Dealing with the end of a 25 year friendship

[Mangetoutrodney]

I had a very long friendship end at the end of last year. It’s been extremely upsetting as we are in our 40s. A few things happened but in the end it was very one sided. I kind of had an epiphany that I was making all the effort- for 6 years, I instigated all the meet ups & she never once came to visit in that time.
It ended after we arranged a meet up in a central location (as we live in different parts of the country) - she cancelled at the last minute saying she was ill & then put pictures on social media of her out with other people that evening. Really hurtful.
I sent a kind of ‘dear john’ letter as it would have been easy to ghost her but i wanted to say a few things. I did it as nicely as possible as I didn’t want a row.
She was extremely unpleasant- hurled a load of abuse at me, said I had made it up and it was all on me etc. I tried to walk away as dignified as possible as felt enough of an idiot for putting so much energy into a one sided friendship for years.

Anyway, now she’s being really passive aggressive on Facebook. Pointed comments etc.

Aibu to just delete her from FB- I had avoided doing that because I just wanted to behave like an adult. It’s clear she thinks it’s all my fault & hasn’t bothered to apologise for lying to me about our meet up.

Aibu to just remove her- it feels like a bloody school kid situation & not that of adults - it’s been really upsetting & I have been grieving the end of the friendship & not engaging in passive aggressive behaviour

Delete and block. I have had similar happen to me and it's so horrible- far worse than being dumped by a man! So be kind to yourself x

Block her on everything. Remove her from FB. Move on and find a healthy friendship

@theshiterunner it really is worse than being dumped. Grieving the loss but don’t need the extra horribleness

Just delete. You are constantly picking a scab, you will never heal.

If you’re not sure if deleting her could cause more drama (ridiculous I know, but some people take Facebook stuff very personally!) you can unfollow her so you don’t have to see her passive aggressive posts.

If you’re totally done and don’t want her in your life at all, delete and block. It’s only Facebook, it’s really not an immature reaction at all.

Hmmm I could have written your post OP. I'm genuinely mourning the loss of a 25 year friendship too. Except my 'friend' had ignored me for months, for no reason whatsoever that I could tell. When I sent her a message on Christmas day to tell her I missed her and I didn't know why she was ignoring me, she replied with 'is this a joke?' and then launched into a tirade of abuse, accusing me of all sorts of nonsense including ignoring her and not telling her we were moving house. I have months of unanswered WhatsApps to prove this isn't true, but she won't see reason. She said some horrible things that can't be unsaid, accused my 12 year old DD of telling her we didn't want friend in our lives anymore (which is categorically untrue and totally unforgiveable) claimed we uninvited her from our wedding (never invited her in the first place, it was family only!) and said 'when it all falls apart with DH, because IT Will, don't come crying to me, those days are over'

It was horrible and broke my heart. She has blocked me on WhatsApp and all forms of social media, so that's it.

I have tried to come to terms with it, but her lies have upset me more than I can explain.

Sorry you're going through this too OP, I don't have any advice other than in time it will get better. I'm not there yet though.

Well if you don't want to be friends with her in any form, There is nothing wrong with blocking and deleting. I would.

Delete and block. I’be done this recently and it’s such a relief even as a grieve for our friendship and shared experiences.

@myuser sorry you are going through it too- it’s really distressing isn’t it

Same happened to me with a 20 year friendship. We were like sisters. I still grieve for the friendship. I blocked her on everything and her children and it's made it easier. Although I still miss her.

It’s hard. I’m wondering what goes through somebody’s head to turn on their friend like this. Time to move on but hurts like hell, their behaviour and not knowing why.

@leeee I do kind of miss her but I think I miss the idea of the friendship more than her if that makes sense?! What hurt the most was that we couldn’t talk like adults- it was just abuse from her. She called me horrible names

I ended a 20 year friendship for the exact same reasons.

I had to delete and block as well.

Sometimes people are so painfully self absorbed that no matter how you explain things, they simply cannot see their own faults.

My friend has constant friendship and relationship issues and still cannot fathom that she is the issue - or rather she has issues she needs to deal with.

Her last boyfriend apparently explained this on his parting words when they split and she was horrified at his suggestions and how wrong he was. 🙄

Delete and block, she's not who you thought she was although the signs were there. I had similar, concluded she just didn't like me anymore, better off out of it. You don't need to see the showing off. It's sad but you will get over it

The word epiphany resonates .I'm currently withdrawing from a long friendship .It's really become very negative and as you say one sided.I can't believe how hurtful it has felt recently though to realise that this friend is basically not honest,and I feel I've been used especially in the formative years of our friendship when she was new to the area.I'm still smarting from our last meet up ,instigated by me,by some of the patronising and snide remarks she made.I now regret the effort I have made to kerp in touch and have held a lot of anger and frustration inside. That is not what friendship is about.
Its her birthday soon and in the past I would treat her to a meal out,or at least by her a present but I feel reluctant to even send a card and the polite and loyal side of me hates feeling like that.I even contemplated writing a letter trying to express how bruised she has made me feel .
However thanks OP for your post.Its clarified there's nothing to gain by writing.I don't need a toxic friendship and neither to you.It is a painful process though isn't it?

@mangetout, my ex friend works at the same place but different department. She managed to ostracise me from the rest of group( we used to have lunch together). She became very cold towards me first and stopped speaking then denied everything when confronted ( I have asked if there was anything wrong, have I upset,offended or annoyed her). Verbal abuse followed.

Now we don’t even say hello to each other, the contempt and hostility coming from her is shocking.

Sad. We used to be close (or so I thought), through weddings and birth of our children.

I accepted the fact I won’t know why and now I’m indifferent. I also don’t divert my look when met with long hard stare when passing on the corridor at work.

It’s mentally draining, I’m in much better place now after 2 years of headfuck.

