What should I do?

[SarahLea3]

So my daughter is 11 and has a friend round for the night. Its a usual thing. She has a friend round most weekends for a night or 2 depending on the friend. I have just been up to check on them and as I went up she hid something. After asking 3 times what she was hiding she pulled out some empty packets. I thought maybe the friend had brought them so I asked where she got them and she said downstairs. She had taken packets of biscuits out of the snack box downstairs. We always say if they are hungry they can eat whenever they want but it must be healthy so fruit or a yoghurt. I asked her why she stole them and she just shrugged as she didn't know what to say. I told her if she had asked I would have said yes but she stole them which was naughty. She has always been so good, and I mean amazingly good.she does as she's told, no backchat etc. But she has started getting sneaky. She took some dvds off my shelf a few weeks ago and took them to her friends without asking. They weren't appropriate for their age. I don't know what to do as never had to deal with it. I told her off and said she wasn't having anyone over for the next 2 weekends and I've taken her phone. What can I do to get it drummed in that she can't just start taking things. I told her I need to trust her and if she carries on I won't be able to. Or am I just completely over reacting?!

she’s allowed a snack as long as it’s something healthy like fruit

Wow, lucky thing

I think that part of the fun of having a friend over is a “ midnight feast” and that is SO much more fun if you sneak the food.
Sneaking your possessions is not good though, so start by really talking it through with her, let her know exactly what’s expected where other peoples/ common possessions are concerned. If she still tries it give consequences that matter to her, and stick to them.

Way ott. I thought it was going to be fags or something bad.

You know your kids will be the ones in the shop before school buying a full pack of biscuits to munch. We had a strict mum with junk food. All 3 of us now have enviable junk food cupboards with free reign for the kids ( within reason obviously) and love it now it's not policed.

I can always spot the visiting kids who have had a no junk food Mum. They love coming over.

I think two punishments is excessive, but I also think you’re getting a bit of a hard time. Having a rule that they can help themselves to healthy snacks but they need to ask before having unhealthy snacks like crisps or biscuits doesn’t sound unreasonable to me, but that does have to stop at some point. Is she year 6 or 7?

I am basing this on assuming you mean two full size packets of chocolate biscuits though (so a whole packet each), not two little lunchbox bags

I don't think it is an overreaction if your child intentionally breaks a known rule, no matter how trivial the rule seems to you; the child knew she shouldn't do it and that's why she hid it - the dishonesty would upset me, personally, more than the biscuits. Say the biscuits cost £2 - if the kid had dipped into mum's purse and taken £2 without asking would that be OK?

If she wanted biscuits (or £2) she could have just asked, but she chose to take them knowing it was against the rules. I'd be super disappointed, and I would have told her so.

I think yabu. And creating food issues.

She (and friend) have eaten several packets of biscuits on top of dinner, cake and sweets!!!???

I'd be worried they were going to be sick.

Seriously thought you were going to say it was drugs.

11 year olds and biscuits though is really not a big deal.

This isn't the first thread I've seen of late on here where the majority of responses are along the lines of 'kids should be allowed to help themselves to whatever food they like, it's their home'.
Yes it's their home and they shouldn't be begrudged food if they are hungry, but also I don't think they should be allowed to take whatever they fancy without asking! I was never allowed to grab whatever I fancied whenever I fancied and I was lucky enough that my parents had no money worries with regard replacing things or a budget to speak of.
I am on a budget and my kids know they can't just have whatever they want as and when as it's usually earmarked for something like a meal and I will need to find money to replace it.
If nothing else, being on a budget or whatever aside, I think it's good manners to just say "can I have these?" Or "we are taking these biscuits for a snack"
I don't think that's a lot to ask...? 😐

Was it a lot of shit food in one day? Probably.
Will it kill her?
No.
Is the hiding and sneaking annoying?
Yes.

