If you knew what birth entailed from the start

[DrVonPatak]

I'm asking this from an observer's point of view. If someone sat down with you before going into delivery and gave it straight to you about what will happen from a-z (proper 1-1 explanation, not birthing courses where half the info is geared towards saving money ) do you think this would make you more assured or would have made you run for the hills?
The thing is, I sometimes work with women after the birth and I do come across the view of having birth done to them IYSWIM, as midwives/doctors take over. I can appreciate that healthcare professionals have a vast knowledge that can't be imparted in a couple of sittings, but sometimes it does feel like being told exactly what is going to happen would maybe help women stay on the ball and be more in control of what is going on.

I have enough friends who have described their experiences of childbirth to me (and shown me their post-birth bodies) that it is honestly and truthfully one of the chief reasons I’ve opted to remain child free. There are a couple of other major reasons as well, and I’ve never been broody or maternal but have very occasionally had twinges of “what if I regret not”; but very much tempered by the knowledge that even the women I know who would say their pregnancies and births were good describe things I find utterly horrifying and have bodies I’d never be able to come to terms with.

In terms of information given to pregnant women - I also have friends who ask not to hear “horror stories” from those who’ve experienced birth already, so maybe that’s part of it. Also that a lot of women are made to feel inferior or as if it’s their own fault by groups like the NCT if they have “bad” births, so they don’t share their real experiences.

It's a tough one. I don't think enough information is given about how common complications are, or what to expect in general. I think they don't tell women everything or requests for c sections would increase!
My first birth was horrific, failed induction, they thought my Dd was brain damaged and I had a crash section. She was ok but I've never full got over the trauma. My 2nd was the classic birth you "expect", waters went, natural birth with just gas and air and a few minor stitches. Every birth is so different it's impossible to say how it's going to go.
I wish there was more information given on emergency and crash c sections because I never even knew it was a possibility to have to be put under and that made it worse for me. I didn't know with my first I was allowed to not consent to things like induction etc which is how everything escalated as the doctors delayed everything until she nearly died. With my second I was a lot more clued up and wrote down the things I did not consent to and I was a lot more forceful if I felt something wasn't right.

As a midwife I am shocked at how little people research about birth. People come in with birth plans detailing what they want and what they don't want but don't seem to have a good understanding of how birth unfolds. It would be very difficult to explain what would happen as birth is unpredictable. However post birth debriefs should be alot better, there's so much misinformation and confusion out there which then spreads amongst friends who don't want that to happen to them, without a real understanding of why that occurred

I see the expression "I felt robbed of the birth experience I wanted" all the time here along with mums gutted to have had c sections or epidurals. I think birth is being built up as this empowering experience

I agree with this, so many expectant mothers seem to want an exact plan for how labour will go and then are really disappointed when it doesn't go that way, one woman in my antenatal class had literally planned it out virtually to the minute - she was going to have exactly an 8 hour labour, arrive at hospital at certain time, spend X amount of time in the birthing pool etc. There isn't an excuse for health professionals not listening to you and reassuring you but equally sometimes your minute by minute plan isn't possible and that isn't the health professionals fault.

I agree with you. You and/or your birth partner will have decisions to make but if you’ve gone into it completely blind that’s not going to be very easy.

@babysharkah I'm not hiding from reality - I've had some people tell me it's the worst thing they've experienced, while others have said it's really not that big a deal.

I'm doing what works best for me and my mental health and well-being and that's ok. You shouldn't try to belittle someone for putting themselves into a position that works best for them, in the same way I admire people who have done all of the research and know (almost) exactly what to expect.

I had a great NCT teacher who went through the whole birth process in a lot of detail. I also did a Hypnobirthing course which involved several weeks of preparation before your birth. In the end I was overdue, was induced and had an epidural so it wasn’t my perfect birth but I never felt like I wasn’t in control and I knew what my options were at every step.

I think it’s up to the individual to prepare themselves. There’s only so much a community midwife can do. We’ve all got friends and family who have given birth but there seems to be a tendency not to discuss the details with expectant mums because people worry about scaring them. In the past when we all gave birth at home we would have been far more exposed to childbirth and far less naive about it. Now it’s seen as some sort of clinical operation that we just leave in the hands of healthcare professionals.

I don't think all the explanations in the world would help tbh. And it's not just the birth bit - it's coming home from the hospital a bit sore to very sore to virtually incontinent, a bit sleep-deprived to very sleep-deprived, with a tiny human who sleeps all the time/cries all the time/needs to go straight back in for a jaundice assessment/whatever else, plus hormones. No explanations help until you've been there.

If I’d known what it would be like I’d have opted for an elective c-section at about 37 weeks. I was fed a lie about how great it would be, how my body would know what to do, how I’d just breathe the baby out with joy while listening to tinkly music, etc. It was a load of crap. I nearly died and I’ve suffered long term consequences that affect my physical and mental health.

I had my ds at 29 weeks so was completely unprepared and had no understanding of the process at all (apart from the basic premace!) I actually found it probably better in my circumstances not to know. I didn't have any preconceived ideas about what it would be like so could not be disappointed at the reality differing. I just gave myself over to the medical staff in blind faith and luckily it was totally fine (the labour anyway). I took the drugs they recommended when they recommended them and told them how I was feeling if things changed. What I did want all the info on was what would happen regarding baby's care afterwards and a visit from the NICU doctor in which he explained everything and how they could help with almost every scenario was really reassuring. It's an unusual scenario so it might be different for full term births; I'm 31 weeks today with a DD and armed with far more knowledge than last time, as well as having my bags packed from 26 weeks, so I should find out soon!!

