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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My friend talks about my child.....

92 replies

mummyodell · 15/03/2019 11:08

My friend has a child the same age as mine, they are now in the same class at school. She is constantly telling me tales her child has told her about mine and usually it's not very nice. Her child is of course, perfect, the one time a few years ago I asked her about something my child had told me she just said. Didn't happen. Which means my child is a liar! Since that time, I have never told or asked my friend anything my child has told me. Even when I feel really angry at some of the things she is saying to me. She even texts me sometimes with what her child has told her has been going on. Does this happen to anyone else?

OP posts:
Zilla1 · 15/03/2019 12:02

If you want a quiet life, then quietly distance yourself as most posters have suggested.

I could not send the following myself but if you want to light a blue touch paper and can cope with the fallout then a quick way to put a stop to this at the cost of an explosion would be to reply to the next incident that you are sure is wrong with something along the lines of,

'Have checked with school/other parents and, as with the previous incidents, it didn't happen. I'm so worried for you both. I wonder why your child feels the need for more attention by making things up. You know your child better than anyone but have you thought of spending more time with your DC doing positive things so they feel a little more secure? Sending you hugs and expect things will improve for you both quickly.

mummmy2017 · 15/03/2019 12:03

We played a someone like this
It cost her a heck of a lot of money, my child decided to tell the other child about her Disney 3 week holiday in Florida...
House with a pool, flying first class...
I had no idea my 9 year old was saying this until the mum phoned to tell me they were flying out, as she had booked and pay for the holiday, asking which date I was booking...
I took great joy in telling her, what you meant the fantasy holiday, my child loves planning for fun...
I did heard when she came home it had not be worth the money. .

Original poster
mummyodell · 15/03/2019 12:11

Zilla1 - This made me lol and I am so tempted....
mummy2017 - Love this! Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
mummyodell · 15/03/2019 12:13

Thanks for your comments, you are all right! I have remembered things that I had forgotten - She used to invite the assumed clever kids round to play after school to see which book band they were on! I think this is more about her than the children!

OP posts:
BollocksToBrexit · 15/03/2019 12:13

I constantly get messages from my friend about what DS is up to in school, but not like you get. Mine usually go along the lines of 'Saw MiniBTB at school today do x, omg he's so funny, he had everyone in stitiches'. Or 'My DS said MiniBTB helped him with his maths today, he's so clever, you must be so proud'. Kind of thing.

Your 'friend' doesn't sound like much of a friend by comparison.

MRex · 15/03/2019 12:16

I love @Zilla1's reply. Do it, do it, do it!

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 15/03/2019 12:18

I would keep pushing it back to her and not engage "You should take that up with the school, they are in the best position to know the facts". If she says that you should do something about it then tell her that it happened in school so it should be dealt with in school. Give the impression that you couldn't be any less interested in her DD's tales.

Collaborate · 15/03/2019 12:21

Next time she tells you what her child has said perhaps tell her some of the things your child has said about her, and ask whether you should believe your child as she seems to believe hers.

steppemum · 15/03/2019 12:25

Blink1982

I have a very similar situation, only it is ongoing. 3 times she has screamed in my child's face that she is bullying her child. One time my child was alone at the playground and she was so agressive (and swearing) that another mother came to tell me and we reported it to the police. Twice it was in front of an adult and the head escorted her off the premises.
School are baffled. The girls are alternatively friends and enemies, all incidents are tit for tat, all low scale stuff, sometimes from one side sometimes from the other, all minor
(eg one time when my dd was supposed to have punched hers and school did nothing, so she screamed at dd in the playground, it turns out her dd elbowed mine, and mine poked her back and the teacher said - 'girls stop it' and they did!)

Her dd has been caught out lying and accusing my dd (eg she was supposed to have hurt the younger brother in the playground, when she was inside helping tidy up) but according to mum she never lies and it is my dd who causes trouble.
dd is now year 6 and the very best thing is they will be going to different schools, and we will be well away from batshit mother.

Some parents are just in cloud cuckoo land when it comes to their dcs

BlueMerchant · 15/03/2019 12:38

Eurgh. I know the 'type'. I had one such school mum 'friend'. Trying to compete and sending texts saying things like " my DD is on level 5 reading book. My dd says your DD is only on 4. Why?" and saying "your DD tried to get my DD into trouble today! DD said so" etc etc etc. Sad thing was my DD was way ahead at school and this woman (it became apparent over the months) was obviously jealous as she had a boring life and a badly behaved dd with dreadful manners so she tried to drag my DD down.
I told her to take it up with the school and started totally ignoring the texts and being busy when she tried to invite herself and awful child to my house( we were never invited to her home).She rarely bothers me now. At school pick up I just smile.

Hamandcrispsandwich · 15/03/2019 12:48

I knew two people like this. One had a son who was so 'gifted' that she was told at every parents evening since reception that he could sit his GCSE's tomorrow and would get straight A's. Her child was always better than everyone elses. He was also an incredibly rude little boy and every single time he was rude, she'd sit, smile sweetly and say 'See, he's just so adorable, I am so lucky to have this clever boy as my son'

Another one who had a DD who could do no wrong. She was caught multiple times pushing children into walls, stamping all over their feet, spitting in the playground, damaging peoples coats/uniform/bags. Every single time someone complained about her child, she would scream and shout in the playground, scream at parents, scream at children, wait for them outside the gates.

I don't speak to either of them anymore and i'm so glad!

M3lon · 15/03/2019 13:04

zilla that is evil genius levels of passive aggressive! Sent chills down my spine!

Easterbunnyiscomingsoon · 15/03/2019 13:14

Be prepared for secondary school. I had a dm stand ranting on my doorstep for an hour about how awful my dd had treated her ds.
Apparently he can't eat /sleep and is too embarrassed to go to school after he cried when dd dumped him.
They are 12 btw...
I think I was just too tired (7pm on a Fri after a long week) and too stunned to shut the door in her face!!

Yabbers · 15/03/2019 13:31

I’m the other mum except I haven’t said anything. Other mum (who I know but we’re not at the friend stage) talks a lot about how brilliant her daughter is and how nice and kind and sensitive. This girl has been a real PITA not only to my DD but to others in the group. There’s a lunchtime group they are all in which everyone wants to leave because of this girl’s behaviour. The mum simply wouldn’t believe this girl is capable of it.

I wouldn’t dismiss it as gossip. Kids tell tales all the time, but notice how those kids are never our kids.

Raspberrytruffle · 15/03/2019 13:36

Just repeat in a jokey manner, no one likes a snitch then ignore Wink

Original poster
mummyodell · 15/03/2019 13:47

Yabbers - Most of the things have/probably have happened, some of the things she tells me about don't involve her child at all. It's every little thing. Your DD didn't eat her lunch today. My DD said your DD was upset today. My DD said your DD finds maths tricky. My DD said your DD had her name moved onto the rain cloud for talking etc etc. My DD said your DD fell out with X today. I could go on on and on and on. One time she told me that my DD had been really cruel to X. I went in to see the teacher and made a complete fool of myself as she had no idea what I was talking about!!

OP posts:
twoshedsjackson · 15/03/2019 14:04

I don't think you did make a complete fool of yourself,mummyodell, if it's any consolation. Rather, you have inadvertently drawn attention to what is going on - or confirmed the teacher's suspicions.
We used to say to parents, "If you promise to take what your child says about school with a pinch of salt, we promise to do the same about what your child says about what's going on at home," (Blushes at the memory of baffled mummy wondering why I was congratulating her about the forthcoming happy event; her daughter was so desperate to be a big sister, that she hoped that wishing would make it so.......luckily, the non-expectant mum had a sense of humour.....)

NanooCov · 15/03/2019 14:09

Is any of it true though? Is it "tales" or "lies"?

Friedspamfritters · 15/03/2019 14:10

Oh god there's a woman like this who's the mum of a boy in my eldest's class. She doesn't realise all kids come home telling tales of the naughty things other kids have done. She literally thinks every other kid in the class is a sociopath and hers is an angel. Overtime there's a minor argument involving her son she takes it VERY seriously and believes her son's account to the letter. I'm lucky in that mine doesn't play much with her son so I don't get the brunt of it.

Friedspamfritters · 15/03/2019 14:15

In terms of actual advice I'd either ignore it point blank or just reply with something passive aggressive "Oh they do love telling tales at that age don't they! I won't repeat the things I've heard!"

Original poster
mummyodell · 15/03/2019 14:15

NanooCov - Its a mixture of both. Yes, DD did get her name moved for talking..... but it happens to someone most days.... why did my friend feel the need to tell me that? If I need to know something the teacher will tell me. I find it annoying that my friend messages me or talks to be about everything that happens. It's not just my DD, she believes everything her DD tells her about every child in the class. Some of the things are crazy and they absolutely would not of happened. But it's always has to be true if her DD has told her.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 15/03/2019 14:17

She doesn't sound like much of a friend tbh, I would distance myself from her.

BumbleBeee69 · 15/03/2019 14:27

She's a Bitch OP, not a friend. I'm glad you're distancing yourself from this crackerjack. Flowers

Amoregentlemanlikemanner · 15/03/2019 14:27

this is funny!

"We played a someone like this
It cost her a heck of a lot of money, my child decided to tell the other child about her Disney 3 week holiday in Florida...
House with a pool, flying first class...
I had no idea my 9 year old was saying this until the mum phoned to tell me they were flying out, as she had booked and pay for the holiday, asking which date I was booking...
I took great joy in telling her, what you meant the fantasy holiday, my child loves planning for fun...
I did heard when she came home it had not be worth the money. ."

Tamalpais · 15/03/2019 14:34

Helicopter parenting combined with Angel Child Syndrome is a really bad combination. I made a formal complaint to school about another parent after she called me up accusing my child of "assaulting" hers after school, on school grounds (this was in Reception...). It wasn't the first time she was batshit but it was the last time. After my complaint, the school pulled CCTV and proved her wrong - it was actually her child who attacked mine. I went low contact with her, our kids are actually still friends years later though.

Am currently going through another situation where a parent wants to discuss my child vs. hers. My line is simple: handle it through the school. Funnily enough the school is now becoming exasperated with the parent, but it's for them to deal with. Not my circus, not my monkeys, as the saying goes...

My advice is to follow your child's needs and wants. If she wants to be friends with this mother's child, then that's a whole different road to walk than if she doesn't want to be friends. I suspect her mother is going to sabotage some of her DD's friendships and that'll be something for her DD to deal with at some point. Just pat yourself on the back that YOU'RE not the overinvested one, and maybe suggest a hobby other than gossip for this mother to take up next time you talk... maybe grab a flyer about a local book club or similar ;)