To ask what post natal depression feels like?

[bitchfromhell]

I'm sure a lot of people won't want to share, I know it's very personal.

But those that have been there, could you please tell me how you felt exactly? Those deepest innermost feelings/thoughts?
I'm not sure if I fit the bill or not (have a gp appointment booked) and would appreciate others experiences.
Tia

Lots of variation in feelings - we all feel things in a different way
But personally
Feeling overwhelmed not good enough like a truly rubbish mother
Comparing myself badly to others
No emotions towards anyone or anything - felt indifferent to baby
Just very very low mood snappy and short with everyone
I felt sorry for the baby being ‘stuck’ with me
Glad you’re seeing the gp op
It definitely does get better but if there’s help available take it

I can't remember exactly what I 'thought'
I think you can have mild right through to severe PND
I was terrified of hurting my baby. I was anxious, I felt I would never feel normal again but couldn't really remember what normal was.
I do remember trying to pretend I was ok and fearing the baby would be taken off me whilst at the same time, not wanting her.
I became obsessed with routine and measuring and hygiene.

I never received any treatment. This was in the mid seventies and the doctor just told me about how women in the villages of his birth country gave birth and went back to crop picking hours later.
I suffered anxiety for years after.

It can be different for everyone but personally i felt snappy and the inability to cope with minor things such as your baby moaning etc. The days feeling like you don’t know what to do with them. I loved my baby but I just felt like everything was far more difficult than it actually was.

It does go away though, but of course depression can lie and tell you nothing will change

Thank you everyone.

What is the best treatment?

I felt like having a baby had been a huge mistake. I wanted to give him back. I think I probably googled adoption in the middle of the night. I felt like there was nothing to look forward to and that I wasn't able to feel like myself at all. I felt trapped and overwhelmed and it didn't help that my reflux baby didn't stop crying for hours a day until he was a good 8 or 9 months old.

I went to a PND group run by the health visitors, thankfully before they closed all the children's centres where I live. I feel so sorry for anyone going through what I did without the support I got. Meeting up with mums who had the same problems was invaluable and the talk therapy at the sessions was very worthwhile. I am still in contact with those mums 4 years on, which is testament to how important it is to find support.

You're doing the right thing looking for help. Please keep asking if you don't get the support you need to feel relaxed and happy. Being a mum is hard bloody work but it shouldn't be miserable or anxious and too many people accept that as normal.

I also wanted to say that I had my second baby last year and was terrified of history repeating itself. It didn't. Although I'm knackered and sometimes a bit stressed by managing two high-energy boys I'm not in any way ill the way I was the first time round. Don't worry that you will feel this way again if you brave another.

Best treatment varies for everyone.

First speak to your GP. They can asses you and take it from there. Often you are asked to fill out a quiz that will score your anxiety and depression. Do not lie. They are there to help.

Depending on your scores and chat with the GP you will be given medication, referred to counselling or maybe even a post natal mental health team. In my experience the post natal team and meds are the best. Good luck.

It felt like wading through treacle. I loved my baby but did not enjoy any minute of any day. I felt like my sense of humour had evaporated and I found it difficult to talk to people because I couldn't think of anything to say. I could sit still for ages in the same place with absolutely no inclination to move, even though I did not feel at all relaxed or comfortable. I had an awful sense there was some thing missing but I couldn't work out what it was. I couldn't imagine the future holding any hope for me. I didn't realise it was depression. I just thought I was very tired. I wish I could go back in time and tell myself to seek professional help and give antidepressants a proper try.

I felt nothing. No feelings or emotions. Within a couple of weeks I had intrusive thoughts/ suicidal ideation. I couldn’t sleep and I cleaned my home constantly and was totally drowning.

I was in denied for a couple of months, didn't want to admit I had PND. I had this little baby I had longed for so how could I feel like this. I felt sorry for baby having me as a mother, I felt like I couldn't cope and when she would cry I would cry too. I remember longing for my old life, I would sit in the middle of the night feeding her wishing for my old life back. It does get better though, I went to Gp who offered medication but I preferred to not try medication and see how I went, after about a year I started to feel better.

I just felt like I was on autopilot. Going through the motions but completely disconnected emotionally.

Mine was due to traumatic birth and shit aftercare.

Yes, so feeling like this is not normal then. That sounds like I need help.

Anxiety (which continues)
Vivid images of something bad happening to baby
Overwhelmed by new relationships thrust upon me eg the MIL relationship
Feelings of inferiority around other mums
Extreme indecisiveness
Not sure if that is PND but I had 12 sessions of CBT offered by NHS which helped

@bitchfromhell how old is your little one?

I just felt so so low and cried a lot. Didn’t want anything to do with my partner and seriously thought about leaving him. Horrified at that thought now. It didn’t last long thankfully but it was horrible. I was silly and didn’t see anyone but I’ve heard Drs can be really good now.

Feeling trapped, having to put an effort into appearing happy, feeling like there was a physical pressure on the head. Almost emotionless and numb.
Admitting I felt this way was a big relief - talking loads to dh and putting the twins into nursery for a couple of days a week, so I could get a break - I had no other help, no family nearby and dh worked long hours.

I thought I had infected my baby with HIV. I haven’t got HIV but I convinced myself I had ( the reason being I was a nurse working with patients with HIV) but I got fixated. I couldn’t tell anyone because I felt ashamed. Believe you me I never want to go back to that place. It’s not ‘baby blues’ I can tell you!

