up for having a 25 y.o text me all sorts of disgusting stuff at all hours of the day and night. Takes a good few years to realised how fucked it is!

Thankfully we didn't have mobiles when I was a kid/teen

Still

Even in my 20s I'd get grown men 40+ saying God knows what. Some who I thought were friends would still ask what i was wearing half way through the convo.

Nothing says friendship like wank confessions via textHmm

Thisnamechanger · 18/03/2019 14:18

Nothing says friendship like wank confessions via text

Or "Oh sorry I meant to send that to someone else"

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 18/03/2019 14:23

Men ARE fucking foul, anyone who disagrees are usually male, or haven't been unfortunate enough to experience sexual harassment unluckily from the age of 10 up for me, and my daughters

I don’t think there’d be many who would disagree that this behaviour towards young girls is abhorrent but surely you mean some men?

GerryblewuptheER · 18/03/2019 14:24

Of course Hmm

Not the wife though cos somehow the wives are all withholding sex and they are just horny and we are just so easy to talk to...

Well talk to your wife ffs the advice is not a hint for a dick pic