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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed at parents who moan

51 replies

Tired78 · 17/03/2019 10:15

I have a friend who has one child in school and the other 11 month old in nursery 3 days a week although she is looking to move her to a different nursery who have a space for her to do full time. The mother doesn’t work or volunteer or do anything really except moan about how busy she is and how stressed she is. I don’t understand how doing a school and nursery run and then having the whole day to yourself can be so taxing..... and to moan to me who hasn’t had any child free (day) time at all in the past 5 years. AIBU to find this incredibly annoying.

OP posts:
hidinginthenightgarden · 17/03/2019 10:18

I doubt there are many people like her- maybe you could have phrased your title better.
To be honest, if she doesn’t work and doesn’t want to spend time with her kids I would wonder if she is coping with the two of them

BreakYourselfAgainstMyStones · 17/03/2019 10:20

It's not a competition, we are all allowed to be stressed out.

Hollowvictory · 17/03/2019 10:22

Some people struggle more than others it doesn't sound like she enjoys her life much making a meal of everything .
Why have you not had child free time in 5 years? That's v unusual!

Hollowvictory · 17/03/2019 10:22

Sounds like pnd tbh

Treaclepie19 · 17/03/2019 10:23

I would agree with the poster above.
You're judging on how it appears to you without really knowing what's going on.
People can appear to be coping and not be at all.

OddCat · 17/03/2019 10:23

I get that this irritates you but it's not a competition, some people find just being a parent stressful, I know I did , although I worked full time , I found the emotional load so hard to cope with.

SwimmingJustKeepSwimming · 17/03/2019 10:26

I really struggled when I was on that position. To be fair iIreally struggle now that I have 2 kids in school and only work very little.

Lack of supportive family, depression, anxiety over not having a career, all the anxieties in your head can all be exhausting before youve even got up.

Lucky you if youve never felt like that but dont beat someone when theyre down.

YouLikeTheBadOnesToo · 17/03/2019 10:29

It’s very easy to judge from the outside, but you honestly don’t know what’s going on. What’s easy for one person can be really challenging for another.

I do wonder if she’s coping though. I don’t know any women who don’t work or spend the majority of time with their children. Do you have the kind of relationship where you can ask if she’s doing ok?

OddCat · 17/03/2019 10:29

Do you work Op ?

Hyacintharehighersincelasttime · 17/03/2019 10:31

you dont understand op?
ask her?
she is obviously living a different life to you.

Hyacintharehighersincelasttime · 17/03/2019 10:32

i remember not understanding a woman who once her son went to school, gave up work,
people live differently op.

SandyY2K · 17/03/2019 10:36

You may be unaware of any personal issues she's dealing with.

Why don't you ask her out of curiosity what a typical day is like for her.

lippi · 17/03/2019 10:36

I gave up working when my son started school. I wanted to be the person who brought him to school and who collected him again at the end of his day. I wanted to be the one who helped with homework and made his day better if he had a bad day in school.
As he is now doing very well in college, is very secure in who he is and has the confidence to try anything, I reckon I made a fairly good decision in putting him above my own wants.

Whats not to understand about that ???

Hyacintharehighersincelasttime · 17/03/2019 10:39

i understand fully lippi, I felt exactly the same, but i knew this woman from weekend work, who gave up, as i said, people live different lives.

CripsSandwiches · 17/03/2019 10:39

I generally don't mind people moaning about anything but you can't moan to people who are in a worse situation. If you're annoyed that you're 100 sq ft yacht needs to go in for repairs and you need to make do with your back up 80 sq ft yacht - fine but you can't moan about it to someone who is struggling to pay the rent.

This woman might consider herself busy but if you're clearly busier you're not the best person to moan to.

Eastie77 · 17/03/2019 10:43

You haven't had a single child free day in 5 years?Shock I think that might be the root cause of your upset at your friend's seemingly carefree lifestyle.

A friend of mine is a SAHM and her 4 year old is at school full time. She is a single parent but is fortunate in that her wealthy parents bought her a property outright and place a very large sum of money in her bank account every month. They agreed to do this to allow her time to 'evaluate' her life and think about the career she wants to pursue. It's now been 3 years and she privately admits she has no intention of returning to work. She complains to me a lot about her stressful life and I do sometimes inwardly roll my eyes. However her ex is an absolute arsehole who has made her life a misery so she is actually under some degree of stress. From the outside her life looks perfect but when I see the abusive messages and the crap she has to put up so her daughter still has a relationship with her awful ex I feel for her.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/03/2019 10:46

I can see what you're saying, but like previous posters have said, you don't know what's going on in her life, not really.

She may have all sorts of hidden issues going on - but equally she might not. However, you can't allow yourself to be envious of her situation because you have no clue what else is going on with her.

Dimsumlosesum · 17/03/2019 10:47

Don't judge. Just because you'd find it a cakewalk, doesn't mean other people aren't allowed to. Just be a good friend and be there for her.

Fundays12 · 17/03/2019 10:49

I personally don’t understand it as her kids are not with her a lot of the time but maybe she has more going on than we know.

megrichardson · 17/03/2019 10:52

Some people are born moaners, they will moan about anything because they have some kind of core dissatisfaction with their lives.

Some people 'moan' as a cry for help.

It is sometimes difficult to tell the difference, maybe.

Huskylover1 · 17/03/2019 10:53

@lippi The downside there, is that you have an empty CV, and if your DH left you tomorrow, (unless you're very wealthy), you'd be screwed.

Original poster
Tired78 · 17/03/2019 10:53

Thank you for the replies I really like reading the different opinions.
I am jealous that they have the money to pay for childcare and she doesn’t need to work- but I would still rather care for my children myself. Just be nice to have sore cash floating around !
I don’t work and I’ve not had a child free day since my eldest was born 5 years ago because I stay at home to look after my 3 and can’t afford for them to go to nursery unless I work which I see as pointless when i want to care for them myself. I don’t have any support from family as they live on the other side of the world.
I do know my friend struggles with depression but says she’s doing on with that at the moment. She has loads of support from family as well as the paid for childcare and school.
I want to support her but like @CripsSandwiches says it’s complaining to me all the time when I’m constantly under the financial and stress and time pressure of home life and she spends her days planting a veggie patch or building her bird table Confused

OP posts:
Hyacintharehighersincelasttime · 17/03/2019 10:55

She is trying to fill her day meaningfully, can you suggest activities, walking? Working?

Hyacintharehighersincelasttime · 17/03/2019 10:56

Perhaps she can volunteer somewhere?

Hyacintharehighersincelasttime · 17/03/2019 10:57

I bet she is envious of your lifestyle op