Is this the end of us...

[Jasmine2006]

Hi mum's and possibly dad's

I'm a single parent been seeing a single parentdad for almost 4 yrs now. We don't live together due to the reason he won't commit. I think it's because of the son he has. He has a son with complex special needs. Now this child is now 13 but has the age of a6 Yr old of that but his son seems to have alot of influence on the father's life. I don't just say this to sound mean but he more or less controls his father to the extent that if the child doesn't want to go then they don't. The child will make a big fuss if they we do go even if it's on walks which ruins everything for us all. Meals out we used to go but now we don't because his son will make a fuss if he doesn't get a big enough piece of cake or no cake if he doesn't eat his main....I always seem the one to blame as its me saying no. So I'm the bad one in his sons eyes as dad would of allowed that..

I've tried with the child and even payed out for holidays abroad days out to theme parts meals you name it I've paid for us all and no asked for a single penny towards it.

It was my bf birthday whilst we was abroad and because the child wanted to go back to the room and his father said no he threw a drink in his face. After threatening him him to do so and saying you don't think I will do it do you and he did. We was in shock te child was told off but this is the only time I have ever seen this in the whils time I've been with him.

Times gone on and the child just seems to be getting worse playing us off each other. I have rules which are not strict which many parents have and I have to stick to them as I have a child aswell. Which follows them no biscuits or afters if you don't eat your meal. Internet goes off after a certain time etc etc..

I'm always made out to be the bad one for implying the rules in my home. Or by stepping in if the child is trying to rule the parent like saying we are going after this cup of tea... But after he's said it many times...

My bf mother is a big part in her sons and grandsons life and has now also started to interfere.. Saying he shouldn't be bringing his son here and only be with me when his son isn't about but isn't that giving in to the child and giving him more power. Doesn't the parent have a life.... This makes me feel totally used in a way only wanted when it suits his needs.. Just because the son seems to get jealous and plays up causing problems so I tell him to stop...

Now over the yrs I've been through hell I had a miscarriage and then a month later lost a very close family member through a tragic accident which knocked me emotionally and still does. I also opened Pandora box to my past as I opened up to my bf and he said go to the police. During this time the bf had a mental breakdown and ended up being sectioned another emotional time for me. But I stood by him every step of the way but again I got the blame.. For being a emotional wreck over the events I've explained..

Now another blow to me my father has cancer and only has limited time so I'm exhausted looking after him aswell as my child.. I'm reaching out to my bf for help and support but because I'm also lashing out he's not interested... He says I have to be nice to have him around and its not his fault my father is sick and I shouldn't take it out on him. I just want his to hug me when I cry instead and standing there looking at me... And yes this is the reason I lash out because I'm reaching out for him and he just doesn't seem to care. He seems so selfish...

Please help me I love him to bits I just don't know what to do for the best... AIBU or is he...

I'm not sure why everyone is being so horrible to you on this, ok so their is faults on both sides. He sounds like he's giving everything to his situation and hasn't got a lot left for your relationship. Maybe you should focus on your child (not saying you don't already), on your dad and your happiness. Stop prioritising him and if you guys are meant to be and he's that bothered then it will work out. I can see your frustration about his son, and I disagree with the comments saying you shouldn't discipline him because my partner disciplines my daughter, if he didn't then my daughter would walk all over him!! You're supposed to be a team, a family, whether you're living together or not is irrelevant. But on that topic I do think by now a discussion should be in place about the living situation 🤔 4 years and no plans for that seems a bit odd. Don't waste your time on a man that won't commit.

Well it sounds like you don't have a clue how to handle or accept a child who has "complex needs" so you should probably do them a favour and end the relationship. Why are you trying to parent a child who doesn't even live with you?

Why are you turning things like meals out into such a battleground? Could you not let the father parent his child in the way he sees fit and you yours? These petty battles seem to be exhausting and pointless to you all.

