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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel offended by co-worker's message

103 replies

AnnieNonaMouse · 16/03/2019 13:09

I had my last day at work this week before starting maternity leave for dc2. My line manager organised a mini leaving do for me and I received some lovely gifts and a card with messages from all of my co-workers. One of the messages from a more junior member of my team said 'congratulations on having a baby and passing your workload onto me'. Am I right to feel a little offended by this? I know it may have been tongue in cheek but it wasn't followed by anything and it isn't the first time she's made remarks (I've been part-time since having ds and she often comes out with 'enjoy your day off' etc).

I appreciate that she feels as though her workload will increase in my absence, however we have just hired another junior who will also be sharing the workload. I just can't help feeling that it's a disservice to women to make such remarks (ironically she is part of the company's equality committee).

OP posts:

HaventGotAllDay · 17/03/2019 09:00

When you go on holiday do you get offended if people tell you to have a nice time?
Just checking because I must have missed the 1001 things to be offended about memo.
When I went on maternity leave, I was presented with a huge bunch of flowers! How fucking dare they huh! And a card which said, among other things "think of us while we slave away here and we'll think of you with your nappies and sleepless nights"

I should probably have logged that one with the plod according to the utter batshittery on this thread.

Being sane however, I cried because they'd all been so lovely to me.

OVienna · 17/03/2019 09:19

Without knowing the person it's impossible to judge whether it was a "just" a joke or a "joke" by a very passive aggressive colleague trying to make a point.

I feel like there could be some sort of backstory here. Would you say your workplace is pleasant atm or are people fairly pissed off?

GoldenHour · 17/03/2019 09:21

I guess it depends on the person on the intention but I'd take that as pretty funny, that's my kind of humour. I'd just return a "you're welcome!"

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 17/03/2019 09:32

Jesus, I'd hate to work with or for some people on here! It must be so tiring to be offended by everything and everyone.

FriarTuck · 17/03/2019 09:36

It's a joke. It's what people put in leaving cards.
This ^^.

FriarTuck · 17/03/2019 09:37

I'd hate to work with or for some people on here! It must be so tiring to be offended by everything and everyone.
And this ^^.

Totaldogsbody · 17/03/2019 09:51

It was a joke, a wee smiley face beside it would have made that clear but maybe she was feeling harassed when she wrote it. Have a nice day off is a pretty common thing to say to colleagues nothing wrong with that either.

Madein1995 · 17/03/2019 09:52

YABU. And precious. I bet you're 'that colleague'

Frenchmontana · 17/03/2019 09:53

@greeneyedlulu you really think your situation is anywhere near the same?

Shocker....some people are arseholes, therefore some women are arseholes and sometimes they are arseholes to other women who happened to be mothers.

If your colleague wrote that, in the way you said she was an arsehole and was acting like an arsehole. She would be the same in you were off sick or took an absence of leave.

Cautionsharpblade · 17/03/2019 10:05

Many a truth spoken in jest.

Sounds like her workload has increased but she won’t be paid for it, simply because of of a personal choice you have made. Several posters have said ‘just wait till she has a baby!’ but there’s a good chance she never will. She’ll just keep on picking up extra work every time someone else goes on maternity leave in some kind of tacit understanding that ‘that’s what women do’ and ‘one day it will be her’.

It’s good she’s on the equality board, perhaps she’ll speak up for women who aren’t mothers and people will stop assuming we’re all the same.

HoppingPavlova · 17/03/2019 14:14

Hoppingpavlova (Assuming you are not teasing) would you mind explaining your thought process here?

Sure, if you need it.
Person A is leaving to have a baby.
Person B writes a message stating "congratulations on having a baby and passing your workload onto me"

Simple thought process. The underlying message is that person A's choice will cause person B grief due to an increased workload. This is an inappropriate message for person A to convey to person B. If person A has an issue with workload for any reason then there is only one person they need to provide comment to and that would be the manager responsible for their workload, not a colleague or colleagues who they feel are responsible.

To turn it around:
Person B (calling in sick): "I can't come in today, I'm extremely unwell."
Me (as a manager): "Okay then. Thanks for passing your workload on to the rest of the team."
You could also replace me with Person A (a colleague) for the purpose of the scenario, makes no difference.
I really doubt Person B would find it so very funny yet it's okay for them to expect others to find it funny. Nope.

HoppingPavlova · 17/03/2019 14:18

Sry, too late for me, slotting it in after a long day and before bed ........ should have been - This is an inappropriate message for person B to convey to person A. If person B has an issue with workload for any reason then there is only one person they need to provide comment to and that would be the manager responsible for their workload, not a colleague or colleagues who they feel are responsible.

Dotty1970 · 17/03/2019 14:30

Omg it's obviously A JOKE.... Lighten up and some people on here need to lighten up too, jeez

CloudyTuesday · 17/03/2019 15:14

"To turn it around:
Person B (calling in sick): "I can't come in today, I'm extremely unwell."
Me (as a manager): "Okay then. Thanks for passing your workload on to the rest of the team."

