to think that my friends daughter gets away with a lot.

[Yolo89]

I spend a lot of time looking after DD friend, and have come to really dislike her. She is quite mean to my DD, always trying to keep her out of conversations with other friends (I've seen it first hand many times) and trues to exclude DD. Unless it is just the both of them ( they go to lots of after school activities) then she says DD is her best friend. I find her as a person very sneaky, charming to get her way and I know she lies. They are 9. It is unavoidable they hang around together - not sure how to deal with her? I get very upset when she excludes DD and somehow tries to blame her. How should I handle her?

Stop taking care of her, shes not your daughter you have no responsibility towards her or her Mum. Just tell the Mum today its stopping from now on. You have to many other commitments etc and are too busy to continue etc.
Its time for your daughter to branch out and do other thing away from this girl.

I agree with others, I think in confronting the behaviour head on. Friends means friends all the time. If you want to be friends then you shouldn't exclude as soon as others are there.

I think friendship is way WAY overemphasised in importance for girls. My DD was upset because she doesn't think of anyone in her music group as a best friend there...and it took me a long time to unpick that everything from 'Just add magic' to the horrendous MLP has put it in her head that everyone NEEDS a set of best buddies they are inseparable from...in EVERY activity based group they go to!

I had to sit down and explain to her that not having a 'can't be separated from' group of buddies isn't actually a sign of personal failure or in fact something that most people aspired to at all. Some do, many don't.

Anyway....the point is you can spend time with people without having to be best friends, as long as you are polite.

I am wondering whether the reason you are currently having to look after her may have anything to do with her behaviour? (Eg mum gone back to work, marital issues, sick sibling/parent).

DS has a friend whose personality changed temporarily for the worse due to upheaval in his family life.

Have you ever spoken to the girl and pointed out that she's being unkind?

When I was aged 9, there were lots of girls like your DD's friend. Most friend groups had one from primary school up to age 16 and probably still do. Not out and out bullying just spite and meanness and one upmanship.
These girls were either tolerated for a while or dumped with no adult interference.

This other child sounds like a manipulator. I remember there being one like that in my dc's class.
Just make sure your dd knows that she doesn't have to be friends with this girl if she doesn't want to, or if she doesn't like the way the other girl treats her. Just be polite and nice to her, but hang out with other friends instead.

Be open, vocal and upfront. Every single time.

Not ‘you are being mean’ but very specific- you are excluding DD and that is not very nice of you. How would you feel if this was done to you? You can’t leave them alone together if one is bullying the other.

Boost your DD a lot. Tell her what is right and wrong, but the best way is by showing.

Otherwise you are effectively putting your own Daughter with a bully and she can’t say No. only you can by stopping looking after her. You have a duty of emotional care to your DD.

I was in a similar situation when my DC was in early primary. It was the thin end of the wedge and they began relying on me more and more as unpaid childcare using emotional blackmail. Their DC was exactly the same. Unpleasant and quite rude. The family were not even grateful for helping them at a difficult time.
I had to shut down the arrangement (no mumsnet at the time!)
I did my best to stand up for my DC but it was'nt enough and all my DCS dreaded this child's visits.
I do feel in your situation you need to end the arranagment so your DC does not have to put up with this behaviour at home. My worry would be that the other child would use this to increase her hold over your DC at school too.
I agree with Orange cookie about being vocal Picking on people can become a habit to some children.

I was in a similar position last year although the girls were 10/11. The girl would be lovely as anything to DD on the day of the week she needed to be at ours after school but was actually vile to DD once she got here and at school every day she wasn't coming to ours. It really affected DDs mental health and I did have to put a stop to her coming in the end. I had parents question me as to why I wasn't helping the mum out any more so I told the truth. Not one other parent believed this little girl was as I described as she was so sickly sweet, funny and kind in front of everyone else.

I'm glad I stopped having her over as DD was able to distance herself more at school and made other friends.

Honestly, there is no valid reason (other than cancer or another serious illness) to be taking care of this child if it's negatively affecting your daughter. So unless it's that, I'd be contacting her mother and saying that alternate arrangements will need to be made.