For example no desert/ biscuits if you don't eat all you main - why? That's not even a good rule for a NT child. It sets some food up as rewards and others as punishments for one, and forcing someone to eat food they don't want overrides the natural appetite, for another. There's no sense in it for your own child, but to try to impose it on a child with SN (who isn't even yours) is complete madness.

Otherwise yes, you should leave. This isn't creating a good situation for any of you.

I wonder if you also site responsibility for your emotional wellbeing outside of yourself. It can subconsciously attract people who are accustomed to caring as they automatically feel needed.

The reality hit harder though when things go wrong as actually you arent very emotionally independent or resilient, your looking for other people to make you feel better as opposed to doing what you can to ensure your own emotional wellbeing.

Also we carers we're often quite a emotionally independent and resilient lot. We dont centre our emotional wellbeing needs very far outside ourselves because frankly you have no idea whether that person is going to stick around and you have to carry on regardless.

about the living situation 🤔 4 years and no plans for that seems a bit odd.

Not with a child with complex needs who might suddenly start walking round naked, smear poo on the walls, trash their bedroom, hit their caregiver, completely refuse to do anything you want them to do (and you literally have no sanction because today losing everything they love is preferable to putting on that sock). You might be happy to give soneone a small controlled snapshot, but 24hours a day living it is a very different matter.

I'm not sure why everyone is being so horrible to you on this,

I think there's probably a fair number of carers on this board. At 4 years really you already should know why everything in the OP is a bit ridiculous when youre DP has a DC with SN or you really havent been paying attention/taking the SN seriously.

I would walk away.

I am a step parent (also have step parents, and my DC has step parents) so have been through similar. Not the SEN but definite behavioural problems from one of my DSC.

At times I was ready to leave but my DH is very caring, patient and calm - way more than me. If this wasn't the case we certainly would not still be together.

Your situation sounds too busy for all concerned. I would take a break from your DP. Concentrate on your father and your DC for a while. You have your own home which makes this a whole lot easier.

Take a step back and do what you need to do for YOU and yours right now. You might want to go back to your DP or you may realise that life is simpler without.

good luck with it all.

It doesn’t sound as though anyone is happy and it doesn’t sound as though anyone’s needs are being met.
You’ve been together for 4 years now. If this was going to evolve into a fully supportive relationship based on mutual respect and understanding, it would have done so by now.
You cannot give each other what you each need. You might as well jack it in.

Don't move in togetber until both children have left home. 'Blended' families are rarely best for the children even when everybody gets along, so this has disaster written all over it.

End the relationship, its not right for you and it wont get any better. The mans son will always come way before you. Just walk away now and concentrate on yourself.

The DP's son will never be able to leave home Ted, unless it's to residential care.

@GreenEggsHamandChips you are very much entitled to your own opinion :) and so am I.

OP - AIBU is not the best place to post if you're in an emotionally volatile situation.

That being said, I think you need to call it a day. Your partner has his hands full - and if his child has a mental age of 6, then anyone in his life has to be incredibly understanding of the situation they face together. It is going to be tough; and the kid is not being deliberately manipulative or disruptive. He is responding to circumstances beyond his control. (As are we all when we play up emotionally, tbh.)

Also, given the horrendous circumstances you, yourself, are in, it might be an idea to give relationships a break for now - and then, when you're ready, to ask yourself why it is that you choose such challenging circumstances. Not easy, but worthwhile if you're able to step back and have a look at yourself and your choices.

All the best

@Cherim90 of course but i agree with everything you said. Just filling in the blanks

Walk away OP, you have no understanding even after all this time what it takes to parent a child with complex additional needs. You would not make a good stepmother to this child so it's time to leave them to it.

This is never going to be the relationship that you want or need, so end it.

^^ This.

What good are you getting out of this relationship op? It doesn’t sound like anything good for either of you.

Tbh, based on what you’ve said I’d cut my losses and focus on your dad and your child. But then, I don’t know either of you.