What support is out there for people like me? Does it exist?

[Newnamechchchchange]

NC today.
Lone parent. 2 KS2 kids. No support. My dad dead, my mum has dementia, siblings cut me out of the 'inner circle' due to living outside the home city and put formalities in place to that effect (LPA my mum has no recollection of, all put in place before I knew anything about it & had never heard of an LPA to even pre-empt this happening). No cousins, no aunts / uncles.
House a mess due building work that went horribly wrong. Washer dryer recently broke for good. Leaking kitchen roof, water coming in presently at 8 separate points.
Zero hrs contract part time job for less than living wage (best I could find after taking 9yrs out raising my kids, previously worked for a global medical company for a decade on good wages / benefit package, after getting a 1st class science degree from a Russell group university, now feel worthless in the job market).
I am currently undergoing tests to get to root cause of some physical issues, hospital appt tm afternoon (who knew Sunday hospital appointments were a thing), recently had breast cancer ruled out which is one of the few positives of recent times.
To top it all I slept funny last night & have a stiff painful neck today. Me & the kids are cooped up together so I'm trying to act like the constant dripping (can be heard all over the house & they don't want to be away from me) is nothing to worry about. Weve got half the kitchen cleared into the lounge which doesn't help.

Life shouldn't be this hard or difficult. There's not enough waking time to keep on top of everything, it all needs sorting urgently, more bad fortune keeps coming before I've been able to deal with the last blow. I have no one to turn to. Feels like there's no help in these sort of situations for people struggling. AIBU in thinking this? I don't know where to start getting us out of this mess.

No criticism please, but constructive advice or pointers to support avenues I'm unaware of appreciated. Thanks for making it to the end of this post.

No advice to give. Similar situation here. The only I try to do is do little things for myself sometimes. Seriously need a holiday of some type without the DCs otherwise it's not a holiday...not sure when that will happen... utterly burnt out of the daily mental load of what to make for dinner, what homework, calling someone to fix plumbing or tyring to do it myself using utube, etc. Job situation very similar.

Do you think other people even realize people like us exist? Doing everything on our own, with no one to bounce ideas off? Everyone always seems to think women have all their mothers or sisters or girlfriends.

I often think if I told people my alone situation they would think I am a leper or something.

Loads of great advice

Step by step you can fix this with help.

In the future when the immediate practical things are sorted consider using this Women Returners programme. You'll be on a placement back into work. Many many opportunities out there.

wrpn.womenreturners.com/

Do you own or rent your house? Are you on FB? Have you tried looking at local selling sites etc, you can sometimes get a bargain on there so at least you had a washing machine in the interim. Who did the building work and how did it go so wrong? Are they denying responsibility? Are you sure you're claiming everything you're entitled to?

tbh, I don't think there is much in a practical way. I have 2 DC, one severely disabled, I work when the DC are in school. No family if support network. One of the children so suffering due to their siblings complex SN and yet there is nothing in terms of practical support (not help from SS, respite, homestart). I cannot even get a babysitter or anything due to my DCs disabilities. We are really on our knees and I have been begging for help with SS.

I think you just need to accept that the kind of support you would want is probably not there and find a different way for you to make things work. It sucks and is not fair but that is 2019 Britain.

There are home improvement grants from the local council you may be able to access.
I agree that you're in quite a vulnerable situation with little support. Do you have friends? Maybe start socialising at mother & toddler groups. What about National Childbirth Trust - they were a lifeline for me when my children were little. I was poor & they give discounts for joining in those circumstances.
Widen your interests maybe? I think you need friends, not family. Family don't always provide the right support & you can choose your friends. You want a loyal, supportive friendship group. Do you do anything for yourself at all? You need a plan to meet some people. Search for local interest groups in your area. Or look to see how to refresh your science degree & skills -you want something to look forward to.

www.letslinkuk.net/

See if you have one of these schemes near you

I'm really sorry things have been shit lately. You sound knackered and ground down. In time, some good things will definitely come along.Don't lose hope, you can change things.

From your previous post, this sticks out: I would hate them to see me as a burden or obligation. Difficult as it is, you have to be open with people that you need help. If people don't know what's going on, then they can't offer.

Do your kids go to visit their school friends? If yes, ask those people if it's possible to set up a reciprocal playdate afternoon once every fortnight. I'd be open and say you need the time to fix up the house, and you could arrange your playdate at the local library. This is what I've done with friends (likewise no family nearby) and it's been amazing. It's surprising what you can get done even in one afternoon without kids.