If that's not possible, I'd be sitting this child down privately and telling her that her behaviour towards DD will not be tolerated and she better knock it off or she'll be spending her entire time at your house on restriction.

Having a similar issue with a friend of my 9 year old DD. This girl seems to pick up on whatever DD is having a problem with at school and will then bring it up in conversation endlessly! When she was behind in music lesson, this girl waited at the entrance to the playground in the morning and then asked "Have you been practising DD? Oh DD, you know you're behind and you're holding us all back. The music teacher will fire you from the group" or currently as DD is behind with times tables "Where are you on the tables teaching online program leader board DD? Which times tables do you know? Do you know your 8 times tables? What is one times 8? 8! What is 2 times 8? 16" All the time firing questions at her really quickly, giving her no time to think and making her feel awful. We live close together so we often walk home together and DD is so deflated by the time she gets home.

I wasn't surprised when another Mum from school told me that she'd actually asked for her DD to be moved away from this child as she was ruining her self esteem and leading making her hate school.

I'm certainly not encouraging them to play together right now but the girl seems to latch onto DD at school.

Thanks everyone again - it is really really helpful to hear all your points of view!

So to answer a few questions...this situation has not been so bad until this week. Which is why I havent had to step in. It hasnt really been a problem. Just the odd thing here and there. But this week it has been bad and yes as she has been in my care I have stepped in and stuck up for DD. i felt like I was overstepping the mark a bit getting involved but also felt very sad for DD on her behalf being left out. If the mum.wasnt there i would not have said anything but she wasnt. I have since talked to DD about it all and how to handle it. DD is ok and strong but I am going to closely moniter it. I asked her how it went today and to tell me if anything else is said.

As a few have said, I cant change the situation at moment due to exceptionsl circumstances but will limit contact at tye moment

I also will say that some of her behaviour may be attributable to her family going thriugh a difficult time but this behaviour was all there beforehand also..The childcare is mainly in the form of taking to activties with a bit of childcare in tue home but not all the time..I would have raised what happened yesterday with the mum, bit this was not the time - wholly inappropriate at the moment.

@Blatherskite and what are you doing to protect your daughter?
I would tell
The other girl she can’t walk home with you. Your poor DD.

@Yolo89
It’s a shame there’s exceptional circumstances but I would not help
Anyone if there was a chance of my child being hurt mentally or emotionally.

@7yo7yo On the occasion with the music lesson chat I'm afraid I snapped (it hadn't been the first thing) and said "Oh xx, please don't make DD feel bad" at which point she wandered off.

She was in our car for the times table chat and I said "I don't think DD wants to talk about it" and then on the way home when she started again challenged her to find something nice and encouraging to say rather than something negative. She couldn't do it but did stop.

We do walk home together a lot less frequently now since I've noticed her behaviour and I did have a chat with DD the other day and encouraged her to just say "I don't want to talk about it" and then ignore her if she starts being mean. Unfortunately they share a friendship group and quite a few activities so avoiding her completely isn't possible. They also live very close to us.

The thing of it is, no matter what's going on with this little girl's family, you must put your own DD first. At 7, she's too young to really understand 'we're putting up with this because XXX is having a bad time'. All she'll see is that you keep subjecting her to this little girl's meanness!

I really think you need to find some way to stop the help you're giving or step up and treat this little girl the exact same way you'd treat your own if she were being so mean to another girl. And if that means telling her off in a very stern way, so be it!

So you are looking after the child because her family need the childcare, not because your daughter wanted to invite her round? I've always had different rules in this different situation. I imagine professional childminders do too.

If your daughter has invited a friend over then she is expected to play with her and be available the whole time. If it is a childcare arrangement then ideally they should be able to spend time apart. So your daughter could go off to her bedroom if she wanted, saying that she wants some time alone, leaving the other child to occupy herself in another part of the house. Likewise, space permitting, I tell visiting children which parts of my house are on offer to them in case they want to relax alone.

If your daughter confides in you that her "friend" is annoying her but that she doesn't feel comfortable stepping away, you might intervene by inventing something which you require her to do. "Sorry Sarah, but Kate hasn't tidied her bedroom yet so she can't play with you just now. You can watch TV or do some drawing while she goes to do that."