Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To say my mum needs to stop

42 replies

SofaKingFedUp · 14/03/2019 09:23

Currently staying with my mum and stepdad while I find a new home, my 14 year old brother also lives here.
I feel like my mum is treating him like a baby, and this is going to affect him negatively. It's already started actually. He is the youngest so I get sometimes they don't want to let go of them as it's their last baby as such but I think my brother is taking the piss now.

So he's 14, he doesn't go to school full time, was bullied in primary school and couldn't get into the high school where his only friend went so he was too anxious to go, he goes for half day. Alot of the time he will play up to my mum saying he is too anxious to go to school and my mum obviously feels guilty so she allows him to skip school. The school are working with my mum, they are trying to work out what's best for him although it been like this for a long time. I've then heard him laughing about it with his online gaming "friends"
He doesn't do anything, literally nothing. He doesn't clean, he leaves mess everywhere, if he uses a cup he just leaves it wherever he was using it, be that the living room, bedroom etc.he leaves dirty laundry on the bathroom floor and absolutley soaks the floor when showering, like I'm talking floods. He also showers at least twice a day, sometimes 3 and everytime he puts on clean clothes and underwear.
He won't set an alarm for school, my mum has to wake him. He'll come down sit in the sofa in his towel, put the tv onto something he wants to watch, even if others are watching something, and wait until my mum brings him all his clothes and his breakfast, she then has to keep telling him it's time to go, and he'll put it off as long as possible.
If she asks him to do anything he moans, the only thing he will do is take the dogs out for 5 mins. Literally 5 mins. He won't go to the shop for her, usually my mum has to tidy his room. He just plays his computer all the time.
I've never seen him so a chore. Ever.
AIBU to think this is ridiculous? I know he does suffer anxiety, but my mum is not helping I don't think? If I say anything about it she just says "he's a child, leave him alone"

OP posts:

Footsall · 14/03/2019 09:32

YANBU but...

Are you prepared to be the bad guy? If not leave it. My brother is 36 and I can promise you, that you are wasting your breath.

Mrsbclinton · 14/03/2019 09:33

Its worrying that your brother is allowed to live this way. How will he ever get his education if he is missing over half of his schooling.

He will never become an independent young adult if he doesnt start to do things for himself.

There is no reason why he cant do chores etc however if your Mother is happy to do everything for him then nothing is going to change.

Is he receiving treatment for his anxiety?

Wolfiefan · 14/03/2019 09:35

The real problem here is her complete failure to parent this child.
She is never going to listen to you and change things based on what you say.
You need to find that new home ASAP.

MrsJayy · 14/03/2019 09:36

It will be pointless saying anythi g you know what she is going to say as long as you don't run about his arse then leave her too it however frustrated you are about it all.

Beamur · 14/03/2019 09:37

He'll still be at home in 20 years time...
I have friends who have younger brothers like this. Not sure I know what the answer is though.

MrsJayy · 14/03/2019 09:39

W hat does his dad say to all this pandering ?

Original poster

SofaKingFedUp · 14/03/2019 09:41

Tbh I'm probably not going to say anything again because I know it will cause an argument, my mum is very touchy and doesn't like being told she's doing something the wrong way. But i just wanted to ask to see if other felt I was right, he is receiving treatment for his anxiety but in my opinion it's not going to be fully successful if he continues to hide himself away in his bedroom.
He's not very talkative with people face to face. Very hard to get a conversation going and keep it going yet I can hear him on his computer talking with people for hours. Maybe we are interesting for him but still.

Hopefully won't be much longer with finding a place, but still I also worry that he will not succeed at anything in life if she carries on. Hopefully she sees sense soon

OP posts:

foxsbiscuit · 14/03/2019 09:43

This is so sad. Your mum is massively failing in her role as a parent and setting him up to have a very unhappy life.