I'd also go to all the agencies I could think of and ask what support is possibly available - CAB, any local charities that might be relevant (e.g. here, the furniture re-use store also sells refurbished white goods cheaply). Talk to someone at your kids' school - is there anything that can be done to help, any parents that might give you a hand with some of the DIY?

Can you visit any recruitment agencies and talk to them about changing jobs? Any local charities that would help with employability? Finding a school hours job that pays better would definitely help.

Honestly, good kind people do exist. It's just a matter of finding the ones local to you. When you're in a better place you will definitely reciprocate, or pay it forward.

Argh I meant to say "don't lose hope"!

It might be worth contacting your local voluntary action group, I think a lot of towns have them. Explain your situation and ask if they can suggest any local charities that might be able to help.

No ideas just solidarity.

I'm as unlucky as you are. Abusive childhood, so no family. Made the natural step there of rushing into a relationship and having a baby with an increasingly abusive man. Did that straight from school so no friends.

Down on luck in every way, financially, job wise, everything. But we plod on through. Just about managing, finding the bright places in every day.

I think at the moment you are feeling depressed because of your situation and its stopping you taking control of sorting it all out as you are overwhelmed by it all. I don't know if this is the answer but am going to make a suggestion which you might want to try or not.

Firstly, if possible try and forget it all this evening and watch a good film on the tv or something. Say tomorrow is going to be the day you make a start on turning your life around and then feel empowered by that.

Tomorrow, make a list of everything in your life that is troubling you and needs fixing, and write down how you want your life to be better. Put it all down on paper.

Then put everything in an order so that the most immediate things that need dealing with are at the top.

Write down a detailed analysis of your finances such as assets, debts, income and expenditure. Write down an income and expenditure budget from now until the end of December month by month so you get an understanding of what months are financially harder than other months and whether you need to work extra hours any month. Take control of your finances. Are there ways of reducing your monthly expenditure by doing things cheaper. Can you increase your income by extra hours, getting a better paid job, getting maintenance from your ex. Just plan it all out. Are there extra things you need to sort out the house. If possible, put by £10 or whatever you can afford into savings.

Involve your children in doing things to help more. They are old enough now to take on a few jobs around the house. I think it is okay to say to them you need help as you are finding it hard to do everything by yourself. I think they might be happy to help you and to feel like they have some responsibility. They can help with cleaning and tidying the house or doing dishes or other things.

Give yourself a year, say, to deal with your list of things that need dealing with. For the first two weeks deal with the most urgent such as the leak and anything need fixing in the house. Over the first month try and tick off four things off your list then each month try and deal with four things at a time on your list.

See what resources there are out there for external support such as Citizens Advice, local church, grants and financial support.

Visit your doctor to discuss how you are feeling and see if there is any support you can get from there.

Consider ways of meeting other people and making friends. It doesn't have to be on a night out. It can be at the park or a soft play activity centre or swimming pool while with the kids. Can you make friends with work colleagues or neighbours. The local church is a good place to make friends and they will have activity things for the kids to get involved in. And you don't really need to be religious to go to the local church. Check out what sorts of clubs and centres there are in your neighbourhood.

Is it possible for you to contact any of your friends just to see if they fancy coming down for a weekend. Don't worry if your house is not looking like a palace. Any friend would not be bothered by that.

Is it possible to reach out to your siblings to close any rift?

Just take small steps at a time OP so it won't be so overwhelming. You will get there, I promise

I could be wrong, but I thought Young Carers was support for children caring for a parent. Also,I volunteered for Home Start some while ago and the support then was for babies and toddlers.But why don't you email them, right now. They might offer help or know someone who can. And perhaps Gingerbread might be able to put you in touch with people closer than a 40 minute drive or know of other single parent support groups closer to you. If you send a couple of emails tonight you might feel you are taking control because things feel overwhelming. Be proud that of the fact that you are holding things together and that your children are lucky to have such a lovely mum.

I'm guessing you own your home mortgage free? As you said you have no debt? Why not just sell up and move somewhere for a decent job? Turn your own life around. You sound very defeatist and negative and full of excuses. Get out of the pity party and get on with your life. Not being harsh I just genuinely think you need and want someone to give you a kick up the bum from wallowing to give you the motivation to do something. Good luck OP.

Totally agree that what is doable with family support or money can be completely overwhelming without.

Thanks for all the replies.

I'm sorry to hear others are in similar situations. It makes normal life a battle. Perhaps harder to understand if you've never been in a truly 'independent' position, as in it's not a choice day to day, but it's that feeling that if anything goes wrong you still don't have anyone you can hand in heart say you could count on. I have 1 friend who I believe would do what she could above and beyond the others, but she has 5 kids so despite a big network herself, it wouldn't be automatic. This has been on my mind more since having cancer tests, facing the 'what if' brought some stark realisations.

