Need advice about my friend and her grandchild

[ClarityIsAll]

DH and I have been friends with another couple for over 20 years. We met at a shared hobby that DH and I no longer take part in, but the friendship has carried on and we would miss them if they were no longer in our lives. BUT, there is now a problem I am finding hard to get to grips with.

We all have adult DC, DH and I have grandchildren, who are asked after now and then by our friends, but not a lot of interest has been shown in them. This is fine, we are not upset by this, the grandchildren aren't local so they haven't really met them, and I think it normal that they wouldn't be that interested. However, our friends daughter (who lives with them) had a baby last summer, so they now have a grandchild themselves, and here is the problem - there is no let up, none, on updates about this child. It is not possible for us to visit them without their grandchild being the sole focus of every conversation. It is impossible to even finish a sentence when talking to our friend without her being distracted by a look from the baby, or a sound from the baby, or a sudden need to tell us about how many times the baby has smiled that day. I love my grandchildren, and could understand the obsession at first when the baby was a newborn, but 8 months on and it is still just as bad, if not worse.

Over the years we have had some lovely evenings, and some great times together. Whenever we invited them to our home for a meal for example, they readily accepted, and reciprocated. This was a regular and enjoyable thing we used to do, and prior to their grandchilds birth it never occured to them or us, that the invite was for adult children too, (unless it was Christmas for example), but now they expect to bring their daughter and her baby every. single. time. Let me stress that their daughter is a great Mum, she has no problems in looking after her child, so it is not because they are worried about leaving her to cope alone. Neither is she a very young Mum - she is 27! This completely alters the dynamic, and the whole visit just involves talk about their grandchild, offers for us to hold the grandchild, photos of the grandchild passed around for us to exclaim over....it is all about the grandchild, and I'm fed up and bored with it all to be quite frank.

I've just had a message from her saying that she hasn't seen us for a while, so to let her know when I am next free during the day and she will bring her daughter and grandchild over so we can have a catch up and I can see how baby is growing, and we can sort out an evening when we can all meet up so that my DH doesn't miss out on seeing her grandchild too.

FFS - tell me wise mumsnetters how do I deal with this and keep the friendship? AIBU to want to have some adult time now that all our kids (and theirs) are grown ups? I understand the love grand parents have for their grandchildren, I feel it myself for my own, but I don't understand at all this level of obsession and i have no idea how to tackle it. By the way - I am bad at setting boundaries, have social anxiety and am not good at being tactful, which makes finding a way to save the friendship even harder.

Any advice welcome! Oh and just in case some lazy tit sees this as an easy route to getting published - FUCK OFF DAILY MAIL, DAILY MIRROR, THE SUN, IN FACT FUCK OFF ANY LAZY JOURNALISTS! (sorry for having to add that - I was trying to come across as sane but if this got picked up she would recognise herself in a heartbeat and I wouldn't want to hurt her feelings unnecessarily)

Why not invite them round to yours & put on a video/photo show of all of your children & grandchildren, that lasts for at least 3 hours?

Or you could text "Mary has been on to call over, surprise surprise she's bringing her freakishly dependant adult child and her messiah grandkid, snooze! Try not to fall asleep and keep your tears on the inside while they drone on all evening"

And then follow that up with "Soz hun not meant 4 u, obvs. Does Monday suit?"

don't do it really, but it would sort out your problem

Ugh I don’t even like it when other mums assume I’ll be desperate to hold their babies. Wait for people to ask FFS :o

They sound quite tiresome sadly. Are you sure there’s not some issue with the DD? Anxiety or something? It is a bit odd that she is wanting to hang out with her parents’ friends now. I’m just clutching at straws really.

How about getting tickets to something, FOUR tickets? Theatre, comedy show or something...

Yes a theatre trip to something very unfriendly for kids or something is a good idea and you could say you and DH are getting tickets, would they like two more picking up for her and her DH, meet in the bar for drinks etc. Surely they won’t think the DD and baby could just tag along to that?

