To consider ending relationship over this??

[Breastfeedingmama]

Bit of a long one so thanks to anyone who reads it all!
So for background, myself and DH have been together for approx 1 year and 4 months (not married but engaged). We started dating and ended up moving in together after a few months and roughly a month later I was pregnant with DS, now 3 months.
When we met, through work, I had heard rumours of him having been dating another coworker for the past 4/5 years. Now this shocked me at the time due to a combination of; there was never any chemistry between them, they never seemed to speak about anything other than work, and also, excuse my lack of political correctness, but she was rather unattractive in comparison and didn’t have much of a personality 🙈. He explained me from the start that he had slept with her and went on a few dates with her a few years back but he never wanted anything more, however she clung on to the idea of a relationship for years, frequently texting despite lack of replies etc. He claims he went along with it instead of shutting it down for an easy life. When we started dating he hadn’t slept with her in over a year and that was a one off after a night out.
Problem is thus.. I left the job around about the time we moved in together and no one there knew we were together (both our choice) though he was still within the same company. He no longer saw the other coworker in work daily but still occasionally and over the phone for work. I accepted the situation wasn’t a relationship so told him I didn’t mind him not telling her we were together and just to not reply to her messages so he blocked her. Though in December shortly after DS was born, and about a 9 months since he “blocked her”, I discovered a texting a personal texting conversation to her, and obviously went ballistic. He explained that he only messaged her to bide time, keep the peace and make life easier regarding work(he was leaving the job with the month), both for him but even more so for a close family member of his that worked beneath her and he knew how difficult she’d make life for his family member at work(who was also leaving within the month). He agreed this it was utterly wrong for him to do and begged for my forgiveness. I accepted eventually as I understood that he had no intent to ever see her and it genuinely was for that reason, I also know 100% he hasn’t saw her out with work as the text messaged between them confirmed that.
More recently I discovered that it wasn’t just one set of text messages, but occasionally ones throughout the year, not untoward text messages but still keeping contact, once or twice a month.

So, AIBU for considering ending things for this? Part of me can’t shake the feeling of betrayal that he kept contact with an “ex”, particularly while I was pregnant. And the more rational part of me understand he made a stupid mistake that I truly believe he’d never make again, and he genuinely never had any intent to cheat on me. He is a good guy and this is the only issue we’ve ever had but it’s just created trust issues I’m struggling to shake.

Opinions please? And thank you to anyone who’s read to the end :)

personally, I wouldn't trust anything he tells you now OP.

As Supersimpkin said, he went from single and free to engaged and have a three month old in 16 months.

I highly doubt he’s at the “this is forever” stage in his mind and he’s probably keeping his options open. He probably isn’t cheating, but instead his brain almost certainly hasn’t fully adjusted to family life. I mean that’s QUICK. I know it happens, and that’s fine, but men typically need more of an adjustment period.

That said, he’s a liar and I’d be having words.

Bumblebeee69

Yes that was my thoughts too, I just wasn’t sure if I was being irrational through anger

The way you described the poor woman was disgusting.
Also, you can't have it both ways, be in a serious comitted relationship but have him act single at work. Of course if he's led her on for years she's going to continue persuing what she thinks is HER man, or at least an unattached one she has history with.
Considering he kept your relationship secret at work don't be surprised if/when it comes out they were more than he's admitted to you and acted similarly with that one.

Having a baby with someone you've dated for 3 months was stupidly irresponsible too, way too fast and now you're trapped in this mess and its the poor kid will suffer if it doesn't work out.

A person can make a mistake.
But he is proving to be a lier. repeatedly.
I hope you are not sat there ten years down the line wishing you had run now. I wasted a decade on a man who showed me he's a lier repeatedly in the first couple of years. I kept believing his bullshit excuses, some rather elaborate 🙄
He continued to lie all the way thru about various issues.

I'd like to say there not all the same but if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck he probably is!

Not that it's particularly relevant but it since has came out any many mutual coworkers have passed comment on how delusional she's been for years and how troublemaking she can be etc
And again, the post isn't about my child so please refrain from passing judgement there.

What I have posted is the side of the story I have been told. I wasn't looking for people give presumptions on the situation as it isn't exactly helpful, more looking for advice regarding the situation from my perspective

If I were you I would make sure everyone knows you two are a couple. Without that you're in some weird secret bubble and this girl will think she has a chance with a single guy that she once dated.

If he can't talk about his life at work, he might make a new fake life that involves him being single! You're 3 months pregnant, it's ok for him to tell his colleagues.

The fact he's sorry is good, but tell him you don't buy his reasons and excuses and you want and deserve the whole truth (esp as the mother of his future child). Tell him you're not judging and you want to know all, then go silent and wait for him to fill the void with words, you'd be surprised how well silence works to get the truth out after a big statement like that.

I suspect he's thinking of cheating but probably hasn't yet.

Good luck

I think you shouldn't believe him. His reasons sound like obvious lies, and he's lied to you before.

LTB.

You may think she's unattractive, but your OH found her attractive enough to date and have sex with her, so she can't be that bad.

If looks aren't her redeeming quality, she must have something else going for her, since your DP went back for more sex with her.

If the text messages are as basic as you say, then I wouldn't end the relationship over it, but I don't see why he wouldn't tell you about it all along.

You actually believe all this bullshit he's telling you? He just wanted an "easy life?" Please don't say you're truly this daft. He's a fucking liar. Any fool can see that.

From what you say, it sounds as if he never told her the relationship was over, so she still thinks there's something there to build on.

He sounds extremely weak, I don't think I'd want someone in my life who couldn't make it clear to a previous GF that their relationship was over for a quiet life or because he wanted a back up.

If you don't trust him at this point, that seems quite reasonable, and also makes it very hards for you to build a future with him.

Sounds like he's more into her than he let on. Also, if he was continuing the contact just to stop her from bullying a family member then why not mention any of that to you? Sounds like excuses to me.

I don't think you are being controlling but i do think you are insecure about your self and thus want him to make you feel secure - which can never happen of course since no one can help. make / prevent us feeling something- that is always inside ourselves and based on our own mindsets. I think you need to sit him down and ask for straight answers on the basis you wont go ballistic as you say - people generally lie to protect themselves - it doesn't make them bad people but it does mean they are forever unreliable and he doesn't sound very confident or stable either but it is very difficult to judge either party here with so little and one sided info to go on. I would sincerely suggest you get some relationship counselling and start to develop some communication skills which will help your relationship grow rather than throw it all away too quickly - there is your son to consider too here

You got pregnant and took this relationship too seriously too quickly when there were red flags a go go. He is a liar. I realise it's considered bad form on here to point out after the horse has bolted so to speak, but why on earth did you have a child with someone you barely knew?

OP I'll put it straight,. This excuse of a man told you who he was by his actions, yet you still formed a relationship with him and somehow expect him to be different with you,

You've spent most of your OP repeating that he did stuff "for an easy life". Look forward to your life with him being the same, everything he will do will be for an easy life. He can't even conduct his relationships honestly and honourably, does that not give you a clear message who he is?

You've certainly set your bar low, haven't you.

It’s not unreasonable to swap occasional ‘how are you’ texts with an ex, but no, it’s not ok to lie about it. But I think that’s only a part of the issue here isn’t it.
It sounds like he was stringing her along for years. And he basically told you “I was only shagging her because it was easier than telling her I didn’t really like her” Bollocks. And now “I’m only in touch with her again because she’s a bunny boiler” Bollocks again. He never really broke it off with her, and that’s unfair on her. And essentially she’s still (I’m assuming) under the impression that’s he’s free and single? And has just been ignoring her for the past year for no real reason?

YABU, controlling, irrational and insecure.

You’re forcing him to keep his relationship with you a secret, meaning he couldn’t explain he was now engaged and a father to a woman he clearly had feelings for and found attractive enough to sleep with. Had you not forced this there would have been some closure and this issue probably would never have arisen.

Not only that but you are an extremely unpleasant person. Read back on the things you have said about her. If you’ve expressed any of this to your DP you will be sinking your relationship yourself as he will have lost respect for you; jealousy and insecurity are not attractive traits.

He shouldn’t have lied, but you practically strong armed him into doing so. There’s nothing wrong with exchanging meaningless texts with an ex, and you “going ballistic” over them is ridiculous. Yes, I know you’ll say it was because he lied but that’s an excuse as deep down you know you caused this and don’t want to accept it.

You can’t have it both ways; you can’t have him appearing single at work yet engaged and a father at home.

You rushed into this without knowing each other, and now you’re considering ending the relationship over a situation you helped to engineer. The only one who is going to suffer here is your poor child for being dragged into this mess.

I think it sounds as if he was keeping the chance of sex with her open, before your relationship began. It is possible he still is, or perhaps not.

You probably need to have a calm conversation about this and your expectations. You do sound a bit controlling - I hope you are feeling all right after the birth of your baby. It can be very stressful and you can lose perspective somewhat.

he sounds weak and you do sound controlling. it is not unusual to have some occasional contact with an ex and I would not like it if a new partner would tell me I wasn't allowed the occasional text anymore.

also, your relationship and pregnancy is beyond weird - was this your decision too to keep it a secret?

I also do not understand the comment in relation to her lack of attractiveness.

Women please try and be kind...... yes mistakes may have happened but someone is asking for advice on a heart breaking matter.!!!!!!
It’s hard for you to hear with a new baby to look after but every single person is basically saying he is no good so get rid as soon as you can.
Your choice but if you don’t I think you face years of worry, torment and tears !

I doubt he will ever stop lying "for an easy life". And the more you try to control him the more that will justify him lying (in his mind) because he won't want the hassle of you going ballistic. He doesn't consider the long-term consequences of his actions or the effect they will have on other people.

Presumably, as you have a baby your relationship is no longer a secret? Have all the job changes happened now? If you want to give him another chance that's up to you. Being a single parent can be tough but if you stay with him you have to put this behind you and he has to step up and be committed.

Why can't he just announce at work via email that he's engaged to the mother of his child and ensure that information gets to his ex? I'm confused by the secrecy but anyway I wouldn't leave him over this but I would be having a serious chat with him and I'd ask him to make sure the ex and everyone else in his world knew his relationship status ASAP. Then if she still continues to contact him it's a different matter.

I agree your relationship/family needs to be made public/known. Seems to be a lot of secrets and excuses/reasons. You can put an end to that now and move forward together. then see what the future brings.

This is what happens when you rush into having a baby with someone you don’t know very well. 🤷🏿‍♀️