We did go to church for a number of years, not been for a while now. Made quite a few acquaintances but not friends. I felt there was a sense of casual gossip there from things I heard but perhaps just the wrong church for us. Not many lone parents around here, I'm not confident my challenges wouldn't have been discussed in the church cafe / playgroup / mothers mtg etc. My kids are now at the school it's linked to and several staff go there, so for me it's not a healthy separation of our private lives from school any more. It's quite a gossipy environment (several staff at school are parents of kids in my DC's years), I've heard all sorts about people I barely know from people gossiping. I don't want that for me or my children. But maybe somewhere else is worth considering.

To anyone saying I'm negative, that implies there's 2 angles & I'm only viewing the worst one. The details this is based on are factual, not about perspective. I understand it may sound like there's a problem with each potential solution but this is the situation! It's why it's so rubbish & I'm asking what I can do, for a new viewpoint. The situation is full of negatives but I think I'm generally being factual. I try to be. Even today I kept thanking a greater power that If this was going to happen I'm glad it was today while I was home, not last week when we had some bad rain while I was at work. The alternative of coming home with the kids & finding a flooded kitchen would've been so much worse. If I started being negative I think that's when I'd give up hope in ever getting on top of things. I'm not there, I just can't see a clear way out.

I'm going to try to take a step back from posting for a bit as I ramble, to focus on the replies. I want to take in & think about the advice given, for which I'm grateful. I will still be reading all posts.

OP, i don't think you sound overly-negative, just down-in-the-dumps, and you've obviously posted because you're feeling at your very lowest. Your story about walking to the launderette in the rain and it being closed really got me, I felt so sad for you, it's these times when you're so low already that life likes to kick you in the teeth!

I don't have any of the material ideas others have, about agency help etc, although I agree try turn2us. There is grant money to be had out there that nobody knows about. Do an independent search as well as turn2us.

Your friend who you say has 5 kids - well, i'm one of 5, and let me tell you, another few of our friends round the house never made a difference! Ask her to take your kids for a night, or a weekend, or anything, I'm sure your kids will enjoy it too, and your good friend will understand.

I also agree that churches can be cliquey. Try a spiritualist church just for you. They're not as scary as they sound, and can be very supportive.

Roof first i'd say, since that is literally "dampening your spirits", then washing machine, because although inconvenient, you at least have access to a launderette.

Your kids are old enough to help out around the house too, and I'm sure they see the pain you're in and would love to help.

I also don't want to make a suggestion that sounds unrealistic, but a cheap package holiday with your kids would brighten everybody's spirits. You don't really sound like you need a break from the kids as such, and some quality time together in the sun away from life would be lovely. If you've no debt, what's 500 or 600 pounds credit for a week in the Mediterranean sun really going to cost?

Some churches are better than others. I had a bit of a cry at church this week, got surrounded by concerned ladies and a hug or two and listening ears. That helps to be able to pick yourself up and carry on.

Other churches have been shit at supporting single parents, will bleat on about how hard parenting is but do nothing to include single parents with disabled children in the life of the church, never considering that if it is hard for couples with NT healthy children then single parents must find it harder.

Finding the right church is key. Ours looks more unsuitable on first view but they have been really caring.

You also need practical help. It was only one trusted friend who was able to help and got me started.

Is there somewhere other than kitchen for that washing machine? ( Bathroom?) Do you have a garden to dry washing to let it drip dry. Bloody rinse as well in this weather.

When my washing machine went tits up friends offered to do a couple of loads. That would keep you going for a few days with hand washing smalls. ( Rinsing is difficult, I used to let the shower running over them) wringing out is bloody hard work by hand.

I got a spinner as it was cheaper than a washing machine and tided over for a few months days

Do you know how bad the roof is and how much it would cost to repair, OP? We had a leak in ours last year, after one of the bedroom ceilings sprung a leak (while I had friends sleeping in there!) It cost just under £1k to repair, which is a lot of money but nowhere near the cost of re-roofing. I put it on a credit card, as it had to be done.

Agree with @blackeyedgruesome on the moralising tone of some churches, which is why i suggested spiritualist church. Less "judgement" on things like single motherhood.

Have a look at HelpfulPeeps website, people offer their services for free .

So sorry you're struggling Op

What sort of roof is it? Do you know what is going on with it?

I feel so sorry for you as I know just how you feel. I am on my own with 3 DCs: 11, 10, 9. I can relate to so much in your post. Not having family support is so tough. I have some LP friends, but they have family to lean on and they just don’t get the constant pressure I am under.

