To say my mum needs to stop

[SofaKingFedUp]

Currently staying with my mum and stepdad while I find a new home, my 14 year old brother also lives here.
I feel like my mum is treating him like a baby, and this is going to affect him negatively. It's already started actually. He is the youngest so I get sometimes they don't want to let go of them as it's their last baby as such but I think my brother is taking the piss now.

So he's 14, he doesn't go to school full time, was bullied in primary school and couldn't get into the high school where his only friend went so he was too anxious to go, he goes for half day. Alot of the time he will play up to my mum saying he is too anxious to go to school and my mum obviously feels guilty so she allows him to skip school. The school are working with my mum, they are trying to work out what's best for him although it been like this for a long time. I've then heard him laughing about it with his online gaming "friends"
He doesn't do anything, literally nothing. He doesn't clean, he leaves mess everywhere, if he uses a cup he just leaves it wherever he was using it, be that the living room, bedroom etc.he leaves dirty laundry on the bathroom floor and absolutley soaks the floor when showering, like I'm talking floods. He also showers at least twice a day, sometimes 3 and everytime he puts on clean clothes and underwear.
He won't set an alarm for school, my mum has to wake him. He'll come down sit in the sofa in his towel, put the tv onto something he wants to watch, even if others are watching something, and wait until my mum brings him all his clothes and his breakfast, she then has to keep telling him it's time to go, and he'll put it off as long as possible.
If she asks him to do anything he moans, the only thing he will do is take the dogs out for 5 mins. Literally 5 mins. He won't go to the shop for her, usually my mum has to tidy his room. He just plays his computer all the time.
I've never seen him so a chore. Ever.
AIBU to think this is ridiculous? I know he does suffer anxiety, but my mum is not helping I don't think? If I say anything about it she just says "he's a child, leave him alone"

Does your stepdad find it frustrating.

Can you please encourage your dB to be more helpful?

Sorry I mean

Could you encourage

Think it got autocorrected

I feel your frustration OP. My mother and brother are in a mutually destructive symbiotic relationship; my sister and I try to support/help as much as possible, we have asked outside agencies to come in, as we thought they just see us as interfering, they are paid lip service, then everything reverts to 'normal'. We then get the 'phone calls with each of them complaining about the other.

You just can't win.

Can you take him aside and chat with him? I'd be tempted to say: Are you OK with all of this? You're being treated as if you are incapable and I know you are more than this. Mum is worried abotu you but don;t let that turn into you being kept a child for the rest of your life. Come on let's clear up these dirty mugs, tidy the bathroom and surprise mum by cooking dinner together.'

Or something like that. Make yourself his ally in his return to maturity.
Like other posters, I wouldn't belive the line he takes with mates online is the whole picture. He'd probablyprefer them to think he's making his mum run around after him than admit to debilitating depression.

Depressed people do need very gentle urging to get off their backsides and do stuff for themselves. Ime, the best way is to assure them you have faith they are capable of it even though you know how hard it is for them right now, rather than nagging and cajoling.

My DB is still like this at 51. He does have MH issues, as do DSis and I, as a result of our abusive childhood. The difference is that we're living independent lives with our own families. My DM is trying to make it all up to him, I get that, but she really isn't helping him. He can't sort out clean washing from dirty washing and can't even wipe his bottom properly.

We used to have him to stay sometimes, and he just stank! (I feel mean saying this, as he does have MH issues and has recently been diagnosed as ASD. But it is true, tragically.). He also couldn't cope with being around our DDs and used to shout at them, and bump into them. It felt like we had a third child in the house.

I don't have any advice, sadly. But unless your DM changes the way she's bringing him up, he really won't grow up, as he doesn't have to.

My brother is now 49 and my mum is still like this to a degree: essentially enabling any of his cock ups/mad schemes. He barely attended school, tried several careers involving varying amount of expenditure (bought him a ship once which sent him and my parents skidding into bankruptcy)

The current one is he’s had enough of his live in partner (who in truth is a fucking lunatic and good at manipulation) so had bough an old wreck Bedford van to convert to a caravan to live in. Leaving the partner in the house that is his. He’d rather do that then adult and split like a responsible person. Which will be fine because my mum and dad have left everything to him in their will because ‘he needs it’.

I’ve learnt over the years all you get from trying to stop this is the bad guy label, and my brother barely interacts with me because I call him out on his bs.

Close your ears, live your life. I think mums do this when they need to be needed. Forcing your brother to grow the fuck up will run contrary to her still having her baby need her for everything

@2isur2isubicurtis4me @PlainSpeakingStraightTalking and to everyone thinking I'm being nasty, I'm not. I also suffered anxiety and depression during my teenage years as a result of my dad dying from cancer and my mum also gettin treatment for cancer a few years later. Staying in and not going 5k school didn't help me at all, gettin out, beinng productive did. Taking medication is not the only solution, changes to your lifestyle have to be made too

I think there are two issues here. His messiness,laziness and general pisstaking of your mum by having her run around after him and him not being expected to lift a finger. That would piss me off and I would probably say something to her too,as she is spoiling him and that will do him no good in the long run. But then again I suspect she may be spoiling him due to perhaps having a misguided guilt about the second issue ie his mental health issues-which I think you should be giving him a bit more sympathy for! His bullying in primary school obviously knocked his confidence immensely and has had a profound affect on his mental health and life,yet you mention it as though it was nothing. How do you know he is playing up to it when he says he is too anxious to attend school? It is quite possible to have good days and bad days with anxiety, and him laughing with his gaming friends is more than likely bravado,because unfortunately there is still stigma attached to mental illness. As his big sister why don't you offer some help? Maybe you could go on a longer dog walk with him,you being with him may allay his anxiety. Or you could take him into town,the cinema,for a pizza. Gently encouraging him to get out of the house and his big sister's support could do wonders for him,plus it may give you a better understanding of his problems.

