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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be annoyed at parents who moan

51 replies

Tired78 · 17/03/2019 10:15

I have a friend who has one child in school and the other 11 month old in nursery 3 days a week although she is looking to move her to a different nursery who have a space for her to do full time. The mother doesn’t work or volunteer or do anything really except moan about how busy she is and how stressed she is. I don’t understand how doing a school and nursery run and then having the whole day to yourself can be so taxing..... and to moan to me who hasn’t had any child free (day) time at all in the past 5 years. AIBU to find this incredibly annoying.

OP posts:
americandream · 17/03/2019 10:58

YABU. You have NO idea what is going on in someone else's life.

I agree with previous posters that it should not be a competition. Is a person with 2 kids, not allowed to complain to people with 3 kids, because the person with 3 kids obviously has a harder life? Is a child free person not allowed to complain about being tired, even though they may have a stressful job, long hours, a mean boss, bitchy colleagues, and only one income because they are single, making them struggle financially too? Is someone who is 3 stone overweight not allowed to complain to anyone who is 4 stone overweight, about their weight making them unhappy?

I hate this competitive 'my life's harder than yours' bullshit.

I was going through a very rough time in my life some 11-12 years ago, for many reasons that I won't go into in great detail, (but it involved bereavement, illness of my DH, my kids having problems at school, health issues of my own, big financial problems, huge issues at work that were making me dread going into work, and problems with vile neighbours making our life hell.)

Yet I never complained about anything. It was no-one else's business or burden. On a course I went on, this woman (about 5 years older than me) was a single mother of 3 children, and she was in a private rent house, and struggling financially.

I had a husband, an (owned) house in a little cul-de-sac, and a car which I needed for work, and for some reason she took an instant disliking to me, and kept spouting shit like 'I didn't know what it was like for people like her..' and similar bollocks about the 'privileged blondie' up the corner in her 'fancy house.' That was the tip of the iceberg. She assumed I had a precious, privileged life because I never complained - unlike HER who never stopped complaining, like she was the most hard-done-by person in the country.

I wanted to knock her out, as she had no CLUE about the problems I was facing in my life at that time, and what I was dealing with in my life. I changed the day that I attended the course (to another class running the same course,) as I couldn't stand being near her.

Upshot is, don't assume that if someone is not sitting there moaning and bitching all day, that they have a blessed life. It's rude and presumptuous, and makes you look arrogant and foolish.

I have to add that thankfully, my life is much better now (and my family's too,) we are not in that neighbourhood anymore, our finances are much healthier, and I am not in the same job. But we went through a tough time as a family in the second half of late noughties.

@Tired78 you sound angry and bitter and resentful. And it's very unfair to resent someone else, and assume they have a much easier life than you. As I said, you don't know what is actually going on in other peoples lives. Maybe focus on your own life and what you can do to change things you are unhappy with, rather than resenting others, who appear to have a better/easier life.

OddCat · 17/03/2019 10:58

If she suffers from depression then sometimes all the support and money in the world don't help.

americandream · 17/03/2019 10:59

I should say we had a MORTGAGED house, not an owned one.

cafenoirbiscuit · 17/03/2019 11:01

Hah - do know where you’re coming from. I used to know someone who was always stressed and busy, and had one small, neat child to look after. Could never help anyone out ever, because of the busy-ness, you know.... I couldn’t understand how she was so busy all the time, had nice relatives nearby, plenty of money, happy relationship . Uncharitable of me I know, but I did want to give her head a wobble.

bellsbuss · 17/03/2019 11:02

@Tired78 if your child is 3 then you will be able to get the 15 hours child care the term after their birthday.

RomanyQueen1 · 17/03/2019 11:04

YABU but you know this already.
You will get free pre school education before your child goes to school and until then your sole responsibility is raising your child, that's an amazing thing to be able to do. There are lots of women who would be envious of you because they have to work.

excitedtobehere · 17/03/2019 11:05

It won't take long for the WOHP v's SAHP debate will kick off. Hmm
YABU. Find other friends.

Hollowvictory · 17/03/2019 11:06

Lots of women choose to work because they have great jobs and feel sorry for women who can't work because their careers are crap and don't cover childcare costs. @RomanyQueen1

RomanyQueen1 · 17/03/2019 11:10

excited

Neither women are working so nothing to do with woh/sah parenting.

Hollow

Of course, but that wasn't what OP was talking about. Some women would be envious of OP, as OP is envious of her friend, was the point I was making.

Tinkobell · 17/03/2019 11:10

Do you have any indication what her nights might be like? If she's up several times during the night, she might feel like the walking-dead during the day. Anyway, why are you moaning about your friend moaning....you sound like the only bloody moaner around here.

chocatoo · 17/03/2019 11:20

I also find it hard to understand people who moan about their kids as I genuinely just love being a mum and all that entails. I understand that some people are just not enjoying it so much, perhaps because they have illnesses or disabilities etc. that make it all more challenging.

