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Original poster

Name removed from headstone

68 replies

LadySherlock · 14/03/2019 06:57

First post on here so please be gentle ladies! After many years of turning to Mumsnet to view advice given to others, I now have a question I can't find the answer to. Hopefully it's because this situation is unique (I hope no one else has had to deal with this anyway!)

A friend's loved ones name was inscribed on their headstone under other names already there. The grave ownership was subsequently transferred (under some duress) from that persons direct descendant, who had become the grave owner, to the siblings of the deceased.

The new grave owners then arranged for their sibling's name to be removed from the headstone. Imagine the shock of visiting the grave only to find your loved one's name removed ☹️

OP posts:
Fernie6491 · 14/03/2019 08:53

@ApolloandDaphne What is FLO? I don't know that abbreviation.

Friend's loved one ?

NWQM · 14/03/2019 08:54

That’s so sad. Could your friend arrange a different memorial in the cemetery? I know it won’t be at the plot but if the owners have gone to the extraordinary lengths of having their name taken off I think I’d want to remember my loved one somewhere else and not at a place that has some horrible memories.

SirVixofVixHall · 14/03/2019 09:01

So FLO ‘s siblings hated FLO so much that they had her/his name removed, even though the body is there ? Bloody hell , that is a terrible thing to do . I am assuming the loved one is a parent of your friend, as she inherited. So they are also denying your friend and any dcs she may have , a marker for their loved one.
I have no helpful advice, but it is dreaful behaviour, really cruel. I could only understand this if the LO had committed some awful crime.

ApolloandDaphne · 14/03/2019 09:05

Ah ok. I thought it was maybe friends little one which had me very worried!

Janedoughnut · 14/03/2019 09:08

Do you mean that the headstone said, for instance, Mary Smith and person A added sister of Ethel Smith. Then person A gave ownership to person B who had sister of Ethel Smith removed?

Eliza9917 · 14/03/2019 09:10

Who is in the grave and who's name has been removed?
Is the person whose name has been removed in the grave?
If they aren't why is their name on the headstone?

Original poster
LadySherlock · 14/03/2019 09:13

Three of the siblings went to the funeral and shed tears. They went on holidays with friend's loved one and met every week for lunch out. One hadn't spoken to friend's loved one for a few years and they didn't go to funeral. Think the reasons for doing this go back over sixty years ago to when they were they all young adults/children. But those reasons never stopped them socialising/holidaying together throughout their adult lives. Very odd, and very sad 😢

OP posts:
Original poster
LadySherlock · 14/03/2019 09:16

Buried in the grave are friend's loved ones parents, and then friends loved one. All three names were on the headstone and then when siblings got grave ownership from friend, they had their siblings name removed which just left their parents names there.

OP posts:
QueenEhlana · 14/03/2019 09:23

So the loved one is not a person related to the other people buried there? I can see why the rest of the family were upset, tbh. But actually removing the name from the stone? I'm not sure what can be done now. It's a civil matter I guess. She would need to contact a civil lawyer.

RhiWrites · 14/03/2019 09:23

That’s an odd statement! You think it’s sad when babies die but anyone else... meh, who cares?

Drum2018 · 14/03/2019 09:33

Is the deceased person a sibling of your friend? Is Friends Loved One their sibling? I can't believe the other siblings took their deceased siblings name off the headstone. Unless they exhumed the body, the deceased sibling is still there and that should be recorded on the headstone. Shocking carry on. Is your friend still part owner of the plot?

Tinty · 14/03/2019 09:45

I'm confused is it a 2nd family situation? Was it the siblings step brother, who has been buried in the grave with their parents?

You say it is friends loved ones parents but the sibling of the people who took the name off of the stone?

So are the parents also the parents of the siblings? and Friend?

First family friend and loved one, second family siblings and parents and loved one is step brother sister?

Nope completely confused I can't make head or tail of this.

Readytogogogo · 14/03/2019 09:48

OP I think you've been perfectly clear so not sure why people are still confused. I'm afraid I don't have any advice but it's an absolutely dreadful thing to do, and must be extremely upsetting for your friend.