Two weeks after the birth, I remember saying I just don't want to feel like this anymore. No motivation, no joy. Like everything positive had been sucked out of me. Feeling doomed. Feeling on edge. Feeling overwhelmed about small tasks, never mind looking after a newborn. I really resented all the flowers people had sent- it was too much for me to put them in vases.
Anti- depressants took the edge of it for me. Had to take the older type as I was breast feeding. I wasn't happy by any stretch of the imagination but I felt able to trudge on, on a day to day basis. Took them for about 2 years. Ds had to go to a childminder for 2 hours in the middle of the day, to give me some support and structure. Felt like a failure.( No family nearby).
I think the sleep deprivation made everything worse. He was up 5 times a night for over a year. When I went back to work after 6 months, I used to get up in the morning and be sick. Every morning.
Eventually had DC2 with a 5 year gap. Not a hint of PND. Not a hint!

Yes, so feeling like this is not normal then. That sounds like I need help.

Do get help. I struggled with it for almost a year with my first before I started feeling better and didn't realize what it was until I had LO number two and that empty, rubbish feeling returned.

I took AD medication, which helped enormously. There's really no reason to suffer with it.

Feeling like you cannot cope,feeling massively overwhelmed,feeling like you don't want your baby then feeling massive guilt.In my case I didn't bond with my son until he was around 1 yr.I effectively missed his baby years emotionally,.I got prescribed anti depressants which helped a bit.

I felt like I could do nothing right, that DS only ever cried when he was with me and everyone else knew how to look after him better than I did. Obviously in hindsight I was with him for the full day, his dad would just come in after work so of course he would cry around me more, I was with him more.

I remember crying and begging him to stop crying. I compared myself to other new parents that we knew and wondered how come I was so rubbish when they were just naturally good at it.

I didn't wish my baby any harm and although I thought he would be better without me and felt sorry for him having me as his mum, I didn't have suicidal thoughts. I saw my GP after about 11 weeks and when she asked me those questions and I said no to them, I felt like that was the moment she decided I didn't have PND.

I was referred to a counselling session but there wasn't one available for 6 weeks. GP said she didn't recommend medication, I didn't want it anyway and when I agreed she asked me what I had wanted to get from the appointment.

I went home, my husband called his mum and told her how I felt. His mum and step dad came over every day or two for weeks, taking baby out for a walk so I could nap or just sit quietly or get some housework done so I'd feel better in myself. Or they sat with me and chatted, gave me adult company but let me carry on with baby so I didn't feel that they needed to take him away and that I could do it myself. After a while, they reduced how long they'd stay and how often they visited and I realised that everything Id been feeling had changed for the better.

Everyone struggles in different ways and gets better in different ways but I just wanted to say that if you don't feel like your GP has helped, talk to family and friends and HVs and anyone else that you have. Someone can help you.

I felt such conflicting feelings.
I felt like I'd made a massive mistake having a baby and wanted my old life back but at the same time didn't want to leave my baby and didn't trust anybody else to look after her. I wanted to be free and run away but could barely even bring myself to go into another room without worrying about her.
I felt trapped and isolated from the world, I saw no way out other than to die but couldn't never kill myself because I knew my baby needed me. It was the worst and most loneliest feeling in the world. I got helped and was honest with people around me how I was feeling and am so much better now. You are doing the right thing getting help. Good luck x

I felt like I wasn't going to see the day through.

Then the next day it all started again.

I stop caring about anything, stopped showering and brushing my hair. I planned my funeral. I made arrangements for the future of my child as I was that confident I wouldn't see him grow up.

Everyday was painful to live.

It took years to recover and I never want to feel like that again. It was absolute hell.

I wonder what it really feels like without pnd then? It can't be all rosy can it?
Ds is 8 weeks for whoever asked.

With ds3 the intrusive thoughts began at 48 hours after birth, that I might accidentally put my baby out the window in my sleep. These got worse until I physically felt like I was going to throw my baby across the room. So bad that I was clinging onto him. Also terrible insomnia- literally couldn't sleep. Severe anxiety. Suicidal ideation. At 2 weeks postpartum baby and I were admitted to a psychiatric mother and baby unit for 7 weeks. It took a year until I started feeling like I loved anyone again. This was with ds3. Had pretty significant pnd with ds1 and was on antids and with ds2 i had it but managed to hide it and rode it out with no meds.

I felt sick with anxiety all the time. I couldn't eat or sleep. I felt guilty and sure I was doing everything wrong. I found it really hard tobond with one of my babies. I was paranoid. Unable to sit still, to nap, to shower or eat. At its worst I also had mild psychosis - delusions and visions. I often wondered if the babies would be better off without me.
I cried all the time. Cried and cried and cried. I felt franticlaly sad and so guilty that I should be happy. I felt ill aorund other mothers all saying how great life was and how this beat working for a living. I ached to get back to work, but then blew it when I did because I wasn't sleeping and couldn't function.

But throughout all this, I bathed and fed and cuddled and sang to them and took them out and kept them clean and up to date with medical checks.

It was, without doubt, the worst time of my life. At the time I felt readful, but I look back and think, I really truly was doing my best for them at all times even when I was profoundly ill. They were never neglected. Never left to cry or in a dirty nappy. They had a better start than most babies.

OP, you must get help. I didn't get help. No one except me noticed I was that ill. DH did, but the GP told him I was fine because I presented as fine to her, so she sent him away believing all first time mothers felt like I did. It took me years to get help and it didn't really properly go away until DC were 4 and I got medication for the first time. (Though it did get massively better once we all got some sleep.)