MrsJayy · 14/03/2019 09:45

It might come to a head when he is of school leaving age. My stepdad spoiled my sister rotten so my mum followed suit it was ridiculous and irritating

Original poster

SofaKingFedUp · 14/03/2019 09:51

Well when I spoke to my mum about it, one of the issues I raised was that he won't be able to find a job easily, 1. Because he probably won't have any qualifications and 2. Because he has no social skills. He gets anxious in busy places.
She told me that his dad will make him get a job, I tried to say it won't be as easy as that considering you've both let him get away with everything so far but she won't have it.

OP posts:

Booboostwo · 14/03/2019 09:52

Your brother clearly has some issues with anxiety and stress which are affecting his life. I am not sure you are the best person to address them. Sibling relations can be strained, especially when you feel your sibling is receiving preferential treatment. I assume that you were not part of any diagnosis process he went through or any care plan that was formulated by his school so you don't know the details of what was agreed.

He may be taking the piss, or he may be doing the best he can in difficult circumstances. Either way it's not for you to interfere. The best thing would be for you to move out asap and have your own space to sort out as you want.

Springwalk · 14/03/2019 10:02

This is one of those situations when it is entirely right to keep silent. Your mother will not thank you for your advice, and it is likely to sour your time there.

Continue to look ahead to when you can leave.

Yes your mother is failing, but it is not your problem. Focus on yourself.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 14/03/2019 10:34

You havent got a clue what adolescent depression is like. It is not 'normal' to shower 3 times a day. I sincerely doubt he is 'taking the piss' as you quaintly put it seeing as he is having trreatment for anxiety.

As others have said, no one likes to be told how to parent. You wont like your mother, one day, telling you that you are wrong.

AryaStarkWolf · 14/03/2019 10:35

She's not doing him any favours but at the end of the day he isn't your son so there's not much you can do about it

Ellenborough · 14/03/2019 10:47

I really doubt you can tell your mother anything she doesn't already know and if she could find a way to effectively deal with it, believe me she would. Give her a break - it sounds like she has enough on her plate.

If he's showering 2/3 times a day that REALLY is not normal for a 14 year old boy and it's a marker of something like OCD. I imagine his anxiety is real. The rest, the laziness and the mess is just normal teenage boy stuff. Of course he should help out a bit more and clear up after himself but he's not unusual in that respect.

However, if he doesn't go to school he should not be allowed to be sitting around gaming all day, he should be working and learning at home. That's the only area where I'd agree with you.

Extua · 14/03/2019 10:51

You could be describing the situation with my DM and Dsis though my Dsis is now 21 (still at home, no job, not in education). DM babied her out of guilt I think. She spent high school in a side room with a teacher, driven in, with DM running her a bath each morning and putting her toothbrush with toothpaste on it on the side whereas I cycled the 2 miles, then 4, miles school from yr6 and made my own lunch from before then.

Yanbu but I think you'd be wasting your breath to say anything if my experience is anything to go by. Ocassionally they can hear it from me but mostly I'm turned into the bad guy and told I think I'm better than them. Hope you can get out soon. It drove me crazy.

Tinkerbell456 · 14/03/2019 10:54

This is not healthy for your bro, obviously. Could he not attend school full time with some mentoring and support

nakedscientist · 14/03/2019 11:03

YABU. The thing is OP, you are not the parent. Your brother has parents. You are not helping by calling the situation ridiculous.

I feel like my mum is treating him like a baby, and this is going to affect him negatively.... He is the youngest so I get sometimes they don't want to let go of them as it's their last baby as such but I think my brother is taking the piss now

This is not very mature, it sounds peevish and simplistic. Your mum is obviously stressed and anxious about him herself and can see that things are bad.

The school are working with my mum, they are trying to work out what's best for him

She has talked to the school and accessed the right help. It is certainly not an ideal situation but your best help would be to offer advice if it is asked for, input positives if you can and concentrate on supporting yourself and providing a role model by launching your own successful life.

Jog22 · 14/03/2019 11:09

Not helpful at all but I wish my 25yr old stepson would shower 3 times a day instead of 3 times a month but thats a whole other thread. Sorry, grass is greener and all that.

