Dealing with the end of a 25 year friendship

[Mangetoutrodney]

I had a very long friendship end at the end of last year. It’s been extremely upsetting as we are in our 40s. A few things happened but in the end it was very one sided. I kind of had an epiphany that I was making all the effort- for 6 years, I instigated all the meet ups & she never once came to visit in that time.
It ended after we arranged a meet up in a central location (as we live in different parts of the country) - she cancelled at the last minute saying she was ill & then put pictures on social media of her out with other people that evening. Really hurtful.
I sent a kind of ‘dear john’ letter as it would have been easy to ghost her but i wanted to say a few things. I did it as nicely as possible as I didn’t want a row.
She was extremely unpleasant- hurled a load of abuse at me, said I had made it up and it was all on me etc. I tried to walk away as dignified as possible as felt enough of an idiot for putting so much energy into a one sided friendship for years.

Anyway, now she’s being really passive aggressive on Facebook. Pointed comments etc.

Aibu to just delete her from FB- I had avoided doing that because I just wanted to behave like an adult. It’s clear she thinks it’s all my fault & hasn’t bothered to apologise for lying to me about our meet up.

Aibu to just remove her- it feels like a bloody school kid situation & not that of adults - it’s been really upsetting & I have been grieving the end of the friendship & not engaging in passive aggressive behaviour

YABU for not already deleting her from your social media - do it!

Delete her. I was friends with someone from school upto about 15 years later. All of a sudden she stopped contact - not even the decency to tell me what I had apparently done wrong, just ignored phone calls (no social media in those days). The about 5 years ago she popped up asking for contact “to catch up”, which I ignored. Had there been an apology I may have listened but no -just like nothing had happened

Definitely delete from Facebook if you aren’t speaking. What’s the point, other than to drag it all along? She’s been nasty and abusive, it’s over - being reminded of her thoughts and feelings about anything at all is just twisting the knife.

Thanks for all your comments- i’m sorry loads of other people going through similar things.
I think the thing I have struggled with the most is feeling like it’s all my fault- my fault for saying anything - she has taken zero responsibility for it. I’ve avoided deleting up to now because we have loads of mutual friends on Facebook & it’s all a bit tricky.

I'm quite shocked to see how many people have experienced this. I've had lots of friendships that have fizzled out over the years, due to one reason or another, but not ended badly so to speak. But they were short friendships, meet for coffee occasionally, take the kids to the farm type things.

All my long term friendships from school have stood the test of time. My 2 very closest friends are the girls I sat with on the first day of year 7 and even though we all live in different parts of the country, we are still solid friends and speak every week. The 25 year friendship that ended recently was one of those that I thought would continue until we were old and infirm. My heart breaks, because I know she has mental health issues, but as a PP has mentioned, this friend now sees me as an enemy and her paranoia has led her to believe I'm the bad guy. She couldn't be more wrong, and I would have done anything for her in the past. But I have come to accept that I can't continue torturing myself and essentially begging her to be forgiven for wrongs I didn't actually commit. It's soul destroying, and I won't put myself through it anymore.

The real final straw was the message which said 'you're obviously having a shit Christmas and you've taken it out on me'. This was so far from the truth, it actually made me cry. I was having a wonderful Christmas, but realised that the niggling feeling of not hearing from her was upsetting me, which is why I text on Xmas day.

Of course you should delete and block someone who has verbally abused you and made passive aggressive comments on FB. You're not the one being childish. It doesn't matter that you have mutual friends, it's not tricky at all. If anyone asks you why, just tell them the truth.

I have just done this, two friends who were lovely to eachother and many others, just not to me.

I'd drink wine and spy on their facebook pages and get all angry. Life is too short. Delete her.

It’s actually so sad that people let emotions get in the way and no one sits and talks anymore people are so quick to get defensive and not care that they hurt their friends!
It’s just so sad and you have the men that just get over it they are great in that way.
I am at the stage now where I am just so used to getting hurt I avoid people now so it dsnt happen again.
The friends I have left I don’t meet them because I just want to stay in my safe bubble of home and my business my child and my hobbies.
I realised this is what makes me happy. I used to feel a pang inside when I thought god I’d love to just ge up and get dressed up and go out and have a laugh.
Now at 30 I am just accepting that this is the past for me my walls are up now and I won’t be hurt again.

It is really difficult ending a friendship but, after a while, you can look back and know you did the right thing.

I ended a long friendship as I had a similar epiphany one day that, while I called her my best friend, she actually wasn't. When I looked back after a few years I realised she could never admit she was wrong, never grew as a person and while everyone else's life moved on over the years she slowly turned into a ball of anger that eventually wasn't pleasant to be around. Small example of her behaviour, she moved out due to a row with her family. I couldn't get hold of her for a few days and was worried. After a few days she surfaced and said she had no internet connection so couldn't respond. However my Facebook feed was full of posts over those days saying how well was doing at a particular game. She clearly didn't know the game did this and I was puzzled so when I said 'But you've been on Facebook playing a card game?' she absolutely went off on one. Shouting about she was dealing with the trauma of moving out etc. All she had to say was 'Needed some space so I went to ground for a few days' but she simply couldn't do that. I wouldn't have minded one bit. But no, she had to lie. There were so many lies I got sick of it and ended the friendship. She sent me a message a few years later and she hadn't changed a bit from the angry and nasty tone of it.

I am also in the block and delete brigade in your situation. No good can come of still being connected apart from her needling you. She clearly isn't an adult when it comes to your friendship.

I find it really sad that FB is so intergrated in our society that we even ask ourselves this question. If it doesn’t serve you, get rid of it.

To be fair, I deleted my own DM on FB. She puts some rubbish on there and I love her too much to allow THAT level of judgement in our relationship

Seriously though OP, when I decided to delete my sister, I felt like by doing so, I was walking into the “no return” and “putting it out there”. I carried on with FB for a few months but decided to delete the whole thing. I realise that this was the best thing for me to do. Closing the book has given me clarity to understand that there was nothing that I could do to fix the situation.

I’ve recently deleted a friend of 22 years from Facebook for this very reason.

Friendship was very one sided for a long time, always me picking up the pieces of her various relationship breakdowns, and being the shoulder to cry on when her other “friends” were too busy. These friends were always the ones praised on Facebook and made out to be the best friends a girl could have.

She’s never met my 2 year old, and I find that hurtful. I don’t know if she knows I’ve deleted her yet but I needed to do it for me-messes with your head when everyone else seems so very important