I don't think your two scenarios are similar at all.

One is a sick person, hardly in the mood for jokes, being told by their line manager - in a serious way - that their unavoidable sickness will impact their colleagues negatively.

The other is a person, presumably happy and excited to be starting maternity leave, being told by a colleague, in a card, in a way that a high % of people would view as a joke, that, whilst they bugger off to enjoy their new baby, their team will still be working hard.

"If person A has an issue with workload for any reason then there is only one person they need to provide comment to and that would be the manager."

You're right. And that's what any right-thinking person would do. If they were serious. Which this person isn't.

donquixotedelamancha · 17/03/2019 15:36

This is an inappropriate message for person A to convey to person B.

That there is the exact nature of the joke: messages in cards are usually bland, positive drivel. The humour is in writing the exact opposite.

HoppingPavlova You didn't actually answer any of my questions (which is part of what makes me thing you are just trolling us all) so I'll repost:

I understand that you can't tell this is a joke, but there are almost 70 messages explaining that it is. Why do you think that they are wrong?

Assuming that OPs managers can probably see the joke, what outcome do you imagine to the aggressive response you suggest? Can you not see why it might work out very badly for the OP?

donquixotedelamancha · 17/03/2019 15:38

P.S. Thank you for replying. I never understand people who insist that something isn't a joke and shouldn't be allowed so it's interesting to try to understand why.

Raffles1981 · 17/03/2019 20:58

One of the guys at my job is a complete arse to me since I had my DS. He lost his mind when I took time off over Christmas (my DP had to work and there was no one else available) made comments all the time, within earshot. He thinks I have an easy life because I only work part time now. Ignorance is bliss. No one knows your situation as much as you do. There's always someone making comments, passing judgement when they have no idea. He even makes comments about how tired he is - despite being single and having no children. I never assume I am the most tired, even when DS has kept me up at night. We all have our struggles, we all have our issues. I don't put my nose into anyone's business and when he starts with his comments, I simply ignore. He doesn't know my struggles. And I don't know his. Just focus on you and yours. And good luck with baby number 2

CloudyTuesday · 18/03/2019 06:18

" He even makes comments about how tired he is - despite being single and having no children."

You do actually sound a little judgemental actually. Pot, kettle, black?

LuvSmallDogs · 18/03/2019 07:34

DS3’s due date fell around an annual busy spell at DH’s work, and DH was constantly getting “told” by management to get me to hurry up and have him now or to cross my legs for a little bit longer, that he did this to them on purpose etc.

They sent us a lovely bouquet of flowers and were very concerned about some complications that cropped up. They really were just joking around. In this situation I would think the best of your coworker and treat it as a joke that didn’t quite land unless you’re given reason to think it isn’t one.

Raffles1981 · 18/03/2019 10:46

CloudyTuesday

" He even makes comments about how tired he is - despite being single and having no children."

You do actually sound a little judgemental actually. Pot, kettle, black

See? Without even realising it, I have judged him!

Spiritinabody · 18/03/2019 11:48

It"s just a joke. She's young and probably finds it a nightmare figuring out something different to write on cards. Don't take her comments to heart. She really isn't being offensive.

MissionItsPossible · 18/03/2019 12:10

I hope to god I never work with some of you on here.

SomethingOnce · 18/03/2019 12:13

I’d have found it funny.

HoppingPavlova · 21/03/2019 08:52

HoppingPavlova You didn't actually answer any of my questions (which is part of what makes me thing you are just trolling us all) so I'll repost: I understand that you can't tell this is a joke, but there are almost 70 messages explaining that it is. Why do you think that they are wrong?

So sorry, couldn’t get back to post any earlier, busier than a blue arsed fly. Can read on a device on the go but it keeps closing which is pointless when having to have 20 goes to attempt and not guaranteed of success so needed time to get on this to post.

Def not a troll. Busy, yes, troll, no. Re the 70 messages. Short answer is if I have yourself and another 69 people telling me that 2+2=5 I’m not just going to believe it because everyone else does. That simple really. The way I put it forward is as I believe it. Not sure what other answer you expect there?

Re the managers response. To turn it around, if someone took this to their manager (as I would) and the manager thought it was oh so hilarious and did nothing then a) I would not be impressed, b) I would never take anything to them in the future and c) I would consider bypassing them and just going to HR with all issues with the explaination they don’t take management of issues as they should and let them deal with it all.

Although I wouldn’t suffer this problem in the first place as if my manager had some defect in this regard I would tell them what I thought of their management. And yes, I have done so on the rare occasion when required. No, I have never been fired, reorganised to another department or put on special projects. In fact, I have always outlasted any dickhead in that regard.

whatsthecomingoverthehill · 21/03/2019 09:53

I think that it was clearly a joke and that I'd hate to work where HoppingPavlova does.

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