To ask what post natal depression feels like?

[bitchfromhell]

I'm sure a lot of people won't want to share, I know it's very personal.

But those that have been there, could you please tell me how you felt exactly? Those deepest innermost feelings/thoughts?
I'm not sure if I fit the bill or not (have a gp appointment booked) and would appreciate others experiences.
Tia

Empty. Absolutely fucking empty.

When DD was napping I’d cry as I was convinced she’d died in her sleep. When she woke up I’d cry as she hadn’t died.

I thought she was a slug at one point (post-natal psychosis) and was horrified that people expected me to pick that slug up and nurture it.

Oh, it was so horrible. I have very few memories of her first year. It’s just all dark.

I finally admitted how I felt when she was 10 months old. My GP put me on citalopram and referred me to an amazing support group run by midwives who had both had PND. It took me 3 separate attempts to get through the door but when I did I never looked back.

DD is 8 now and we have an amazing bond.

You will get through this. Things will improve. Taking the first step and admitting you’re struggling is the hardest but you’ve done that.

I thought my whole life was ruined. I cried and didn't even know why. I never had normal day to day thoughts like I need to eat I need to brush my teeth etc. They just didn't exist
Almost like a sheet of metal was blocking my brain from me. Everything who I was, who I actually was what I enjoyed doing what I enjoyed eating how I liked my hair, how I liked my bath, which BBQ sauce I liked it just didn't exist it disappeared. I felt completely empty but at the same time the feeling didn't exist there was nothing. I was petrified of the baby. I was petrified of being judged outside. I didn't want to kill myself as such I just wanted to end, it's hard to describe. It wasn't a case for me at least that I didn't want to do anything I just couldn't do anything I didn't know how to. I was so sleep deprived I had to learn how to go to sleep again. The absolute hardest part was smiling to friends and family that I was enjoying myself. 100% the hardest part.

And the days felt never ending. Imagine your OH 8 hour shift feeling like a year

I also recommend @pndandme on Twitter. She runs #pndhour on a Wednesday night. When I was recovering the support I got online from that community was such a lifeline.

louiselouie you describe how I felt. My GP asked if I had suicidal ideation and I didn’t, but I just wanted to stop existing. I remember sitting on my sofa and thinking if I could just put my head on knees and stop it all I would. But I never wanted to die.

And yes to putting a face on to family and friends. “Oh, I’m just tired” excused everything to and disguised how I was really feeling.

I had no interest in eating (unlike me) and lost a lot of weight. I was constantly obsessing over her wellbeing and convinced I would fail her in some way. Had recurring nightmares that she fell asleep on me and I accidently crushed her. Asked my brother to look after her when 2 weeks old to go to a works do and did not care / worry about her in the slightest :-( lost sense of humour, didn’t care about appearance, had no interest in anything. Questioned my existance and said a few horrible things to my partner without feeling guilty at the time. She didn’t sleep through the night for a year so I went crazy not knowing when the torture would end. I got help on the insistence of my partner (gp described antidepressants) six months in. It truly is an awful experience and I can’t believe what happened, just makes me feel upset just thinking about it! I missed out on most of that first year because of it and wouldn’t dare consider another just in case. I think my experience was a bit extreme though so I don’t mean to scare anyone :-(

I remember a neighbour telling me I was doing a good job with my baby, and I looked at her in utter disbelief that she should have got me so wrong as I was so obviously failing at being a mother. I felt scared and as if something terrible was going to happen. I had massive anxiety around hygiene and washed my hands till they were raw. I felt intensely homesick for my old life and as if my body had been replaced by this painful, fat body which I hated. I had terrible infections in my c section scar that didn't start to heal for four months and was in a lot of pain. I verged on seeing things at one point, I looked at my baby over my husbands shoulder and saw him sneering at me. That only happened once though and was I think a hallucination brought on by lack of sleep.

It was honestly the worst time I my life. I was given wrong information by my GP about being unable to take anti depressants and breastfeed at the same time, so I didn't take the meds. I am still bitter about this, I could have been saved so many unhappy months. It did ease off in time. It wasn't repeated with my subsequent children.

Good luck OP.

This thread is so sad, and making me realise I did have mild PND. DS was in hospital for two weeks after he was born, which was horrendous, but when he got home I resented the impact he'd had on my life. I wondered if there was any way I could "undo" his birth, but felt I couldn't put him up for adoption because he'd feel unwanted and unloved and that broke my heart. This only happened once, but it was horrible. I hated people telling me to "enjoy this time, they're only little for such a short time" - I was doing everything I could to keep my head above water and I was supposed to enjoy it?! I felt like a little kid and not a real mum. I was also constantly scared he would stop breathing and I'd be surprised if I left the room for a minute and he wasn't dead when I came back. I had a pathological fear of cot death and worried about germs. I have a long history of anxiety and OCD, and was seeing a psychologist on the perinatal mental health team. We focussed on my fears relating to cot death, and I dismissed my thoughts as intrusions (which they were, in the sense that I would never have acted on them), but a number of things combined to help me feel better: DS sleeping for longer stretches (exceptionally early on), switching to bottle feeding on the paediatrician's advice (bf hurt and I never felt comfortable doing it in public), upping the dose of my ADs, and speaking to an NCT friend whose baby had just been discharged after 2 weeks in SCBU when DS was 6 weeks old - it made me realise there was so much to enjoy. I realise that people with depression can't just tell themselves to cheer up though - i wasn't diagnosed with PND and only had a mild form, or some symptoms of it.

Thank you everyone for sharing. OP, I hope you get the help you need and deserve and feel better soon.