And maybe you’ll get a chance to have s proper chat about how nice it is to get a break from small people stuff occasionally.

we can sort out an evening when we can all meet up so that my DH doesn't miss out on seeing her grandchild too.'

I laughed at this. Your DH probably doesn’t give a shiny shit that he’s ‘missing out’. 😄

Absolutely love that @CalmdownJanet

I'd try a little honesty actually. It's not as though your friend has just become a mother herself which would make it perfectly understandable that her child gets all her attention.

You would be perfectly reasonable to perhaps say to her something like "We miss you, the past year or so all your focus and attention has been about your grandchild. We never talk about X stuff or Y stuff anymore (insert whatever topics/interests you used to talk about). It's beginning to feel like we have no shared interests anymore."

I know it's easier said than done to have a frank conversation about it but otherwise you'll just drift away from the friendship anyway.

I love it when ' talking over each other ' people meet other people like them. I just stand and listen grinning inside.
There's two at work like this ; they do get on with each other , but the one upmanship elements are funny. You can tell neither are listening to each other.

Incontinentia

Pahahaha

I think @Fairenuff advice is spot on.

Does the daughter look like she enjoys tagging along?

The OP has shown that she's not afraid to swear.
Once baby gets to talking and copying stage, up the frequency of really bad words in her hearing...

FUCK OFF DAILY MAIL, DAILY MIRROR, THE SUN, IN FACT FUCK OFF ANY LAZY JOURNALISTS!

Love this from the OP!

As a recent granny, my daughter (who is married to a woman, my fabulous daughter-in-law) underwent donor insemination and recently gave birth to my first grandchild and I am OBSESSED. I can't understand why everyone else isn't. The baby is so beautiful and so advanced for his age and so clever, obviously gifted and...calm down, Louise...he's a baby and he's lovely but breathe...

I’d have plenty of photos of your GD ready and when she starts (“Have I shown you these latest photos of darling little Hortense??”) exclaim excitedly “Ooh yes I’ve got some of dear little Incontinentia to show you!!

"I've been so selfish. Here are you, giving me all these lovely updates about your grandchild, and I've hardly shared anything about mine. So, come round to mine this evening - I've put together a four-hour slide show for you, with a detailed commentary and a booklet for you to take home and enjoy."

my parents are like this with my daughter and she is almost 10. We will be having a conversation and my mother suddenly shouts "oh, look at DC dancing/smiling/breathing!". Its beyond bizarre. She then wont even go back to the conversation but will instead gaze at my children with wonder. everything they do is amazing and breathtaking. They are the first children ever to clean their rooms or bring their own cup to the dishwasher. theyre incredible. sometimes they make her cry tears of pure joy when we are together.

she also insists they facetime her every time they get a certificate/spelling test/anything and demands they go through every moment of it with her. She then discusses it in depth when she sees them in person and likes to hear the stories again. She then brings up every success they have had over the last few months (she writes them down, seriously, on a piece of paper) at family get togethers. it is mortifying for me and my girls. We have asked her to lighten up a bit but she thinks shes normal. im pretty sure all our family hate me and my perfect children.

i would suspect your friends daughter is forced along as "clarity would love to see the baby". i cant see what you can do about this without offending her OP, sorry :(

People often forget that their child / grandchild isn't as amazing to others as they are to them. I'm sure in her mind she thinks you're excited to know about DGC.

My Mum can be guilty of making her GCs the centre of conversation at work or with dinner with friends. She's very proud and she also has no hobbies outside the kids. It's work or the kids she's focused on.

Perhaps talk about your GC more? It may sober her to know you're thinking of your GC.

Alternatively I'd probably put up with it if you only meet every few months. If it was regular though I can see how it would get annoying and I love babies!

I think if someone asks it's cool to talk about your child / grandchild / dog etc but without asking the other person is likely not interested that much.