@HK20 I am exactly like you. I was pushed to try and go to classes, read books, listen to horror others stories etc etc and I refused. I didn't want to know. I tried writing everything I could in my birth plan (I'm a control freak) and no one even read it! They just asked me what I wanted during labour.
I went through my pregnancy planning a peaceful water birth with gas and air and to leave it at that. I ended up with a pessary, waters broken by midwife, drip induction, two rounds of morphine, gas and air, epidural, 24 hour labour but a beautiful healthy boy who I love and adore now.

I felt empowered in labour, despite not knowing anything. Honestly for some people knowing all the risks is too much (especially for us anxious gals!)

My DC was through CS and yes I would do it again. If I was forced to go through a VD It would put me off. I've heard too many horror stories from people I know about what happened. Fortunately where I am we have a choice of elcs without any judgment.

To be handed information leaflet on the pain relief options available at the hospital I'm at and the possible side effects. So if change my mind I could read and be prepared better on the side effects. Thats all. Yes, during labour making decisions or reading is hard for some, but I could have read inbetween contractions but I did not have the concentration to listen properly. As the machine was very slow to pick up a contraction starting, people would overshoot and talk during contractions. Make sure the leaflet is on big print

I agree with FaFoutis - it isn't possible for any healthcare professional to tell you exactly what will happen as they have no idea how straightforward or complicated the birth will be.

I agree it's good to be well informed about things that may happen such as instrumental delivery and pain relief options but I don't think it would be helpful to spell out all the 'worst case scenarios' as this will unnecessarily scare pregnant women.

In both my deliveries I was happy for the midwives to keep me informed as they went along and I trusted their opinions (they obviously have a lot more experience in childbirth than me!).

I suppose I was lucky to have 2 relatively uncomplicated births but I don't think I'm in the minority. It must be horrific if things go badly wrong or you are left with long term complications but judging from Mum's I know IRL this only happens in a minority of births.

Yes. I had an independent midwife for DC2, and straightforward discussion of what-ifs was something I found very reassuring. We would chat and I would tell her the things I was scared about, and she would explain how things would work in those scenarios, and what the medical team would want to do and why, and what the pros and cons of doing those things were, and what I would want to do.

The birth was very straightforward, but I knew what would happen and why if I did need to transfer to hospital for interventions, and that took away at lot of the fear of helplessness.

some possibilities are very scary!

Whilst I appreciate that there are almost endless possible scenarios and it would be impossible to go through and thoroughly explain them all, I find the idea of "well we wont tell them that, its scary!" really pissing annoying. Absolutely, there are some people who don't want to hear about complications, and no one should make them, but for those that do want straight answers and explanations, the facts shouldn't be evaded.

There is masses of information out there now! I had my DC 28 years ago - way before the internet but i read books, joined the NCT and went to yoga classes for mums to be which also gave a course on what to expect. I felt very informed but was equally aware that things can go wrong. I dont know how you can write a birth plan if you havent researched everything first!

In some ways its better to know less. If i had heard nothing but horror stories I would have panicked and probably opted for a c section etc. As it was I was lucky enough to have a natural birth with no complications before or after. (If I had however had a taster of the pain I wouldnt have got pregnant!)

I did plenty of research and felt in control throughout both labours. The midwives were nearby but pretty much left me to it both times.
We have a great team in my area though. I understand it can be a bit of a postcode lottery.

I think people need to be more honest about pregnancy, if anything. both my pregnancies were horrendous and have put me off having anymore children and yet you only get to hear about the lovely twee glowy version.

@ToastyFingers completely agree!! I was totally unprepared for pregnancy and am not enjoying it at all! I remember the anger and frustration early on that no one discussed how horrible morning sickness is, turns out I had HG. No one I know talks about the horrible bits, about sickness lasting the whole way through, about the various pains you'll get, about wetting yourself while being sick...

As a result I've tried to arm myself with all the information I can about birth and the complications. I'll hoping they will let me have an elective C-section because I know the damage HG has done to my mental health and I don't want to take the risk of what birth injuries would do to my physical and mental health.

Never again!

This is ridiculous but I didn't know about afterbirth and completely freaked out 😂 I don't know what I thought was happening and I don't know how the hell I didn't know about it. I probably had been told but obviously had forgotten! My poor partner 😂😂😂

As much as it is good (for some women) to know everything about birth, it falls at two hurdles

• the person/institution/medical practitioner giving the advice - I wish I hadn’t done any NCT classes
• usefulness of the inforrmation

Unfortunately it also feeds in to the idea that somehow the birth is the hardest part - for me it was a doddle in comparison to the breastfeeding and sleeping hell of the cirst 6 - 8 weeks .

I read Kate Figes’ book - it was an interesting read.

I see what you mean and, yes, I agree that everyone's wishes as to the level of knowledge should be respected.

I am actually aware of all the proceedings in the childbirth from a student's pic, although none more recent than that, but I can vouch that every birth assisstant's legs get cut off in fear at the tremendousness of a birth, no matter how smoothly it goes. My favourite patient relationships were always with women in the delivery room yet I always had a sensation that they should be trusted more with regards of how the birth is managed.

I spoke to so many people and they were extremely honest. All of that made my birth easier as I was expecting anything and everything.