I've only read to the first post that prompted my response - suggesting his anxieties and possibly something else underlying it is presenting at laziness and lack of respect.

I have a family member who behaves like your bother but when asked to tidy up etc, will be apologetic not 'attitudey'. They are the same age as your brother and is a really lovely, kind and thoughtful person but does not seem to 'get' certain etiquettes or be able to respond to simple instructions, event after being asked several times. Also, the anxiety can make them very lazy and apathetic.

It is very hard to parent a child with anxiety and I imagine your mum must be trying hard not to raise his anxiety levels.

Teenagers are lazy and tricky but even then you pick your battles - some things are not worth it.

You say he 'laughed' about it online with his friends - he could just be trying to fit it or seem cool?

If he is medicated - a professional would have assessed him - he's not putting it on.

I feel for you as it would have upset me to be around this as a sibling. But as an adult and having a family member with anxiety - it's opened my eyes a lot.

Wow op now I feel even more sorry for your brother knowing he's been through all that as well as the bullying,and I'm really surprised you're not more understanding towards him. It's a shame as what you've both been through should have brought you closer. What is the age difference between you?

My ds has a major break down the last 6 weeks before summer holidays in yr 6 last year. My dm idea was to tell him he didn't have to go to school, he's df my ex didn't say nor help at all. His older brother tried to understand but because he has has issues at times and manage to still be active he didn't understand either.
My ds was having nightmares, would have a fit when we were out, at one point he sat on the floor and wouldn't move, screaming crying, shouting that there's was to much noise. It was heartbreaking and thank the lord I had a supportive dp, because my ds had never ever acted this was before, he was actually very relaxed and had got an award each year at school for never having friendships problems and just getting on with school.
I wasn't going to end his future and life by allowing him not to attend school or carry on dulling in this issue. So I did everything and anything, I had to work very hard getting him to school, I spoke with the school which half helped and thankful he had his older brother too.
It was hard, and it shocked me to the core as a parent, but now he's pretty much himself again, he gets up and goes to school, still doesn't like it besides break time but I told him that's part of life.
If I had let it go on, he would be sat at home, in his room doing nothing.
I'm not saying it's easy and I just communicate with him, listened to him, stopped him repeating bad thoughts, and now I watch both ds more for mental health issues.
My own dm would pull me out of school when issues happen such a bully, I went to about 10 different schools and have issues because I'm so use to running away from problems.

I don't care what job my ds have as long as they are ok, can build friendships and don't get so low they can't see how important life is.

If he's showering 2/3 times a day that REALLY is not normal for a 14 year old boy and it's a marker of something like OCD. I

Naah, it's more probable that he's just wanking in there out of boredom.

OP, I agree that it doesn't sound great, but since you are not the parent and your mum won't listen there is nothing that you really can do.

@NutElla5x my stepfather is his father, so we have different fathers, he also doesn't know about my mum having cancer treatment.

Not that I'm saying his struggles are less than mine. I've not said he isn't depressed or anxious. I'm saying my mum isn't helping.

Also my stepdad (DB's father) isn't happy about him not going to school, he works early in the morning and gets home in the evening so most of the time DB and DM lie and say he has gone to school. If he finds out he hasn't been he gets annoyed.

It's difficult to say without knowing you all ir

However your mother is doing no good by facilitating this by waiting on him hand and foot.
My brother is 22 and has been the same too. He still is and will never change. Its a toxic relationship between the 2 of them. There are lots of wider complicated factors in my families situation.

My best advice of to focus on you, to get out of there ASAP because chances are it won't get better and its toxic as anything

@glitterdayz this is how I want my mumnto be. And I know she can do it because she helped me, I was never allowed to skip school, so I dont know why she's allowing him to do it because it will just make it worse in my opinion

It isn't really 'skipping school' for some, it's a necessity.

I'm glad previous poster managed to get their ds into school and he is able to do so by himself know.

This probably isn't the case with DS mentioned below, or your brother, but for some - sending them into school is detrimental to them, even if they appear to be getting on with it.

My family member goes to school but has special dispensation to leave class if struggling and work in a pastoral room. This appears to be enough to get them in. There has been occasions where they simply cannot face school and are allowed to stay at home.

They don't want this long term though and want to go in but know that when they're having a bad time can stay off - not on a whim - both parents work full time a good hour away and it's not easy for them, we are often called upon to help out (I don't work) but it is helping them get through important GCSE years.

Just because a child goes in and isn't allowed to stay off, doesn't mean they're OK.

And can I just repeat - I don't want to assume or suggest that this is the case with your brother or the previous poster.