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Original poster

Name removed from headstone

68 replies

LadySherlock · 14/03/2019 06:57

First post on here so please be gentle ladies! After many years of turning to Mumsnet to view advice given to others, I now have a question I can't find the answer to. Hopefully it's because this situation is unique (I hope no one else has had to deal with this anyway!)

A friend's loved ones name was inscribed on their headstone under other names already there. The grave ownership was subsequently transferred (under some duress) from that persons direct descendant, who had become the grave owner, to the siblings of the deceased.

The new grave owners then arranged for their sibling's name to be removed from the headstone. Imagine the shock of visiting the grave only to find your loved one's name removed ☹️

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 15/03/2019 00:17

Let me see if I have this right:

The stone read (for example) "John Smith", his beloved wife "Mary Smith", their daughter "Jane Smith". And "Jane's" siblings had her name removed from the headstone, leaving only their parents.

That's horrible. But since your friend has given ownership of the plot over to "Jane's" siblings, there really isn't much that can be done unfortunately. Perhaps when your friend's 'time comes' he or she can add "Jane's" name to his/her headstone? Cold comfort, I suppose.

AcrossthePond55 · 15/03/2019 00:21

correction: your friend can leave instructions for "Jane's" name to be added to his/her stone.

12thofnever · 15/03/2019 00:36

I don’t have any advice but I also just wanted to say how terrible this is! The siblings sound incredibly two faced or just completely crazy.

Original poster
LadySherlock · 15/03/2019 09:31

AcrossthePond55 - yes that is what has happened. Can only hope that once all the siblings have passed away and the grave ownership passes down to their children that someone will have the decency to allow the name to be put back on.

12thofnever - hard to say which of those they are.......maybe a bit of both!

OP posts:
Jamiefraserskilt · 15/03/2019 09:52

Disgusting behaviour. Has your friend asked why?
One thing they can't take away is the fact that your flo is in there, tucked up with their parent's and that can't be changed save through exhumation. At some point, it could be that a second marker like a stone book or plaque could be added with the siblings' names on it.maybe that was the plan? Mum and Dad on the main stone and siblings on a second marker?

Original poster
LadySherlock · 15/03/2019 10:35

No, the name was removed as they say their sibling's name did not deserve to be there alongside their parents' names. Only reason given is that they had some fallings out when they were children/young adults. The same fallings out that were overlooked when they went on holiday or out to lunch together as adults.

At least friend's loved one is resting with her parents. RIP

OP posts:
BejamNostalgia · 15/03/2019 10:42

I think I read a story about this in the paper (not Kim Cattrall) the loved one had sexually abused a child in the family which is why they don’t want the name on it. Well it was in the case I read about anyway. Will try and get a link.

Original poster
LadySherlock · 15/03/2019 15:03

BejamNostalgia - thankfully that is not the family involved in this particular case, nor the same reason for the removal of the name.

OP posts:
BejamNostalgia · 15/03/2019 15:15

Yeah, I realised that when I found the story. Apols

AcrossthePond55 · 15/03/2019 16:06

It's just unbelievable how family grudges can be hung onto for decades whilst the 'holders' remain silent.

If they went on holidays etc for years, I'd bet it was one particular member holding the 'majo'r grudge who then bullied the others into doing this.

ForNana · 09/04/2021 08:46

Just found out that my Nana's (my mother's mum) name was removed from her headstone when her son died and his children had a new headstone erected. This has caused my sister and I unbelievable pain. Nana's name is now on a flowerpot and the foot of the grave which you can't even see as they have put a large china bowl of plants in front of it. Nana's children paid for the original grave and headstone but now it feels as if she has had her grave stolen from her. Nothing to be done but what a show of disrespect. So yes LadySherlock this does happen.

Saz12 · 09/04/2021 09:30

I’ve heard of similar in a friends family. Families are odd things, and you can never be absolutely sure what goes on in private.
Could your friend afford to have a semi-permanent memorial somewhere else? Trees planted? A bench? Something like that might be a comfort.

ForNana · 09/04/2021 10:05

This was my Nana's grave and having her name on a memorial somewhere else would not help, her name should be on the headstone that stands on her grave. Yes, not only families but people in general are strange creatures.

peak2021 · 09/04/2021 10:26

Absolutely awful thing to do. If it is a Council cemetery I suggest a formal complaint and then there is the local government ombudsman if you do not get a satisfactory response.

I then suggest if all has been legal in this that you approach your MP about the issue to lobby for a change in the law. There are I am sure a few situations where removing a name from a gravestone would be reasonable (express wishes in a will having not been carried out perhaps, Jimmy Savile also comes to mind) but this does not appear to be one of them.

ForNana · 09/04/2021 10:38

I think the idea of asking my MP to lobby for a change in the law is the best one. I spoke to the cemetery and they said as it was not illegal there was nothing they could do. It has to be right the person for whom the burial plot and original headstone were bought and paid for by her children, should have her name on the new headstone erected over her grave by some of her grandchildren. An act of total disrespect for a beautiful lady.

TwoTypesOfStock · 09/04/2021 11:08

Not an answer to Friends problem but for posterity I would suggest Friend creates an online (and maybe on paper too) family tree and makes a note of where FLO is buried, the grave number and the fact that the headstone has been altered.

As a pp said ‘Families eh?’

Daleksatemyshed · 09/04/2021 11:51

What a nasty family, unless someone has done something totally awful surely you let their memorial stand. It's a shame ownership was transferred because legally only the owner has any rights to use or to make changes

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