OP, I might be being hopelessly naive here but it sounds like there's a bit more going on than a simple obsession with the grandchild. Is the daughter living with her parents now and if so, why? Has her partner left? Could there have been an abusive relationship? Perhaps the daughter has post-natal depression and could have made an attempt on her own life and now her mum is terrified to go anywhere without her, or to leave her at home by herself with the baby?
If that were the case that would make a lot more sense...
Could you suggest a quick coffee just with your friend, and see if you can get to the bottom of it? Say that you really like everyone in the situation - your friend, her husband, her daughter and the baby - but you're not used to this sort of family set-up and you wondered if everything is okay in the family. If there isn't and she's just having a bit of a moment that will surely wake her out of it? And saying 'can we meet for a coffee next week, just the two of us?' is much easier than excluding the daughter from a supposed arrangement.
I think simply saying, oh this woman is a terrible bore you should stop being her friend, is all a bit unnecessary and that a face-to-face chat alone will always work better. And if you have social anxiety and aren't good at being tactful then perhaps thinking about your friend and assessing whether there could be a deeper root to the problem will help you to stop worrying and just be kind to your friend.

Of course it could turn out that she's just a massive fucking narcissist! I look forward to finding out...

I've been so selfish. Here are you, giving me all these lovely updates about your grandchild, and I've hardly shared anything about mine. So, come round to mine this evening - I've put together a four-hour slide show for you, with a detailed commentary and a booklet for you to take home and enjoy

Perfect!
Otherwise agree with others who suggest a text naming only herself and her husband, inviting them for dinner at 8/8.30, or suggesting drinks in a pub at 9pm.

Some really great clear suggestions here OP, I hope you find something that you can use and get outcome you are looking for.

A little off topic but when my DB and SIL were expecting their first child our Christmas present was a DVD of the last few months of her pregnancy and the first few months of the baby's life. In fact as I lived with my sister at the time, we didn't get one each, we got to share one. .

They got one for my dad too and he didn't even have a DVD player. I didn't have kids myself at the time.

What fairenuff said upthread is spot on.

This happened in my parents friendship group. A couple started bringing their daughter and son in law to everything. My parents tried to rope me in to keep the ‘other children’ company. We are in our thirties!

It sounds like this lady’s life now revolves around her possibly lonely daughter and grandchild.

You are good friends, why not ask if everything is ok. Explain you love hearing about her grandchild but it can’t be the only topic, jokingly remind her you have grandchildren of your own. Say you notice her daughter now comes to all your social engagements, ask if she is okay - you love seeing her but it can’t be much fund for a woman of her age to hang out with her parents at social gatherings?

You have little to loose - this friendship is hanging by a thread.

Love @shinster suggesting you look closer at this 20 year old friendship and see if there’s an issue you’ve missed. Why is the daughter living at home? How much support is she needing and why? Maybe just ask your friend to catch up one to one as tell her you are concerned about her not having any child free time these days and is everything okay. Then take it from there.

Having a grandchild in the house is FAR different from any other grandparent set up and it can be difficult to manange appropriate boundaries. Maybe she is playing that out elsewhere in her life.

Wow thank you all so much for the suggestions and supportive comments - it's nice to know I'm not being a selfish ass. To answer a few questions:-

Their daughter doesn't have a partner and is a lovely girl to be fair. She has no mental health issues that I know, and seems just like she was before baby arrived. To be honest it's not the daughter I object to our friends bringing with them so much as her child - because my friend just cannot take her eyes off the baby and interrupts all the time to say banal things in baby speak at him, wave, coo, tell everyone in the room to see what he just did....honestly it is exhausting.

We never used to make a pracrtice of actually going out to restaurants, cinemas or theatre as we don't have a lot of cash. They are much wealthier than us, but were always sensitive enough to understand that dinner at theirs and dinner at ours was the way forward, but maybe we could try and afford it now and then in order to keep the friendship alive......though if she keeps on talking about him while we are out I think I might explode after spending money we could have utilised elsewhere to better effect.

And Incontinentia .......