2isur2isubicurtis4me · 14/03/2019 11:16

this type of superior attitude over something you don't actually understand or want to understand is what makes the task of dealing with a teenager with anxiety so hard for the carer and the person suffering it and that goes for

A few points he jokes/ brags he isn't at school to his in line friends... what do you suggest he should do? Cry down the mic about his crippling anxiety? share all his inner fears to people he doesn't really know? Or do what teenagers do which is style it out and try to gather a few "cool" points to bolster his fragile self esteem.
Point 2 he won't go out then somehow even though you wrote the words and many have read them, you don't seemed to have connected the dots, he is is diagnosed with anxiety one of his anxieties are crowds/people, were is more crowded that a secondary school especial in corridors during class changes.... there are people he does not know outside... but yet somehow he is supposed to put this all to one side to please you. He's not hurting you, he's not stopping you from getting on with your life, he impacts on you life in no way other than turning the TV over as fair as I can see and yet you need to exercise this power over him and your mother, why?
Have you tried being supportive of him and your mum? Have you tried to help? Have you looked up anxiety and teenagers? Have you looked into maybe him having ASD and or ADHD (I only suggest this as actually it could be not to excuse him because I don't think he has done anything to the op to excuse him from) he sounds just like my son who is now happy and enjoying school now he is in one which helps him with his emotional,mental and social difficulties.
I will Suggest you help your mum apply for an EHCP schools rarely suggest this and tell parents they won't get one, schools don't decide and EHCPs can be applied for by the parent, also it is a total myth you need a diagnosis to get one. I managed to get one for my son without diagnosis in place they came later.
I imagine your mum has enough on her plate without you adding to the mix and causing ructions. Your mum is probably emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/03/2019 11:26

Are his issues of attendance driven by not going to school of his choice? Would it change if he were allowed to change schools now? I would think by now your mother would have grounds for sending him to the other school. I assume he’s under CAHMS. However I’m not sure that’s going to be part of the solution as his friend will have moved. Although it may help.

Purplecatshopaholic · 14/03/2019 11:44

Thankfully for you, you wont have to stay there much longer and its not really your problem anyway. I would stay out of it - saying anything will just cause arguments and wont make a difference. Your mums circus, your mums monkeys.....

Harumphharagh · 14/03/2019 11:47

I have ADHD and had major depression at school. Thank GOD my parents did not treat me like this, in fact because they were going through a very bad time themselves they barely noticed. Being able to do things for myself, conquer my horrific fears, learn to integrate with the world and just. keep. going. are what helped saved me (along with therapeutic/medical intervention for the depression obviously).

Because I got self-respect! Independence! A varied life in the outside world! More and more as I get older I think that being forced in some ways to get on with things (not for everyone, for me) was what brought me through.

What is the end game for the mothers' approach? A child with no qualifications, no skills, no ability to take care of himself, no sense of fitting into a group/family because he's always been treated like the pet, an addiction to gambling, no concept of labour (i'm pretty sure no teenager would be wearing three clean sets of clothes a day if they had to wash, dry and fold each one). Who is he going to be attractive to as a partner?

Of course there are people who can't integrate all the time, my first boyfriend had bipolar, it was extremely awful for him. But for this boy, sitting in your (very clean) pants all day gaming is not helping anything. Getting as much therapy as possible for the anxiety is the most important thing.

Harumphharagh · 14/03/2019 11:48

addiction to gaming that should have said!

AnneOfCleanTables · 14/03/2019 11:54

I agree with Booboo You aren't the best person to judge. Your parents and the school are working with your DB. I'm sure if it was as simple as 'be stricter with him' then the issues would have been resolved.
He's anxious. He's washing so regularly that he may have some kind of compulsive disorder.
Laughing with friends isn't a sign that you're not depressed.
You seem lacking in empathy, compassion and understanding. Hopefully you'll find a new home soon and then your brother's anxiety won't bother or impact you.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread