To consider ending relationship over this??

[Breastfeedingmama]

Bit of a long one so thanks to anyone who reads it all!
So for background, myself and DH have been together for approx 1 year and 4 months (not married but engaged). We started dating and ended up moving in together after a few months and roughly a month later I was pregnant with DS, now 3 months.
When we met, through work, I had heard rumours of him having been dating another coworker for the past 4/5 years. Now this shocked me at the time due to a combination of; there was never any chemistry between them, they never seemed to speak about anything other than work, and also, excuse my lack of political correctness, but she was rather unattractive in comparison and didn’t have much of a personality 🙈. He explained me from the start that he had slept with her and went on a few dates with her a few years back but he never wanted anything more, however she clung on to the idea of a relationship for years, frequently texting despite lack of replies etc. He claims he went along with it instead of shutting it down for an easy life. When we started dating he hadn’t slept with her in over a year and that was a one off after a night out.
Problem is thus.. I left the job around about the time we moved in together and no one there knew we were together (both our choice) though he was still within the same company. He no longer saw the other coworker in work daily but still occasionally and over the phone for work. I accepted the situation wasn’t a relationship so told him I didn’t mind him not telling her we were together and just to not reply to her messages so he blocked her. Though in December shortly after DS was born, and about a 9 months since he “blocked her”, I discovered a texting a personal texting conversation to her, and obviously went ballistic. He explained that he only messaged her to bide time, keep the peace and make life easier regarding work(he was leaving the job with the month), both for him but even more so for a close family member of his that worked beneath her and he knew how difficult she’d make life for his family member at work(who was also leaving within the month). He agreed this it was utterly wrong for him to do and begged for my forgiveness. I accepted eventually as I understood that he had no intent to ever see her and it genuinely was for that reason, I also know 100% he hasn’t saw her out with work as the text messaged between them confirmed that.
More recently I discovered that it wasn’t just one set of text messages, but occasionally ones throughout the year, not untoward text messages but still keeping contact, once or twice a month.

So, AIBU for considering ending things for this? Part of me can’t shake the feeling of betrayal that he kept contact with an “ex”, particularly while I was pregnant. And the more rational part of me understand he made a stupid mistake that I truly believe he’d never make again, and he genuinely never had any intent to cheat on me. He is a good guy and this is the only issue we’ve ever had but it’s just created trust issues I’m struggling to shake.

Opinions please? And thank you to anyone who’s read to the end :)

I know it seems as though some of the responses here are hitting you over the head, but I assure you, there is method to them.

Lots of us are very wise, as a result of different personal experiences, and from having read many other posts on here.

For what it's worth, I don't think your bf has cheated in terms of having sex with this woman since you've been together.

However. My guess is, he encouraged the idea of keeping your pregnancy and relationship secret do the ow didn't find out and get upset.
He's then sat with you being derogatory about her....( ugly, she was persistent) I very much doubt this was the case.
Think about it, how many men get forced into sex, dating and messaging women? Your feelings towards the woman are bound to be negative as her existence makes you feel insecure.
Your bf has shown you very large red flags, not to trust him.

Remember, liars and cheats come in all forms. Rarely is that form, a big hairy ogre, dribbling, stinking, with claws. Most liars and cheats are very good at getting people to fall for them. They lie and cheat because they have huge insecurities and they need regular gratification for their ego.
Maybe the ow isn't as pretty as you (according to your bf and you) but she doesn't serve to be led on by him. You don't serve to be lied to and led on. In my opinion, your bf is the not so pretty one. He should be thinking of his family, providing for them, living them, not 'worrying' about this ow.

I assure you, this or worse will happen again. He will promise you everything. Your bf is no different from all the other liar and cheats because he's effectively denying the true responsibility of it all.
X

My guess is, he encouraged the idea of keeping your pregnancy and relationship secret do the ow

read the thread - the secrecy was the OP's wish

Women please try and be kind...... yes mistakes may have happened but someone is asking for advice on a heart breaking matter.!!!!!!

Right, so you think it's "kind" to say nothing, or there, there, or say fluffy words that mean nothing when someone says they're bringing a child into the world with someone who sounds like a complete spineless tosser, who lies and strings people along "for an easy life"? Where's that going to leave them when they have the same thing done to them?

Or is it better to highlight that they need to be a lot more selective about who they form a relationship with including children. And that goes for future relationships because I don't give the current one much chance of success and happiness by the OPs description.

He let her think that there was something between them for years, when actually he just saw her has an easy lay after a night out?
Nice chap.

(while also setting up home with and making a baby with another woman!)

* This story is an argument in favour of not* keeping relationships secret.

So much angst and misunderstanding. Let the oxygen of the truth into your life.

Sounds to me as if he was and is in a relationship of some form with her and in her eyes you are actually the OW. Personally I would call her tell her his version and ask her outright for hers. Oh and I'd chuck his skanky lying ass out of my home and get on with bringing my dc up alone you are going to end up there anyway with this man.

Your boyfriend is a liar and probably a cheat. You're also mean and petty.

She could be the worst person in the world, and yet he will always be more unattractive on all levels. In actuality, he's been involved with her for far longer than he has you, so chances are, he's More 'into it' than he's led you to believe.

Not much of what you're saying makes for the foundations for a happy, healthy home. I think you know you need to make changes.

