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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that my friends daughter gets away with a lot.

43 replies

Yolo89 · 15/03/2019 12:14

I spend a lot of time looking after DD friend, and have come to really dislike her. She is quite mean to my DD, always trying to keep her out of conversations with other friends (I've seen it first hand many times) and trues to exclude DD. Unless it is just the both of them ( they go to lots of after school activities) then she says DD is her best friend. I find her as a person very sneaky, charming to get her way and I know she lies. They are 9. It is unavoidable they hang around together - not sure how to deal with her? I get very upset when she excludes DD and somehow tries to blame her. How should I handle her?

OP posts:

7yo7yo · 15/03/2019 12:23

Stop looking after her and tell your friend exactly why.
Have your daughters back.

pippistrelle · 15/03/2019 12:25

You don't handle her at all: she's not your issue. Focus on boosting your own daughter's self-esteem and willingness to tolerate bad friends. But I would indulge in some social engineering to reduce the amount of time they spend together,

Loopytiles · 15/03/2019 12:26

Why is it unavoidable?

Don’t look after her - doing so won’t help your DD, or the girl.

Easterbunnyiscomingsoon · 15/03/2019 13:09

When she is at your home, helicopter dm style. Pull her up on any behaviour you don't like.
Every time.

Limensoda · 15/03/2019 13:22

Does your DD get upset? How does she handle it?
As someone else said, work with your daughter on her self esteem.
Make sure you aren't being over sensitive where your dd is concerned.
I knew a woman who thought the slightest thing, was someone being mean to her dd, when in fact her dd was just the same.

PodgeBod · 15/03/2019 13:26

Are you providing paid childcare? Stop looking after her if you can, it sounds really horrible for your DD. If you can't stop, you really need to be keeping a close eye and telling off the girl when she is unkind.

jennymalone · 15/03/2019 13:27

She is quite mean to my DD
always trying to keep her out of conversations with other friends
trues to exclude DD
very sneaky, charming to get her way
I know she lies.

why aren't you insulating & protecting your child from this girl?
why is it unavoidable?

you seem to be enabling more time than necessary between them - fine if they happen to be in the same class at school, go to similar activities, etc, but that doesn't need to extend into optional time where you have control as a parent.

in fact this girl sounds like a bully. don't you think it's worse for your DD when an adult isn't around? Or, put another way - if she's like this in the presence of adults, why wouldn't you think she's worse without an adult around?

i sincerely hope you aren't putting up with this bullying of your DD in order to keep in with a friend.

i'd be withdrawing my DD, telling the friend that you don't think the girls are getting along, and step back. put your DD's needs first here!

Redwinestillfine · 15/03/2019 13:29

Agree. Pull her up on her behaviour and separately talk to your dd about controlling behaviour and how to respond to it and sit back and watch the penny drop. Read little girls can be mean by Michelle Anthony, useful tips to help her though this.

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 15/03/2019 13:30

If she's horrible to your DD, why are you still looking after her?
Tell your friend what her DD's like and that you won't be doing it anymore.

Limensoda · 15/03/2019 13:33

why aren't you insulating & protecting your child from this girl?
why is it unavoidable?

Her DD hangs around with this girl, presumably by choice. OP is the one distressed not her Dr as far as she has said.
I think it's a bad idea to over protect a child as you suggest. Children do have to learn how to deal with these things without always being rescued.
When she's grown she will have to deal with lots of different people. They won't all be nice.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/03/2019 13:45

I agree that you should stop looking after this girl.
They might have to hang around together at school and clubs, but that doesn't mean your DD should lose her only "safe space" (home) to her as well.

Find a reason why it's no longer convenient, if you don't want to tell the mother straight that her daughter is being manipulative.

ruthieness · 15/03/2019 13:49

Does your daughter notice what is happening? Does she think she has to be "kind" and put up with being treated like this?

I think I would try to teach my daughter that this is not how friends behave and perhaps some techniques to challenge "unfriendly" behaviour.

Mookatron · 15/03/2019 13:52

I'm finding 9 - 10 very tricky friendswise. I would keep in your mind that your DD is likely to be just as irritating but in a different way. However, I've decided just to take my DD's side in all this and be guided by her - ask your DD if she wants you to stop having the other kid over, and if she says yes then act accordingly. Otherwise carry on as is and let DD deal until she asks for help. It's bloody hard though I know.

Original poster

Yolo89 · 15/03/2019 13:53

Thanks for all your responses - they are really, really helpful!

So to give a bit more info, taking care of her at the moment would be quite difficult for reasons I cant go into on here.

So at the moment I need to manage the situation which has seemed to escalate over the past week..DD is upset in the moment but can also brush it off quickly. But I really dont like some of the behaviour which I see (the mum.doesnt as she is not there) and I guess when she is in my care it is up to me to moniter.

