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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this the end of us...

66 replies

Jasmine2006 · 14/03/2019 00:08

Hi mum's and possibly dad's

I'm a single parent been seeing a single parentdad for almost 4 yrs now. We don't live together due to the reason he won't commit. I think it's because of the son he has. He has a son with complex special needs. Now this child is now 13 but has the age of a6 Yr old of that but his son seems to have alot of influence on the father's life. I don't just say this to sound mean but he more or less controls his father to the extent that if the child doesn't want to go then they don't. The child will make a big fuss if they we do go even if it's on walks which ruins everything for us all. Meals out we used to go but now we don't because his son will make a fuss if he doesn't get a big enough piece of cake or no cake if he doesn't eat his main....I always seem the one to blame as its me saying no. So I'm the bad one in his sons eyes as dad would of allowed that..

I've tried with the child and even payed out for holidays abroad days out to theme parts meals you name it I've paid for us all and no asked for a single penny towards it.

It was my bf birthday whilst we was abroad and because the child wanted to go back to the room and his father said no he threw a drink in his face. After threatening him him to do so and saying you don't think I will do it do you and he did. We was in shock te child was told off but this is the only time I have ever seen this in the whils time I've been with him.

Times gone on and the child just seems to be getting worse playing us off each other. I have rules which are not strict which many parents have and I have to stick to them as I have a child aswell. Which follows them no biscuits or afters if you don't eat your meal. Internet goes off after a certain time etc etc..

I'm always made out to be the bad one for implying the rules in my home. Or by stepping in if the child is trying to rule the parent like saying we are going after this cup of tea... But after he's said it many times...

My bf mother is a big part in her sons and grandsons life and has now also started to interfere.. Saying he shouldn't be bringing his son here and only be with me when his son isn't about but isn't that giving in to the child and giving him more power. Doesn't the parent have a life.... This makes me feel totally used in a way only wanted when it suits his needs.. Just because the son seems to get jealous and plays up causing problems so I tell him to stop...

Now over the yrs I've been through hell I had a miscarriage and then a month later lost a very close family member through a tragic accident which knocked me emotionally and still does. I also opened Pandora box to my past as I opened up to my bf and he said go to the police. During this time the bf had a mental breakdown and ended up being sectioned another emotional time for me. But I stood by him every step of the way but again I got the blame.. For being a emotional wreck over the events I've explained..

Now another blow to me my father has cancer and only has limited time so I'm exhausted looking after him aswell as my child.. I'm reaching out to my bf for help and support but because I'm also lashing out he's not interested... He says I have to be nice to have him around and its not his fault my father is sick and I shouldn't take it out on him. I just want his to hug me when I cry instead and standing there looking at me... And yes this is the reason I lash out because I'm reaching out for him and he just doesn't seem to care. He seems so selfish...

Please help me I love him to bits I just don't know what to do for the best... AIBU or is he...

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 14/03/2019 01:06

@Jasmine2006 what do you mean about lashing our?

Original poster

Jasmine2006 · 14/03/2019 01:17

I just get upset and try and tell him how I'm feeling and sometimes just want a hug. Or if he says he will help my dad and doesn't bother it bothers me.. He just seems to make excuses one after the other his dog he slept all day etc but I don't get violent but I may say things harshly but I'm hurting when I'm doing it. It's not nice watching your parent fade in from of you and nothing I can do but administer morphine to ease the pain.

OP posts:

downinthedumpstoday · 14/03/2019 01:17

Ok, so I have two dcs with SEND, so I have (I think) a pretty good understanding of the whole 'parenting-with-SEN' issues that are pretty common. Without writing massive tracts of texts, let me break it down like this:

parenting is exhausting. Single parenting often even more so, SEN single parenting is on another level altogether. DP will be utterly utterly exhausted.
Behaviour management is NOT the same with SEND children. A neurotypical child can be sent to a naughty step, a SEND child will not understand the concept and the whole thing can be futile. If DP's child is roughly six years old neurologically, that still doesn't mean he will be functioning as a normal 6yr old would. 'The child' ( which I agree, sounds quite contemptuous) threw a drink for more than just 'I don't want to eat dinner', most likely - he will have been unsettled from being in a different environment, with different people, and perhaps being asked to eat something he found texturally challenging to eat.

EITHER - you need to educate yourself better about your DPs sons needs, ask him why he makes the parenting decisions he does, and try to understand it from his point of view - and then ACCEPT it, and HELP him. OR - you walk away. Which will be a great shame for him, as you are likely to be one of his few (or even only) sources of emotional support he has in dealing with a complex child. Parenting with SEND is not like booking a holiday to Italy, and ending up in Amsterdam (although it can be). Often it's like ending up in a war zone.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/03/2019 01:19

You need to prioritise yourself, your child and your Dad. I'd tell him you want a break, and see how you feel in 6 months time

notangelinajolie · 14/03/2019 01:25

Well you don't sound like a couple in love. I don't see where this is going - you don't like his son for a start. Then there is the different parenting styles you both have. And lashing out? Aka being violent - kicking and hitting someone really is not the way to go.

OnlineAlienator · 14/03/2019 01:25

I cant see what anyone gets out of this relationship.

IncrediblySadToo · 14/03/2019 01:29

If in 4 years you have learnt so little about his sons SEN you need to do them all a favour and leave him.

user1473878824 · 14/03/2019 01:30

OP not being violent doesn’t get you a get out of jail free card. You are having a very hard time. So is your DP, constantly. “The child” is a hideous way to talk about his son. I think you should walk away for both your sakes. Agree with the poster who says give yourself six months, but also agree with @downinthedumpstoday - it comes across like you don’t get it at all.

M3lon · 14/03/2019 01:31

OP using sweet food as a reward for eating other food is a genuinely terrible idea.

Do please reconsider the strategy of no pudding unless you've finished your main, or you might be setting them up for a lifetime of emotional and reward based eating.

Original poster

Jasmine2006 · 14/03/2019 01:34

Why do you keep thinking lashing out is violence I am not violent or don't hit kick punch slap or do anything like that. I get upset I say harsh things not name calling I cry my father is dying is that not normal to be upset in that situation. Isnt it normal for just a little support in this sort situation

OP posts:

user1473878824 · 14/03/2019 01:37

It’s also normal to support your partner looking after a child with SEN rather than getting cross that they don’t do what you want. Of course you’re having an awful time but I’m four years you don’t seem to have got the fact that his child - not “the child” - isn’t just a six year old.

user1473878824 · 14/03/2019 01:38

Saying harsh things can be just as abusive as being violent. You keep making it clear you aren’t violent, so what are you saying to him if it’s fine because you’re upset?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/03/2019 01:40

If I were you I'd walk away.
You have next to no understanding of your BF's son's needs, and you don't appear to like him, even actively resent him.

Depending on what the boy has, the father may have similar undiagnosed traits himself - there is a hereditary component in lots of ASD - but it may not be ASD, you haven't specified.

Still - he's not doing it for you, you're not happy, he's not happy because you don't accept his child, so why on earth are either of you bothering?

Original poster

Jasmine2006 · 14/03/2019 01:46

I tell him to stop making promises that he has no intention of keeping to me or dad. he sleeps all day. Stop making excuses and just tell the truth if he can't make it say so not to lie or just not bother. I tell him what sort of day I've had or dad's had and I'd cry as its awful most time. His reply is usually wht u want me to do about it.. Then is well if your my boyfriend actually care.... Is that being violent if so I'm guilty...

OP posts:

LovingLola · 14/03/2019 02:41

So what have you got to lose by leaving him?

Justagirlwholovesaboy · 14/03/2019 02:51

Op you seem immature despite being a mum, I’m sorry you are going through a terrible illness with your dad. However you aren’t understanding enough about SEN children to help raise one with him. He will and should always be his priority. I would suggest you leave now, this would be the best for both of you

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 14/03/2019 02:53

You sound as though you have absolutely zero idea of what it's like to parent a child with SN. Normal parenting 'rules' like no biscuits until after dinner often go out of the window and you choose your battles based on what your kid can cope with. Yours sincerely, a parent of a child with SN.

Margot33 · 14/03/2019 03:32

Hes not your child so stay out of it. If his dad wants to parent like that, let him. If you don't like it then maybe only see him without the kids?

LeilaDarling · 14/03/2019 06:24

If it was me I couldn’t cope with what you have described and would end the relationship. Sorry about your Dad x

Ragwort · 14/03/2019 07:01

Just walk away, I am so tired of reading these threads on Mumsnet, two people in a relationship, clearly not working for either of them, children not being prioritised, everyone seems unhappy..... WHY are you sticking it out, are you so desperate for a relationship? Just end it amicably and spend time with your Dad and your child.

You don’t live with this man, you don’t have a child together or shared finances, just end it.

Isleepinahedgefund · 14/03/2019 07:04

I think you should walk away, for the sake of "the child". I'm not saying it's all you and you're all wrong, but your post doesn't come across well and it sounds thoroughly toxic for all parties involved.

4free · 14/03/2019 07:18

You sound like a step mother from hell. Your bf child is nothing to do with you so stop dictating what he can/cant do. Concentrate on your own child and well being.

MaudebeGonne · 14/03/2019 07:20

I don’t know what either of you are getting from this relationship. Or indeed ever have. You don’t mention any happiness or love ever between you. Honestly, you would be better off to finish things and not contact each other for at least 6 months.

I am so sorry about your Dad. Are you able to get support through the McMillan Team?

Lovemusic33 · 14/03/2019 07:39

Never posts a step parent post on here, you will get flamed by loads of people (who are probably not in the same shoes as you).

I have 2 dd’s with ASD (13 and 15) and I’m a single mum, I find it hard to have a relationship as one of my daughters gets upset if her routine changes, if I have anyone stay over her behaviour can change and stay like it for weeks, it makes it very hard for me to have any kind of life other than being a parent. Moving in with someone else who has a child would be a no no for a few years possibly never. I would love to have a partner and for them to live with me but my kids come first and always will. He is putting his son first and so he should, yes his sons behaviours are not good but if he has complex needs it’s hard to change these behaviours.

I’m not sure what the answer is, I guess you either carry on as you are living separately or you break up and find someone with less baggage.

GreenEggsHamandChips · 14/03/2019 07:40

Thing is when you parent a child with SN often all you really have emotional time and space leftover for is a bit of fun.

When a relationship is fun it gives a much needed side of happiness.

However dealing with a whole load of emotional shit on the side is really too much than you can deal with. You have no choice but to deal caring and empathetically with your child, it can leave you with empathy burnout. Its not that you dont care about other people, its just you haven't got the emotional capacity left over to do much about it.

Because managing and loving a child with SN is draining. Yes its unfair on you, but the simple fact is you are not as important as that child. The child is extremely vulnerable and entirely dependent on its caregivers. You are not.

Im sorry for you that you are only just realising this when you are going through a rough time too.

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