But if you start by taking her phone and banning her from sleepovers for two weeks then what will you do when she does something really wrong? Something that actually needs to be punished? It will need to be bigger, the punishment has to fit the crime and you gave started way way too harshly here

It maybe sounds like she thought you’d say no, wanted to have the customary sleepover snacks, possibly wanted to be cool in front of her friends and didn’t want to have to say “mum says we can only have fruit or a yoghurt”?

When my daughter has a sleepover I get special snacks in for them as a treat, then they can go raid the kitchen for what they fancy. All part of the sleepover fun, and allows them to feel a bit more free/grown up without having to ask. (The rest of the time she checks whether I’ve got food earmarked for a recipe/how long she’s got before dinner etc before she raids the cupboards; she can eat what she wants but is considerate and doesn’t use up things that I need or ruin her appetite - it works for us both).

She shouldn’t be lying to you, but it sounds like you might need to relax a little too. Your punishment seems a bit excessive (especially if you consider that she might have been trying to save face when she has a strict mum). Can you both meet in the middle somewhere? You could be heading for one hell of a rebellion if you can’t!

YABU, and so controlling and restrictive you will create food issues with your daughter that could lead to a serious eating disorder.

Fastest way to make kids have eating disorders !

No she shouldn't have taken them.

But two weekends and confiscation of her phone is OTT.

Serveral packs of chocolate covered biscuits an hour after dinner which included a generous slice of cake for pudding and sweets after school. Pretty sure I'm aloud to limit crap food if I feel the need.

Well generally yes that's a parent's job, but balance is key here. She has a sleepover and they wanted to relax and munch chocolate biscuits. It's also fun to feel a bit "naughty" swiping something you shouldn't. This is really NOT crime of the century and your punishments are an overreaction. Start with a gentle chat when her friend has gone, about the fact that you want to be able to trust her and about the fact that you want her to stay healthy.
Personally I'd loosen the reins when a friend comes round but make it clear that this is a treat day.

Example of my 11 year old dd and friend sleeping overs food.

After school snack, -crisps, biscuits, yoghurt( if there's good ones) or maybe a ice lolly

Whatever we're having for tea, would make a effort to make something I know will be eaten. Pudding after

Once the little ones have gone to bed they will melt chocolate and use a candle to roast marshmallows and dip in chocolate with strawberries and grapes.
They can add squirty cream sauce whatever.

Probably some sweets up in the bedroom later.

Maybe Mac Donald's breakfast if I'm feeling flush as a special treat if they haven't pissed me off during the sleepover!

She’s just enjoying being a bit naughty and pushing boundaries. It’s not like it’s harmful. Let her be.

Massive overreaction. When you said packets I was thinking it was going to be something bad like bags holding alcohol or some cigarettes.

She took biscuits. She’s 11 and it’s a Friday night. Jesus wept 😂

You're well intentioned, but you're leading her down a path of issues with food when she's older. Filling up on the forbidden foods she was banned from as a child.
Relax the rules

You're very lucky to have such a well behaved child. Cut her some slack, she sounds lovely. Let the poor girl have some fun with her friend. Remember what that is do you? Maybe you should try it some time OP.

Huge over reaction, massive. Wow. What would you do if she was smoking? Lock her in a cupboard?
Unless money is an issue and those biscuits were specifically to be issued under strict rationing, I would give her a break. Just tell her to ask first next time.
Why have a snack box of biscuits if she’s not allowed to snack on them? Is it your secret snack box and that why you’re so mad?

Please do not shame her in front of her friend. You can chat to her tomorrow when friend is gone.
As DC enter adolescence it's important to discuss rather than punish.
Maybe when she goes to her friends house she sees them having snacks freely and wants to be the same.

I was going to say more or less what @BirdieInTheHand said. Geez can't she just have the biscuits and have fun without it being made into an unnecessary drama.

I thought you were going to say you’d caught her with a bottle of JD and a bag of skunk...........

When you said packets I was thinking what ... cigarettes, how awful. Biscuits I wouldn’t care and my daughter wouldn’t need to steal them or feel naughty.