I travelled two hours on a coach to meet my 'best friend' who had new bf and who I hadn't seen for a while. She invited me up to meet him.( This was 20 years ago and I didn't have a mobile). We arranged to meet at a certain place in the City. I had bought gifts and was really excited. I waited 2hours and she didn't turn up. I went to a phone box and called her. She didn't answer. I was worried so an hour later I called again. I told her I was waiting at meeting point. She told me she had decided she would rather stay in with bf and she made excuse so that I couldn't go to her house.
I went home and never spoke to her again. I am happier without her in my life. Over time I realized she wasn't worth my friendship.
Delete your 'friend' and move on.

That’s awful for you.
She was in the wrong and got defensive instead of admitting fault.
She wasn’t expecting you to say anything about the photos she put up.
I’m glad you wrote her a letter explaining your feelings. If she was a true friend she would respect your point of view. Not go crazy.
Definitely delete her on everything. She’s gone forever.
It will hurt for a long time but it will get better.
When I see an ex friend of mine on the street I feel nothing.
It’s crazy how you can be so tore up and I had to receive consuelling over it an other terrible things that all happened at once.
Now I see her and it has no effect on me.
Take it as a lesson.
I learned I too was a giver and people took advantage of me for years. That would not happen today I spot the signs very quickly now.
It has left me very cynical though.
I have a huge guard up and I feel like I’m always being disappointed.
Last summer I made huge effort in trying to meet new people.
I met a girl but she was face pulling and being negative when I was saying my future life plans ( not set in stone just my general plans ) but when she was telling me hers I was all bright eyed and smiling before that and saying that’s brilliant etc.
I kind of thought to myself do I really need another friendship like I this..I didn’t try to meet her after that...it’s hard op..I hope you have better luck than me I really do xxx

Op I know the pain of losing a close friend, and also the realisation that you were the only one that cared.

I would unfollow to stop her from further hurting you, and hold back on block and delete. This will be encourage her to feel more angry.

Anyone would be hurt by her lies, and she should have had the decency to apologise as a minimum.

You sound like a lovely friend op, kinder and better friends are the future. I really wouldn’t engage with her anymore. Book lots of fun weekends and try to put it out of your mind. You are a great friend even if she isn’t.

Oh, OP, how miserable. It does stop hurting in time, though, just like a breakup with a partner. I am no longer in touch with my oldest friend (though in her case it is due to her very severe mental illness - she decided I was one of her 'enemies') and I was very very sad about it for quite a while but now I'm... sort of OK with it.

My own sister did this to me.

We were best friends. It started off with small things. I would visit and feel uncomfortable like when you walk into a room knowing that everyone has been speaking about you. Her adult children were very “off” and I couldn’t work out why.

Then she started going longer without contact. When my son was taken to hospital and I didn’t hear from her, I decided to ask why. That is when she launched into the abuse and accusations. I tried everything from apologising to reasoning. She twisted my words against me, I received abuse from her children with lies and accusations and ridicule.

I took myself away from it and as we still have connection through our parents found that a year later she did the same to a friend of 20 years.

I have learned many things about myself and her and I would never let her back into my life. Looking back there were others before me. She is stuck in victim mentality and she processes everything as a direct attack against her. Nothing will ever be good enough and if you are not jumping to her tune, then her mind will work up a web of reasons why. By the time it is out in the open, she has convinced herself that you are the devil who is out to get her. She trivialised even the little things, like conversations (that were long forgotten) where I paused too long to answer which must have meant that I thought something that she came up with in her mind. The feeling uncomfortable when I visited began to make complete sense. She was slowly alienating me from the family.

I deleted Facebook totally and moved on. She still lies and gets to me through our parents but I do not speak to her directly.

The chances are that if you have a friend like this, no amount of reasoning or conversation will work. They are stuck in their own head and it is a problem only they can sort out. Any communication that you have will be twisted to fit in with her own beliefs on how she is being treated. For your own health I would say delete and move on.

I lost a good friendship when I had DD. My ‘partner in crime’ decided we no longer had anything in common and didn’t want to meet up unless it involved drinking and clubbing. Rather then tell me this she just declined all non drink related invites and stop responding to my messages. I finally agreed to met her in the pub one day, when she found out I wasn’t drinking alcohol she downed her wine and accused me of wasting her time! She deleted me from Facebook too. I soon realised she’d done me a favour. I didn’t need to see posts of her out having fun while I was at home with DD. This was 4 years ago and I hardly ever think of her now. Whilst I haven’t found that sort of friendship with anyone since, I’ve made peace with the fact that’s because my life has moved on from those days.

I feel your pain OP. I decided to stop contacting one of my 'closest friends' after realising I did all the contacting.

Result? I didn't see her. Then her marriage fell apart in a hideous way so I popped up to support. Went over, arranged dinners, coffees etc. But it was the same, all me. So after a year, I stopped again and again, not heard a things from her. I did try to talk to her the first time, but got nothing but excuses etc etc so there's really no point sometimes.

Just block, or unfollow, and move on. I miss the friendship I thought we had, but I don't miss the reality of it.

Delete her from Facebook. It’ll save your sanity.

I’d unfollow if you can handle it. However you might be tempted to peek and it is ended. Also she can still see your posts... yes delete!

It’s very sad ending friendships. I have had friendships wane and flux, however I’ve managed to keep the good ones. I did just fade the others but not deliberately, mire like, if it is one sided, why bother?

Her reaction is nasty and shows she doesn’t care. I find it interesting when people get very cross, if you can stand back from it, it can be very revealing about how she is and sees you. If she was upset, she might be angry then regret it, or be stubborn and silent. However, the comments on Facebook suggest she’s a mean streak. Get yourself some lovely friends, plenty out there and never too late.