Mememeplease · 17/03/2019 11:24

She's entitled to moan but she should perhaps choose her audience better.
It's like a slim person moaning about a few pounds they've put on to a fat person. A justified moan but insensitive with that particular person.
Or
Someone moaning about money to someone who has far less.

chocolatemademefat · 17/03/2019 11:26

Some people are professional moaners and the wind is always in their face. Unless she has some sort of medical or mental health problem she’s unwilling to share with you she probably believes she has a hard time. Every time she moans smile and change the subject. Every time.

formerbabe · 17/03/2019 11:27

I'm a sahm of school age dc....I'm always busy.

Qwertylass · 17/03/2019 11:29

Yanbu. I get fed up of parents who moan too as a teacher.

SwimmingJustKeepSwimming · 17/03/2019 11:36

Its really really hard when youre struggling if you havent easily got people to talk to. You have all the crazy in your head and then people say "make sure you talk about it, dont just say Im fine" etc.

But the fear is when you do that it will sound like moaning and the person talking to you will just smile and change the subject. It really is lonely when you struggle with basic stuff of life.

Hanumantelpiece · 17/03/2019 11:40

I find the ones who moan about what their children are being taught at school (SPAG particularly), and that they never seem to know what is going on, what lessons cover, etc.
The same parents that are too busy to attend any information sessions the school put on which cover this, the same parents that receive a newsletter/school diary (which is also online), but don't have time to read "all that stuff", that have poor SPAG themselves....

And before anyone says that these are working parents, I know. School put on several repeats of the sessions, at different times, with plenty of advance notice. If you can't attend those, or parent's evenings, any material from the sessions is posted online and parents can book a time with the teacher outside the set parents evening.

YouWinAgain · 17/03/2019 11:41

I'm a single parent, my 3 year old is at Nursery 3 days a week, I don't work.

My days are spent chasing Drs and hospitals for appointments for DD, attending counselling for myself, attending meetings about my DD, as well as battling PTSD and Depression.

I really want to work, but can't atm as I'm "not well enough" despite feeling it.

I also have family support who sometimes pick her up from Nursery for me, or take her.

Please don't judge until you've lived a life of Depression and Anxiety, I'd not wish my life on anyone.

NannyRed · 17/03/2019 11:47

Maybe your friend is not a natural mother.
Maybe she is very particular about her housework and standards at home.
Maybe she likes to cook Michelin class food.
Maybe she is missing hobby time.
Maybe she has depression.
Maybe her partner is being a tit and bullying her because he is no longer her number one.

Who are you to judge how stressed your friend is?

Have you ever heard the expression “walk a mile in someone else’s shoes”?

Sorry op, but you are not this lady’s friend, friends aren’t judgmental pricks.

BrinkPink · 17/03/2019 11:49

Agree with CripsSandwiches too - she may find it hard and feel busy, but moaning to someone who's much busier is insensitive.

I had a friend who had one child in school and was a SAHM. She regularly sent her DC off to stay with GPs for a week so she could have a child-free holiday with her husband.

I was working, with 2 DC one a toddler, lazy partner and no family help. I was rushed off my feet and never got any time to myself.

She would moan and moan about how she had no free time, but one day, if she ever did have any, she would love to take up in her spare time as a hobby - as if it was just a bit of fun that anyone could do. Made me SO CROSS! She had no idea at all what "no spare time" actually means.

Friend no more...

lippi · 17/03/2019 11:53

Huskylover1 Sun 17-Mar-19 10:53:13
@lippi The downside there, is that you have an empty CV, and if your DH left you tomorrow, (unless you're very wealthy), you'd be screwed.

That's very presumptions - I have a very interesting CV should I need to use it again, nothing empty in the last 16 years of my life - I am highly employable should I decide to return to the work place.
I am not very wealthy but should my husband leave me tomorrow I will manage to survive because I am an independent woman who doesn't need to rely on anyone for survival.

Qwertylass · 17/03/2019 11:53

Parents are always moaning to me. I just ignore it if they don't like the rules tough take your child to another school.

Persimmonn · 17/03/2019 11:56

It’s like my “friend” who used to make sad faces/superior comments when I dreaded school holidays as I’d get so stressed out and anxious that I’d have to look after them full time for 2 weeks. Or if I spoke to them sternly after a long day of bickering. But she could leave her kids off at her mums whenever she wanted. She had her sister to take her kids whenever she wanted. Her house was immaculate because she always went over to her mums for the day and came back every evening to sleep.

endofthelinefinally · 17/03/2019 12:00

I worked part time for years, but I was also looking after 2 very unwell, demented elderly people and one child with serious problems.
My DH worked very long hours and was frequently away from home.
My child is now dead.
I promise you, I don't look back and wish that I had spent more time at work.
This thread isn't about me, but I have posted just to make the point that you never know what people are coping with.

WelcomeToShootingStars · 17/03/2019 12:01

But everyone is different. I'd find her lifestyle incredibly difficult and stressful.