I also hope, for her sake, she realises what a lucky escape she's had from him, he sounds hardwork and selfish - not someone you'd want to make a life with.

the way you have described this poor woman is utterly disgusting. She was rather unattractive in comparison to me and didnt have much of a personality yet he was happy to sleep with her - maybe she isn't as unattractive to him as you thought she was?

your partner is lying and possibly is still with her but he's being a coward about not telling you, presumably because he has a child with you and doesn't want to rock the boat - did you intend to have a child so quickly into the relationship? Either way - this is not a healthy relationship at all (especially for your child) as you sound insecure (and rightly so if he is seeing someone else)

Good luck OP.

Your post confused me, OP. What's with all the secrecy and blocking?! Just be honest.

Why can't he just message her saying he's in a serious relationship? Then they can just be friends with no expectations of more from her? Why does he have to block her and never speak to her again??

The whole thing sounds very bizarre.

I had heard rumours of him having been dating another coworker for the past 4/5 years

but she was rather unattractive in comparison and didn’t have much of a personality

He explained me from the start that he had slept with her and went on a few dates with her a few years back but he never wanted anything more
however she clung on to the idea of a relationship for years, frequently texting despite lack of replies etc. He claims he went along with it instead of shutting it down for an easy life

This is where you'll have a problem going forwards. He wasn't interested in a relationship with her, but she was fine as a FWB, yet he was unable to tell her this.

He could have easily lied and told her he was seeing someone back then (I've done it myself
rather than say I'm not interested) but he chose not to. He was a willing participant.

I hear this kind of thing a lot with MM in affairs, as the reason they couldn't end it...because the OW was clingy and wouldn't get the hint.

I discovered a texting a personal texting conversation to her

But nothing untoward, so going ballistic was extreme.

Whilst you say she's not comparable to you in attractiveness, you clearly see her as a threat, because you know your fiance found her attractive enough. In fact for a FWB/ Fk buddy, you really do need to find the person sexually attractive, or it defeats the objective.

More recently I discovered that it wasn’t just one set of text messages, but occasionally ones throughout the year, not untoward text messages but still keeping contact, once or twice a month

So although he and the family member have left, he's still keeping in contact with her.
That's because he wants to. He probably likes her as a person and as a F buddy, even though he'd never be in a relationship with her.

Well aren’t you the catty one, criticising her looks and personality?
He still likes her as much as he does you though, doesn’t he?

You’ve created a train wreck by having a baby with someone that you barely know, and what you did know is that he is a liar.

In answer to your specific AIBU, no - it’s absolutely fine to dump him for this.

But please - less of the bitchy comments about a woman who has done nothing wrong. Save them for your arsehole of a boyfriend.

Secrets and lies. And yes, by both of you. Keeping your relationship and baby a secret has led to him lying and trying to keep the peace and help his other family member.

Just be open about everything and stop with all the subterfuge.

I actually feel quite sorry for him, he is trying to keep everyone happy and obviously can’t.

You don't like him lying, but are ok with him and his family member lying about you and your pregnancy/relationship ?

For fucks sake, the man is such a liar. His whole bullshit account of his journey with this woman is laughable and I cannot believe that you believe it.

There might be a good reason the relationship was kept a secret... like it being an affair.

"read the thread - the secrecy was the OP's wish" just because that's what op's said doesn't make it true.

Certainly I'm sceptical that's genuinely the case. The op doesn't have a reason to want to keep the relationship and baby secret after leaving the original workplace and even then only if having a relationship with a colleague was against policy. I think it far more likely he wanted to keep it all secret in order to appear single and available.

It doesn't make sense op wanting to keep everything secret it just doesn't!

And as for getting snippy at myself and others for pointing out the foolishness of having a baby with someone she barely knew, that's a HUGELY irresponsible thing to have done and certainly I mentioned it in the context of ensuring contraception was as secure as possible from now on in order to avoid a 2nd child getting dragged into this mess!

Yes contraception can fail but it's also true that people don't always use it as well as they should AND KNOW HOW TO and even make a half hearted effort with

As pp said those of us responding have a wealth of life experience to draw on and we've seen/known people who are lax with contraception either because they're just careless OR because they're at least subconsciously hoping they'll get pregnant BUT be able to claim (even to themselves) it was an accident.

I first fell pregnant on the pill, taken completely correctly absolutely no intention of getting pregnant myself. The pregnancy sadly ended in mc which even I would argue could have been the best thing at the time, however painful, because I was only 18 and had split from the father (long term relationship but we'd outgrown each other) just a couple weeks before I knew I was pregnant.

Following that experience I was extremely careful with contraception, asked my dr to be put on a pill with an even higher efficacy, was even more careful about taking at the same time every day (even though there's supposedly a "window" of 12 hours I was never more than an hour late) plus used condoms too.

But I've also known women who've claimed to be on the pill but very lax taking it, and even who've been lying to their husbands/partners about taking it with the excuse that the husband/partner is dragging their heels about baby no2/3, which of course is outrageous behaviour but it happens. To pretend otherwise would be ridiculous!

I've been fortunate enough not, to my knowledge, have been close enough to anyone who has done this with baby 1 as the friendship wouldn't survive. But I know it happens.

It's not out of order given the mess this relationship is, to say to op that contraception needs to be as effective as possible.