I am going to try and limit how much she sees her bit as I said some is unavoidable at thus stage.

Just a case of careful monitoring at the moment.

It is frustrating as no other mums really see her true colours. They think she is a girl who will grow up and get what she wants and they say this in a positive way!

OP posts:

Original poster

Yolo89 · 15/03/2019 13:56

ruth yes she notices as she is being kept oyt of private convetsations but mostly she doesnt let it get to her. She has othet lovely friends who I tell her to hang out with instead. My DD is not perfect but she isnt a manipulator and she includes people.

OP posts:

mummyodell · 15/03/2019 13:57

Have you actually asked your DD if she likes this person? I only say this because, my DD had a "best friend" that she didn't actually like very much at all. Due to habit they were just together all the time! One day I asked the question and my DD said NO, I don't, she's mean to me. I then encouraged positive friendships and slowly the friendship groups changed.

Original poster

Yolo89 · 15/03/2019 13:57

mooka - really tricky hey. Thank you - I think it is wise advice! I know my DD good traits and we work on making them shine through.

OP posts:

BoomBoomsCousin · 15/03/2019 13:59

If this other girl’s parents are aware of what she is like then you could work with them on gently confronting the girl when she is mean like that, giving her other ways to handle her feelings and helping her be inclusive when there are other friends around.

But I doubt there’s an effective way to “handle it” if you aren’t prepared to make it possible for your DD to get away from this girl so much. Ideally you would move some of your DD’s after school activities so they aren’t going to the same ones as much. Start asking DD’s other friends around more without this girl to help boost those friendships. Stop looking after the girl - tell her parents it’s not good for either of them to be forced into friendship at the moment.

It sounds like it’s possible she may feel forced into being friends with your DD to some extent and have fallen into poor habits to try and counter that (this may not be the case, I’m just pointing out that the situation may not be great for her either, but she’s found a way to handle it that pushes the costs of forced friendship onto your DD).

kaitlinktm · 15/03/2019 13:59

Ha, plus ça change and all that - I remember similar as a child growing up in the 60s. A similar mean girl friend (primary age). There was nobody else locally of my age so my mother (as she told me years later) felt she had to encourage the friendship even though she "never liked the child". The girl used to threated to go home if I didn't let her have her own way, and I always gave in - until one day I didn't, much to my mother's surprise ... and she went home.

She told me all this later, as I said, but I wish she had said something at the time - either to me along the lines of "you don't have to put up with this you know, we could do x, y and z instead", or by suggesting things/ways I could stand up for myself, or to her by telling her she couldn't always have her own way, or that she was being mean.

Things changed when we went to secondary school and we drifted apart naturally as really we had not very much in common.

Have your daughter's back OP - she will always remember it.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/03/2019 14:00

I don't understand why you'd want to take care of someone who's mean to your DD.

Your poor DD, you should totally have her back in this. Every time this girl does something mean, call her out on it; "That's not very kind." "That's not how we behave in this house." "That's not a nice way to behave."

Teach your daughter how to stand up for herself too.

christinarossetti19 · 15/03/2019 14:14

I'm going to guess that you're looking after this girl a lot because her mum is ill or going through a tough time.

Which is very kind of you, but not really okay if it's to the overall detriment of your own dd.

Your focus needs to be in your own dd's well-being. Is she overall happy with the friendship? Is she comfortable with this girl spending so much time with you both? How would she like things to be different?

If it is truly unavoidable you looking after this girl a lot at the moment, your dd needs to understand why this is happening and, importantly, have an opportunity to express her experiences and feelings about the situation.

LillianRose10 · 15/03/2019 14:18

Tell your child how amazing and loved she is. Teach her about the signs of bullying and how wrong it is. Make sure to boost her confidence and self worth. The younger you start the better. Also tell the childs mother in a nice calm way, that you have noticed some situations and if she could have a word with her daughter and put a stop to it. If it continues after the chat then don't look after her anymore. Who cares if she doesn't like it. Your childs well being is more important.

Chocolatedeficitdisorder · 15/03/2019 14:19

I don't think you can change anything about this girl, but you can slowly arm your daughter with strategies to deal with her friend's behaviour, or anyone else who is being unkind to her. Self-esteem and confidence will help your daughter to assert herself.

LillianRose10 · 15/03/2019 14:22

Also if you witness the child doing something in your home confront and say "we don't allow bullying/fighting/exclusion in our home"

BeGoodTanya · 15/03/2019 14:27

If you're childminding her at the moment, that gives you quite a lot of power for reinforcing messages that bad behaviour of type x is not tolerated in your home. As well as arming your daughter with strategies for dealing with bitchiness and bullying, obviously, and boosting her self-esteem.

But frankly, even if this child's mother is seriously ill in hospital or something, I'd still be looking at ending the arrangement if it's having a bad effect on your daughter. She needs to be your priority.

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