One difference for me, I work full time. All three of my children have severe food allergies. It’s stressful and another layer of mental load, for me and them. But that job and my salary gives us some financial stability.

The DCs have after school nanny, after school clubs and now sometimes come home on their own. The childcare costs are tough - my largest expense, but holding onto this job is a priority for me.

Also I am on anti-anxiety meds - even though I never felt ‘anxious’ - more overwhelmed. They work though, I don’t feel as overwhelmed by the unrelenting nature and constant pressure of my situation.

I don’t have any ideas to make things better for you. But I know this situation won’t last. Things will get better for you.

OP - fixing the roof sounds like a number 1 priority. I'd suggest that when the weather gets a bit calmer you take time to have a close look and assess the problem/sources of leaks, then go online and read through DIY forums to get as well informed as possible about what a builder/roofer would have to do to fix it. Then search around for someone to quote for the job and find the money, even if it means taking a small loan or selling some unworn jewellery (something I did a few years back - raised useful cash when money was tight and never missed it).

As for the washer/dryer, my take on this is probably a bit different to others, but might be apt here. Decent washer dryers are expensive and not all they're cracked up to be. They are complex items with much that can go wrong. I prefer a basic washing machine with a separate dryer. Our kitchen is small, so we didn't have room for both, so for years I had a condenser dryer in one of the bedrooms - requires no plumbing, water collects in tank, just empty regularly. Recently I decluttered the kitchen and realised that at a push I could do with one less cupboard and that enabled dryer to fit in kitchen - well worth it. In your position I would consider buying basic a condenser dryer, as it can go into any room instantly and be put to use straight away, even while kitchen leaking. You can then do some washing by hand and avoid expensive trips to laundrette (literally money down drain). Once kitchen leaks are fixed that would be time to get a new washing machine.

Good luck OP, it's been a really tough time by the sound of it, but you are bright and resourceful, you will get through this.

Hello you, I’m really really new to this and I’ve read your message with interest as although I’ll never be you or in your position, I had a pretty bad early unmarried life with a disabled child, grotty desperate house and zerofriends. When you say NW, is that perhaps an area of ‘social and economic poverty’? because if so these areas used to attract a lot of grants from Europe and other places to help renovate homes over a certain age esp for leaky rooves, unfit bathrooms and kitchens, windows, doors, floors, drains, insulation and heating.maybe try contacting your council for grants (the ones you don’t pay back - Home Improvement stuff)?
Also, in similar circs I joined a fitness class. I was 5’6” nearly 18 stone with thighs that stuck together at any movement but that one class made me friends who had friends and like Topsy ‘it grewed’!
It may seem like a mountain to climb right now and I really get how low and lonely you must feel. All I learnt was that eventually it worked for me and as I began to feel slightly more human I started a game of ‘who will say the dreaded phrase first today’ and that tickled my warped sense of humour enough to at least raise a smile and I went from there. Btw, the dreaded phrase (as a mum of a disabled child) was ‘God only sends these special children to special mothers’!! I could cheerfully snatched these wellmeaning - usually women - bald and choked them on each hair but as the game began and I got SO good at it, my spirits did rise somewhat.
I hope that anything I’ve said either helps or made you smile. Best wishes mate, chin up! x

OP, this is the way I managed (I have had the building work going wrong, the washer dying, no family in the country, loosing half of my income and therefore TC, etc.

1. No point on fighting the feelings of despair, do not deny them. Accept you are going through a bad time and you just need to bear the brunt of it until things get better.

2. prioritise the most important stuff. At this time is not the washer or house work, it is sorting the roof leaks. You may not be able to do a proper repair but try to think a way to help you limit the damage before you can afford the expense of fixing. (I attached a long segment of packing string to the area where the water was collecting on the ceiling and put a big bin at the end of it (that reduced the splashing and made the kitchen usable. Search the internet for suggestions on temporary fixes. Nothing gets you in a worst mood than feeling unsafe in your house.

3. If having the house untidy is getting in your nerves, google FlyLady Daily Missions and with 15 minutes a day you should be up to scratch in a couple of weeks. Alternatively, follow the three minute rule (if it takes less than 3 minutes just do it as you go by)

4. Do not even try to catch up with the house and other stuff when you are exhausted. Go to bed at the same time as the children, you will wake up more rested earlier than usual and may have an hour before the kids wake up to catch up with stuff without distractions (This hour on your own can turn your life around, do not waste it staying in bed)

5. Be patient, things won’t continue to be like this for long. Your children are coming into an age when they won’t require much time from you (teens like to have their own space) just hold in there, it will, eventually, pass.