Missingstreetlife · 14/03/2019 10:02

Kim catrall is a complete narcissist. How. Completely disrespectful.
In the case of your friend, they should not have signed the grave over. It's upsetting but can't do much about it. I presume cemetery records still show the burial so anyone could trace it later.

Rememberallball · 14/03/2019 10:04

@QueenElhana, the OP says the grave contains the remains of FLO and that person’s parents so definitely related to the other occupants of the plot.

Annasgirl · 14/03/2019 10:12

Whew,

some people are hard of comprehension!!!! Friend's loved one (Flo) is buried in a grave with his/her parents. His / her name was on the headstone - as is normal after a burial - but this name has now been removed.

I used to work in a historical society and the gravestones / headstones were used to recored who was buried where over the past 300 years in our whole county. Really it is important not just for you but for posterity that it is marked where someone is buried.

Could you ask a solicitor to intervene? Not sure it would work. Your poor friend, how awful. Could your friend put up another memorial stone in the graveyard? Not sure how this would work.

NekoShiro · 14/03/2019 10:17

Personally I'd go add the name myself, paint, my own etching, etc, which I don't expect most people to agree with as I assume it's illegal but it's also important

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 14/03/2019 10:22

FLO's siblings then gave friend so much grief about wanting the grave papers (supposedly so they could have their ashes buried there - which friend had no problem with) that they signed it over to them.

They didn't need to sign over the grave ownership to have ashes buried there, they needed to give burial rights. If they've signed away all rights, they don't have any anymore.

Could you ask a solicitor to intervene? Not sure it would work.

That would only be an option if the OP's friend still owns the grave. If she's signed it away, she has no rights for the solicitor to try and uphold.

Personally I'd go add the name myself, paint, my own etching, etc, which I don't expect most people to agree with as I assume it's illegal but it's also important

That would be criminal damage, and OP's friend would be fined the costs of putting it right at the very minimum, so it's not worth the effort. It wouldn't stay up.

I used to work in a historical society and the gravestones / headstones were used to recored who was buried where over the past 300 years in our whole county. Really it is important not just for you but for posterity that it is marked where someone is buried.

This is worth considering. Is FLO recorded as being buried there in the Church paperwork? Could friend get a new headstone or plaque, and place it elsewhere in the graveyard?

Eliza9917 · 14/03/2019 10:36

So your friends OH is in the grave. With their parents. The OH's siblings removed the OH's name from the gravestone.

I'd expect that wouldn't be legal, how can you remove a name of someone in a grave?

sashh · 14/03/2019 11:31

Totally off topic but did anyone else see this in the Echo side bar?
Dogging at beauty spots is putting people off their fish and chips

Happyinheels · 14/03/2019 11:38

Wow. That's absolutely disgusting. I'm really shocked at people's thought processes. That really is the lowest of low. So your FLO is buried in that plot but is now in effect unmarked? Your poor friend must be devastated.

Original poster
LadySherlock · 14/03/2019 13:40

Drum 2018 totally agree with your comment:

"I can't believe the other siblings took their deceased siblings name off the headstone. Unless they exhumed the body, the deceased sibling is still there and that should be recorded on the headstone. Shocking carry on."

It is awful that to think that your brothers/sisters could do this to you when you're gone. Awful way to treat the memory of your sibling but also their nieces/nephews/great nieces/great nephews who are grieving for their parent and then have to deal with all the hassle from them wanting grave ownership. Friend was absolutely fine with them having their ashes buried there with their parents. Maybe they had this in mind all along and that was their ulterior motive. At least friends loved one is resting with her parents now. Not sure if the siblings will still want to have their ashes there now though.

Families eh?!

OP posts:
SirVixofVixHall · 14/03/2019 14:09

So if this is a spouse of your friend, then I think possibly the only solution is either exhumation (drastic) or a second gravestone/memorial, wherever it can go in the cemetary, with details of the actual burial plot on it.
So sorry for your friend. Shame on the relatives who have done this horrible thing.

SirVixofVixHall · 14/03/2019 14:10

I suggest your friend has a chat with the vicar in person, as vicars can be really helpful and kind with family dramas.

Original poster
LadySherlock · 14/03/2019 19:23

It's a council cemetery so a vicar or priest would have no influence unfortunately

OP posts: